ur_dirrty_lil_secret

Start of my new poem

posted on 2/21/2007 1:31:11 PM in (1) Comments

FIrst of all, i haven't written in months. i've felt so uninspired for the past months. I've been going in and out of depression about my ex for a while now and the other day i broke down and told him i loved him still. Now, not only does he still not care, i became inspired. So u hope u guys like this but it's not finished. I'll keep updatin it till its finished!

I never meant to make you mad
I can't take back the life I had.
Can't change the person I was before
Why can't you see I'm so much more?
The more to you I try to prove
The farther away you seem to move.
The more I seem to try and try
The more you make me want to cry.
Everyday I shed these tears
And hope one day you will come near.
I wish you could see me for me
Instead you just refuse to see.

Valentine's Day?.....

posted on 2/14/2007 1:24:30 PM in (1) Comments

ok, to prevent me from feeling like a total idiot i must ask. Did any1 else forget today was Valentines Day?!?! I completely forgot until my mom called this morning. "You guys have a good day and i hope ou guys have a good Valentines Day." and then i thought "SHIT! THATS TODAY?!?!" "uh....yea mom. you 2! Happy Valentines Day!". But i'm thinkin its not that big of a deal anyway cuz i dont celebrate this holiday. Sure, when i had a boyfriend to celebrate it with i did but we more or less celebrated it everyday. Not just one day out of the year. But before i sound too bitchy, i did dress up today. I actually decided to wear my "Boyfriends Suck" t-shirt. So u see? I have some spirit.

Well for those of you who celebrate this discriminating holiday "Happy Valentines Day" to you!

And for those of you who realize that this is just another day "Have a nice day"

Peace~

200 Random Questions

posted on 2/9/2007 2:41:47 PM in (2) Comments

200 Random Questions
(from Cowgirl Up's page)

1. What was the last movie you saw in a theater? Persuit of Happiness
2. Would you eat human flesh for money? just because i'm psyco doesn't mean i'm Hannibal
3. Do you get enough exercise? yep
4. Have you ever searched for your own name on Google? of course
5. When you wake up, what is the first thing you think? Ok, you gotta get up now. And then 10 minutes later i tell myself the same thing over.
6. What was the last compliment you received? "The way you're lookin in that tanktop, you can eat here whenever you want!"
7. Touch or be touched? both
8. Do you believe in aliens? yea, my brothers one of them.
9. What's your favorite band? Don’t have one
10. Have you ever been on a cruise? dont i wish...
11. Why do you admire people? treat people the way you want to be treated...unless they're just being an ass, then go for it.
12. Last time you spent $100, and what for? x-mas presents
13. Do you like poetry? Yep, used to write my own.
14. Favorite city? Deadwood, South Dakota or Pheonix, Arizona
15. Do you drink soda? Yeah.
16. Do you still use film for cameras? only disposable
17. Do you study the Bible? Never really have.
18. What is your screen name? have a few but this one? ur_dirrty_lil_secret
19. Who DID let the dogs out? The same jackass that never flushs the toilet
20. Do you hold grudges? yep
21. Last time you saw your mom? couple hrs ago
22. Do you get annoyed easily? Not too easily.
23. Would you date someone older than you? Yeah.
24. Where do you live? Rose Hill, Kansas.
25. Have you ever peed your pants after age 8? yea....but i was sick
26. Would you go skydiving? of course
27. Do you like dancing? Love it!
28. Collar popped or normal? Normal.
29. Croutons or bacon bits? bacon bits
30. Have you ever been expelled from school? not yet...
31. Have you ever tackled someone? Yes.
32. Where did you last go on vacation? Arkansas.
33. Do you like the band Radiohead? Heard of them, thats bout it.
34. Favorite food? its a toss up between seafood or steak
35. Do you pray? only when i'm really scared
36. What is your dream job? To be a Special Victims Unit Detective
37. Would you sell your soul to the Devil? technically its not mine to sell
38. What's your favorite drink? RC
39. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? many times
40. What is your favorite hairstyle? wet n kinda messy
41. Last kiss? bout a wk ago
42. Do you believe in soul mates? no
43. Hot or cold? Neither.
44. Have you ever trusted in Jesus Christ as your savior? Once upon a time.
45. Are you afraid of the dark? not the dark, just wats in the dark
46. You're having a bad day. Who do you want to talk to? nobody
47. What is your favorite type of music? i like a lil of all music
48. Have you ever gone rock climbing? yep
49. Snakes or rabbits? Rabbits.
50. Have you ever been in love? Unfortunently
51. What was your New Year's resolution? to not have any resolutions
52. If you had to get married now, who would you want to marry? the guy i still love.
53. Your crush's first name: have a couple
54. What was the last insult you GAVE? hah, that ashley's boobs were too far apart! lol
56. Apple or Microsoft? Apple.
57. You are about to die. What do you do with your worldly possesions? Give them to someone who will take care of them.
58. Last time you used the bathroom? bout 11:00am
59. Yoga or pilates? pilates
60. What is your biggest fear? being alone
61. Do you have any piercings? Ears
62. What's your favorite movie? i dont discriminate
63. Have you ever stolen something over $20? yea, a dog.
64. Yahoo or Google? Yahoo for mail, Google for searches.
65. Have you ever cut off a limb? Wood or flesh? cut my tree limbs last year
66. Have you ever made a blood oath? hell no
67. Have you ever had a crush on the same sex? yep
68. Favorite type of sock? Really soft and fuzzy ones
69. Would you drop out of school or quit your job? hah, they both suck at times.
70. Would you date someone you met online? No.
71. Do you like your name? i'd like it more if there wasn't 2 of us in 1 school
72. What's the most common name you know? Ashley
73. What is the last thing you said to someone? that Sean quit because of amber's stupid rumors of hookin up with him
74. What's your favorite animal? dogs
75. Abercrombie or Hollister? eww...
76. McDonalds or Burger King? mcdonalds
77. What is one thing that annoys you? only one? either lazy ppl or liars
78. Have you ever gone a week without showering? eww, no.
79. Would you dress as the opposite sex? we all dress as the opposite sex at one point or another.
80. Have you ever met a celebrity? depends on your definition
81. Rhyme, free verse, or slant rhyme? Rhyme
82. What's the longest car ride/road trip you've been on? couple days to arrizona and couple more to south dakota
83. Is there happiness in slavery? of course not
84. Do you personally know any bums? yea, mr brother. lol
85. Name one person you love, and why: My grandma, she's the nicest person in the world and isn't afraid to tell you how it is.
86. Favorite type of shoe? tennis shoes.
87. Have you ever tried to bite a dentist? no, i actually did.
88. How many times a day do you go on Myspace? maybe once a wk if that
89. New York or California? neither
90. Have you ever read an article about defeating MySpace addiction? No.
91. 'Digged' or 'dug'? Dug.
92. Have you ever written a song? yep
93. Would you live on another planet if it were possible? I dont even like this one.
94. Do you have a bad life? Not as bad as some but worst than most in this city
95. Why do you like the music you do? usually has a message
96. Orange juice or apple juice? Apple juice in the morning, and orange juice with tequilla
97. Do you like dogs? all but jaxon.....
98. Have you ever gone to a mall? twice in the past 2 yrs.....
99. Have you ever been arrested? yep, once.
100. How do you vent anger? I bottle it all up.
101. Have you ever been surfing? No, but wud like to learn
102. Kleenex or Puffs? Puffs
103. What's your favorite color? any bright color
104. Where were you born? i was told my mom was going poop and i popped out.....
105. Have you ever done yoga? i tried once.
106. Do you read much? not really
107. Last text? told my cousin that ash said hi.
108. Watching or playing sports? playing
109. Do you believe that animals have souls? souls and personalities
110. Do you know how to drive a car? Yep
111. Do you get along with your parents? a couple days out of the week
112. Say something annoying. thats just like doing something cool! (ash!)
113. What is your favorite male name? I like Landon. its gonna be my osns name.
114. Have you ever been to a beach? yrs and yrs ago
115. Do you send chain letters very often? i send them right back.
116. Have you ever been on a roller coaster? yea! i love them!
117. Do you wear deodorant? of course
118. Your first crush: this kid named brandon in kindergarden
119. What is your favorite flavor in general? i dunno
120. What are you wearing right now? jeans, long sleeve shirt, hoody and my snooks.
121. Do animals go to Heaven? unless they're very bad...
122. Good or evil? Both.
123. Are you ghetto? not that i kno of.
124. Have you ever failed a grade? Just classes.
125. Have you ever made out with just a friend? Yep
126. Would you live in a different country? no
127. Would you go skinny dipping? maybe
128. Favorite country? US
129. Do you like your neighbors? Why or why not? I try to avoid my neighbors
130. Have you ever asked someone out? Yes
131. Do you like thunderstorms? Love them, very comforting
132. Do you want to talk to anyone right now? No.
133. Who do you NOT want to meet? anna nicole smith but shes dead now
134. What's your phone ringtone? vibrate
135. Have you ever been racist? no, i wud have been shot yrs ago.
136. Do you feel sad often? sometimes
137. What would you NEVER change about the past? wouldn't change a thing
138. What do you think about homosexual marriage? You can't help who you love
139. What size shoe do you wear? 7 1/2 or 8.
140. What does your name mean? I don’t know.
141. What are you listening to right now? "youth of the nation" POD
142. Do you want to go to college? sometimes
143. Have you ever eaten sushi? Yep
144. Pancakes or waffles? Waffles.
145. What do you call those little plastic things on the ends of shoelaces? the little plastic things on ky shoelaces
146. Do you sing? sometimes
147. Do you drink alcohol? yep
148. Lace or satin? neither
149. Hamburgers or cheeseburgers? Both
150. Have you ever been hit on by the same sex? Yes
151. Have you ever yelled at a telemarketer? who hasn't?
152. What is your favorite name? haven't i already answered this?
153. Would you give me $5? No.
154. What is your hair color? brown and blonde
155. Would you set yourself on fire? hah,no.
156. Would you smoke? Yes.
157. Why are they called fingers if they don't fing? hah, no idea
158. Do you wear makeup? Yes.
159. What kind of music do you hate? opera
160. How easily do you trust people? Not very easily at all
161. Have you ever smoked? daily for 2-3 yrs
162. Do you have any tattoos? Not yet
163. What's your favorite song? dont have one
164. Have you ever cried in public? Yes.
165. Have you ever had your heart broken? Yes.
166. Group or single dates? Single.
167. Have you ever gone to a private school? No
168. Land or water? Land.
169. Would you date someone younger than you? No.
170. Rock or rap? both
171. Math or science? Neither.
172. What's your favorite store? walmart
173. Do you think you're attractive? No.
174. Do you have a soul? Hope so.
175. How often do you visit your myspace/xanga/etc profile? already answered
176. Do you memorize random facts? nope
177. Would you chug beer? eww, no.
178. Are you a vegetarian? No, i like my meat
179. How are you feeling right now? annoyed, tired
180. Are you rude? can be.
181. Have you ever left the house naked? no!
182. If you could go to one place right now, it would be: back to bed
183. Cappuccino or coffee? Cappuccino.
184. Will the world end in fire or ice? feels like ice....
185. Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman? I don’t know.
186. Have you ever kissed someone? Yes.
187. Favorite month? The month where school is over.
188. Do you have a boyfriend? No.
189. Mom or Dad? not together..
190. Have you ever been home schooled? i wish.
191. What is your eye color? Blue....i think.
192. Emotional or physical pain? physical
193. Have you ever danced in public? yep
194. How much do you weigh? dunno, dont care
195. Do you know any foreign languages? very, very lil spanish
196. Do you consider yourself religious? No.
197. Would you have plastic surgery? maybe if their was an accident
198. Have you ever been abducted by aliens? its called spending the weekend at my cousins house.
199. Do you find dead people interesting? sometimes, their story.
200. What is something you wish you were better at? letting my feelings out in a good way. (not on myself)

Just flush my life on down the drain...

posted on 1/23/2007 9:24:00 AM in (1) Comments

Ever heard the expression "Bad things happening to good people"? Well this is not one of those stories. Because I don't think I'm all that much of a good person. Well atleast not all the time. I can get pretty mean. But thats not the point. The point is that I'm sick of all this bad shit happening to me. I'm not saying I can't handle it, I'm just sick of it. In an earlier blog I told you all about the surgery I had due to cancer. Well that was just the first surgery. I got the labs back and I guess it was worst than they thought. So now I'm stuck in a whole nother boat. With a big gaping whole and water pouring in. February 1st, I'll go in for my 2nd surgery. It'll be a bigger whole in my head, a longer surgery and longer recovery time that might be waited out inthe hospital. The 1 and only incredibly great thing about it? I'll be completly knocked out and floating on cloud 9. Thank God for drugs. (legal drugs i mean :P)Thought it would be nice for an update but I think I gotta get back to class. ~Later~

NATIONAL SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

posted on 1/17/2007 1:24:09 PM in (2) Comments

OK, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NEVER READ INTO MY AND ASHLEY'S WRITINGS, WE ARE NOW OFFICIALLY IN WAR. I HAVE GROWN SICK AND TIRED OF HER ABUSING ME. WHETHER ITS HER INCRIMINATING CHARGES UPON ME OR HER UNSTABLE EMOTIONS. FIRST WE'RE TOGETHER, NOW WE'RE OVER, NO DONT LEAVE I LOVE YOU, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I CANT TAKE IT ANY LONGER!!!! SHE IS EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE AND A PAIN IN MY REAR!!! ANYONE WISHING TO JOIN OUR FIGHT, WILL BE SHUNNED AND WILL NO LONGER HAVE CONTACT UNTIL I WIN THIS WAR.


LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!

OOOORAH!!

I PLEAD NOT GUILTY

posted on 1/17/2007 1:17:53 PM in (2) Comments

Ok, before all of you decide that I'm a pychotic, demented, and not to mention violent hellian. I am going to give you my comment to ash's (Cowgirl_Up) latest blog. I did NOT mean to hit her in the head. She just kept bugging and pushing me to unplug her computer. And so i ignored her. But then she started poking me and poking me faster and harder and all of a sudden.......I SNAPPED. OK?? I unpluged the computer and threw the cable in the general direction of her body. I had no intention of hitting her in the face. Actually if you must know, I was hoping it would entangle around her neck and ultimutley cut off her air supply. OK? So as you can see I am not guilty. And I do not apreciete being accused with such ubsurd charges. First her stupid dog, and now her injuries which were in fact her own doings.

Just another bad day.....

posted on 1/17/2007 10:27:31 AM in (1) Comments

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Actually, who are you NOT to be? We are born to make manifest, the glory of God that is within us and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

I've always liked this quote because it is so easy to see the good in others but you can rarely find the good in yourself. So I've tried to see what exactly is so good about me that others seem to see. And just when I start to get a glimpse, I'm told I'll have to have surgery due to the cancer they've found on my head. I had to have surgery back in December to remove it. Needless to say, it hurt like hell. It wasn't completely numb but I figured it hurt more to have the numbing liquid burn my head from the inside out than to just go along and get done with it. When what seemed like 15hours was over, they sent the chunk of my head to a lab. So I thought I was out done. Finished with head surgeries and not to mention everyone feeling the need to baby me. Well I was wrong. Last week I got a call from my docter saying that they got the tests back from the lab. It's worst than they thought. At this point they don't know exactly how bad it is. So I go for a consoltation on friday to determine whether I'll be addmitted to the hospital during and after the surgery or if I can have the surgery and then leave to go home. I'm actually hoping to be admitted to the hospital because if I'm admitted, then they will put me asleep for the surgery. Otherwise I will have to suffer which I would quite frankly rather not do. So as you can see, it's a little hard to feel powerful and beautiful when nothing about this event is in my control. I actually feel weak and disgusting. Disgusting? because I'm having my head cut open and chunks cut out. God knows how big of a bald spot I'll have after the 2nd surgery. And weak? I have no idea. Maybe because I'm completly out of control. I dunno. Maybe I'll go friday and have the surgery and be fine. But then again, I could go and find out the cancer is growing down into my brain instead of outwards. I guess I'll find out......wish me luck.....

50 Random Questions

posted on 1/11/2007 12:41:53 PM in (2) Comments

50 Random Questions

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
•American History Class

2. Who are you in love with?
•someone who wishes I were dead

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
•When I was little

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
•My cousins pink lemonade

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
•Bout a month ago. I hit a guy in the parking lot

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
•Yes

7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?
•my poor car's been 2 hell n back....not even worth $2,000 anymore

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
•Yesterday. the next town is 5 miles away

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
•Nope
10. Are you hot?
•Actually, i'm kind of chilly

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
•Tropicana Peach Papaya

12. What are you wearing right now?
• Jeans that are too big, "boyfriends suck" shirt and my Sneaux

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
•I just wait till it rains

14. Last food that you ate?
•Pizza

15. Where were you last week at this time?
•home sick

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
nope

17. When is the last time you ran?
•last night

18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
•our boys basketball team practice

19. What is your favorite animal?
•my cousin (Cowgirl_Up)

20. Your dream vacation?
•Hawii!

21. Last person's house you were in?
•my dads

22. Worst injury you've ever had?
•had surgery couple weeks ago

23. Have you been in love?
•Yeah. not doin that shit again!

24. Do you miss anyone right now?
• Yea i missed my ex. So i backed up and tried again.

25. Last play you saw?
•I have no idea....done killed 2 many brain cells

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
•I'd tell you but i'd have to kill u.

27. What are your plans for tonight?
• Not sure yet

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?
• One of the 3 G's Kelsey

29. Next trip you are going to take?
•To a party in augusta

30. Ever go to camp?
•GirlScout camp, I was in it 4 the cookies

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
•till about 5th grade

32. What do you want to know about the future?
• When I'll find the perfect guy

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
• Victoria Secret's Love Spell

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
•Sometime

35. Where is your best friend?
•probably sittin in class scratchin her ass lol

36. How is your best friend?
•her special needs is acting up

37. Do you have a tan?
•Naturally

38. What are you listening to right now?
•Mr. Willis ramble something bout math

39. Do you collect anything?
•cigarette cartons in the back of my car

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
•My aunt

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
•Couple months ago

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
•Haven't we all?

43. What does your last text message say?
•tryin to recruit ppl to become bulemic with me n my cuz

44. Do you like hot sauce?
•depends on how hot

45. Last time you took a shower?
•Last night

46. Do you need to do laundry?
•Not today

47. What is your heritage?
•some crazy mix of cherokee, german, psychotic, and bitch. It runs in the family

48. Are you someone's best friend?
•Yeah
49. Are you rich?
•far from it

50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?
•Bitchin at whoever called and woke me up