smartazndreamer

Just a Comment

posted on 2/1/2008 11:25:33 PM in (3) Comments

I thought that Christians followed the Ten Commandments. One of them says not to murder your fellow man. So I am just curious, do a lot of Christians support the war in Iraq? Or maybe some of them would justify it by saying you just can't kill other Christians. That's kinda mean... >.>

Making Friends

posted on 11/19/2007 12:53:33 AM in (0) Comments

There's this guy on the sixth floor of the building I live in. I don't like like him, but I really want him to be my friend. Before school started, I was sitting in front of the dining hall reading my math book, and he asked if I had read any good books lately. I told him that I read Alice and Wonderland. We chatted a bit but didn't exchange names. Eventually, I found out that he lives in my building. I notice that he tends to wear business suits, so I'm guessing he's majoring in business. I think his other major was history or something like that. Anyway, he's really nice. He's such a gentleman. For example, he helped open the laundry door for me when I went to the sixth floor to do my laundry. He had to take out his key because it was locked. I just have this feeling that he's one of those really nice guys. ^-^



The problem is how would I be able to get to know him? I obviously wouldn't want to just go to the sixth floor and ask if we can hang out sometime (that may also give off the wrong impression). I also don't want to seem desperate. I mean I feel bad because I am not as close to my floormates as much as I would have liked. I feel uncomfortable knocking on their doors to ask them to eat dinner with me so I just go and eat by myself and read my textbooks. I don't prefer solitude, I am just too shy to stop myself from having to experience it so much. I suppose the underlying factor is my own insecurity and lack of confidence. Another problem is that I will go between a state of insecurity and arrogance.

Regrets

posted on 10/16/2007 12:28:18 AM in (1) Comments

I've probably posted something like this before, but that's okay. Yay, freedom of speech.

I feel kind of annoyed that there are two things in my life that I'll regret. One I shows how weak I am and contributes to low self-esteem. The other is my first love. I don't like referring to him as that, but I guess it is true. He was my world, but he did not tell me the truth about him. He lead me on and never came clean. I'm getting better, but I always stop in my tracks whenever I see someone that looks like him... I just really want to forget about him.

My Talk With a Teacher

posted on 5/16/2007 2:54:52 AM in (0) Comments

I talked to the other AP English teacher the other day and I have come to two decisions:
1. I do not have to trash the reputation of the boy who broke my heart to feel better. Time will do that. Lucky for him that I will not trash it.
2. I will try and talk to the girl that partially likes him and tell her about him. She's really smart and I sort of gave her a hard time last year whenever I got jealous (I am not sure if she noticed though). I just got a little more emotional and isolated when I was jealous, I think. It's up to her if she wants to believe me though.
3. I will eventually talk to the girl who hates my boyfriend and me in order to find out the reason why. It does not mean that we will become friends. I guess I just want to have a civilized conversation about it. I mean the more I think about it, life is just too short to actually desire to keep a grudge and hate. I don't really like being hated. I'll just see what happens. I will talk aabout it, but that does not mean we will become friends. This way, I can either get a better understanding of people or maybe myself.

I wish it was much easier to get along in life.

I also occasionally wish that all the people who care about the environment like me could move to a different planet. At times I feel like my effort to establish a renewable world is so futile.

Regret

posted on 5/4/2007 3:45:03 AM in (1) Comments

My life is full of regrets that gnaw at me. Sometimes they make me feel inferior, as though I was a bad person. For some reason, I had held a notion that I had to be perfect even though my reason naturally forbade it. I knew it was not possible, but I felt that maybe I could get somewhere close to it. As a result, I never felt that I was good enough. Even worse, I would talk down to myself so that I would not become arrogant. However, I guess I am a little more prideful now when I look back at my high school achievements. Still, I have not escaped from this mindset, it still haunts me to this day. I always figured that one day, some day it will stop. And until that time, I need to create a better understanding of myself.

Sleeping Late

posted on 4/29/2007 5:55:31 AM in (0) Comments

I know that I like to stay up late. I wish I did not like it so much because it is ruining my health. The problem is that I cannot stop sleeping late. I always find distractiosn that will keep me up. I do not even stay up late working. I stay up procrastinating with watching videos and what not.

I hate it.

I wonder if I like it because this is the time when I get to be alone. It is kind of strange because I like to be around people. But maybe solitude also attracts me.

I'd like to go outside because it's nice and cold.

I just have this antipathy for going to sleep early. I like to sleep though. However, I always find it easier to sleep during the day than at night.

Something has just got to set me right. There's a reason I do this. There's a trade-off. Otherwise I would not be staying up so late all the time.

Now all I have to do is find out what that trade-off is...

My Problems With People

posted on 3/21/2007 10:55:27 PM in (0) Comments

Person #1: I hated this guy because he had a girlfriend at the time he told me he liked me. We went out for 4 days, and it ended without him giving me a real reason. He might have just been leading me on. He also lies about pretty much everything, including the college that he goes to.

I still feel that I was justified in my previous hatred, I was hurt because I thought that he cared about me, but he never really did. I was not proud of this hate. I knew that what I needed was time to get over it, but he kept showing up at my school, which bothered me. Well, what happened was there was a long interval that I didn't see him. I'm glad because I believe that over that time I got over my hatred. I saw him after school because I was advertising Relay For Life to a sports team (he was there even though he wasn't on the team). I was with a few of my friends and I remember saying, "Ewwww look it's _____". That's such an immature statement, but that's pretty much all there was to it. I really didn't think about him much after that. His presence didn't bother me the same way it did before.

In short, I am over my hatred (hopefully) and proud of it. I believe that I forgive him for what he did to me, but I never want him back as a friend. And I hope that all his lies will one day collapse into a huge disaster (c'mon, he does deserve it ;]).

Person #2: Okay, I don't hate this person, but she has a problem with me. Only reason that I can conjecture is this: my current boyfriend had liked her before he went out with me. She tends to have problems with guys that like her (doesn't treat them well). After a while, he liked me and we eventually started going out. The girl also doesn't like her friends getting together because she feels that it's a wayt hat they are leaving her or something like that. Anyway, so she hates my boyfriend and that got passed over so she doesn't like me (I don't believe she hates me as much as she hates him).

From what I see, I do not believe that she has a reason to hate backed with reasons the same way I had. And in contrast to me, I think she likes to hate people to the point that it could be called flaunting. Maybe not. In any case, I know she's much more flagrant with her hatred than I was.

I did consider making up with her. I did consider talking to her. I went through several conversations in my head. But the reason for this was because I felt bad and felt like I had something to be sorry for. But I reasoned this out (I also talked to a friend about it who told me I shouldn't feel bad). If she dislikes me because I am going with a guy she hates, that is her problem. As ironic as it may be, she's so terrified of people leaving her, but she's the one who's quick to push people away.

I believe that it is more of her choice whether we make up or anything. I had gone through conversations though, where maybe on the last day of school (or maybe even the day of our graduation), I'd tell her that I never hated her. I do not want her to get the idea that I hated her anyway. But since it is Senior year, I may never see her again except at the reunion, but hopefully she's much more mature by then.

Judgements

posted on 2/16/2007 10:58:11 PM in (0) Comments

Supposingly, we should give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to do that, I do not always succeed because experience has taught me to be cautious. It is hard to trust strangers though we should still be somewhat open.

So my friend borrowed my homework, I either forgot or didn't think that he'd actually take it. He did tell me, but I think that flew over my head. So at lunch I decided to check and found out that my homework was not in my folder. I went to my friend's room and waited till the class ended, and he gave me the homework. He informed me that if I had not come, he would have given it to MW and have her give it to me. I was shocked. MW and I have not been on good terms since the beginning of this year. While I guess she may not completely hate my guts, I did not know if she could be relied upon to give me my homework. I told my friend what I thought, that if he had given it to MW, she probably would not even return the homework to me. He was kind of mad at the possibility that she could be that low.

When I went to my sixth period class (the homework wasn't due until my seventh period class), I talked to another friend about it. TT did not believe that MW could be so low as to refuse to give me my homework. She mentioned that we should give people the benefit of the doubt. I explained my case, that she was willing to make a hate group and that she is childish. Although MW could make a hate group, TT still conjectured that MW would not try and hurt me (in the sense of lowering my grade or jeopardizing something to that extent I suppose).

I was unwiling to give her the benefit of the doubt because I don't know what MW is capable of. Would she? Wouldn't she? I did not want to take the risk. I believe that I am more willing to give the benefit of the doubt to a stranger than to a girl who really doesn't like me.

On a different note, I feel uncomfortable having people dislike me or having to ignore someone. An alum came to the school today, and I ignored him. It makes me kind of sad and I wish things could have ended up differently. But this is reality. We cannot all be friends.

Friends

posted on 2/16/2007 1:23:19 AM in (0) Comments

I do not regret transferring to my high school. I really like the people there. Despite the relationship problems, I am very glad that I met some great and interesting people.

But I guess I will not ever have that friendship where a friend and I will have been friends since forever. The closest would be my best friend who I know from middle school. It makes me feel so transient, that I will not be remembered as well as other people. It's not that I want to mean a lot to every single person on campus or anything. I should be grateful for what I have. I am. I will just find it enough that people are friends with me, I should not ask any more from them.

Scholarship Rant

posted on 2/15/2007 1:11:39 AM in (0) Comments

I feel overwhelmed I guess. Actually, I can handle all the work that I am getting from school. What I cannot handle is the extra stuff.

I hate scholarships so much. They really don't want anyone to get this money. They are just dangling the carrot in front of the horse. They ask for a lot for scholarhips that are only worth $1,000. Yes, I know that that is a lot of money, but out of a tuition of over $20,000, that scholarhip money hardly seems like much. I hate the KFC scholarship the most. It took me 19 pages to print out their scholarship thing "for my records." I wonder if they could not have made it smaller, save some trees. They also torture chickens so I've heard. So KFC is a bad lot fo deal with in general.

I do NOT want to go to a community college. I did not work so hard just to go to a school that I could have gone to without passing high school. It isn't worth it. I only take some of my AP classes for fun, but all of them come with a lot of work.

I don't want to work so hard for something and find out that I cannot have it because I cannot afford it.

Apparently, my father is as cheap as he ever was. He never wanted to pay child support. He just wants to reap the rewards. I think he just wants to brag about me. I only though that we had a better relationship when I was writing my college personal statement. Maybe we're a little better, but I have no idea if he is actually going to pay for my college education. If he does, I'll tell him that I am going to go to Chabot. Maybe that'll show him. Who is going to brag about a child that went to a community college? Especially if she turned down the number one public university in the nation (assuming that I actually do get in). I guess I feel quite vengeful. But my dad promises a lot of things that he does not keep to. Maybe I do the same thing to him, but I never really was close to him.

Emotions and Time

posted on 2/12/2007 2:04:33 AM in (0) Comments

I have found that emotion decreases productivity. As inhuman as it sounds, some people may sacrifice the ability to feel in order to optimize their time working. As though having feelings is a waste of time.

I would like to talk to one of the psychology teachers at my school. But I wonder if that would be a waste of time. On one hand, I could use the time to do homework. On the other hand, it may or may not make me feel better. I already waste my time on the computer.

I better go do my English reading.

Goals

posted on 2/11/2007 12:36:13 AM in (0) Comments

Since I am almost graduating, the great question of my major comes back to me many times. I am sure that many of us as children had wanted to have occupations such as a firefighter, policeman, teacher, etc... But as we grow up, our interests change.

After my transfer to the public school system, I found that I had an affinity for math that I never had before. Now, I am most interested in acquiring a degree in mathematics. I am hoping to use that for a job as an actuary. However, I am not sure what else the degree could get me in the world. Currently, I do not believe that a math degree would make me that successful.

Consequently, I wanted to double major. My second major would be accounting. However, my friend told me that his mother is an accountant. He stated that it was stressful for her and that it was not a profession that is in high demand now. So I am rethinking that plan.

My third option, though I have not barred myself from exploring any other possibilities of learning, is engineering. Because of my predilection for and strength in mathematics, I wondered if I could be successful as an engineer. At the moment, I do not know if that is an occupation that is in high demand. I do not even know if I could excel at Physics, for I only took Conceptual Physics at a nearby community college. I was interested in engineering because I had seen an advertisement at my school for a seminar at Google about introducing girls to engineering. Unfortunately, I cannot go because there is not enough space.

I might not even major in any of the topics I just mentioned, though I imagine that there is a high probability that I will major in something mentioned above. I guess I guess I will just have to wait and see. =]

Hobbies

posted on 11/30/2006 10:16:16 PM in (0) Comments

I am finding that I want to pursue my interests. I want to draw, do puzzles, and play piano. I guess it's hard to balance it with all of the schoolwork I have. I get afraid that I'll get too wrapped up in hobbies and put off homework. But I really like how I have rediscovered my interests. Lately, I have been feeling that I don't have a lot of interests or that I do not have a lot to offer colleges. Competition is tough. These hobbies make me happy.

Voting

posted on 10/28/2006 12:35:09 AM in (0) Comments

I wish that I could vote this year. There are some issues on the ballot that I feel strongly about and would like to choose. As for candidates, it seems so hard to determine whether they are going to be good or not. Hopefully in two years, I will have spare time to read the entire voting guide. For now, I guess I just have to sit back and watch.

Being Effective

posted on 9/2/2006 1:31:22 AM in (0) Comments

This isn't directed at anyone so I hope no one takes the you as an offense (if anyone reads this)
Sometimes you wonder why no one else is doing anything about current situations, issures, etc... You think about how bad the world is and how people should be doing something to change it. They should stand up for their rights, they should speak up. They should take these extra measures to get what they want.

One day I realized that if I wanted anything to be done, I would have to do it myself. That doesn't mean that I am this extreme liberal activist. I want to help more, but I haven't found my niche.

I never thought that I would be one to rush into a fight and break it up almost without a second thought (it was people I knew though)

Looking Back at Teachers

posted on 8/3/2006 11:56:00 PM in (0) Comments

Since it's going to be my senior year and because I feel like procrastinating from my math homework, I think I'll post about my teachers. During my sophomore I opted out of Calculus BC because I didn't want to have Prucha. Ironically, my Calculus AB teacher was Mr. Prucha. I had wanted another teacher because I had heard that he was the best teacher. The impression I had gotten from Prucha was that he wasn't the best and he seemed too laid-back. My top priority was to get a score of 5 on the AP Calculus Exam (something I wanted to achieve since middle school), so I had wanted to get the best teacher as possible. But when I got stuck with Prucha junior year, I don't think I had a choice unless I wanted to change the order of my other classes. Fortunately I was still able to get that score of 5. It kind of makes me think that you can still learn from a bad teacher. On the bright side, while I guess he wasn't the best teacher, he was extremely nice and funny. Consequently, I enjoyed his class (it was the only one that I never fell asleep in).

Unfortunately, my junior year English teacher had this inability to relate to us, her students, though it wasn't like she was a mean person. Though it kind of seemed her English class was extremely biased and kind of disorganized. I also didn't like her because almsot everyone else in the class didn't like her either. But I slept so much in that class and I would zone out because the sad part is, the stuff she said and talked about in class weren't that essential. They were usually just miscellaneous talks.I hope that all my teachers are nice next year.

I didn't even talk about the other teachers that I have had. I guess I'll include a little synopsis of my teachers. My English teachers got progressively worse; my freshmen English teacher was my favorite. Spanish was really fun until junior year, when it became an honors class. My Honors Spanish 3 teacher was nice, but she gave us a lot of work. My best math teacher was Mr. Prucha, Farzad was okay, and O'Donnell got mean because he expected us to be completely in love with math like he was. My World History teacher was way too disorganized and picky for me, but my U.S. History teacher was awesome. My science teachers were all pretty cool, so I have no complaints there. I don't even really count P.E. As far as my artsy classes, they were all okay. However, I am looking forward to Printmaking because I can make my own shirts, which will save me money.

College

posted on 7/19/2006 11:38:27 PM in (0) Comments

I haven't actually entered college. Currently, I am taking physics at the community college in the next city. Throughout high school, I have taken honors/ap classes whenever I have been given the opportunity to do so. In those classes, it's usually the same people. They tend to be people who will do their work and don't seem to be into drugs and all that because they have the drive to pass, if not excell, in their classes. In my community college there are different kinds of people. I was surprised to find people that smoked because it seemed so blatantly obvious that smoking is bad. However, I cannot judge a person merely because he/she smokes. I guess it is kind of hard to describe a person because even nice people smoke. As kids, we're used to the black vs. white thing a.k.a. evil vs. good. However, nothing is ever completely white, and nothing is ever completely black. (I think I'm being cliche, but these are just my thoughts) This has been told to me, but just like physics, I need to see it in real life in order to reinforce the concept that I already know.

Relay for Life

posted on 7/13/2006 4:33:06 AM in (0) Comments

I think I will write a complaint in here. I don't think it will be too bad. I just want to say how I feel on an issue. I am going to be a participant in Relay for Life, which is to raise funds to find the cure for cancer. In order to get more exposure, my friend created a myspace. A lot of people joined that myspace. However, I sent each person in that myspace a message asking if they wanted to join Relay for Life. Only a handful of people answered. I can understand that people don't always check their myspace. However, I figured that people joined the myspace because they also wanted to participate in Relay for Life. I guess I kind of wish people would be a little more responsive. Another one of my friends was originally going to join the team that I was on, but she said that she was too lazy. I was very disappointed with that because I go to almost every single meeting and all she has to do is raise money and go to the event. I guess I wish that people would be a little more active in the community. I think I used to be very lazy about those things, but it's true, time waits for no one. I don't want to wake up one day and find out that I've done nothing with my life, so I try to do what I can. I'm sure the event will be fun.

Another Stranger Interaction

posted on 7/4/2006 12:02:04 AM in (0) Comments

I would also like to share another experience that I had with a stranger. This past weekend my friends and I went down to Santa Cruz to go to the Boardwalk and the beach. While we were waiting outisde of a hotel (getting directions to the restaurant), a man walked by and he stopped. He looked around at all of us and said, "I look around and I see smiles. You all have good hearts." Or something similar to that. I like what he said because it's an acknowledgement of happiness between strangers. I have always felt that even though people can be strangers, they should still be nice to each other. It's a matter of common courtesy. However, with that nice comment, it kind of spreads more kindness around and there's nothing wrong with that.

A Look at a Stranger

posted on 6/22/2006 7:36:31 PM in (0) Comments

I don't know, I found this kind of weird. So I'm walking to buy a drink at Tapioca Express, and I pass by a dentist's office. A little girl is trying to open the door and push a stroller in (it could be hers or her siblings), and she looks at me while I'm walking by. I'm confused at why she does this so I kind of walk cautiously by. Then I ask her if she needed any help, and she said no. Well, I find it kind of odd to have someone stare at me for a while... Anyway, I just thought I'd write that down.

New Friend

posted on 6/14/2006 11:45:12 PM in (1) Comments

So I find it very interesting that I make a friend during my Choir final today. Since we weren't doing anything (all the finals were performed), I struck up a conversation with this girl. She had offered me food and I took that as an invitation. xD Her name is Fazella. =D I hope I don't forget that. Yea, I get to know her on the last day that I am ever going to be in that class. Ah well, it was a very nice chat.

Choices

posted on 6/12/2006 8:03:29 PM in (0) Comments

There are choices that you make in life. Whether they are right or wrong, they all have consequences. Hopefully you are ready for those consequences, and hopefully you know what you're doing.

I couldn't change his mind, or did I just not try hard enough?

Yearbooks

posted on 6/9/2006 12:20:04 AM in (1) Comments

You know that when yearbooks are out, that's when the end of school approaches. Even though I've been excited all of my life whenever the end of the school year comes, I've come to realize that people that I know are all going to be going to different places. I hope we all try to keep in touch somehow...

Vitamin C - Graduation

Concert Choir Performance

posted on 6/1/2006 10:52:48 PM in (0) Comments

My heart was beating so hard and fast that I couldn't stand it. I don't like being nervous in front of a crowd of people, but I guess it just happens. In the beginning my voice cracked a bit and my lip was quivering so badly I thought it was shaking. Maybe it was, it was so hard to smile without my mouth shaking. Fortunately as I moved through the songs I got more into it and remembered that I love to sing, so I tried to push that through to the audience. I do remember that we messed up at the last song. I wonder if the audience noticed because it did not match the music. Ah well, we're only in Concert Choir. I cannot believe I still have stage fright. At least I'm more comfortable on stage now than when I was little.

Big Picture

posted on 5/31/2006 9:17:16 PM in (0) Comments

Well, I didn't score as well as I would've liked to on my SAT IIs. I guess I didn't know the material as well as I thought I did. Still, I cannot go back in time and change the score. I guess if you look at the big picture, this score isn't that important. I will be bummed for a tiny bit, but life does go on. I guess I kind of feel like every time I don't meet my expectations, that will lower the chance I have of getting into the college that I want. I realize that there are other factors in determining applicants. Additionally, this score is not a reflection of the type of person that I am. It does not grade me on my personality. I think that I will just have to see how things go in terms of getting accepted into college next year. Besides, it's not always about getting into the #1 school.

Divorce

posted on 5/30/2006 11:27:18 PM in (0) Comments

This is just reference for myself, my parents divorced in 1997. That was just so long ago, but I think it was all for the better. In reality, I don't think I knew exactly what was going on. Just one day we moved out. And I think my life was better. I know my dad had his temper and stuff, but at least I didn't have to live with my parents arguing as much anymore. I always remember this one night when they were arguing over the dinner table and then they went upstairs (2670). My grandma and I just continued eating dinner and she said "mo lei la", meaning, don't think about it. But it wasn't exactly the funnest experience for me. *sigh* I think my dad's better now. Still, I really don't like people arguing I guess.

I've noticed I post a lot of sad stuff O_o

Lies

posted on 5/30/2006 2:00:07 AM in (0) Comments

I would guess that everyone's told a lie before, and I would think it's okay. I mean there are gonna be lies that I'm gonna live with for a while I guess. I apologize for lying, for bending the truth, for not taking the rap. Nowadays, I try as much as I can to tell the truth. Key word is try. Sometimes I still lie though, but I just try. It really does irk me that some guy is gonna lie about any relationship between him and me and then blame me for the stuff that I did? Excuse you, you could have stopped me at any time you wanted. I only did something because I thought you felt the same. If that was a lie, fine it was also a lie. Your whole life is filled with lies, I guess. I had so much hope for you. I held onto you for so long. Man I was stupid. I know it's bad that I regret a relationship, but would you even call it that? HA! *sigh* So many mistakes, but I like how my bf knows about everything and still accepts me. I've done my wrongs, but because of them, I become a better person. Or at least I keep trying to better myself.

Memorial Weekend

posted on 5/29/2006 11:55:04 PM in (0) Comments

I can't find my Totoro notebook, and that kind of makes me iffy.

Well this weekend was pretty interesting I guess. A lot happened. It's been the longest time since I've been to my dad's house and I've come to realize that he isn't that bad of a guy, as long as you aren't his wife or his mother. I think he kind of likes to keep up appearances and stuff. Despite the bullshit he may feed me, I am alright because it's sometimes nice bullshit. I guess I'm just one of those people who feel like it's okay to be lied to sometimes, unless it's something like you're homework is due Friday, and then on Wednesday my teacher will collect it. I guess some things are just like fairytales.

I guess I just don't feel that I'm in love, and I feel bad about it. The thing is I'm afraid that I'll never fall in love with my boyfriend. It's not that I don't want to. I guess I just feel like it's going to take a while. He's not exactly the guy of my dreams, but because of how we connected and how he slowly got through to me, I gave him a chance. Additionally, he was quite persistent. I don't really regret it, he's sweet. Sometimes I feel like I can do better (not that he's a bad guy). Maybe that's partially because of shallowness, but we'll see.

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