Huh.

Wow. I haven't posted here in forever cuz I kinda forgot about Newblog. I should remedy that. But right now, bed. Yes. I have to get up in less than five hours, I should be going to bed. (0) Comments

Posted: 6/25/2007 1:08:58 AM

Public Service Announcement ;)

Daylight Savings Time ends tonight. Just in case anyone didn't see that. ;) (0) Comments

Posted: 10/29/2006 12:38:12 AM

humor: Bad Chili!

Found this while cleaning out my computer, from an old email that I reformatted and saved. I thought you people here at NewBlog would love it. Enjoy! ~~ NOTES FROM AN INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER NAMED FRANK, WHO WAS VISITING TEXAS FROM THE EAST COAST. "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge One: Smoky. With a hint of pork; slight Jalapeno tang. Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn-Down-the-Barn Chili Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensational Chili Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili Judge One: A perfect ending; this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? Frank: ____________.............(Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) (0) Comments

Posted: 9/30/2006 11:05:10 PM

gettin better

I feel much better now. That stomach flu was TOTALLY UNPLEASANT. More details can be found at my livejournal, I won't copy and paste them here too, but suffice to say it was disgustingly unpleasant. I'm still recovering too. But I've been back at work the past three days and it's been okay. I get little spasms of slight vertigo, which is normal for me when I'm recovering from having had a fever. (0) Comments

Posted: 9/28/2006 9:30:44 PM

been sick

just so y'all know, I've been sick with the stomach flu, so I haven't been on the computer hardly at all. I haven't abandoned newblog, I've just been too exhausted to use the computer /going back to bed (0) Comments

Posted: 9/24/2006 6:08:09 PM

humor: Geek proverbs

Now, I'm more of a nerd (I think) than a geek, but I like computers, and software in particular (disclaimer: never used Linux before; never had the opportunity to use it :( and my Intel Engineer brother tells me I'm really not missing out that much, that it's for more tech-oriented and geeky computer nerds than me, so I'm not concerned.) I found these via StumbleUpon (which is where I find most of my humor these days) and thought these were really awesome. So, I'm sharing them. :D Computer Quotes (NOTE: these quotes move around according to number of votes, so they may be in a different order when you visit. This is the order they're in right as I'm copying and pasting them. :P) 1. "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989 2. Sexy Unix Commands: date; unzip; touch; strip; finger; mount; gasp; yes; uptime; 3. Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips." 4. Sex is like hacking. You get in, you get out, and you hope you didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to you. 5. Want to Make $$$$ with your Computer? No Risk! Simply press shift-4 four times in a row 6. My programs never have bugs, they just develop random features. 7. That Jesus Christ guy is getting some terrible lag... it took him 3 days to respawn! 8. windows: 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1-bit of competition 9. Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows. 10. Real programmers don't comment! It was hard to write, It should be hard to read! 11. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 12. Error! Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 13. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk? 14. MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs 15. "I worry about my child and the Internet all the time, even though she's too young to have logged on yet. Here's what I worry about. I worry that 10 or 15 years from now, she will come to me and say 'Daddy, where were you when they took freedom of the press away from the Internet?'" --Mike Godwin, Electronic Frontier Foundation 16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure! 17. The box said "Requires Windows 95 or better." I can't understand why it won't work on my Linux computer. 18. I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 19. ISDN = It Still Does Nothing 20. MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers 21. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... 22. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N) 23. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. 24. Windows has detected a mouse movement. Please restart Windows so changes can take effect. 25. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso 26. Linux is like a teepee: no windows; no gates; Apache inside 27. Late to bed and early to rise gives a hacker blood-shot eyes. 28. The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 29. What is this talk of 'release?' Klingons do not make software 'releases.' Our software 'escapes,' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake. 30. 63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs, ya get 1 whacked with a service pack, now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!! 31. PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathmatics 32. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 33. If it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. 34. I pledge allegiance to the internet and to the principle of end-to-end connectivity for which it stands. One network, under construction, with liberty and access for all. 35. Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job. 36. A thousand words are worth a picture, and they load a heck of a lot faster. 37. A beowulf cluster of Cisco routers? Isn't that the Internet? 38. :-) = I am happy - :^) = I am happy with my big nose - C:\> = I am happy with my OS 39. Windows 2000: Designed for the Internet. The Internet: Designed for UNIX. 40. WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System 41. Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves. 42. Microsoft Zen - Become one with the blue screen. 43. Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to corrupt, trash, and otherwise cause permanent damage to useful information. 44. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. 45. "Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life." - Andrew Brown 46. I don't need to go outside, my CRT tan'll do me just fine. 47. I refuse to forfeit my freedoms for a little security- I login as root every time! 48. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 49. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C.?(Y/N) 50. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... 51. MCSE == Mentally Challenged Slave of the Empire. 52. PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms 53. Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS 54. Open Source is the guillotine, Linux is the blade; IBM gives it weight and Apple sharpens it. 55. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key 56. APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity 57. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding 58. Did you know that..Some Dreamcast games use Microsoft's Windows CE as their operating system! 59. Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. 60. Try to remove the color-problem by restarting your computer several times. -- Microsoft-Internet Explorer README.TXT I think that's enough for one day ;D (1) Comments

Posted: 9/13/2006 11:23:22 PM

humor: Rules Guys Wish Women Knew

Before I post this, I should remind y'all that I'm female. ;) That being said, I can totally understand these things! I might be a woman, but I'm not a stereotypical one, I'll say that! :P also, anytime you see this: (SBL's Editorial note: ) that's me making a comment. I'm SBL, in case you didn't notice ;) SirBartonsLady Rules Guys Wish Women Knew 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear. 6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 11. You have enough clothes. 12. You have too many shoes. 13. Crying is blackmail. 14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes. 18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 23. Check your oil. 24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. (SBL's Editorial note: I dispute this one ;)) 25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 26. No, it does not matter which quiz. 27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. (SBL's Editorial note: Same goes for the guys too! Mine will totally remember things I said two months ago and I'm like "Huh?") 28. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys. 29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. 31. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out. 32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done--not both. 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. (SBL's Editorial note: he also ended up in the wrong place XD) 35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. 37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. 39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 40. If it itches, it will be scratched. 41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. 43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 44. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together. 46. What the hell is a doily? (1) Comments

Posted: 9/13/2006 9:47:10 PM

humor: Speeding Ticket joke

(this is pretty funny ;)) The Speeding Ticket A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding... Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI. Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: You have a gun in there? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!? The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation. Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure, Officer. Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in there? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun. Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there. Driver: No problem. The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire. Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too! (1) Comments

Posted: 9/9/2006 12:55:23 AM

links: Craigslist

Okay, I know Craigslist isn't anything new to most of you guys, but occassionally I have these little fugues where I just browse like crazy through the Best of Craigslist. So, I'm going to post a list of links to my favorite ones. Dun like? Dun click. :P ------------------------------------------------ (I should note that some of these links are rather adult in nature, such is the nature of Craigslist. Just an FYI.) Hey Crackhead Boner killer What To Do When Your Kid Is Crying In Public. Doggie Dearest An Open Letter to President Bush Two doves on a window sill a few things that piss me off t'day... Are you kidding? Fuck Fruit Loops! a few things that piss me off t'day... John Goodman and a Parking Garage Kicked My Ass aw, fuck, I'm straight An Open Letter to Porn why I'm thinking two weeks, maybe OMFG, Gay porn guy across the courtyard, WT fucking F????? I got yelled at by a nutcase to the people screwing across the street (0) Comments

Posted: 9/8/2006 7:41:15 PM

humor: We've probably all heard some of these before...

... but it's fun to read them again, all at once. Rita Rudner was a rare wit. Rita Rudner's 50 Facts About Men 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. 4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald." 5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. 8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. 11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. 12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. 13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. 14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. 15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. 17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. 18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. 20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. 21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. 22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. 29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. 33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. 38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." 40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. 41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. 42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. 43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. 44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries on clothing from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. 46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 47. Men forget everything; women remember everything. 48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. 49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 50. All men would still really like to own a train set. (0) Comments

Posted: 9/5/2006 6:48:39 AM

humor: Men and Women joke

"Measuring Up" A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man Looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big.... I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the Barbecue grill." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right.... your butt is two inches wider than our barbecue grill!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big grill for one lousy little sausage?" (0) Comments

Posted: 9/4/2006 3:46:38 PM

links: New layout for the NewBlog account

Nifty. I like this layout. It mimics the computer internet browser window. I'm such a sucker for this kinda thing. :P And, just to make this worth your while to read, here's a useful page to visit. You can learn how to do the ¿ É ¬ symbols and such via the Alt key and the numbers on the right-hand side of your keyboard. It's an awesome page to keep a bookmark of. Trust me. It's not funny, it's flippin' useful! (0) Comments

Posted: 9/2/2006 1:34:02 PM

humor: Laughing Cat

This is quite possibly the funniest Flash animation I've ever seen. Stupidly so, too. It's just a cat giggling (or rather, a funny picture of a cat with an elfin-like giggle-snort-giggle background sound) the laughter is so contagious! Laughing Cat: I'd advise you to not drink anything, and to empty your bladder before visiting this site. It's a real doozy. I guarantee that you will laugh yourself silly if you let it run long enough. I guarantee that or your money back! :P (1) Comments

Posted: 8/28/2006 11:20:35 PM

humor: Monkeys

http://people.redhat.com/blizzard/monkeys.txt I LIKE MONKEYS I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys. (0) Comments

Posted: 8/26/2006 11:20:56 PM

humor: More humor

So, I thought I'd post some more findings via "StumbleUpon" since that thing owns my ass. Cannot Find Server: [Flash animation] how to handle one of those IE "Cannot Find Server" pages. Amusing for a while. What Is A Bastard?: [photo + caption] this is a riot. You just have to see it. History of the F-Word: [flash animation] WARNING FOR LANGUAGE. This is a hilarious view on the "history" of the word known as the "F-Word" If WWII was an MMORPG: [mock chat] A hilarious view on what WWII might have been like if Axis and Allied powers had duked it out in a MultiMedia Online Role Playing Game. Hilarious! Motivator Generator: [cg script] you know all those Motivational Posters out there, including the mock ones? This is a template to make your own! (0) Comments

Posted: 8/26/2006 11:18:02 PM

humor: More lame humor

Another thing I found that's amusing. I'm on a roll. http://www.boardofwisdom.com/mailquote.asp?msgid=22993 A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. (1) Comments

Posted: 8/20/2006 12:32:28 PM

humor: More amusing stuff to waste time with

I've discovered the wonder that is StumbleUpon. And already I've found some awesome gems of humor Icon War: [flash animation] desktop icons battle each other for supremacy. Very funny! A Penguin For You: [flash animation] sliding penguin writes out a message... the message is hilarious, and as a bonus you can make it say whatever you want afterwards! Capitalism and Cows: [list] how various corporations handle a pair of cows. Very amusing. ^_^ I LIKE MONKEYS: [fake anecdote] I about wet myself laughing at this thing. I don't even know why! Funny2.com - Huh?: I have no idea where these came from, but they are absolutely a riot! (My favorite: "He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants." ROFL) Crazy patents: People will patent anything. I don't know what's more hilarious -- the fancy euphemistic phrases people use to describe their "patents," or the fact that they were patented at all! Big Red Button: Whoever created this put waaaaaay too much time into it! It's addictive! And it cycles back through. Poke the Penguin: Another mindless game that is hilarious in its entirety. (0) Comments

Posted: 8/20/2006 12:17:14 PM

humor: Amusing flash animation

End of the World (flash animation): I just found this via stumbleupon. I love it. (Language warning) (0) Comments

Posted: 8/20/2006 12:09:07 PM

shawn
11/17/2006 10:16:08 PM
have a very wonderful weekend

TRUE_HUMAN
10/30/2006 6:34:08 AM
hi .how r ya doing?

shawn
10/26/2006 2:40:37 AM
stopped to say hi,hope you have a good day

Janis
10/25/2006 1:58:29 PM
Hey a freind another kitty!! yeah!
KOKO

shawn
10/17/2006 6:48:38 PM
hi,morning.hope you have a nice day

shawn
10/10/2006 5:27:21 AM
Just stopped to say hello:)

DEVON
9/30/2006 10:54:05 PM
ha nice cat

lostauthor
9/19/2006 6:28:17 PM
Hey thanks for adding to my friend list! my wife says I'm a nerd and that's part of what she digs about me, so embrace your nerd-ness! CDP

khojohn
9/5/2006 9:46:24 AM
Attracted by your cat!

Glory
8/29/2006 7:30:20 AM
Hi! Welcome to New Blog. I think you're going to fit right in with everyone here!

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