General: 27 weeks pregnant today

Wow, it really has been a while. since the last update, i actually did fall pregnant. in august. and now, i am 27weeks, with only the last trimester to go. it was weird looking back at the other entries, and knowing that my baby is actually due soon. that i am actually pregnant, with a child growing inside me, and yes, baby lets me know its there all the time now! (2) Comments

Posted: 2/21/2007 5:23:07 PM

General: Hello again

Hello again, i know that it has been along time since i have written in here. again, i am lost as to what to say. that is the usual problem when i am asked to update journals. what am i meant to say. i could tell you all the things that have happened sinec i last posted, which is not actually much... well, i found out that i wasnt pregnant, which was a relief i guess. i have thought about it aot since then. i do not so much wish for a child, but if i find out in the future, far or near that i am pregnant, i will love it. so i will not let myself resign to stressing over something that will happen in its own time and i have enough happening at the moment without it. so i shall let that rest for now... what else? things with the boyfriend are going well, as is school. generally, alot of homework and assignments and tests to do, but that is usual for year 12 i think. anyway, i must be off cindy (2) Comments

Posted: 9/11/2006 7:13:48 AM

General: Qoute i found..

Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the light, even though for the moment you do not see. (1) Comments

Posted: 8/22/2006 5:56:19 AM

Secrets: Stupid me

Well, i decided i needed to walk.. so i did.. and i took some paper with me.. and this is what i ended up with.. "now i lay me down to sleep,i prey the lord my soul to keep. and if i die before i wake,i prey the lord my soul to take. dont no why, but i like that poem...and no, im not suicidal or anything.. just a little stressed and confused at the moment. but i can fix that.. well i think i can.. mayb.. ya see, theres that problem i specified earlier.. and yes i no, stupid girl!! its happened before though.. and i found out i wasnt.. *then why would you let it possibly happen again? IDIOT* i guess i thought i wanted to be.. things piss me off about it though. i try clear my mind.. like i had an 8 hr shift at work, decided not to think about it.. they put me in babywear! and now, sitting here in a deserted park, a pregnant women has to walk by.. i think somone somewhere thought that would be funny! ok, gotta move.. kk found a new spot. on a deserted bus stop near a friends house. i txt her and asked her if she was busy, she said y.. im therefore assuming she is busy or she would have told me otherwise.. i think.. that if i really wanted company, i would have persued to find out where she is.. but i have to admit, she isnt really someone i want to talk to about this, as i had already. ya see, last night, i had a little break down.. and i didnt no what to do. i guess it kinda struck me that i might actually be..(which is really stupid come to think of it) i needed suport last night and i asked her to come on the net. she did and i told her wat was wrong. she kinda threw it all back in my face. i guess thats where i got the idea that im just a stupid stressed pathetic hopeful teenager. which is true. there is no chance that i can be pregnant! anyway, she was tired, left me shity and went to bed. nice.. i guess i was jsut looking for a little.. reasurance or comfort or somehting.. what ever it was, it wasnt wat she gave me. so heres what i have come up with.. i a) take a test, find out i am, stress and freak out but get thru it b)take a test n find out im not, feel absolutly stupid and not let it happen again c)dont take a test and convince myself im not d)dont take a test and have it sit in the back of my mind.. im out.. " and now i find myself sitting at my computer desk wondering. i have actually gone through a few of those options. i txt my bf and asked him to get me a test.. but now.. i dont want him to.. i will just feel so stupid if i find out im not!! but i think its too late.. i have to go and pick him up.. out, cindy (1) Comments

Posted: 8/22/2006 5:17:21 AM

Stupid stupid stupid me

She's right.. im too young and i coodnt do it.. even if i was... i couldnt do it. im not ready for it.. but hey, i shouldnt worry about it cos the simple fact.. im not.. its all in my head. im making myself think i am.. putting stupid false ideas in my mind and stressing over nothing. its stupid. its not possible. im not and i have to stop thinking i am. its so stupid to think i was, and worry that i was... i just have to accept that im not and stop being so friken stupid about it all.. get over myself and stop worrying everyone about it. its my own fault that i am stressed. im still a fucking teenager for gods sake. im out (2) Comments

Posted: 8/21/2006 7:53:17 AM

General: Short story section

i some how came up with this one at about midngiht one night... "could you imagine waking to the sound of death? do you even know what it sounds like? Emily didnt. for when the little girl woke she was nieve. at the young age of 6, she didnt even know what it meant to die.when her cat died, she was told it went on a holidat, but now,still half asleep, she was about to find out otherwise. "mummy.." she muttered, still tired, eyes barely open. climbing out of her bed, clutching her teddy, she slowly made her way towards the light that shon through the crack of the semi opened door. i guess you could say that death doesnt have a destinct sound. its different for most people. but what that little girl heard, is a sound she would never forget. emily heard death as a gun shot then a peircing scream, followed by scilence." (a bit more of this one, not in sequence though) "being so young, emily was never really told the truth about her father. But on that darkest night, emily heard a 2nd sound of death" feel free to let me know what you think. (4) Comments

Posted: 8/20/2006 7:26:49 AM

Poetry

I have a fair few poems i have written. ill only post one first though... i look around me at all the beautiful girls and the girls with small waists bodys i wish i could have voices took over my head and told me to work hard that if i want a chance i have to try i have to stop eating or eat much less than i do i need to have control so i can get results if only i had more time but i think its running out so i push myself harder and try not to fail i am stupid and weak because some days i give in for that i must punsih myself and stay strong i need to loose weight i need to keep going i cant give in or it will all be a waste the hunger consumes me but the will to weigh less over powers it a fight inside my head that i cant stop I also write stories and will post one of them soon. (1) Comments

Posted: 8/20/2006 7:21:59 AM

General: General info

This will be my general info stuff.. usual going ons in my life.. which i doubt will be used, seeing as i will most likely be ranting or i will write in my secrets... trying to think of some general info about myself... i love to drive.. fast.. but im always a safe driver. but i love the thrill of driving fast, though i will not overtake someone if i have to go around them into oncoming traffic lane, even if they are going 20k/hr. dont no why... What else to say...? i am actually in a really high mood at the moment which is weird for me.. seeing as what i just wrote in the secrets... but i m actually quite bouncy... hope it doesnt wear off anytime soon.. (3) Comments

Posted: 8/20/2006 4:36:16 AM

Secrets: Secret #1.

Its not really MA but i dont no for sure yet what the exact guidelines of what i should write as not MA are yet.. so.. Where to start... there is so much i have been wanting to say, and this is the first secret place and hopefully secure place i can think of writing about it... no1 i no yet will be able to read this and its on the net so no1 around here can read it, aslong as they dont log into it or i leave it logged on.. there are some things i wont mind ppl finding out, like i used to be depressed, and that i use to self harm, and that kinda jaz... most of my friends know all that anyway, and my sister know (to a certain extent) that i wasnt very happy but thats about all.. but i dont no why, but i dont want people around here really knowing about this yet.. now i know this sounds like something big and personal and all that but its only personal i guess.. i havnt actually been able to write it anywhere yet.. and hell, even now, i cant but i dont know why i make a big deal of it. i guess its cos im only 17 and most people would think im insane and irresponsible and shouldnt even consider it yet.. but i not only consider it, i try for it and i want it. what is it? a baby... yeah.. ok.. so i want to be pregnant.. at 17.. i want a child of my own. and i cant wait till it happens. iv been trying with my boyfriend.. and dont worry, he knows all about it.. but i dont actually anyone knows the extent to how much i actually want to fall pregnant.. there have been 3 times now it has been a possibility and each time i find out im not, my heart breaks a little.. and each time i try and tell myself its good that im not and that im not ready for it but i know that i am.. im just trying to reasure myself.. make it hurt a little less.. but hell, it doesnt work.. and then i try the other approach... mayb i am.. and think of all the possibilities that i could be and that this and that... but its always counteracted.. and even now... i wonder if i am.. and think of the posibilities that i could be and the reasons why i might be, but i know im not.. well, i wont actually know for sure for another.. 25ish days... lets see.. for the past 7ish months now, it has been a constant 5 days every 25days... but.. it was 10 days early for 6 days.. ok, now i no thats not usually too weird.. but i dunno.. i use an excuse like that to think that mayb i am.. looking things up on the net, getting ur period can still happen when your pregnant and even early.. but.. it could also simply mean i am stressed.. but i still like the idea that it cood mean i am.. there is also the mood swings.. tiredness but that cood be because i might not get enough sleep? again, counter thoughts... and a friend of mine has a cousin that still got her period when she was pregnant.. but god, i dont know! i guess i wait.. but how long... Ill try keep this up to date.. until then cindy (7) Comments

Posted: 8/20/2006 3:17:00 AM