just released Posted 5/4/2006 3:54:57 PM well tonight should be interesting.... my girlfriend got hospitalized by this guy (years ago) and sent him to prison..... today he got paroled.... the things he did to her are just awful and make my skin crawl.... i don't know exactly how she's taking it.... im just worried that she will be more restless than usual.... i honestly don't expect him to come bother her again, but with sociopaths it is hard to know what to expect.... my hope is that he appreciates a chance at freedom enough to keep from doing something stupid.... (1) Comments

agree to disagree Posted 4/22/2006 7:51:10 AM well i just got home from my girlfriends house(it still feels weird saying girlfriend to me).... i really think im starting to love her... well i do love her already... i love that even though we are both nearly 30 we can still play like we were teen-agers..... i really like her a lot! the only thing that bothers me isnt anything big and its more of an annoyance than a bother... sometimes she acts as if i dont know what im saying.... the truth in anything like this is that we can both be right.... i simply told her that i agree to disagree on the fine points..... i guess the problem is mine..... i mean damn do i really NEED to be right all the time? looks like i got some personality flaws i got to work on..... well thats it for now.... time to go to work...... ill be back soon internet land..... ill miss you even if you dont miss me...... (0) Comments

unchangable past Posted 4/21/2006 11:12:41 AM last night she fell asleep in my arms and as usual fell into her unrestful slumber.... muttering soft words i cannot understand is a near constant, but last night she nearly sat up and raised her hands in a defensive gesture.... i knew she was having "that dream" again.... it really kills me to see her pain..... i want so badly to help her, but know not what to do... so i did the only thing i could do.... i woke her up..... i cant go back into her past and save her from reality.... i feel so helpless because all i can do is momentarily save her from her dreams (that pick up off where they left off when she goes back to sleep).... i never met the man that did this to her, but i am reasonably secure that if there is a hell he belongs there..... i am nowhere near perfect and am likely the reason for someone's nightmares myself.... the past cannot be undone..... and the future may never come.... all you can do is be the very best you can be today!!!! so today i plan to hold her close and let her know just how very happy she makes me!!!!!!! (0) Comments

shivers in the night Posted 4/17/2006 12:15:04 PM as night falls and the stars shine brightly in the black sky i lie awake with you in my arms..... i watch you sleep your unrestful slumber and hear your soft incomprehensible cries.... i hold you closer hoping that my embrace comforts you.... i know there is nothing i can do to chase away those demons.... the restless shivering of your body breaks my heart.... i wish i could give you the answers you seek.... i only want you to feel peace once again..... the caged monsters inside my own soul taunt me.... they call out for me to join them once again.... the Prodigal son of dignity has returned..... i shall not answer them..... i dedicate my all to you.... one day we can find peace together.... love conquers all when it is genuine..... (0) Comments

forgeting the past... Posted 4/16/2006 9:29:17 PM because so many things in life are uncertian i remain sceptical. this pesky little defense mechanism makes building new relationships a difficult task.... its such a relief to me that i honestly believe that i have made the right decision this time....i am unafraid.... christina is the best and now that i have typed this out i am going to take my place on the couch next to her where i hope to be for unmesurable amounts of time.... to the ones who actually like and/or appreciate my poetry ill be posting something soon as i find the words for another work.... goodnight internet land.... i hope that you all find the happiness you seek... life is too short to be unfulfilling..... (1) Comments

enthralled Posted 4/15/2006 8:07:39 PM well im frazzled by christina i've spent every night basically since we met @ her house.... obviously, i really like this girl.The problem is that im just unsure of what to expect... every person ive ever been with has crapped on my feelings and made me not want to go on... is that what comes next? so anyway i went to her job w/ my sister (she works @ applebees), and my sister didn't seem much impressed with my selection (not the food i ordered)..... my sister is more of a mom to me than my mother is to me..... she said that christina's body language seemed suspicious.... as much as i don't want to hear this i cant help but to consider that my sister could be right.... i just want a fucking normal life (ya know white picket fences and minivans n shit)..... i want this to work.... i hope my sister is wrong..... im tired of being alone! (0) Comments

rain on my parade Posted 4/9/2006 11:11:58 PM a bit of joy mixed with pain..... so i met a girl i really like, and i think she likes me too..... she has a beautiful daughter who is so ornery it tickles me so... i like the family and everything seems pretty cool there .... so after spending the entire weekend in their company i get a call from my sister around 10:30pm.... my sister was a wreak (crying and nearly incomprehensible).... so in between sobs she tells me about how her live in boyfriend beat n choked her, and her having his ass arrested..... no this is not a new thing at all this is at least the 3rd time..... im just worried and angry and just at a loss in how to react..... i have been kinda the badass type my entire life..... hell i just got out of prison a year ago.... i dont want to do anything to compromise my freedom but there is a small voice (deep inside) that wants blood! i feel defeated because i know there is nothing to do but be the most understanding brother i can be for her..... my head is adrift with this new girl and her daughter..... all i really wanted was to be a father,and i just may have a chance right before my eyes..... i dont want to revert to the person i was.... all i really want is for my life to be happy again..... why does the world insist on being such a crappy place? i cant ever have a parade without the rain....... damnit!!!!!! damn everyone for being so hateful!!!!!!!! what ever happened to this enigma love? (0) Comments

c is for christina! Posted 4/8/2006 2:49:15 AM wow im so glad i went out tonight .... we drove around for like 2 hrs just talkin n shit.... when her car finally came to a stop we were in Atlantic City.... we walked the boardwalk for a while and ended up on the beach... watching the waves crash into the sandy beach we talked more..... its just amazing that i actually enjoyed myself..... hopefully tomorrow ill see her again..... what a night indeed! (0) Comments

to the bar!.......... Posted 4/7/2006 6:47:58 PM well sorry guys no poetry today..... tonight im sposed to meet some chick i just met TONIGHT on myspace 4 drinks..... not really sure what to expect ( if you ever met some1 in person from the net ya know about misleading pics)..... it should be interesting..... ill be back to write about it later.... geez im such a pathetic nerd.... lmfao!!!!! (1) Comments

"second thoughts" Posted 4/6/2006 8:19:16 PM i swallow these pills and guzzle down whisky....... i know when im gone no one will miss me..... the nightmare of life reaching an end..... the cuts on my wrist.... my only friend... as the rope stretches making its dreadful creak.... the knot tightens round my neck.... i can no longer speak.... with the taste of metal ill figure this out..... pulling a trigger is easy no doubt... life has gone to far ive reached my edge.... this building is high...... i cant jump this ledge..... with tears in my eyes i digress.... my life is mine.... its all i possess... (0) Comments

"the x" Posted 4/5/2006 8:47:21 PM looking upon her i see through.... how could i love someone i never knew?..... the promises and dreams were all lies and schemes.... all the things you said to me were untrue... i slept in that grave for so many years.... im still dying.... these eyes still crying.... you are the reality of my fears..... give back my heart.... i need it to live..... what is done is done i cannot forgive.... go away quickly....... don't stay and pretend.... you never loved me before...... you were'nt even my friend...... (1) Comments

"the night air" Posted 4/4/2006 7:59:46 PM staring up at the evening sky i wonder if somewhere many miles away she is doing the same... the cool night breeze caresses my skin and tantalizes my flesh with goose bumps.... haunting visions of her plague my heart.... she is ever a mystery to me.... always just out of reach..... my soul mate..... i long for her friendship...... please come to me and complete this puzzle.... make me whole my love.... let us join our souls.... hold me from this moment till the end of time.... (0) Comments

"keeping louetta" Posted 4/3/2006 10:32:32 PM armed with my pale and plastic shovel.... I ventured in to the jungle that was my backyard...... where my playmates were Cukukalan and Rember (my imaginary mouse friends) the warm sun scorched my milky white skin... behind the junipers that divided my yard from hers the rustleing of her skirt and the clatter of empty cans caused a feline stampeed..... louetta was an old woman nearly 100.... perhaps it was my childish curiosity that made me cross the wall of vegitation or perhaps destiny.... leathery creases wrinkled and contorted to form a beaming and heartfelt smile.... pale blue-grey eyes that seemed to reach back to the beginning of time looked down upon me.... after many years I cannot remember the brief conversation that entailed, but every day after I went to be with my new friend and help with her "children"...... hundreds of miniature lions panthers and tigers each with their own name and equally loved came from every nook and cranny to congregate at her side.... never did I hear a hint of anger nor bitterness in her gentle voice.... she had had made her peace with her god and was waiting to be with him.... only once did I enter her house.... despite the malodourous scent of animals and mothballs her home was neat as could be.... a dusty afgan covered the overstuffed easychair where she sat watching television most times..... beside her a silver framed black and white picture of a soldier stood forever at attention.... as I grew older I began to make friends with the other children in my neighborhood and my visits with Louetta became less and less until I never returned..... still every day at five o'clock the the wild beasts returned home..... I had grown up and become too important for my very first friend.... its hard for me to think this now but there was a twinkle in that old woman's eyes that knew I wouldn't be her friend long.... they had all left her ....I was no diffrent.... Louetta died nearly 20 years ago and I never said goodbye or even took note that she had passed..... however, today after many years she lived again... forever etched in my mind.... together with her long forgotten soldier in heaven....happy at last! (0) Comments

mother Posted 4/3/2006 10:27:04 PM the grey sky opens and spills tears from heaven.... the mother replenishes this earth with moist love.... cradling us all in her arms.... no child shivers in the warmth of her bosom.... she sings every creation to sleep with her soft weeping...... eternally wise and ageless she watches over us.... as our iniquities deeply sadden her..... everything she has taught us goes unheard.... each day we hate each other ..... every day someone is killed..... jealousy thrives in our hearts like cancer..... yet she loves us all....... we are her children...... she is waiting for us to come home..... (0) Comments

me just runnin my trap Posted 4/3/2006 9:38:55 PM to think that life can be a great joy is nearly unfathomable to me..... i spent the last 8 yrs of my life with or thinking of my son's mother... i think about her increasingly less but.... i just don't want to let those memories die just yet.... i have briefly dated a couple different girls but it just didn't feel right.... i guess i simply don't know what i want anymore.... everything is so tasteless and bland ..... sex doesn't even feel good to me..... i have considered that it could be that i still love her..... is this fair to me? i only want someone who will be my friend.... someone i can love now that i am mature enough to know how to..... i made so many friggin stupid mistakes.... i took her for granted.... i was a selfish angry person.... what amazes me now is that i had the audacity to be surprised when she left..... it is said that women mature faster then men ...... life has made me a believer..... now i can say with tried and true conviction that i am a man..... every day i learn that i was ignorant of SOMETHING yesterday..... my true knowledge is that i am vastly ignorant..... i hope that i can find a woman who is patient enough to see past my awkwardness to the kindness and endearing love i want to give when the time is right........ (0) Comments

a dark world Posted 4/1/2006 2:44:32 PM the hopelessness i feel when it comes to love is unparalleled..... i once had a fiance a child a house a good job and the works.... now i feel like im trying to get all those things back with someone new.... but is that what i really want? truthfully, im not even sure anymore..... people are so self-serving and indecisive i dont think i really want anyone anymore.... i just miss belonging..... that warm feeling of family..... now i just feel estranged and disfranchised..... an outsider in my own life..... sometimes (when i have had too much to drink).... i still miss her most of all i miss me....... just who is this person i am now? forever changed without the ability to give my son the love he needs............... i hope his "new dad" loves him as much as i do...... (1) Comments

the strength of man Posted 3/28/2006 9:43:13 PM behind a squared jaw and chiseled features..... lay the hardened stare of a man whos made nearly every mistake known...... the errors of his ways scar his body and soul....behind cold eyes lies a vast emptiness.......a cavernous void... walled with festering sores that never heal........ once love seemed it would last forever..... now distant voices call out my name as hollow footsteps echo ever closer in the night..... the spirits are back again ......the fear...... omnipresent.... the ghost is haunting me...... together we are strong...... without you i am terrified...... hold me closer till its gone........ we will survive...... alone i am ever afraid....... (1) Comments

"searching my body for the made in taiwan sticker " Posted 3/25/2006 11:39:32 PM after being with you i was on a cloud.... having you for a lover made me proud.... your soft moan and our mixing sweat..... you gave me a night ill never forget... my sheets still smell like you..... my heart still beats your name.... my mouth still tastes of you..... without your love..... i am not the same.... where did you go? or even better...... why? ive been broken too many times before..... this hardened heart wont let me cry ...... i gave my soul to you..... all i can do is weep.... i gave my all to you.... and now i just feel cheap..... (3) Comments

"the nightmare" Posted 3/25/2006 11:11:32 PM thinking that he evaded destiny he continued running..... the sounds of the night enveloped him .... there was nothing but the darkness and his rhythmic breathing for miles.... the stars shone brightly in the blackened sky ..... this was a night he would never forget....... her voice in his mind echoing...... begging...... pleading him not to go..... yet he left the warm comfort of her and entered obscurity..... how could he have known that this night ...... here ... now......... could of ended up like this.... a desperate struggle for his life..... his mind racing ...... searching.... hoping for that lucky break.... a dark cavern..... a gully...... a ditch.... any form of cover........ NOTHING!...... unable to force his quivering legs another stride his body collapses with the hollow thump of a corpse...... alone in the darkness... him and his fears..... lurking in every shadow ,around every bramble,.... slowly surrounding him ..... devouring him... with cold pungent sweat soaking his clothes he slithers one inch at a time deeper into the void...... suddenly..... a loud howling .... .....NO... a lifeless screeching brings the blinding light of day...... he awakes to find himself in her arms trembling ...... another nightmare ........ something must be wrong he thinks to himself ...... he holds her tightly and watches her sleep in his arms for a brief moment.... then....slowly..... mechanically..... he arises...... puts on his tie....... picks up his briefcase......and leaves to start another day at the office...... softly she whispers to herself please dont go.... for one a nightmare ends....... ...... for another it begins ........ something must be wrong she thinks to herself as she arises to an empty house....... alone....... today....... as yesterday........ and countless days before.......... written by: none other but me! RUNNING WITH SCISSORS (0) Comments

"confessions before HIM" Posted 3/25/2006 11:07:56 PM as I type this I am on auto pilot ..... my battered hands and nicotine stained fingers know not the end result of this..... the only religious icon I have ever owned hangs above my head ominously..... neatly rowed beads crown the dusty plastic jesus peering down on me..... meeting a man of such kindness and wisdom is unfathomable to me..... fighting the urge to hide in the bottom of a bottle..... I type my confessions before HIM.... knowing my prayers will go unheard and tomorrow will hold no great revelations nor reason to rejoice....... my forsaken soul a battered and bruised child.... his naked body shivering in the cold..... the worlds cigarette burns scar my arms.... tonight they will have their way with me again.... the icy chill of disenfranchisement is killing me.... the warmth of love an enigma..... nothing matters..... they all have hurt you..... love is a hollow lie.... (0) Comments