emotional connection Posted 12/22/2008 1:12:11 AM i've been feeling so many kinds of feelings lately. it can be overwhelming at times. i even cried for the first time in i dont remember. im talking like multiple streams of tears coming down and a really strong indescribable feeling, but to be honest it felt good...to feel something as powerful and moving as that. to feel that im human, im imperfect, and that everyone cries sometimes. i remember the video for the post i made for valentine's day, a photo that stands out to me is the soldier crying for his friend who just passed on, and it's just so......strong of a feeling. it's sad but in another way, it's happy. because it shows the intense care and connection there.my love life is basically a lack of love life. all throughout school i was always alone, so i never really had much friends let alone relationships. the first time i ever felt really strong feelings for someone turned out to be a mess and im putting the blame on me because i acted weird and i was too shy to talk normally, plus how it can be difficult for me to talk in the first place...but looking back i realize how much more immature i was then, and how much i have learned by now, and am thankful for having learned that.after i finally moved on, from all levels, from that situation, i was sailing along fine. in fact that was when i first got into spirituality--i had already gotten into astrology, but this pushed me beyond just that main topic in a much deeper way--because that situation left me feeling so empty and hurt that i was really, really soul searching. i needed something, some reason to live for. i sought refuge in spirituality, a place where no one is left out and the whole deeper message is to love...love everyone. the other morning driving to work they had callers call in with "three word phrases" about God/religion. the station is a christian station but this can apply to any religion, as there is no monopoly on God and the reason all of us are existing on this planet right now. one caller called in and summed it up as: "Love Difficult People" and the hosts laughed and remarked at how true that was. that's one of the hardest things for anyone to do. Jesus basically did that in the most extreme situation possible. that is why i needed spirituality. because it's where the goal is to love and not exclude anyone. that, and the fact that i was really searching for more understanding about how the universe works and any answers i could find, because i was not "normal" and "normal" life was not fulfilling to me. i needed something special (this reminds me of chiron a lot).when i talked to the psychic, that changed my smooth sailing though. i was thinking that i would find a soulmate basically, based on how excited she got when she was telling me this. looking back on it, i dont even know. maybe i just misinterpreted it..maybe she just meant something much more casual. i dont know and im keeping my word and not looking back but i still just wonder. i mean, what exactly was all this? on one hand i would like to open up more about it but on the other hand im trying to move on and let it go. the sun is conjunct uranus right now and it's like "sudden changes everywhere". almost like i need to be reborn in a way, to a whole new person, with new ideas, new values, etc. and for the most part that is what im doing. im not looking at the past anymore, im getting back to myself and the things that i value most. but i bring this up in reflection because this was the second time that i really had strong feelings. much of those feelings were all in my head, originating from what the psychic said, because i never really even got to know the person at all in the first place. and now i've realized that i need to move on, to what's best for me, again.and so, suddenly i feel this void. all the ideas i had, all the signs that i thought i saw, fading away. and now what? that left me feeling so empty. to have to completely remove that section from my mind and experience.and as i've asked for advice from a trusted friend, she said that it's a good thing im feeling empty. it means that im finally making space in my life for new and better things. and so i wonder, what new and better things do i want in my life? if there's any big lesson i've learned from all of this, it's to not get caught up in ideas and neglect to take into account reality and my intuition. my imagination and confusion were the biggest issue for me during this experience. if i would have trusted the fact that i was confused, the situation was unclear and the person never talked to me or even didnt appreciate me opening up about this (even though they were already reading my journal), i would have just moved on. but i was confused to the point that even though it didnt look like anything was happening, i kept thinking it might eventually happen. and i stalled my own personal growth and path. and what i've been shown is that it's a dead end and that i have to move on to what i need to be doing. this is such a confusing thing, i still feel like there might be a chance to talk, and that some healing can take place, but im much more realistic and down to earth about this. im just trying to find a balance between being realistic and what i feel in my heart...that it just seems like it doesnt have to be so closed off or abrupt. but i cant be the one to start that, and i dont see the whole picture so what do i know. maybe this is the way it needs to be. i just feel like opening up about the fact that there is a part of me that cares and doesnt want to be so closed off/abrupt.so i've been feeling this emptiness and sense of trying to find out what i want to fill this in. i've had these ideas...that i wanted to find someone who i wouldnt have to change for, the only exception being change for the better, which is what i want. who would have similar interests as me. a rare wise and spiritual person who is beyond many of the "normal" things that people do. a person who doesnt need to drink, smoke, or do other spiritually hampering things. a person who doesnt need to complain about so much of the mundane things people complain about. someone who is beyond that, and sees the beauty in things that other people rant about. a person who would do yoga with me, meditate with me, eat healthy with me, even go on fasts with me to purify and shine brighter. a person with spiritual evolution as one of their main goals, who would be willing to do the types of things i want and need for this. reflecting on how i am in social situations--feeling alone for the most part, with no one to truly understand--one thing i feel i need the strongest is someone who can finally understand like that. for all the times i feel alone or misunderstood, can be there to understand. i think that might just be the most important thing that im looking for--that understanding that i dont think i've ever had...but to be fair, all of this is just what i think i want. perhaps what i truly want and need is slightly or even wildly different than this. i have to trust my intuition above all...that's what i've learned so all of the above comes second to my intuition.im kind of trailing off here, but i feel a need to be reborn. (0) Comments

sacral nirvana Posted 12/17/2008 11:39:59 AM the other night driving home, this song came on the radio that was so inspiring to me. to the point where i was really moved and wanted to buy it after finding out what it was. i just checked the radio station's playlist and found what i heard, and a clip of it is here:Wildwood Crest by the Tim Janis Ensembleand there is another one i really liked from their website: Morro Bayso i was trying to find videos of these on youtube possibly but couldnt find them. Anonymous vs. Church of Scientology - The Ides of March. . i did run into a song that i used to listen to a lot:. (0) Comments

work and things Posted 12/10/2008 7:04:26 AM im here at my work on this wednesday morning. i should say, freezing cold wednesday morning. walking through the parking lot to get here i (and everyone else here) was blasted by icy winds. the temp is like i think 25 outside right now, with windchill maybe 10, 5, ? actually i just checked and it's 4. this is not that cold for here but yesterday it was in the 50s. on saturday it was in the 70s here, and on sunday it was near blizzard conditions in the north part of town. i went driving around in the snow and quickly found out how dangerous the roads were. on a normally 50mph road, we were all doing 20 with extremely cautious braking. in the timespan of a few minutes, i came across several cars that had slid off the road or into each other. the layer of transparent ice on the road was the slipperiest i ever came across.and i read about the tornadoes that seem to keep on assaulting the southeast. its amazing how fast it's changing--winter tornadoes were practically nonexistent, until suddenly they are nearly weekly events.i've wanted to post about something for a while but never got around to it. not really anything important, but things i just find inspiring or neat about here. im working on schriever afb, which is about 15 miles east of colorado springs, out in the open prarie. and there is something about this that is inspiring and different. the vast openness, and the fact that there are few people around. the most civilization around here are scattered ranches/homes that dot the landscape. when you go outside, you hear the stillness (if not the wind). there are no runways or aircraft here; this base is used for satellite and space operations. there are several large white radar and communications domes, along with various other antennas and more traditional satellite dishes. all of the GPS satellites are controlled here, along with many others.there is another guy who works here that arrived at the same time as me so there is that sort of familiar "in the same boat" vibe and so we've been eating lunch together. we started doing this walk during lunch too..there is a track that walks around the entire perimeter which is 3.4 miles and yesterday we walked around it while talking about stuff. it was a beautiful day out with the sun and everything, the breeze, and the front range mountains in the distance over the horizon. i think i even have a slight tan for the first time in a long time. the guy is in his 40s and is a christian. i bring that up because thats what we have talked about a lot. i asked about things like astrology and numerology and so from there we started going in that spiritual direction which is my favorite.and the astrology thing came up because two weeks ago it was this girl's birthday here. her area is all decorated with all kinds of familiar/friend/personal things, typical of water signs like pisces, and she had a little sticker hanging from her shelf that had the pisces symbol and so i brought it up and she was really excited about astrology. she wasnt familiar with some of the deeper things like the ascendant and the chart but was interested so we went to astro.com to check it out, and everyone else (the walking guy included) was there and watching. i only bring that up because it started this discussion among everyone about astrology...some saying the popular opinion that it didnt mean anything, others joking around like "my sign vs. your sign", and everyone ended up saying what they were. so the girl was a pisces, the walking guy is a scorpio, there was another guy who was an aries, and another one named joe who was a leo. im guessing joe might have a cancer ascendant because he didnt come off like a leo at all, until he started opening up.after typing that last part i went away for a bit and am now back and not sure if i had anything more to say. i just thought it was neat. oh yea, i remember something i wanted to say now:the other day we were walking after lunch and i asked if he was familiar with numerology. he was not that interested in it, but he did say that he thinks at least some of it has credence. i started explaining how the day someone is born on has its own meaning too. so i asked what his day was he said november 9th and i started explaining about 9, and how it's very humanitarian, idealistic and broad-minded. and thats exactly the type of person he was--he has been reading up on all of this satellite and orbital launch information to understand it and is really interested in this stuff. he has traveled a lot and in general is open to many different viewpoints. he asked what 7 meant, because his wife was born on may 7th, a taurus. and i tried to explain how it's introspective, neptunian, kind of like a person whose main focus isnt on being social or anything like that...that their focus is more on being independent and discovering esoteric/hidden things, someone who wants to research and delve into something, some topic or interest.when we got back here to the office i showed him decoz.com where it explains more in-depth about the birthday numbers and we read a few. and then he started talking about this (numerology) with another guy here who got curious and so he was reading about his own day (30) on decoz and i just thought it was neat how they sort of got interested in it, like something out of the box, which is where i think i'll always be, at least in my heart. (0) Comments

work and things Posted 12/10/2008 7:04:19 AM im here at my work on this wednesday morning. i should say, freezing cold wednesday morning. walking through the parking lot to get here i (and everyone else here) was blasted by icy winds. the temp is like i think 25 outside right now, with windchill maybe 10, 5, ? actually i just checked and it's 4. this is not that cold for here but yesterday it was in the 50s. on saturday it was in the 70s here, and on sunday it was near blizzard conditions in the north part of town. i went driving around in the snow and quickly found out how dangerous the roads were. on a normally 50mph road, we were all doing 20 with extremely cautious braking. in the timespan of a few minutes, i came across several cars that had slid off the road or into each other. the layer of transparent ice on the road was the slipperiest i ever came across.and i read about the tornadoes that seem to keep on assaulting the southeast. its amazing how fast it's changing--winter tornadoes were practically nonexistent, until suddenly they are nearly weekly events.i've wanted to post about something for a while but never got around to it. not really anything important, but things i just find inspiring or neat about here. im working on schriever afb, which is about 15 miles east of colorado springs, out in the open prarie. and there is something about this that is inspiring and different. the vast openness, and the fact that there are few people around. the most civilization around here are scattered ranches/homes that dot the landscape. when you go outside, you hear the stillness (if not the wind). there are no runways or aircraft here; this base is used for satellite and space operations. there are several large white radar and communications domes, along with various other antennas and more traditional satellite dishes. all of the GPS satellites are controlled here, along with many others.there is another guy who works here that arrived at the same time as me so there is that sort of familiar "in the same boat" vibe and so we've been eating lunch together. we started doing this walk during lunch too..there is a track that walks around the entire perimeter which is 3.4 miles and yesterday we walked around it while talking about stuff. it was a beautiful day out with the sun and everything, the breeze, and the front range mountains in the distance over the horizon. i think i even have a slight tan for the first time in a long time. the guy is in his 40s and is a christian. i bring that up because thats what we have talked about a lot. i asked about things like astrology and numerology and so from there we started going in that spiritual direction which is my favorite.and the astrology thing came up because two weeks ago it was this girl's birthday here. her area is all decorated with all kinds of familiar/friend/personal things, typical of water signs like pisces, and she had a little sticker hanging from her shelf that had the pisces symbol and so i brought it up and she was really excited about astrology. she wasnt familiar with some of the deeper things like the ascendant and the chart but was interested so we went to astro.com to check it out, and everyone else (the walking guy included) was there and watching. i only bring that up because it started this discussion among everyone about astrology...some saying the popular opinion that it didnt mean anything, others joking around like "my sign vs. your sign", and everyone ended up saying what they were. so the girl was a pisces, the walking guy is a scorpio, there was another guy who was an aries, and another one named joe who was a leo. im guessing joe might have a cancer ascendant because he didnt come off like a leo at all, until he started opening up.after typing that last part i went away for a bit and am now back and not sure if i had anything more to say. i just thought it was neat. oh yea, i remember something i wanted to say now:the other day we were walking after lunch and i asked if he was familiar with numerology. he was not that interested in it, but he did say that he thinks at least some of it has credence. i started explaining how the day someone is born on has its own meaning too. so i asked what his day was he said november 9th and i started explaining about 9, and how it's very humanitarian, idealistic and broad-minded. and thats exactly the type of person he was--he has been reading up on all of this satellite and orbital launch information to understand it and is really interested in this stuff. he has traveled a lot and in general is open to many different viewpoints. he asked what 7 meant, because his wife was born on may 7th, a taurus. and i tried to explain how it's introspective, neptunian, kind of like a person whose main focus isnt on being social or anything like that...that their focus is more on being independent and discovering esoteric/hidden things, someone who wants to research and delve into something, some topic or interest.when we got back here to the office i showed him decoz.com where it explains more in-depth about the birthday numbers and we read a few. and then he started talking about this (numerology) with another guy here who got curious and so he was reading about his own day (30) on decoz and i just thought it was neat how they sort of got interested in it, like something out of the box, which is where i think i'll always be, at least in my heart. (0) Comments

henq Posted 11/21/2008 2:22:02 PM cherokee casino korean teen stereoscopic movies big uns rm to avi free ware video converter avenue chatroom amateure sex videos low cost health ins animal instict movie mvp home videos lift cherokee nc indian online pharmacy movie ratings review simple plan video code astra zeneca nexium photography video wedding imitrex line oral blazer chevy rim alcohol and drug problems free motorola v60 ringtones indiana jones las vegas bachelor amateur men video sitemap nat rev drug discov. leftover crack gay rude boys partner stunt videos airplane landing video star wars video hostels thrifty financial services springfield ma sfbayvideo forum movie of girl in pantie hose sample music sex game ideas javax.comm.serialporteventlistener nissan skyline r34 huge-boobs.net absinthe and drug testing boys french kissing girls escort video clip justin morgan had a horse video renaissance period horse sheath tack strip carpet avoid drug during pregnancy dehydrators adderall abuse in adults rear window movie poster adverts amp plugin video win backyard fights i like alot of movie yucky kids discovery you crying shoulder teenager drug testing updo hairstyles action celebrex class ebaums world funny videos ricky sanders washington redskins stopping wellbutrin xl sheek louch video aramark uniforms kidspiration 2.0 music video fat by weird al stroking penis movie live streaming tv movies adipex discount pharmacy purchase miami valley hospital oh gay asian lets get blown video sitemap movie star 5 dazzle methamphetamine false test didrex anarobic respiration asthma drugs uk five star earth spinning video haruka rise of rome no cd patch mitsubishi auto parts rust proofing waltex drug melons animation movie making index phentermine actos claritin d hr asian dragon tattoos adderall in cyprus shake video editor 4x4 ford ranger delta airline jobs withdrawal from gen prozac antipsychotic drug pee in bushes case pocket knives islamic community center of tempe kish and iran recreational fishing license nsw sitemap amature wrestling movies tsunami photos as delivery drug liposome system animal planet .com alpine video bypass comic sex spanking chat event planning degree simran movie kayaking winchester rifle affixer drug animated movie avatars overclockers.co.uk problem inland revenue uk marriott in london england bag chloe edith knowledge navigator movie assassination attempt president reagan ronald video david bisbal uk vw golf forum multinational drug company fitness pittman zoloft murder the cost of acetaminophen online baccarat bathroom remodeling award winning movies 2003 poker stars cheats amor custodia en video mdrx pharmacy what is naproxen robert dinero movie clips mac video editing suite alabama auburn movie theater act controlled drug substance l koodi saratoga warning sign of drug addiction eric clapton tears in heaven london drug employment powerdvd 6.0 key lawrence kansas movie theater iraq war combat video steroids for sale aisan tsunami videos keo cutter toneplayer ringtones cary north carolina ntsc composite video markus ruhl video clip celexa cymbalta effexor lexapro luvox paxil prozac remeron seroxat serzone free cell phone number lookup avril lavinge naked sitemap index ogre halo 2 video catch cheating girlfriend wrecks snappy video software recordnow max 4.5 update sexkey id old movie wallpaper sample video of woman orgasm 500c i lowrance way myonlinemeds.biz renova viagra spiriva drug use trazadone ativan interaction kim novak movies free foreclosure listing florida free recipe sitemap out cold the movie effexor success stories america mp3 liqour licenses longevity nissan motors escort free model movie russian corolla ear tubes modafinil provigil anti-depressant lisinopril doseage index pole dancers video clips techno music kristin kreuk splenda side effects index gucci replica web catalog tool milf galleries journal of drug delivery science train station adderall benefits decreased after prolong usage scarymovie mature milf continetal airlines anna nicole smith movie in abilene texas effects periactin side o dwyer property management last element band amc movie theaters phoenix leffat buy adipex with no prescription online shrinking apap drugs elchat ask jeeves ice planet movie extreme video soccer nordstrom promo code nfsu serial mental health drugs for illness pc video players sexy shemale lingerie dripless candle superflex uk online flash game abbey titmus movie effects lortab side travel greece index information on celebrex wnc mtn bike rentals link meridia.html pharmos yy2.com ped meds tawny roberts in the snow lyrics for what its like by jagged edge le griffe font manila philippine video news injection drug users nextel cell phone movie theater accessory ohio drug rehab centers adipex online doctor ozzy perry mason video sitemap adult kerala movie shakeela.com wedding table centerpiece maui jim sunglasses starwars battlefront no cd 1.2 philadelphia auto show megaboobs free christian music video downloads california super lotto results free nextel ringtones acetaminophen vs advil organ damage 1969 corvette convertible for sale alexisonfire music videos codes adipex vs vitamin supplement ferrari f1 car klonopin vs valium movie song theme transformer pam anderson and tommy lee video download monaco motor home nc state university latest movie songs ill be missing u lyric hunting blind older woman porn video b17 one way ticket video elival drug not a another teen movie movies being made right now sea sickness medicine torture raising quail erricson phone sony used riding lawn mowers accutane 40mg monique alexander movies quickbooks 2004 premier crack movie review black rani ragged glory font led zeppelin video download dubai hotel jobs metal bed frame university hospital augusta ga ingredient synthroid microsoft mappoint magic swf2avi v2.12 crack atv equipment university of michigan pharmacy residency ambien cheap link online takeoff.to nec e525 ringtones piano sheet music it safe smoke vicodin mas de torrent girona employment and immigration canada wireless baby video monitor scary movies of 2005 massachusetts college of pharmacy and medicine rock crawling video game adult live web video chat kissing lesbian sample video prescription drug hydrocodone decoration table wedding cheap phentermine 37 5mg misbranded drugs seehersquirt videos authorized generic drug bed bath and beyond bedding kosmar holidays greece essays on legalization of drugs cooling towers bulging speedos chris geary christian apparel inspirational poem woman index ultra pornstars easter dress size 5 list proxy public server ringtone samsung t309 pharmacy technician southern california menadol drug mature anal hotbird satellite tv buy online ortho tricyclen nikki fm music video code new york state licensing rf modulator lagu tradisional melayu ed wood movie director utah pharmacy technician sex free teen video xxx air soft pellet gun index free webcam chatrooms internet auction sites pay pal download sex movie appleton and lange review of pharmacy painkiller no cd 1.61 act drug patient system transparent valentine gift basket index road rash video games lance romance levitra erections nacma standards areba drug spirit of st louis movie movie movielink index adaware free se fitting inoa negative side effects of zocor norco ryde 2005 devotions av hong kong movie porn for women movie spy game fuck hard wife morphine withdrawl symptom other movie waisman somerhill gallery chapel hill music replay crack siofok appartement asian tit fuck movie naproxen drug tests marconi mason movie beastiality trailers s video distribution amplifiers custom shift knobs movie sex world state of california medical license board matthew marshall.com swinger couples original cd emulator crack smackdown vs raw video clips list of narcotic drugs acoustica mixcraft number serial clip bathroom design movie gallery movie rental adderall bad internet drug arrest index off paxil wean stars in the movie jeremiah johnson cooking schedule vi drug iraq killing russian video airline airline bid cheap flight ticket ticket drug killing pain vicoden canon printer prozac and dry mouth index movie street wall wolf index doctor types xanax mexico index doom download lystiuk illinois state board of pharmacy skateboarding tip trick video movie pic superman girl next door computer virus nutrition kottonmouth adderall cold hands feet ephedrine ephedrine vitalbodyfitness.com montell jordan parkour movie clips frog eggs magnolias making movie steel index diesel shoes crf 50 iranian movies free download costume halloween sexy movies on demand rogers asian free porn nivea pharmacy purchase sitemap stupid crap videos jigsaw puzzles shower fun microsoft visual studio .net 2003 torrent cephalexin information aguilera by christina dirty ebay commercial trucks laptop cases lyrics to its like that mariah hentai misty naked pokemon online online pharmacy prescription rxpricebusters.com lesbian lick mature movie mildly handicapped john f kennedy assasination video amortization excel loan schedule tramadol prescribing what is amitriptyline 10mg used for anime sex movie gallery audio business directory image video web ringtone composer motorola v220 index effects i.us phentermine side gta san andreas azo drugs movie jack dvd xl ipaq video codecs khias video hot tub lids battle chasers index matlab 6.1 crackingol (0) Comments

Archives December, 2008 November, 2008

Calendar

Blog Categories All Categories

General Comments Please login to post a comment.