"When I See You" -- Fantasia

When I saw him... I got all blushy inside. I feel like this was a creation using nonexistent feelings and a tight friendship. Was that the right move? 3 simple words proved me wrong. I thought he didn't care. I thought he was so consumed with college, he forgot about me. I love you. SIKE. While we were texting and I gave him the conversation ender, he said: How are you? How am I? My life feels like it's going to hell but the fact that you asked me how am I doing (to me) seems like you care. He cares? I think so... but I was so content with just letting him go. Let him go and I will be free. Allison got some in the Burgh so I know I'd get some in Cali. So many temptations. So many things to take me away from my dedication. I was dedicated for 2 meaningless years. Why should I dedicate myself right now. I am a college freshman. I'm supposed to have fun. FUN FUN FUN. I just need to move on... But it's never as easy as it sounds. Back to the title... When I saw him, I smiled. I thought it was on the inside. There was nothing sexual or physical about our connection. We were just hecka cool. I always thought he was cute. Just never said I should go out with him. If I could take back the time I spent with ol bol and get with this bol, I would. Maybe that would have pushed me to pump CMU for mo money. I can't do this man... My heart wants one thing but I know that it can't be like that. The last thing I want to do is to hold him to different standards than the ones I hold myself to. Even tho I told him my intentions, he still wanted to become attached. Attached... oh well. Now we gotta deal with it. I dunno if it affects him as much as it does me. Maybe it affects me so much cuz I'm still in Philly and he's already in college. I can't boo love when I wanna. I can't do what I want when I want with him. And it's rather annoying. VERY. I miss him... UNFORTUNATELY. (0) Comments

Posted: 8/29/2007 9:24:16 PM

Leaving The Summer Behind

I'm at the point where I'm ready to leave the summer behind. This pineapple is ripe. But not too ripe. Perfectly sweet and juicy. This summer has changed alot for me. I've learned so many things like... Don't trust a skinny, "prettty" boy who you stole from your lil sis. Also don't trust lil girls who are addicted to drama. Pastor's sons are not innocent. Lastly... summer love is to never to be carried into the fall... See, I had a summer crush. And he was all about me this summer. But there was an anticlimatic end to our summer... I don't know if it was my fault or our fault or simply his fault. It was just... I don't know. But what I do know is that the last week has been so difficult. Not seeing him. Not being his top priority (under his job of course). I just feel so incomplete without him. I didn't love him. I got used to him. It was like he was my other half. Whenever we went out, we were together. When we were at church, we sat together. The last kiss. The last hug. The last insult... until December. And who knows what will happen in Dec. When I come back he might have a girl or vice versa. Maybe he'll simply be uninterested. That has me thinking about the things he said to me this summer. He told me he could wait for me. He said so many things... So many whisperings in my ear. He had me capped up from the jump. I just want to bury the attachment in a granite grave in the grassy ground to symbolize the mortifying effects of our actions. I want to forget that we ever happened. I just want to set my soul free cuz the binding boundless hell is killing me dearly. This pain soaked captivity is inspiring me to write... (0) Comments

Posted: 8/28/2007 5:08:10 PM

College

So... Everything is going well. Well... I'm not stressin and even if I was, I wouldn't care. I'm going to COLLEGE!! In Cali!! I'm getting away from everything and starting over. I'm estatic! (3) Comments

Posted: 3/29/2007 7:54:17 AM

Good Times...

So I realized that I'm learning a valuable lesson about life. Friends will come and go. And sometimes you just gotta do you. I'm ok wih the fact that my ex bffs don't like me cuz their vision is skewed. It's not fair but I'm cool with it. I'm gonna put them and this all behind me. As long as I'm comfortable doing me then... what else do I need? (2) Comments

Posted: 2/19/2007 5:58:46 PM

Best Friends

The saga continues... Now I'm a traitor cuz I let Kevin come over last night after him n Grier fought. Honestly, they need to get over it. He's my bf and they're my girls. He's not gonna get mad at me cuz I hang out with them. Cuz he understands that there's me and him then there's me and my friends. I keep those separate. But my bff seems to not understand that I'm trying to remain neutral. So I'm not neutral cuz he wanted to come over last night? I'm not neutral cuz I DIDN'T tell him privileged information? I'm not neutral cuz I'm not cursing him out? I encouraged him to talk this out diplomatically with them. I'm trying to get the peace for my own fucking sanity. And this is what I get? Well Fuck them. (0) Comments

Posted: 2/17/2007 7:33:08 PM

*sigh*

Enough is enough... My friends and my bf are feuding. He crossed some major boundaries that he didn't need to cross. He talks so much trash... I don't even know where to begin. All I can say is that I'm tired of drama. Like I had an amazing night and then this bullshit happens. I'm emotionally drained. I'd rather not deal with this. The thing is that I don't understand why Kevin is doing what he's doing. I don't understand why he's stabbing the ppl that were down for him, in the back. Esp over ppl that don't really care about him. I can't... I can't deal anymore. I just wanna not talk to neone. I need something to drown myself in. Something that would take up alla my time... Totally comsume me. Take me away from reality... I need a damn vacation. (0) Comments

Posted: 2/16/2007 10:16:22 PM

Better Dayz

Tanka for the comments... I agree with you Jesse. This is getting out of hand b/c ppl are making bad decisions. And they keep making bad decisions. I don't think my decision at all was selfish. Just trying to correct the mistake I made... On a brighter note, I got into the University of Tampa!! (1) Comments

Posted: 2/9/2007 7:23:44 PM

Life

Why does it seem like this just keeps getting worse and worse... I don't have any words to explain what's going on. I just wanna go in a corner and cry. I'm being penalized cuz of my friends problems. I understand being there to support your friends but damn... Did he have to break up with me? My world is spinning out of control and I can't even catch it. I'm so depressed that nothing can lift me up. I don't even feel like being bothered with anything or anyone. I just need someone to be there for me right now. But then I'm being selfish cuz I want my relationship to work. I'm selfish because I'm trying to take myself and my bf out of the center of this chaos. What did I do wrong? I didn't do anything wrong but want to be happy. And I'm selfish. (2) Comments

Posted: 2/8/2007 3:13:27 PM

Today...

Well this morning I found out that someone close to alot of my friends committed suicide. He shot himself. He was really close to Kevin... So Kevin is very sad. I really wish I could make him feel better. Ga. I need to get outta here... Hannibal Rising Ghost Rider there are others... (0) Comments

Posted: 1/22/2007 6:41:13 PM

Update

It's been a while... Everything is going great...! (0) Comments

Posted: 1/7/2007 9:00:29 PM

♥ LoveStruck

All smiles here baby... Soooo Thomas is back on a home visit. I thought he was gassin me but he's not. Glen Mills def worked out for him. He's cleaned up. I noticed that when I interacted with him. He used to be hecka hype and everything, but he was rather calm. We took a short walk while I explained to him part of the reason why me and Kev don't talk anymore. I needed to be held today and I forgot how perfectly I fit into his arms... GA! I'm starting to get all sappy and romantic again. This is how I used to be. Damn I miss that feeling. When I just so happened to run into him again (while being tipsy), I was llike 'Damn, I see you again. You're everywhere' He was like 'yeah... I'm like air baby.' I nodded and was like 'shit, that's good for me cuz I get to see you.' Of course I got a lil smile cuz of that. He liked that. So we were all cuddly and his fake lil sister was blockin. When we were standing opposite each other, he walked over near me and grabbed my jacket pocket and kissed my neck! It was soooo cute and he was bout to start something that we didn't have time to finish. But yeah... I wanna chill with him alone tomorrow for a lil bit cuz im not gonna see him for a month. (0) Comments

Posted: 11/24/2006 8:36:13 PM

Old News

So... Happy Thanksgiving! I went to my cousin's house and one of my cousins who's like 30 told me that Thomas is back home. His mom lives around the corner from her. And I was like oh really (not like I didn't know. I just haven't talked to him yet...)She was telling me that his baby is due soon and this that and the third. She said that they're not sure if it's his. Sooooooo! Yeah... I'm going to my grandma's house tomorrow afternoon, so I'll be able to see him. I'm not getting dressed up tho. Esp since I have a new crush. The food at my cousin's place was delicious. I'm a lil tipsy right now. I think I wanna call Thomas but I'm not sure. I'll just wait til tomorrow. I don't want to interfere on his family time since he hasn't been home since Sept. Anyways... mucho amor ♥ (0) Comments

Posted: 11/23/2006 6:23:15 PM

Stepping on toes

So... I can't really say what I want b/c I'm not sure if this would be a safe location to reveal such privileged information. I just... iunno. But I did feel compelled to write an entry. Does compelled have two 'l's? Is it compelled or compeled? (0) Comments

Posted: 11/14/2006 7:40:14 PM

Yay!

Kev visited my school this morning. My friends say that he came to see me. Being the modest person I am, I was just like 'hmmmm whatev.' I kindda think he was was tryin to surprise me because my friend Omari showed me this text that Kev sent asking for Mari to sign him in. So I asked Kev if he was tryna come up here and he said nah. I was like aight... then I told him that Omari is drawln and he asked me why. I just said cuz he won't sign you in. And he said nothing back. But cheaaaaa he was up there. The free we spent together was cool. I liked it. But when I came back from PE Jess was sittin next to him. Like I don't really mind but I did want to sit with him esp since I didn't really get to spend that much time with him. BRB. eating. (0) Comments

Posted: 11/1/2006 5:24:47 PM

A Sudden Change of Heart ♥

I like Kevin... lol. I actually really do. It's funny how I didn't like him all like that before and now I'm 'sprung'. Tuesday he told me that he quit (talking to me). That move opened up another side. The side that he wanted to get to, he finally got to... Big hearts!! He came over yesterday night and he's supposed to come over tonight. I hope he does. I'm soooo happy right now. Like he made me so mad Tuesday thru Friday. And Friday night he just made everything right... YAY!!! (0) Comments

Posted: 10/28/2006 10:36:57 PM

My Love

"My Love" (feat. T.I.) Ain't another woman that can take your spot my- If I wrote you a symphony, Just to say how much you mean to me (what would you do?) If I told you you were beautiful Would you date me on the regular (tell me, would you?) Well, baby I've been around the world But I ain't seen myself another girl (like you) This ring here represents my heart But there's just one thing I need from you (say "I do") [Chorus:] Yeah, because I can see us holding hands Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand I can see us on the countryside Sitting on the grass, laying side by side You could be my baby, let me make you my lady Girl, you amaze me Ain't gotta do nothing crazy See, all I want you to do is be my love (So don't give away) My love (So don't give away) My love (So don't give away) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love (So don't give away) My love (So don't give away) My love (So don't give away) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love Ooooh, girl My love My love Now, if I wrote you a love note And made you smile with every word I wrote (what would you do?) Would that make you want to change your scene And wanna be the one on my team (tell me, would you?) See, what's the point of waiting anymore? Cause girl I've never been more sure (that baby, it's you) This ring here represents my heart And everything that you've been waiting for (just say "I do") [Chorus:] Yeah, because I can see us holding hands Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand I can see us on the countryside Sitting on the grass, laying side by side You could be my baby, let me make you my lady Girl, you amaze me Ain't gotta do nothing crazy See, all I want you to do is be my love (So don't give away) My love (So don't give away) My love (So don't give away) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love (So don't give away) My love (So don't give away) My love (So don't give away) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love Ooooh, girl My love My love [T.I.'s rap:] Shorty, cool as a fan On the new once again But, still has fan from Peru to Japan Listen baby, I don't wanna ruin your plan If you got a man, try to lose him if you can Cause the girls world wild through their hands up high When they wanna come kick it wit a stand up guy (Trust me) You don't really wanna let the chance go by 'cause you ain't been seen wit a man so fly Baby friends so fly i can go fly Private, cause I handle mine T.I. they call me candle guy, simply because I am on fire I hate to have to cancel my vacation so you can't deny I'm patient, but I ain't gonna try You don't come, I ain't gonna die Hold up, what you mean, you can't go why? Me and you boyfriend we ain't no tie You say you wanna kick it when I ain't so high Well, baby it's obvious that I ain't your guy Ain't gon' lie, I feel your space But forget your face, I swear I will St. Barths, same bullet, anywhere I chill Just bring wit me a pair, I will [Chorus:] I can see us holding hands Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand I can see us on the countryside Sitting on the grass, laying side by side You could be my baby, let me make you my lady Girl, you amaze me Ain't gotta do nothing crazy See, all I want you to do is be my love (Love) My love (Love) My love (Love) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love (Love) My love (Love) My love (Love) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love Ooooh, girl My love My love Damn I love that song... Thomas is talkin bout how he wants to get an apt as soon as he gets back and alla this other stuff and I'm kinda excited. I'll be able to chill with him.. Maybe even spend the night :-) Other than that, I'm still really excited to see him. DAMMIT I GOTTA WAIT A MONTH... I want him NOW (0) Comments

Posted: 10/21/2006 5:38:17 PM

Old Friends

My my my... Facebook is one hell of a site. I found people I went to school with back in the day. I couldn't find my Young Scholars peeps, but I found some of my Lotus Friends. From looking at their pictures and everything, I'm just like wow... it's been so long since I've seen them. It's funny how this one kid Spencer used to be soooo ugly to me but looking at his pictures he looks cute but also ugly. I see him in 6th grade in what he looks like now. I wonder what they say about me? (0) Comments

Posted: 10/19/2006 6:57:38 PM

Movies

Movies I want to see with my baby! Well not yet. I guess my soon to be baby... When he comes back: The Departed Marie Antoinette Running with Sciccors Saw 3 Casino Royale Spider Man 3 The Prestige (possibly)WOW I'm watching the commercial for this right now! Does anyone know of anymore movies? Thrillers/Suspense, or those 'intellectual' movies. (1) Comments

Posted: 10/18/2006 5:45:21 PM

he he he (laughter)

Mrs. Rainbow 76, you crack me up. lol. I laughed just now. I mean it was a... relief laugh. I feel happy! (0) Comments

Posted: 10/16/2006 8:32:21 PM

♥

I love you guys!!! Soooooo what's the worst that can happen? Well... one of my friends at church (he's a really good friend) tried to pressure me into doing some 'things' with him around May. So I gave it time to blow over and today we hung out in this lil room we used to always hang out in. We were talkin and everything was chill. AND THEN... he asked me to come over to him and I refused until he told me why. He said he wanted a hug so i gave him a hug and he wouldn't let me go until I started to push out of the hug (I'm strong like that!). then he asks me to come back over to him and I refused esp when he told me that he wanted a KISS! My kisses are special and he's not special enough to have one. Now what should I do? i wanted to lie to him and say that I have a boyfriend (which if he asked, I'd say Kev was my bf), but this guy is husky. He could snap Kev in half. Shunning him doesn't work cuz I shunned him for like 4 almost 5 months and he's still there. WHAT DO I DO!!!!!! (0) Comments

Posted: 10/15/2006 1:54:37 PM

SATs

i took them and I think I actually did well! YAY! And that bum stood me up to hang out with 'our' friend Grier who was really my friend first. But anyways i went to the Field Hockey, Boys n Girls soccer games. So i'm happy. I was there with my friends. So what's the worst that can happen? (1) Comments

Posted: 10/15/2006 7:44:42 AM

Tomorrow

I HAVE SATs TOMORROW GUYS!!! :-( It would be nice to have a guy to come home to after that long test. It saddens me that the best I can do is... kev... God shoot me. (0) Comments

Posted: 10/13/2006 9:02:54 PM

Minute

My mom bought a massaging seat. I'm sitting in it now and it feels sooooo goooood! i'm thinking that if I sit here for 15-30 minutes a day, life won't be that bad. It kinda helps me to release my troubles. I can let go of the SAT corrections that I need to have turned in by 11:59 tonight. I can forget about the softball trip to florida, the ABC scholars, and the college process. I can forget about my friends and their problems. I simply close my eyes and go to a nice place. I've finally reached the level where I can daydream/meditate. When I meditate, my mind goes to my house on the beach and there I can be me. I can do whatever I please. And most of all... ... I don't need anyone but me (1) Comments

Posted: 10/11/2006 5:56:27 PM

Returning

Hola Newblog! I just got back into town. Cali was fun. Lots of fun. I got a chance to relax and visit a few colleges. the wholepoint was for me to get away from life. I shoulda left my phone at home in that case. lol. But I feel... relieved. I got a chance to breathe and think. I can accept the fact that not everything is meant to be ya know? The hardest heartbreak has already passed. You can't break someone's heart when it isn't even whole to start with (K. Clarkson). The thing is that, I miss my buddy. I came home from school today and was like HMMMM no thoughts of her. But... She was my best friend. I think I blew her off b/c I was really not trying to deal with the situation at that present moment. I was in Cali enjoying my break. The point was to get away from drama. Not get bogged down in it. I think I took out my frustrations thru words n ish. Honestly I wanna b her friend. I'm ready. But maybe... Maybe I'm too late. I hope not. So... I apologize for being cold hearted and insincere. (0) Comments

Posted: 10/10/2006 10:06:33 PM

Withdrawal

I guess I'll be going back to my xanga now. Possibly update this every now and then. But I guess things might get a little awkward. I'm going thru some stuff and if I put it out there, then it'll conflict with someone else's vision or whatev. All I know is that I lost a good friend. Why? Cuz I allegedly didn't care. Cuz I was tryna make her into what I wanted her to be. Not because I was trying keep her from going down a path that iun think she'd wanna go down. But I can accept that she wants to go down this path. Experience is the cruelest (sp) teacher, but it's the best. She insulted me to the point of... I don't even know. I was hurt yesterday but today is worse. You can attack my personality all you want but DO NOT attack my financial situation. Ok, so I live in a two parent home and they're upper middle class. So what if I go to a private school. I can't help that. My parents work. My parents decided that I would go to a private school. If I would have had my way I would have been at public school with alla my friends. That is why I'm insulted. But ya know what? Her friendship means more to me than anything else. Even tho she basically spat in my face, I'm still gonna try cuz she needs someone to be there for her. Me and Justin. Justin is someone I brought into this. He's her friend that she introduced to me. But shes giving him the same crap about him not understanding her. We can't understand cuz she dun try to help us to understand. But I know that some people are not that eager to open up and be vulnerable. I will be the best friend that girl has ever seen. even she has to block me to get away from me. CUZ I CARE! On the finer side of things... I wrote my ex a letter and he wrote me back saying that he never stopped loving me and all this other stuff. He wants for me to be his girl. this is my ex ex. I wanna say yes cuz I wanna give him a chance. I believe in him... But there's the guy I'm talking to now. I can't just drop him even tho he doesn't interest me as much as my ex... I dunno what to do... (1) Comments

Posted: 10/3/2006 6:55:27 PM

BFF - Best Friends Forever

My best friend apparently hates me for no reason now... The only reason why she's still friends with me is cuz of some guy... That hurts. I'm hurt. My eyes are burning cuz of the tears that are building up in my eyes. Now she's claiming that I'm using her... HOW? I've never been so hurt. Someone that I let in hurt me. My fucking friend hurt me. That's such bull. I just wanna be alone now... I just wanna ball up in a corner and die. I can't wait to leave... I need this vacation. (1) Comments

Posted: 10/2/2006 6:25:26 PM

Him...

I think Im finna delete my other 2 entries. They're irksome. Moving on... I got a chance to communicate with my late ex. I went to that peaceful place within and realized that he never left me. Maybe that'll open up wounds I thought had healed but I guess I'm willing to take that risk. he told him that he's always watching over me and he'll always protect me cuz he promised that he'd do so. The last words he said before I love you always were: "I'll be back for you." Now as I think about him and our memories I don't see his face. I see lips. It's like an old photograph with the corner burned. There is blackness... but there is something comforting about that darkness. I haven't felt this contented/tranquilized in a while. My insides are about to burst because everything is finally in alignment. No longer is everything is complete disarray. They're moving into the linear function soaring to positive inifinity and beyond. My inspiration to write has finally come back causing tears to form to fall from my eyes. Dripping rolling down my cheeks as words finally make sense. Life finally makes sense. Love finally makes sense. The aesthic aura more radiant than ever before. Brilliantly shining. Ardently burning lasting longer than the sun star. I am in him and he is in me. As long as one of us lives, we both live. Our love has never, will never, never die. V. (1) Comments

Posted: 9/30/2006 9:12:46 PM

My Addiction?

Granted having a guy is addictive. But will I become one of those crazy clingy girls that I despise? After being in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years, I'm just like AH! I got to hang out with Kev yday. I forgot if I wrote my last entry yday but nevertheless, I hung out with him yday and it was cool. I def had fun. Iun think I could be clingy with him. But I remember telling him that have no standards anymore. That l-d relationship tore down my standards and never put new ones back cuz I didn't think I would need new ones. So now I'm trying to reconstruct my standards. I feel like I'm over complicating a thought that is very simple. I'm kinda at the point where iunno what the hell I'm doing. But what I do know is that I'm going to cali for a lil bit to clear my mind before I dive into college apps. I'll prob write in here before I go. But yeah. Have a good night! (0) Comments

Posted: 9/28/2006 9:13:54 PM

Tired

I'm sleepy as iunno what. I can feel my eyes slowly crawling from under my eyelids. They pop from underneath the excess skin that holds and protects them, when my phone vibrates. They glide back into their natural place as if nothing ever happened. I'm done. I was just being crazy and writing about... iunno. Kev and I are 'special' friends again. I got a number. I wanted to call but decided not to. Come to find out that the guy is Kev's friend. The bough told me that he didnt live round here but Kev said he's lying. So I'm just like I'll call the bough tomorrow night. I found out that my ex is going to a disciplinary boarding school. BTW I need to drop my letter off in the mailbox. I saw this guy that I had the hugest crush on... HE REMEMBERED MY NAME!! lol. But yeah he is soooo fine. I was just lookin at him like damn. damn. damn. lol. I kinda like Justin. He's so effing cool. I think that's it for now. This entry might make me seem boy crazy but I'm really not. I'm just expressing myself. I was dealing with this issue earlier in the week. My issue was that I didn't know how to deal with my anger. I realized that my anger was really frustration from not having a guy. Now that I have someone I feel a lil better. (0) Comments

Posted: 9/27/2006 8:52:49 PM

Poetic License

I do have one of those by the way. I haven't felt very motivated to write recently and that bothers me greatly. I kinda feel like I don't have anything to write about. Before I wrote about love which I'm not experiencing right now. I used to write about racial stuff. I'm still black but I can't write about it. Nothing else to write at the moment. Usually music inspires something but it hasn't. the closest thing to inspiration is 'My Love' by Justin Timberlake. It inspires me to daydream but I haven't been able to or felt comfortable enough to convert my dreams into writing. I feel like by doing that, an essential element is lost. This is why I wish I would have continued with art class. Then maybe I could adequately draw my mind. I did mean draw my mind. There are so many aspects/facets of my mind that it would be impossible to draw them all. I feel like I'm ready to explore my creativity again but I have no lead in. Maybe this is the way I can truly lean how to write how I feel: when I have no feelings at all. (0) Comments

Posted: 9/23/2006 9:37:36 PM