lyricalmystique

You gotta smile

posted on 5/5/2008 6:42:47 PM in Learning: (1) Comments

There are days in this life where you just have to smile. There may not be anything worth smiling about, but you have to do just that. I have been going through a whirl wind of experiences in the past few weeks (thanks to my nb friends who checked on me) but, I wanted to give up. I felt no need to progress any further in this life, and then my stylist told me I am having stress related balding. Well, ia m WAY too young to be going bald and having to wear a wig, and so I am at a cross road. I can be sad and depressed and wonder why I keep waking up each day, or I can fight through and persevere. And so, i am electing to persevere. I am choosing life, and life more abundantly. I want to be happy again. I remember the time when I was so happy, and I am attempting to reclaim those days past. I am living for myself and my daughter. I am claiming joy in my future. I am choosing life. So even when I feel down in the dumps and reguardless as to how hard it is to pull myself up from the hole that I have been wallowing in, I SMILE. I smile for the memories that I shared with my uncle, I smile for the memories that I am going to create with my existing family and the few true friends that God has blessed me with, I smile for my life! I choose on this day to live not just to exist, but to try my very hardest to live. I hope that anyone reading this will smile for their life, and choose to live!

Suicidal

posted on 4/25/2008 4:51:45 PM in (2) Comments

I am just not myself these days. I am somewhere between suicidal and homicidal (figuratively homicidal) but truthfully I do feel like dying. I can't win at this game of life. I am a loser consistently. I can't get out of this hole. Maybe I am not coping with death well, or may be I am just truly losing. I feel crazy as hell!!! The car wreck, my uncle's death, not knowing how I feel about anything. I am alone and depressed and falling to pieces! i need help and want help, but I have nowhere to turn.

Tears and fears

posted on 4/17/2008 10:58:59 PM in (2) Comments

I was bracing myself, but the shock was more than I could initially stand, my uncle passed away. I don't know if I am pissed or sad, or what, I feel so selfish for my grief overwhelming me......... Oh and icing on the cake, I wrecked my car, I must have been Hitler in my former life because for me, when it rains it pours!!! I have wonderful memories of my uncle and I treasure each one greatly. Life has to proceed, but must it be so hard???

When....... Life Simply Must Get Better

posted on 4/14/2008 10:03:06 PM in (2) Comments

I just found out that one of my favorite uncles had a stroke today, ironically enough I have been suffering from the migraine from hell today. I literally have had to force down vomit. I am so wierd, when someone I am close to is in turmoil I get sick, granted most of the time I can't make it all correlate. My uncle and I had not been very close until last year when I moved to Wisconsin, he was my closest relative and he really made me feel comfortable with him. I simply fell in love. He was just like a father, he chastised me when I was wrong, praised me when I was right, and walked me to and through my tough times. I would sit and just talk to him, he was so honest and straight. I am fighting myself to stop speaking like he has past and pray for a full recovery, but I am so shaken. His wife once told me that having me and my daughter around seemed to give him a new breath of life, because we made him get out and spend time with us, I hate that I moved. I wish I had stayed, if only to see him feeling better. I was torn, I love the hell out of my uncle, but my father was sick as well, and the sheer terror of not being able to be by my father side was too much for me. My uncle was my daddy whe I lived up north, he was my security but my real dad is just that he is my real dad he has always been the number one man in my life. I wish I could have it all. I wish I could be here and in Chicago all at once. I have to dig up some stregnth and pray that God works a miracle. GOD PLEASE WORK A MIRACLE. I want and need both of my daddies. My baby loves my uncle, in fact aside from my dad he was the only man that I trusted to be careful and kind and attentive, yet firm with her. He has to pull through, we have too many more memories to make!!! I just had to vent that. Goodnight.

Never Never Land Next Door to Peter Pan

posted on 4/5/2008 10:48:33 PM in (0) Comments

I have decided that relationships are so dramatic because we all live in Never Never Land. See, I have been sitting here scratching my head asking what is my main problem? I often sell myself short and accept less than I deserve, all in the name of love. Unlike a vast majority of women I can say that I have lived the life of a whore off and on for some time, and in those instances I knew I wasn't going to fall in love or build a life with anyone, but I tried to open my heart and love someone, and institute fidelity, but all that happened was that my heart got broken. I tried, I tried hard to love, but love often illudes me. So where is it........ is it available to all or some? I want to feel that warmth that comes from knowing that someones cares for you and has your best interest at heart and loves you. I wish and pray and long for the day when the right man will look into my eyes and loves me flaws and all. But, we, not excluding myself, all want to live in Never Never Land and not grow up. We want what we want when we want it, just like children. We live next door to Peter Pan, we are the Lost Boys. I for one am terminating my Never Never Land lease, I want to grow up and fll in love with a man who has terminated his Never Never Land lease and is ready to love me fully. I am a mother and I want to have a family for my daughter. I want to grow up.

Am I making the right choices????

posted on 3/27/2008 6:16:18 PM in Learning: (0) Comments

My daughter cried like she was being abandoned when I dropped her off with her graandparents today. I am a wreck! I want her to bond and her grandmother wants to have my baby love her the same way she loves my parents, but that just isn't going to happen. My baby's dad decided that she did not need to be part of their life and the only reason that they know her now is becasue I broke my trust with him and told (indirectly) his parents about my daughter (I sent them a card)and so basically I asked for the relationship. So I just pray that I am making the right choice!!! I love my daughter and I only want her to be happy. I even went as far as to attempt to make ammends with her dad (who I despise!!) I sent him and apology letter stating that perhaps I was wrong for dabbling in his life. So Am I making the right choices??????? Oh I gave in and forgave space guy......... I really am doubting my decisions these days!!!!

When Will I Win?

posted on 3/26/2008 11:51:04 AM in Losing Faith in Love: (0) Comments

He's back. The guy who "needed space" is back, and this time he "loves" me. I have become such a critic until I just don't believe it anymore. I used to, but now I have trouble even beginning to allow myself the pleasure of being naive and "in love". i am sure that this will set me up for a lifetime of lonliness, but at this point I don't care. I am not in a position to open my heart to people. I have to admit that I am dealing with a few men at the moment, mostly becasue I lack the ability to solely focus on one because they all have major issues. One is getting married in a few months and yet he wants to have fidelity from me (not happening) but he is humorous and I keep him around for the occasional joke, the one who loves me still financially supports the mother of his child (I am not feeling that bull at all)she needs to get off of her ass and onto her feet but if I tell him that he gets upset, then another one wants me when and only when it is convienient for him (LMAO, like I have time for that). So I have these fragments that I play with because together they make a good guy. Thet each have what the other is missing. I am beginning to believe that I will either play with them until they are all married and then I will go off on my own or I will end up stuck in a partial relationship with someone. I want to believe in love and a few years ago it was a lovely notion, but now it is just something that I can't give the work to. Will I win...........at this moment I doubt it.

WTF!!!!

posted on 3/7/2008 8:44:00 PM in (0) Comments

When do people just mind their own danm business. I work at what must be the most ass backwards place. The children are acting like adults and the adults are acting like fu**ing children. It is too much. I got into this profession because it felt right but it seems to get worse and worse by the day. I am longing for May when I can sever all ties with this institution and move on with life.

Space is Truly the Final Frontier

posted on 3/1/2008 8:25:35 AM in Losing Faith in Love: (0) Comments

Having had more sleepless nights than I can stomach, I have realized that I am controlled by my emotions. Space was just the beginning of the end, sadly enough I already knew this. Part of me feels destined to live this life alone and that makes my very soul shake. I don't want to be alone. Guys just simply confuse me. I have been told that I am everything that a man looks for and yet I will never be happy. They get married or engaged to another person and tell me that I am what they want but that she has been around or she has their child (this one I ahve been told several times, even by the father of my own child who went back to the mother of his other children) and so I scream at the top of my lungs "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!!!" I am so frustrated. Oh and the current situation just gets better along with space comes that fact that he has moved his ex girlfriend back into his home (she does have his child) so here I go again on my own.

Space

posted on 2/26/2008 7:56:35 PM in Losing Faith in Love: (4) Comments

Space is the enemy of love. "I need my space" is simply a polite way to say it is over. He tells me that he is so caught up in me. I am everything to him, he cares so much, and then he says that he needs his space. Life is too tricky. I have been told by the older more seasoned single people that I can not give up on love, I need to get back out there, I need to keep smiling and making myself available. To all of those things I have one simple reply......"Why?". My greatest love treated me like a two bit whore and left me. I have gone through a string of miscellaneous people and then I meet him. I am no longer looking and I meet him, he seems perfect and now after two months he is in need of space...... I now concede defeat.

WOW!!

posted on 1/26/2008 11:45:52 PM in (1) Comments

I think I may have bumped into "the one". His Smile, his eyes, his personality, they are all so close to perfection. He is respectful and gentle, he is an all around gentleman. I thought those died with the dinosaurs. He holds a wonderful conversation, he actually listens to my answers, and he cares more about me and my mind and my thoughts and my feelings than my body! I can't stop gushing!!I had to share it with someone. I feel like a high schooler again. Late night conversations, smiles and hugs, but not too much as to cross the decency line. I was so starved for this kind of person. It's like water in the desert.

Lesson Learned

posted on 1/22/2008 7:04:17 PM in Learning: (0) Comments

Life, it appears to be a series of ups and downs. It is lessons that follow and haunt you. Some of us elect to learn from them, I am doing my best to do so. I have had the most painful experience ever whe it comes to my daughters dad. He made me feel things that I pray I will never feel again. I am trying to grow beyond the pain that I felt with him. With that being said I took a little time and just chilled and I have done a little dating back and forth. I have made a mistake or two here and there but I have weathered the storm. Now I think that I am ready. I think that I am ready to embrace one person in my life. More importantly I am ready to be embraced by one person. Not someone in a relationship not one who can not commit or one who has no idea as to what he wants, but someone who wants me for me.

What Color Rose are you?

posted on 12/17/2007 4:21:04 PM in (0) Comments

You are a Lavender Rose

You represent love at first sight and enchantment.

Your vibe: intense and intriguing

Falling in love with you is: deep and meaningful

Favorite Color

posted on 12/17/2007 4:18:22 PM in (1) Comments

What Your Favorite Color Blue Says About You:

Emotional --- Affected --- Sensitive
Peaceful --- Tranquil --- Connected
Spiritual --- Experimental --- Deep

Tears: Purifying the Soul

posted on 12/16/2007 8:28:28 PM in (1) Comments

Today I have been in reflection. I have taken a moment to evaluate if I am where I want to be, or am I just drifiting through this life in an aimless motion. Truthfully I am not sure. I had to take a moment and allow the tears to flow. I needed the purity. I needed to allow my soul a chance to feel new. I carry the weight of so many decisions that may not have been the best for me, and I just had to release the pain affiliated with so much of it. I wanted to smile, but my heart ached in a way that I simply could not explain.

When did being an asshole become acceptable?

posted on 12/4/2007 10:30:28 PM in Men??: (3) Comments

Okay so anyone who has ever accidentally read this blog is aware of the fact that I am single. I have gone through all of the "single phases". I have been single and lovin it as well as single and hatin it. I just want to know why do men assume that it is alrigt for them to be complete assholes? I have been through so much nonsense and I have realized that men are either brazen and bold or they are unbelievable assholes. I have been asked for sex by men who barely know me and God forbid they think that we have met before because they want sex ASAP! I am sick of it. My child's father is such an asshole until he finds it acceptable to berrate me for allowing my daughter to bond with his family. He even went so far as to move to another freaking state!! Assholes I cry!!! And I apologize for the incomplete blog, I was tired and needed to log off.

Love is Pain

posted on 11/29/2007 10:54:58 PM in Losing Faith in Love: (0) Comments

Love is pain in all of it's glory. It hurts. It is a pain that superceedes time, rhyme, or reason. I know in my heart that I don't love him anymore, but lonliness will cause you to question yourself and all of your thoughts. The pain that he caused me can be compared to absolutely none, and yet I wonder if my heart will ever open itself in that manner again. It was that love that was boundless. It was pure and inncoent like a virgin. I knew that my heart had never been in that land in which it was dwelling before, and sadly enough it may never dweel in that land again. The pain is simply too much. Simply more than we are able as humans to stand. Love is pain.

What is this?

posted on 11/29/2007 10:48:11 PM in Learning: (0) Comments

So many changes and so little desire or time to discuss them all. I have become the one thing in life that I never once assumed that I would. I am now a 6th grade teacher. Oddly enough I love it. Tomorrow I ahve a parent teacher conference. thsi will be my second, and oddly enough I am ill at ease to put it lightly. Let me go back and mention that I work in an "at risk" middle school in a "low income" neighborhood. My childern come from all walks of life and I often have lots of problems from them. This child is one of the grossly complex ones. I am so frustrated with him, and I do not know if Iam comin or going on the average day when it comes to this child. I want to reach my children and give them more to excel towards but they seem to only respond to violence and anger and disrespect. Is this how we raise our children. Do we leave a complete void when it comes to how to love and respect and function in society? I have a child and I sincerely pray that I am not projecting that same anger and image into my own child. I want her to be confident and intelligent but more than anything I want her to know her worth and not be misled to believe that she must be spoken down to. I don't want her to become the childern that I am attempting to reprogram. I am so so so frustrated.

Life can be a real B*&%$

posted on 10/28/2007 8:24:25 PM in Learning: (0) Comments

I have spent the past year living at home and it seems futile to say that I am displeased with myself. But, I am making great strides and preparing to do something that I never in life envisioned myself doing, I am starting my new career path as a middle school teacher. I know, I was surprised at the change as well, but life is based on growing and changing. I am excited and nervous at the same time. Prayerfully I will be the right woman for the job. It is an "at risk" middle school, but I think these kids just need to feel like someone cares. I have been getting so much help from my daughter's father's family. His mom and sister have been so kind to me and my daughter. I would have never imagined that they would be the ones to reach out to me and try and help me. I guess yopu never know what doors are going to open for you. I managed to have a short conversation with my daughter's father and we kept it relatively civil. I am realizing that he was not the right man for me, and I am accepting that. I am trying to open myself to new people and move on with my life. I still have so much living to do (prayerfully)

Can Friends Become Lover and Lovers Become More?

posted on 10/10/2007 10:18:17 PM in (0) Comments

For some time now I have been having this VERY casual realtionship with a friend of mine from my college days. I've blogged about him before, but anywho, we have been friends for years and lovers for almost 1 year. He is a cool guy and I enjoy his friendship and company. We have been friends for so long until there are few secrets or lies between us. I recently found out through our friendship grapevine that it may be slightly less casual than I assume. Apparently he has been expressing feelings to a mutual friend of ours that he will not express to me. It doesn't upset me but rather it confuses me. We are cool and have been for almost 10 years, I would think he would be up front with me. I love his company and I love him as a friend but I am not sure if I want to jeopardize 10 years and it all go up in smoke. Granted it could be a raging success but I am mildly cynical when it comes to relationships so I don't want to lose my buddy. Things are so perfectly casual and uncomplicated, I am afraid to rock the boat.

Busted

posted on 10/9/2007 9:04:10 PM in (0) Comments

Last night I talked to my cousin, and she made me come to reckon with me feelings for my daughter's father. The truth of the matter is that I surpress all of the emotions that are attatched to him. Publically I am not allowed to acknowledge that I miss him, or what we once had. I used to love him, not like him, LOVE him. I saw my future with him, and when he walked away he took my future with him and left me standing there in the cold feeling like and asshole. So yes yes yes yes I do love him, I gave him the fullness of me, but no no no no I no longer want to be with him, it is just hard to begin again. So so so so hard to begin again.

Are We Dying to Live of Living to Die?

posted on 10/6/2007 2:11:07 AM in Learning: (1) Comments

In the past few weeks I have expereinced so many changes until a weaker person would have thrown the towel in. Though I waver in my ability to cope with it all, I still try daily to mange things. I have lost a financially sound job, moved back to never never land with my family and began a relationship with my child's paternal grandparents. Ice this over with having spent my savings on what is becoming the nightmare car and I am living in hell on earth. I am fighting to maintain my peace of mind, but it gets harder and harder daily. Some days I want to crawl into a hole and cry my eyes out, others I am managing well. Today is a low one......... A VERY LOW ONE!! I just plunked my savings on a car that I am hard pressed not to call a lemon and I am praying that I don't kill the guy who sold it to me. I have taken my child for her first overnight stay with her biological father's parents. Though he is adamant about having nothing to do with her I still allow his parents to have a relationship with her. It is singlehandedly the hardest and possibly most mature thing that I have done thus far, aside from the initial decision to keep my daughter. I want to enjoy her bonding with her grandparents but it just seems to leave me uncomfortable. I have been unable to find peace since I dropped her off, God please tell me that I am doing the right thing!!

Intense Longing

posted on 9/14/2007 10:02:31 PM in (1) Comments

I hate to admit how the worst part of me has this deep longing to have real love in my life. Not that pseudo love but that love that makes you feel complete like nothing can harm you. I have been single for a while and I have been trying to learn to love being with myself but I miss that oneness that love brings. I reflect on my past mistakes and I see where giving into this longing has lead me so drastically wrong and so I have to take two steps back and ask myself "What is it that I feel like I am missing?" Today I hit an all time low, I put on one of my cute outfits in the hopes that I could draw some attention even if it is from the wrong guy. I had a brief encounter with a gut tonight that makes me question all of my dating morals (attribute this to my longing) he is a friend of one of the guys whom I have blogged about before and I make it a habit to never pursue or allow myself to be pursued by friends but when I saw his soft brown eyes and warm sun kissed chocolate skin I just froze momentarily. He looked so sexy in his business attire and his lips just screamed for me to kiss them. Thankfully I have restraint and I was able to be very composed in his presence, but he made me want to be "girly and flirty". Sadly enough he is very much so off limits. I have bedded his friend (GOD WHY!!) and I can not bed him (AGAIN GOD WHY???). I have my limits. I don't want guys to be able to compare notes on me. So anyway it brings me back to my longing. I have a very close friend of mine that I love dearly and I wish that I could be with but he is with his son's mother and I have all of the respect in the world for that. I still care deeply for my child's father but we will never be, he does not and truthfully he never really did, and the guy that I was seeing in this town makes me want to vomit, I try to have a physical relationship but even that will not work, he simply makes my stomach knot up at the thought of being with or around him, and it is his friend with whom I am so taken. I truly think that it is the lonliness speaking through me. I miss the deep intense kisses and the long embraces. The deep and strong hugs and the warm look of love in someones eyes. What do I do? I am tired of just going through the motions and hoping that my true love will one day fall into my lap, that is delusional for me to think like that. I miss love, I long for love, I want love. Real, true, no holds barred, all out in the open, God sent, heart felt, intense, passionate, love. My deepest fear is that it will never happen.

Wedding Belles and Southern Blues

posted on 9/12/2007 9:43:27 AM in (1) Comments

My younger cousin just recently let us know that she is getting married. I was caught mildly off guard but with all that she has gone through I am happy to see that she has managed to find someone who can love her for who she is inside. Last year she lost her sister to a car accident and the driver of the vehicle was her ex boyfriend. So she has been blaming herself for her sisters death and I am surprised that she was willing to let someone into her personal space. I have other cousins who doubt her sincerity in this marriage and based on her track record I was a naysayer as well but I have decided not to be a cynic but rather to assume that this is the best situation for her. So with all of this going on I get to see my cousins show themselves again as selfish and self indulged again. I will be honest, I have my self indulgent moments but I wonder if we have the ability to be happy for one another honestly or are we just putting on faces for one another? So I ask myself (self indulgent moment in 5...4....3...2...1) when will I find true love or even better will I ever find true love? I spent so much time wanting to be with my childs father and trying to fix my broken heart insted of allowing it to heal, and now I wonder have I let all of the good ones go? I don't speak to my daughter's father anymore and for me that still comes with a little pain because I used to rely on him to be there for me when I was lonley. I was a fool to believe that I could change him, he told me many moons ago that he was not able to commit and ideally he would live in his situation forever (having 2 girlfriends, his words not mine). I don't know if I though love could overcome such an obstacle or if I was simply so happy to have someone say that they were in love with me until I iwas willing to accept anything. Whatever the case I am now no longer accepting his scraps and attempting to move on but the future is looking awfully bleek. Well que' cera cera.

WTF!!!

posted on 9/5/2007 6:13:53 PM in (0) Comments

Fucking DUI!! This sory son of a bitch got away with murdering my cousin! He got a fucking DUI instead of vehicular manslaughter!!! What is the justice system for? Why in the hell does it even exist? It's bullshit, pure and simple bullshit!! Justice isn't for JUST US!! Justice is for the well off! I am so pissed and so out done. My cousin get killed one day after turning 20 by a guy who was supposedly a "family friend". He picks her up after she left cheerleader or soccer practice (I can't remember which one) and he is drunk and hits a pole and throws my cousin from the car then just to add icing to the cake he runs like bitch he is and then when reached he lies to the police. I wish I would have just killed that bitch myself! I have hated him for years because he used to date er older sister and used to treat her awfully, I should have killed him!! He gets a slap on the wrist for killing my cousin, a fucking DUI!! What is that??!! What is a DUI for her life???!!! I am a trying to forgive I swear that I am but this just taked the cake this makes it hard to forgive someone. He should have been man enough to admit to his fault!! Did I mention he is 30 freaking years old and still in college!! What is life worth to the justice system???!!! So for a lack of a better word "WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

What is a year?

posted on 9/5/2007 9:23:59 AM in Learning: (1) Comments

One day ago last year I packed up all of my little belongings and moved to Wisconsin and then on this day last year I lost a younger cousin of mine to a car accident. And here I am 365 days later and I still feel like an alien in Wisconsin and I feel no more sense or closure concerning my cousin. I guess life is funny that way. I am trying to become a more well rounded person not only mentally but physically. I am struggling with work and attempting to build my faith and my patience but neither seems to be working. So what is a year other than 365 days of repitition?

I fell in love with the Ice King

posted on 8/20/2007 9:48:00 PM in (0) Comments

Tonight I want to be held. I want the rhythmic pace of another heart connected to my own. And so I sit here at my computer and allow the likes of John Legend, Billy Ocean, Marvin Gaye, and Robin Thicke hold me for tonight. There was a time when I had a heart to soothe me in the night. He seemed so warm and wonderful then. The way he would hold me and make me feel special, the way he would bring me a sense of security. I would have never thought that the Prince of my peace would become the bain of my existence. My own "Ice King". His eyes shoot daggers and his lips spew poison. He speakes of revenge and retribution saying that in my efforts to grow from a girl into a woman I have wronged him. The arms that once held the secret to my happiness and the eyes that once mirrored my inner beauty now hold and embrace another. Her reflection dances in his eyes. I search my soul for the answer and even pray my eyes will cry out all of the impurities, but all to no avail. I am still here and I am still alone. And so I allow John, Billy, Marvin, and Robin to hold me and soothe my aching soul. It all seems so funny, one day you see your future so clearly and then when time progresses that same picture is tainted and murkey. My ice king with viens of cold liquid and a heart of disdain; what am I to do with him. In my heart there is no anger, no vengence, only sympathy, knowing all too well that my ice king will never love for he holds no capacity to do so. Soon his embrce will turn cold and his eyes will sear through her soul. She will be left to sift through the rubble of who she was. I went into my rubble and found and beautiful woman beaten by life and decisions, hiding behind shame and fault, allowing the ice king to navigate her thoughts, I hope she is able to find stregnth in wreckage. I'll pray for you my ice king that the eyes of your very soul be opened, and I pray for myself my ice king that I never return to bondage; the slave of my own insecurities magnified. I am free.

The Age of Reason

posted on 8/14/2007 10:14:31 PM in (1) Comments

I am getting a little older and I would venture to say a little wiser, though from time to time I wil make a decision that is far from mature. The past few days have done so much to pressure me and force me to make some uncomfortable and long overdue decisions. I have decided to completely cease any conversations between my childs father and myself, I am certain you are saying "WHY?" Well, he was not in my life for HER benefit, he was in my life for MY benefit, and that wasn't a healthy situation. Though he was my first intense and powerful love he was also the most intense and powerful heartbreak. He was so adamant about my daughter not being around his family and I found it insulting. His mother asked me to bring my daughter around, and so I did and he is livid. He berated my parenting and said that I don't want my daughter, that woould not have hurt so bad had my mother not said the same thing, but for two different reasons. My mother hates to see me punish my daughter when she misbehaves, my childs father reminds me of the fact that I was relatively suicidal after I had my daughter. He neglects to reference the fact that I was so far over the edge because he would not have anything to do with my baby. I see mothers hate the fathers of their children and I did not want that. I wanted to give him the space and time to come to love me and my daughter, but over the past few days I have learned that he never truly loved me, and would have tolerated me better had I aborted my daughter, which was his one true wish in this life. I won't make him the bad guy 100% because I was about 5 months pregnant before I adjusted to the idea of being a mom, but I did adjust; he has yet to do that. I have never felt lower in life, but in the words of Joss Stone "I'm bruised but not broken."

Have You Ever?

posted on 7/9/2007 9:21:19 PM in (0) Comments

Have you ever wanted to majically disappear and teleport your body from where it is to where you want it to be? July 4th was so hard for me. I missed my family desperately and not having even my daughter to celebrate with me made it even more so painful. I had been invited to spend the day with my aunt and uncle in Chicago, but I was too tired from work to take the almost 3 hour drive and my neighbor across the street had extended me an offer to spend the day with their family as well, and since they were in walking distance I accepted the offer. In hind sight this was a poor decision on my part because I used to date the oldest son. I assumed since we are both on the slow fall to 30 that we would be able to conduct ourselves as civilized adults but quickly learned that it takes two adults to act like civilized adults, when you have one adult and one child the situation turns childish quickly. So as an end result of the childish debate I have been banned by him from his family's home. The entire situation ws ridiculous. So anyway progressing from the fourth until today, I took in a Brian McKnight concert and a Ludacris concert, which were enjoyable and I have made some new associates and am beginning to enjoy Madison slightly more than I was. I am still not wanting to be here, but I am doing my best to make it be as much like home as I can make it. Ms. Linda and her children, with the exception of James are as close to family as I can get here, and that is peaceful, but I almost want to sever all ties just to have the distance from James. He makes me uneasy. I have never had anyone make me feel uneasy before. I was so upset that day, but I am better now. I am hoping that my job will give me some indication of what I will be doing with my future.

Just My Thoughts

posted on 7/3/2007 6:13:27 PM in (0) Comments

There are times when I feel as though I am at peace and others where I feel as though I am in turmoil. I am not caught off guard by the turmoil any more. I have made the commitment to do better with my life to be more career minded and be more active in my religion. I have turned all of my pain over in the hopes that my life will become better. People have a knack for bringing you pain when you are happy and they have a way of breaking you down when you have done your best to grow. So... where does that leave us in this life? Well my thoughts are you have to continue to move, no matter how hard you have to move. You have to continually seek out something better. You have to stop looking in your rearview mirror and decide to look ahead. I am trying to continually look ahead but today is a little harder than most. What am I to do?

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