Will somebody please tell them to shut the **** up!

Now both of you, Amanda I know I love you to pieces, but you and Christin need to both shut up about each other. I've talked to you both. You both miss each other but you say the other one needs to say the words first before you fess up because you both believe that the other one is responsible. Now I tried to be cool about this and just help out like I always do, but this is really wearing down on my nerves Amanda. We don't talk about us anymore, we talk about YOUR PROBLEMS *emphasizes with hand gestures* . I would really like to get back to where we were when you and Christin got along like cake and cookies. Christin, yes, I have talked to Amanda about this ALOT! She misses you, she wants you there, your like her refuse from hell. She needs somebody like that in a time like this. It doesn't matter that she has ashleigh as a friend now. Shes had you as a friend for much longer and there is so much more trust between long time friends than there is with new friends. Amanda, I talked to Christin last night. She does miss you, but she doesn't want to fess up to it because she doesn't know what your going to do. Also, she thinks this whole ordeal is because you started spending more time with ashleigh, and I don't know how true that is, but you think that its christin's fault because she started hanging with nikki more and you felt like you had to messure up to nikki. You don't, just be your self, why do you think christin became friends with you in the first place? Because she liked who you are, and I know that's why I fell in love with you. One of you guys fess up to the other that you miss her, cause I've seen it on both of your blogs that you guys miss each other. Amanda, you wanted me to dump when I need to dump, well FYI, I'm dumping here and now, and this is going to be the last word I put in to the mix of this thing. Amanda, Christin...if things are going to continue as they are now, I don't wanna hear a word from either of you until one of you fesses up to the other IN PERSON. You go to the same bloody school, its not that hard, and I really don't care how awkward it is. So until one of you proves me the otherwise, or the situation changes, goodbye. (0) Comments

Posted: 9/9/2008 8:56:24 AM

Homecoming

15 days (4) Comments

Posted: 9/4/2008 3:54:02 PM

Ummm...

I have one thing to say right now. My arms feel empty without you in them. (2) Comments

Posted: 6/11/2008 10:45:53 AM

I never thought I could.

I never thought I could. I never thought I could. I never thought I could. Every time I open my wallet I see her. Every time I open my wallet I stop and stare. Every time I open my wallet I get scared. Whenever I'm near her I'm lost. Whenever I'm near her I'm happy. Whenever I'm near her I'm guilty. I see her and I smile. I see her and I cry. I see her and I laugh. I look at her photo and I stop. I look at her photo and I stare. I look at her photo and I am confused. When she calls I stop. When she calls I listen. When she calls I feel. When I'm not there I'm sad. When I'm not there I'm empty. When I'm not there I'm thinking of her. Not a day goes by where I don't think of her. Not a day goes by where I don't say her name. Not a day goes by where I don't miss her. I miss her smile. I miss her hugs. I miss her. But I love her. And thats all I can put into words. (0) Comments

Posted: 5/15/2008 9:28:17 AM

A date?

I think I did it. I can't really tell. I've never formally, nor physically, nor actually, asked a girl out on a date. But now...I think...I think...I think, ok screw dorthy and god damn toto, I did. Sorta. Not a formal date, but just one where we meet up somewhere. Not like a movie and popcorn, but something like the pool or the library or the park. But nevertheless, I hope she says yes, I really do. Shes the first girl I've really loved. You tell your girl/boyfreind that you love her/him because she/he is your girl/boyfreind. But shes not, and I love her more than anyone in the whole wide world. (0) Comments

Posted: 5/8/2008 11:02:39 PM

My Very First Bonfire.

Ok. I take that back. Techically, it was to windy for a fire, so we passed that. But last night I went over to a friends house for the night (till 10:30) ate some awsome grilled brats, hot dogs, and not so awsome burgers, curtesy of Kevin. After that, I watched some professional hockey, Ducks vs. ummm...somebody else and got schooled about all of the rules and tactics about how hockey works and how the playoffs work. GO DUCKS!!! lol, I like them and the Sharks, idk why but I just do. After that I played the worlds best games of hide and seek. The catch? We played it at night. IT WAS AWSOME!!! Home base was the propane tank and the first time my hand was physically about a half an inch away from homw and my uncle tagged me. AGGGHHH!!!! It was awsome though. The second time, my twin Zach and I hid up in the trees. By that time there was a 10 minute rule. Josh, who was it, passed 6 inches under us, lookd straight up at us (and I was wearing ALL white) and totally missed us. Zach even made freakin eye contact, but I think that Josh was to dead set on finding Kevin to worry about us though. At one point he said "I want Kevin like I want a dirt bike!" My uncle then replies to that "Maybe you should differentiate that want first though buddy!" Everyone laughed. The third time I hid in Kevins dumpster. Knowing Kevin, it smelled like nothing but pizza (that pizza addict, lol). He heard me make ONE freakin noise and found me. I almost scared him out of his pants when I jumped up and out at hime though, well, just startled him. It was awsome. Everytime, Zach hid in the trees and no one ever found him. it was awsome. When Zach and I were hiding in the trees, he and I were up there for nine and a half minutes and we could hear everyone counting down when we descended, waited for Josh to go in the shed, and then bolted for the propane tank. Noone saw us coming until Zach pretty much impalled Katy and the ground wire. It was hilarious. After that Zach and I got selected as team taggers. We almost got everyone. Jacob and Jason were up in a tree and zach was just waiting for them to come down to tag them. Jacob just barley managed to slip away. My favorite part was where I got Kevin though. He came down from the rafters in the shed and bolted for the tank. Right as he was trying to get past the corner of the house, I tagged him right at his hip, but he was still going fulll speed in the air when Zach did a dive into the rocks to try and get him. This was also the first party where almost everyone was older then us, with the same humor and maturity as us. So it was soooooo freakin awsome. I consider it as Zach and my first realy party. SOOO MUCH FUN!!! And again, Amanda, I was thinkin of you again. It was so peaceful in that tree that you were all I thought about, till Jay rode back on his motorcycle and his headlight almost gave my position away. SOOO close was my demise that I could feel doom breathing down my neck. But then Josh got distracted by the sound of the new exahust pipe Jay put on his motorcycle. Releaved I was. SO MUCH FUN!!! And the day before, on Saturday, Zach and I hit the skatepark in Oakland all afternoon long. I CAN FINALLY DROP IN!!! This was the first time that I could actually do anything in the skatepark! FUN!!! (1) Comments

Posted: 4/21/2008 9:27:48 AM

What she doesn't need.

Shes my freind. My life saver. My pillow. And all she needs is for someone to be there to tell her that shes loved and not something thats just trash or worthless. Shes a person, not a thing. Shes not someone who takes analitical crap and builds herself off of it, shes someone who takes comfort in knowing that someone is there for her and then buildes off of that. So people. please tell LUV69 that she is indeed loved, by many and by all. Nothing less but nothing more. Thats all she needs right now. SO people, please help me. Please help her. I love you Amanda. (3) Comments

Posted: 4/4/2008 9:18:41 AM

A pillow.

A pillow. Something we take for granted. But something we all need. Its soft, loving, kind, and always there when you need it. Its the thing you lay your head on when your all worn out. Its the thing that hears all your secrets. Mine knows all of mine. My failures. My triumphs. And a story about a girl named amanda. Like a bad pillow, I miss the comfort I used to have with her. She was my pillow. Soft, loving, kind, and always there when I needed her. She knew all my secrets. My failures. My triumphs. And I knew all of hers. At first, she fell for my brother, and she sat with him for awhile. And I was left alone. Zach and I, every day, would fight about which one of us she would get to sit by. She usually chose Zach though. I don't think she knows we did that. But eventually, we became close, more than we realized. Not knowing what could happen if one of us had to leave. Those were the days that everything was perfect for me. I didn't think so at the time but I can see it now. Everything was great, until the evection warning. My dad had been behind on the house payments so we got an evection warning. To mom it was a blessing, a perfect opportunity to leave. To me...it was the curse that ruined it for me. That one note, that one act by my father, took me away. It ripped us apart. We've tried to stay in contact, and we have. But something has changed, we're no longer the same. This distance has caused another distance. One of the soul and mind. And of heart and love. I do think that it is this distance that troubles us. It has caused us both to think that we ruined our freindship. But it was no one person. It was both of us just needing the other. I think this distance did no ruin. But instead brought us closer together and caused many realizations. For me, it is my love for her. For her...it is something else. But for both of us, it is something great to have the other. (0) Comments

Posted: 4/1/2008 9:55:30 AM

...

I can find no words to say what I want to. If you were here, I could show you. (0) Comments

Posted: 3/26/2008 10:19:38 AM

Recession

I've been there before and I've stayed away for along time. While I was out, things started to look good, but now everything is starting to fall around me. Everything and everyone I ever strived for...I'm loosing. The one I love, I can't see, and she may have someone else that can make her happy. So I tell her to go for it. Thats settled. The girl I like, is now avoiding me. Thats settled. My dad is gone now, and I have nothing against him now. Thats settled. I have no freinds that I am attached to now. No one to miss and no one to miss me. I've left no loose ends in any of my matters. Everything has been cleaned up. No this is not a suicide letter, but it is something else. I used to be someone, someone that no one knew nor noticed. I've tried so hard to not go back, but now I have nothing to loose, I'm just going into hiding again. I won't hurt anyone anymore and noone can hurt me now either. I must sacrafice love but so far, love has only brought me pain. So for now, I say good bye to the life I live and hello to the one I knew. (1) Comments

Posted: 3/25/2008 9:15:15 AM

An odd feeling.

It weird. Having everything the way that it is. I mean everything that happens has a reason, motive, and person behind it. So whats behind this feeling inside me? Its just rather weird. I don't know. (4) Comments

Posted: 3/19/2008 10:08:47 AM

"10 degree dive"

Splash Splash ... thwump thwump Splash Splash ... thwwuuump thwwuuump "10 degree dive" "Flood forward ballast tanks" Splash BING Splash BING Splash BING Splash BING BOOM! BOOM! *pipe burst* CLANG! BOOM! BOOM! Screeech! Kaphoom. Bulk heads collapse. And another sixty-three men are laid to rest at the bottom of the sea. In World War 2, cheers would follow this event. German or not. But now, to stop and think. To think about the men that died. The women and children they left behind. All took a risk and all of them died. The memories cut short. With sorrow in place. Their story I write down. May they rest in peace. And their memories live on. (0) Comments

Posted: 3/11/2008 9:14:04 AM

Mirrors in the Darkness

Lights. They are a source of light and hope. They keep this world turning. For in darkness we are forever lost. We are all lights in this world. Figurative or not. Some are covered by a dark sheet. Seeing their own greatness. While others see only rudeness and predjudice. Others leave nothing unseen. They shine for all others to see. And others give light in return. They are helped with much for all their givings. But some cannot find a room. Where the light is abundant. For no matter how much light and hope they provide. None is seen coming in return. I used to share my life with someone. And I can still see her faint glow from a distance away. But it does me little good. It only provides the hope that I will see her again soon again. But it provides a small amount to the larger quantity that is needed to sustain life. Everywhere I go. I shine for all I'm worth. And I know people see me. And to not sound haughty. But a bright light attracts attention. I have been seen as well as aknowledged. But noone will shine their light in return. They all direct theirs towards other people. They all seem so happy. With the amount of light bouncing around them. It almost makes me laugh. It really is funny though. To see how empitent they can be. The think that no one sees. What they keep hidden on the inside. The good they shine out in light. But the bad they keep hidden in the dark. But that is a grave mistake that all have made. For as one concealed to the darkness. As the light I shine is ignored. I illuminate the hidden. I see in people things no one else can. But it does me no good. Because I illuminate only darkness with nothing there to reflect back. Theres a light that sits in the back of my head. But i think what with no energy to spend now. My lights have begun to grow dim. (0) Comments

Posted: 2/29/2008 9:30:50 AM

GO AWAY!

When the pain comes flowing in. When the lonliness attacks like a relentless mob. When theres no one there in my time of need. I need my space. But it seems like no one will give it to me. I want to slip into that arms of the one I love. And forget everything around me. But I can't. So I need to be alone. But I can't even have that. When lonlines sweps in and I need someone that cares. Only people who criticize come to fill the void. Sometimes I want to run away. To run all the way to her house. But then I realize that I would have to return to here. And have to answer so many questions that its just not worth it. So please, all of you that don't know me. When that smile slips away and the play in my voince gains an edge. Please just leave me alone. Before I do something we'll all regret. (0) Comments

Posted: 2/28/2008 10:57:50 PM

The words I couldn't say.

YOur the one. I've sat here for hours on end and and I thought it through. I had to really think about it you know. About what love really is. I think I finally figured it out. You think you love someone. But would you run into an inferno for them? Knowing that even if you find them, you have almost a 0% chance of getting out? Think about it. Give an answer. Then run it through your head over and over. For me its yes. Theres someone that means that much to me. I tell her I love her. And I mean every bit of it. But I don't think she sees that. She says she loves me and I know she does. But does she see what she means to me? I've always wanted to tell her. The way I felt about her. But those seemed to be the words I couldn't say. She knows I love her. And I know she says she loves me. But she lies about what we are. Who we really are. She says we're freinds. But she says she loves me. SHe doesn't want to take it anyfarther though we're already there. I'm not a selfish guy. But for once I want her to shut up and listen to me again. I need her to feel how I feel for once. To feel the raw emotions that have been bottled up and that are now coming out after so long. To see the pain in me through my eyes. To hear the sorrow constantly whispering in my ear. To hear the pain in my voice. To see the tears rolling down my face once again. I want her to see me. And how I am. Sometimes she makes me the happiest person in the world. Other times, just the thought of her fills me with pain. I tell her she'll never lose me. And she never will, thats true. But it hurts me. To lose her over and over again. everytime she goes out with someone else. Everytime she tells me were just freinds and no more. Everytime I leave her to go home. I lose her. I would seriously almost want to never see her again. Than know that I will never have her and that no matter how much we love each other. She will never be mine. I don't want to lose her again. I'm in a place and a time that I can't bear to lose her again. I know I will though. I always will. I kow the time will come, but I hope its in a time when I can bare it. And I hope that she will see that when I say I love you to her. I do not mean it as a freind, but as something more. When I held her hand one night. I told her we could if she wanted. I wanted to see if she really knew how I felt that night. But she let go. And it hurt. Alot. Maybe it didn't show, maybe she didn't know. But it hurt more than I let on that night. I went hoome that night and kicked myself all over for doing that. For being stupid enough to think she would know. For once, when the tears roll down my face when I think about her. I want her to know why and how deep my emotions run. ALso, I don't care if it puts her in a spot that she doesn't like. Cause I've been there all my life. I want her to see. She needs to see. I love you, but I'm not sorry. I wish you could see how much you mean to me. And that every day I live fretting that I'll lose you. And live everyday knowing that you'll never lose me cause I'll always be there for you. I've lost you before and it hurt more than you know. And I have wanted to tell you things before. But I've waited to long to say them and then you got into a situation where I couldn't say them to you. So right now I don't care. I'm not waiting. You mean more than the world to me. The world and everything good in it. Thats why I'm telling you this. Because I love you. (2) Comments

Posted: 2/25/2008 9:54:03 AM

We all lie everyday.

It hurts. Its the worst feeling in the world. To have the world crushing down on you. To be all alone. Sometimes you just wish someone was there to care. To just be there to tell you they love you. It's a moment of depression. Of pure loneliness. Everyone has these moments. Some lasting an hour. Some lasting a week. But for a select few. It just won't go away. It sticks with you for years. It never goes away. Some can't take it and decide to die. But some are strong. They put on a mask every day. A smile, a laugh, a giggle or two. Just to hide their sadness. So noone knows what they're going through. You can't tell who it is, but sometimes you know. You don't see the happiness or halo or smile everyone else does. You can see the gloom and sorrow that fills them. I see it in you, I see it in me, I see it in everyone around me. (0) Comments

Posted: 2/21/2008 9:19:30 AM

Breaking Silence

Shush. Thats all I hear anymore. You're told to express yourself. But when you do it's. SHUSH!!! They tell you to shut up. To be quiet. To be silent on a level. To were they never hear you. Its something you need to do. Talking is. It helps you with things. It makes the world go round. Whether its important or not. All you get told anymore is to just. SHUT UP!!! Thats all you hear. The popular kids. Can say anything they want. And everyone listens. But people like me. They seem to have no power. You may have life saving information. Or something that means the world to you. But noone seems to be willing to listen to you. So yah know what? It's my turn. I'm going to speak my mind. I'm going to let you know what I think. And I'm gonna say it loud. You wanna know something else? It's your turn to. It's your turn to finally just shut up. And let me speak. (0) Comments

Posted: 2/21/2008 9:10:09 AM

We're different than what you think.

Rejection. It's a hard thing for anybody. To one day be liked. And the next day hated. Everyone pressures you. Because they all hate you. If you're there. You must be just like them. But as soon as you leave. They don't even care anymore. It makes you feel worthless. When you leave. Thrown out just like the trash. To be melted down. And changed into something else. Being rearranged. Like a puzzle that doesn't fit. All you want is love. For someone to show you that they care. You're all alone in your world. Just looking for hope. They're no different than you and I. But the same in every way. They have their quirks. And their good points. That make the world shine. Being forced to be selfless. They have more good traits. Than any popular kid I know. If you want to keep us around. Cause I'd like to see tomorrow. Just tell them you care. And let them know you're there. (1) Comments

Posted: 2/20/2008 9:54:34 AM

ouch.

Pain. WE all have it. In our heads. Our backs. Our joints. In the pit of our stomachs. But the one certin fact is that it hurts everywhere. But the heart. The heart is something not meant to be hurt. It feels like hell everytime it is to. WE all know the feeling. Though we all should've been spared. Now I'm gonna go take some excedrin. Good night. (0) Comments

Posted: 2/19/2008 11:19:26 PM

The Veil in the Dark.

Love. Its all around. We both know its there. We've seen it all along. Always knew it was there. But it feels like something is there. Something not letting me show. How much I truly love her. Like a veil covering a light. So only part of the light shines through. And then a distance grows. A distance between us. That pushes us farther and farther apart. As our lonliness grows. We need each other more and more. But the distance has grown to much. I feel like I have lost her. Forever into the darkness. (1) Comments

Posted: 2/19/2008 9:20:56 AM

Satisfaction.

It rains and it ours. With each drop I grow sore. My heart hurts more and more. As it rains and pours. As each drop brings pain. It also brings bad thoughts. I dream of hurt for others. And only my gain. In my mind I destroy my father. I destroy and create. I letgo of my reign. On my rage from long ago. I go berserk. Father prays for mercy. I give him none. For now I am all powerful. He has been abusive for long. I decide good and bad. He is bad. He must go. My fantasies of his death become rality. Everyone of them. He pays for his many crimes. He lives then dies and lives again. With every fantasy he pays for a crime. It pours all the while. It rains all the while. My rage pours out with the rain. My father still cries out for mercy. His cries are lost in the thunder of my anger. He is not heard. He pays for all his crimes. The rain ceases. My father is gone along with my anger. My rage has been satisfied. Another soul has gone to hell. I look around me. I am satisfied. My work is done. And the thunder is heard behind me. (1) Comments

Posted: 2/18/2008 11:36:52 AM

A bunny whos not.

I see a bunny. A fluffy bunny. In it's own little world. Of dancing flowers and endless meadows. It is as it is. Changed by nothing. It has found itself. At an early age. These dancing flowers and endless meadows. Are only a figment of its mind. This bunny is a person, different than all. In a world where tragedy befalls us all. Criticized by most. Loved by some. He listens to none. But the ones he loves. Forced to live a life that isn't his. Made to do things not of his own. His life is twisted and warped. He has lost control for g=his mind is trapped. With his mind trapped in a world. Of dancing flower and endless meadows. He is driven crazy of this childish nonsense. There is no way out of this world of his. He sees no light at the end of the tunnel. He is desperate and lonely and in need of freinds. His resolve is strong again for one last attempt. To escape this childish world of his. The failure of this means certain death. But the thought of freedom is much to strong. He strengthens his resolve and tries once more. But death comes soon for this white young bunny. (3) Comments

Posted: 2/18/2008 11:16:49 AM

Scicily

Pain. It envelopes me. I suffer. I am dying with no help. Each breath brings a hammer of pain. Like a 50-pound mallet upon a mouse. I cannot breath. My life is constricted. As each heartbeat brings me closer to death. I am constricted more in this black hole. I pray for help. As I watch my life sail away like a greek ship with a black sail. (0) Comments

Posted: 2/18/2008 11:05:21 AM

In the back of my head.

As I sit in my world. With no boundaries anew. Your life is more hectic. For boundaries constrict you. I bound and I run. Do what I like. For I am an outcast. In a world of light. The lights never flicker. they never grow dim. I am playing with stickers. And burping at whim. Now I grow tired. As I end this hym. I will see you tomorrow. Unless my lights grow dim. (0) Comments

Posted: 2/18/2008 10:58:30 AM

Love

Love Love is a miricale. It takes and it gives. Love Love is God. Hate is devil. Love Love is good. Love is bad. Love Love makes you do things you would never do otherwise. It produces life and it takes it away. People live for love. Some kill for love. It made me forget my line. Shoot. I hate it when you do that to me. This is the first poem I ever wrote. (2) Comments

Posted: 2/18/2008 10:51:53 AM

The First Kiss

The first kiss. Something grandure. Sought by all. The gateway to love. This kiss has eluded me. For fifteen years. Coming so close. Then slipping away. I have often wondered. What it is like. To have this first kiss. To see romance abliss. It has drawn close again. And will not escape. For I will capture it. With the greatest of ease. I hope. (1) Comments

Posted: 2/18/2008 10:48:04 AM

Does any one really care?

Valenitnes seems to be a time of love. When everyone tells everyone else that they like them. Love is born. IT happens every year. I can't avoid it. I usually don't celebrate. Anything for that matter. And most of the time I really didn't care. Because I had my freinds with me to help me through it. But this year is different. Everything has changed. I don't have my freinds any more. So theres no one there to care. I want you to send me a message. Also one to the one you love. Just to let me know that. Theres someone there who cares. I love Katlyn. I love Amanda. They are my two true Valentines. (1) Comments

Posted: 2/14/2008 9:11:02 AM

A hidden hell.

A mask. To hide the tears. A deceiving smile. To hide the fear A cloak. To hide the scars. Make up. To hide the blemishes. A laugh. To hide the hate. Freinds. To hide the pain. To all my freinds. They see the first half. To me, I only see the second. For all my life. I've learned to hide it well. The life I live. In this secret hell. (1) Comments

Posted: 2/5/2008 9:48:43 AM

The one thats always there.

Theres always one. The one that is always there. The one that is your best freind. Your crying shoulder. And comforting freind. He listens to your troubles. He helps you through them. You can rely on him to ne there. Only most of the time though. Hes the one you've known for years. One of the few that know you through and through. Sometimes you take him for granted. Thinking that he'll always be there. Then again. Sometimes you realize just how important that person is. Hes always happy. Always smiling. He makes you feel better. Every time you see him. He just wanted to say thank you. For no reason at all. (0) Comments

Posted: 2/5/2008 9:43:25 AM

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HYPER!! FEELS GOOD!! Just had to get that out. (0) Comments

Posted: 1/31/2008 9:41:14 AM