jmcvuk

i used 2 work accross the road from this pub lol :-/

posted on 8/25/2007 7:51:18 PM in (1) Comments

1 more 4 2day :-)

posted on 6/20/2007 9:04:16 AM in (0) Comments

RE:software upgrades

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download
Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

If all else fails, drop Nagging 5.3, and replace it with the more advanced Bitching 6.0. It has resulted in better responses.


Good Luck, Tech Support

these are good ~

posted on 6/20/2007 8:52:30 AM in (0) Comments


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, d o you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you we re lookin g for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Poor Mark

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE." The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.

20 ways to maintain your sanity

posted on 6/20/2007 7:52:30 AM in (1) Comments


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
Its Called ....... therapy

pick your birthday month ;-)

posted on 6/8/2007 6:27:57 AM in (0) Comments

♥Pick your birthday month and read it,
then repost with whatever you are.♥

♥ JANUARY = BIG WHORE♥
Fun to be with. Loves to try new things. Boy/girls LOVE you. You are very hott. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times.Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost someway in the next 12 days


♥FEBRUARY = ATTITUDE♥
Abstract thoughts. Outgoing.Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive.Fun to be around with. sexiest out of everyone.A real speed demon.
Has more than one best friend. Able to cheer anyone up and make them laugh. Amazing smile. An awesome kisser. Temperamental. Honest. A very good girlfriend/boyfriend and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends Daring and stubborn.
Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp.
Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the
inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
Repost this in 5 mins and you will talk to someone
new and realize that you are a perfect match.


♥ MARCH = FLIRTATIOUS SLUT♥
You've got the best personality and are an
absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make
new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt
and more than likely have a very attractive
partner, a wicked hottie. Like somebody with an
August brithday. It is also more than likely
that you have a massive record collection. When it
comes to films, you know how to pick them and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!! IN the next 6 days you will meet someone that may possibly become one of your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes.


♥APRIL = PIMP♥
APRIL means that your really good looking.
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and
highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered.
Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.Everyone loves to be around you. You always attract attention. You are definately the most sexiest and good looking of them all. You know how to get what you want. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone you do not speak to much in the next 4 days.


♥MAY = SEXY♥
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous.
Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and
sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does
work well with others. Very confident. An awesome kisser. Sensitive. A very good girlfriend/boyfriend. Amazing Smile. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Has All The Characteristics of John Carrico
Bubbly personality. Suductive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Super sexy. Extremley hot but has brains. If you
repost this in 5 mins, a cutie that's caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alike in the next 2 days.


♥JUNE = PORN STAR♥
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves
to takes things at the center. Inner and physical
beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry
often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and
fearless. Always making friends. Very easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does
not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Understanding. Fun to be around. Nympho-and an awesome lover too....makes u happy so that makes them happy...
Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive.
Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and
travelling. Systematic. Hot but has brains. If you
repost this in 5 mins, a cutie that's caught your eye will introduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alike in the next 2 days.


♥JULY = HOTTIE♥
outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on
attention. no self control. kind hearted. self
confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful.
easy to get along with and talk to. has an "every
thing's peachy" attitude. likes talking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain" caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. independent. strong willed. a fighter. repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month.


♥ AUGUST = THUG ♥
You a strait up "Gangsta" Attractive personality.Very! sexy.Affectionate & Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic.Chatterbox! Loves to talk alot! Loves to get their way! . Unbelievable kisser! Easily angered. Very stubborn in the most way possible! Loves to get noticed! Willing to take risks for others. Makes good choices. Has a great fashion sense! Maybe a little too popular with others * wink wink*. Outgoing and crazy at times! Intelligent. Can sometimes be a heartbreaker! Can love as much as possible! Hates insults. Loves compliments! A very big flirt! Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. The best in bed out of ANY of these months!! Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.If you repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your new love in 8 days.


♥SEPTEMBER = LOVER♥
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends
to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself.
Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic.
Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems.
Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and
caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have
many friends. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.
if you do not repost this in the next 5 mins. someone very close to you will become mad
at you in the next 8 days.


♥OCTOBER =PERFECT♥
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and
dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun.
Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards
your inner and outer beauty and independent
personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind. repost in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming up sometime this month.


♥NOVEMBER = GORGEOUS♥
Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive
in everything. Active in games and interactions.
Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in
organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to,
though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision,
yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by
kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of
ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. repost this in 5 mins & you will find true love at 11:00 a.m.


♥ DECEMBER = FREAK IN BED♥
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves
to takes things at the center. Great in bed. Inner
and physical beauty. Doesn't pretend. Gets angry
often. A meaningful love life partner. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. It is all about love and fairness. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Horny but does fullfill. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Knows what to do to have fun. Unpredictable. Someone to have close to you.Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. sexiest out of everyone.A real speed demon.
Has more than one best friend. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. If you repost this in the next 5 min, I haven't got a clue what will happen.

Sex In The Dark... :-))

posted on 5/28/2007 6:41:37 AM in (1) Comments

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."

perchance for your interest, a few pics...

posted on 5/21/2007 8:16:26 AM in (1) Comments

of Aberdeen, taken by myself & my trusty little digicam. :-)

jeez i'm off work 2day :-))

posted on 4/22/2007 9:06:32 AM in (1) Comments

unusual as it is, to get a sunday off work. had to request it specially, so i did. so i could help my poor bro-in-law into his 40s heh heh.

there's a thing now. an american celebrating his 40th birthday in scotland, in the company of an apparently hardened [cough] scottish drinker. now how am i supposed to miss an opportunity like that? he's doomed! i already gave him a bottle of amaretto today, just to get him started. i wonder how much of it will be left when we meet up later.

i hope my sis has been eating her spinach; she could be carrying him home later lol :-))

peek-a-boo bro :-)

posted on 4/22/2007 6:03:56 AM in (0) Comments

it's your 40th birthday heh heh. have a great one

thankee 4 all the birthday wishes :-)

posted on 1/12/2007 6:04:21 AM in (1) Comments

had a nice drinkee 2 celebrate i did;
bottle of bollinger;
several pints;
ditto vodkas;
couple of lap dances (oops, heh heh)
twas all good ;-)

fire fire grill on fire ~ what a sunday!

posted on 12/5/2006 8:30:36 AM in (1) Comments

no, not fire drill, fire grill - and it really was; on fire i mean.

a 70 table restaurant, capable of feeding 200 people at a time. complete with childrens play area with 3 kids parties on or due to start.

around 160 people in the building, including around 60 children with families - and the grill's on fire.

at one particular moment, just before the chefs successfully put the fire out, it really looked as if it was going to take off right accross the canopies on the main line.

i think then i felt the greatest responsibility that i have ever felt, for the safety of so many people. of course i evacuated the building and thankfully, the fire was short lived and no one was hurt.

the fire service didn't have to stay long, and by early the next day i had the kitchen fully operational again.

considering the potential risks, all is now extremely well, but what a sunday!!

heh heh...

posted on 12/1/2006 5:46:01 AM in (0) Comments

A Cucumber, a Pickle and a Penis were all sitting
around one day talking about how much their lives suck.

The Cucumber said, "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get
big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the Pickle looked at him and said, "You think you
have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy,
someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and
sticks me in a jar."

The Penis glared at both of them and said, "You guys
think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat and
juicy, someone puts a rubber tarp over my head, sticks
me in a dark room, and bangs my head against the wall
until I throw up and pass out."

up pops a wee scottish head ~ ~

posted on 11/28/2006 5:59:43 AM in (0) Comments

~ ~ or mabe a big one, depending on your point of view.

been hard at it i have - at work that is. between getting promoted, salaried so more hours (what a shock), new computer and cash/till systems at work and not a manager in this new uk pub operation that knows how to work it (cept me of course :-p), i'v been a tad busy this last little while.

xmas is coming. my pub is a big one, family oriented, it means lots of party 2 a party style xmas nites, xmas lunches and of course the big day itself. such is my lot 4 the next month or so. thank goodness for the traditional scottish new year ~ hogmannay ~ which i have off, yahoooooo.

kilted up i will b, and a truer scotsman you'l never c, copious consumption of alcoholic beverage is of course a given, as is a lining of haggis neeps & tatties to keep me going well into the 1st of january.

if one works hard, one must play hard. balance in the universe demands it.

such, is the way of the force!

;-)

Sorry Ladies! ~ Men's answer to Maxine...

posted on 9/29/2006 7:19:25 AM in (0) Comments

Men strike back!

:-))

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
Never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
Front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
A woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
Walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth !

The Great Invocation~...

posted on 9/21/2006 8:18:16 PM in (0) Comments

From the point of Light within the Mind of God
Let light stream forth into human minds
Let Light descend on Earth.

From the point of Love within the Heart of God
Let love stream forth into human hearts
May the Christ return to Earth.

From the center where the Will of God is known
Let purpose guide our little wills—
The purpose which the Masters know and serve.

From the center which we call the human race
Let the Plan of Love and Light work out.
And may it seal the door where evil dwells.

Let Light and Love and Power restore the Plan on Earth

how to install love ~ sweet as fcuk :-)

posted on 9/20/2006 9:11:23 PM in (2) Comments

Customer: I'm trying to install LOVE but need some help. I'm not very technical—can you help?

Service Rep: Sure. The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Service Rep: What programs are running?

Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops... I have an error message already. What should I do?

Service Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Service Rep: Don't worry, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE” others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you.

May you experience each day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder.
© ~Barbara A Bailey~

www.nwrawildlife.org/
© 2003 National Wildlife Rehabilitators Association (NWRA)

"God And The Biker"

posted on 9/8/2006 4:10:02 AM in (1) Comments

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

quite funny but is it true to life?

posted on 9/1/2006 6:39:00 AM in (1) Comments

Why We Split-Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending:
$65.00 on make-up,
$150 for a cut & color,
$30 for a manicure,
$40 for a pedicure,
$50 on vitamins,
$300 on clothes and $600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not
her. She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's ever coming back.

hyuk hyuk hyuk chuckle....

posted on 8/18/2006 4:13:23 AM in (1) Comments

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sex nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

***********************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

***********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a wife.

***********************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband...

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

*************************************************! *

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

karma created?

posted on 8/15/2006 8:02:59 AM in (0) Comments

my bro-in-law here has just offered the wisdom that good karma can be created by the doing of good deeds.

i on the other hand, am of the wisdom that karma luvs to bite your ass when you least expect it, and will take more account of motivation, than of deed.

any comments?

geez is it happening again already?

posted on 8/10/2006 3:48:30 AM in (0) Comments

one benefit of a happy home is that you can close the door on anyone who doesn't want to be nice.

irrespective of percieved justifications, if someone has recently joined newblog with the specific purpose of winding up another member regards something in their past, i do hope the door is closed on that very quickly, before said person manages to affect other members with her bitter frame of mind....

pancakes take forever...

posted on 8/6/2006 2:17:42 PM in (2) Comments

or at least they do when i try to cook them. normally a reasonable cook i am, but anything that involves mixing eggs with flour just doesn't seem to work for me.

pan too hot = burnt pancakes, pan not hot enough = standing their waiting, then it turns out like a frisbee.

getting it right takes practice!

reminds me of the importance of patience in life this does.

all things come to those who show patience, work, persevere, and believe.

just a thought...

poke the penguin

posted on 8/5/2006 1:21:12 PM in (0) Comments

i couldnt help it, its addictive. at least i stuck it at the bottom of my blog tho; scroll down to have a go. :-)

the guy's rules

posted on 8/5/2006 10:48:44 AM in (1) Comments

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.



1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect
us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh


Life is a dance! Enjoy the music and do a few spins!! :)

three computers for the price of none...

posted on 8/1/2006 7:59:17 PM in (3) Comments

here i sit, with three CPU's lying around my livingroom floor. a couple of monitors, loads of cable and other various items of computer junk, and i can't get even one working computer out of the lot of it. i am officially useless!

ok mabe not [:-)] but it's just my luck the the only three motherboards that exist right now in my flat [laptop i'm using right now notwithstanding] could more likely have been manufactured by george foreman, rather than anyone at IBM.

fried they are, or perhaps grilled, or is that me?

tried to build a working model for my friend i did, but it has happened not ~ not this time.

perhaps once a small investment my friend has made, i will venture again unto the task, meantime to the place of cast out technology these non-working bits go, and happily, back to my beer go i. :-))

the law of three...

posted on 7/27/2006 5:32:07 AM in (1) Comments

what we put out in energy (positive or negative) comes back to us three times.

it's a nice concept, similar to what people sometimes say; what goes around comes around.

but the law of three has majikal roots. the power to make it happen is as powerful as your belief that it will.

this is a place for nice people. those who may occasionally venture by who are not nice, should remember the law of three...

Mr. Gorsky !!!

posted on 7/26/2006 8:31:17 AM in (1) Comments

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks and the usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed outside his neighbour's bedroom window.

His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story.

not like my work ;-)

posted on 7/26/2006 4:52:44 AM in (1) Comments

Early Retirement.

Due to the current financial situation, the Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as ‘RAPE’ (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme, (Special Help AFTer Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCHeme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives to staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Manager. He has been trained to give you as much SHIT as you can possibly handle.

Yours truly,

Management HQ.

the stuff of stars

posted on 7/25/2006 7:27:13 PM in (0) Comments

just finished working five 12~14 hour shifts in a row. tired, i am. but two days off, i am now blessed with so hear from me you may, during this brief period of respite from labour.

such has been the nature of recent contributions to this here world of blogging, i thought i might invest a tuppence in, perhaps gleaning response from those so inclined.

tis the truth of it that we are all the stuff of stars. physics dictates, so it must be. ;-)

such is as far as i will take you down the scientific road. but such is the truth of it.

for every soul that exists in the universe, there is a star providing it with energy. if you look up at the sky on a clear night, and you see the apparently infinite number of stars energising the universe, and the souls within it, do you not feel as if you belong up there, among them?

or do you feel truly at home, here on this Earth?

a beer, and a contemplation...

posted on 7/20/2006 9:46:54 AM in (1) Comments

three o'clock in the afternoon and i havnt had a beer yet. watching a film about a flight that didnt end out of one eye (restless spirits), and typing this into my laptop with the other. just a sec...

... ahh thats better, the beer's taken care of, and the film's finished, ghostly pilots finally on their way.

films like that make it easy to believe in real ghosts. the idea of spirits stuck somehow, somewhere between our world and the next, not fully in one, or the other.

some unfulfilled aspect of their earthly existence awaiting completion, so that they can move on to their next soul mission...

is it another lifetime, another series of lessons, joys, despairs? is it a returning to the source of all things, the spiritual centre of the universe?

such is the contemplation of many, having reached the end of this and such like entertainments.

we aren't supposed to know the answers to such questions, we are simply supposed to live our soul mission. ignorance is bliss!

oh but wait a minute ~ suppose our soul mission is to search out and learn the answer to such questions...

we are here, because we can experience things in physical form which are not possible to a purely spiritual entity.

we are ignorant because full knowledge of our origins would detract from that experience.

we search for answers to such questions because we feel the connection to our souls and the universe, that we can't reach...