Asssssssumptions

So basically. I think nobody is as clever as me. That's a lie. I'm not the only fucking crazy one. I have a new livejournal. non-RL only. It's an sn I've never used before. I'm privat-ing these entries. I'm an idiot. (0) Comments

Posted: 12/5/2007 1:21:53 AM

Orchestrations and lines in the sand

So I didn't sleep Monday night and Blanca and I hung out for a few hours until about 7 am. I got my hair cut and I bought a new cd and a new necklace. I'm relatively centered now. I understand things. Things are coming to me more clearly. I'm still upset in the most orchestrated of ways. I miss things I shouldnt' miss. Part of it is only me missing things I imagine. I wish I could write more but I'm on a deadline for the moment. Hopefully more later if I remember it all.. (0) Comments

Posted: 11/21/2007 7:34:34 PM

Oy

When I look at my bank account I get panic attacks. I hate my sister. (0) Comments

Posted: 9/24/2007 2:56:08 PM

Ah irritation

I'm so emotional lately it's not even funny. My sister pisses me off. She leaves my computer open, doesnt log out when I ask, leaves her shit everywhere, blatantly puts her stuff on my bed and denies it, and then tries to god me on stuff. I hate being in debt to her oh gee I hate it. And right now I asked three times what she and her friend were listening to and she ignored me. Three times. I know she heard me, I was practically yelling. What the hell man? God I wanted to cry cuz she was ignoring it. Im soooooo emotional lately. Perhaps it's that silly little time of the month? Please god let it be that, I don't think I'm normally this emotional. Haha but work was ok. Beto was flirting with me, madly. It was hilarious. They were laughing at me. He's a short little Mexican though with a really thick accent that I can hardly understand sometimes. Most of the time I can, but sometimes I cant He's not as short as my other love, but daaaayum. what the hell is up with me and short Mexicans??? God hates me. It's the only explanation. Oh gee Im tired. Ignore the lack of apostrophes. The button is sticking and Im too lazy to stomp on it everytime I want to use it. Lo siento muchly :) (0) Comments

Posted: 9/8/2007 7:45:35 PM

Maybe I can work on alien robots

So I'm pretty afraid, actually. I can feel that edge of panic starting to push through my consciousness. It's threatening to overtake me, the bastard thing that it is. I've been fine these past two weeks. the beginning of September is just around the corner, though, and I can breathe in all the poisonous bills that are coming with it. Rent. Car. Insurance. Gas. Groceries. Added up it's looking to be about six-seven hundred dollars that's going to be due by the fifteenth of the month. Which, of course, as I don't have a job quite yet, I'm not going to be able to accomplish. Zomgee. My loan isn't through yet and it probably won't be until at least the twentieth. It isn't even going to be the 4k I need. It's going to be 1200. Which will cover about a month or two of necessary bills and whatnot, which isn't bad. It just means I won't be able to sleep this semester as I'll have to be working full time. Hooray. *sigh* Well I was going to be working full time if I could, but it wasn't going to worry too much if I could only pull in thirty or so hours a week. But now I'm going to be forced to go to school full-time and work full-time. At least they're all easy liberal classes that just require a lot of reading, which I'm good at. It's still gonna be not as happy as I was planning. Ah well. I'm not riding the cushy tidal wave I wanted but at least whatever I get I can say I worked for. I feel so lazy right now, in the laspe between jobs and getting adjusted to school. I feel incredibly lazy. I was working 40+ hours for three months and now I'm doing completely nothing except wasting money and popping into some classroom for rollcall every Tuesday and Thursday. Wonderful. I'm not learning anything. I'm reading and discussing. In the next ten years or so I stand the viable chance that my career goal is going to be obsolete and that scares me when I think about it. I don't have any other skills, really. I'm handy with a computer but the majority of the population is as well. I can make some spiffy looking graphics. A billion other people can make graphics a billion times better than I can. I can make an elementary webpage. Millions can make flash and amazing webpages. I can't hack. I guess what I think is that in the next coupla years or so the occupation of "teacher" is going to become obsolete. Look at everything now, what with distance learning, online classes, and self-taught programs on the market. What do you need a teacher for? Especially a goddamn English teacher? I'm not that spiffy at English, but I'm really not good at anything else either. I can make a mean burrito pretty fast and that's about it. So what happens to me, after I spend on this money on an education that is probably going to put me on the street anyway? One of my old high school teachers works at Lowe's to compensate for a system that depreciates the value of such an education. Teachers make more on the East Coast, true, but the cost of living probably balances it out. The higher level of education you have in this field, like in all fields, determines the level of bling-bling in get in life. The only other thing that remotely interests me in computers but I'm not very good at those either. I suppose I could be spending the stellar amounts of money I've been/will recieve on classes for those but I'm loathe to waste all the time and energy I've used on English classes. I'm very loathe to waste it, actually. It's a matter of priorities and my own visions of what the future could possibly hold, but still. Meh. I don't know for sure if any of this would come to pass but I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I can't help but think that I chose what I'm going to do because I'm, atop of everything else I am, lazy. I have passion and energy and want. But I feel like anyone could do this. Sure, you could read the patience and the dedication and the need but you could easily apply those into any othe profession. Nursing. Doctors. Goddamn mechanics and they make more than I ever will, more than likely. So is it about the money? I can live a frugal existance, I think, it's not like I'm raking in everything I want. Clothes and food and gas and all the bills but is that what I'll make? I don't know. Like I said, I think this profession will become more or less obsolete sometime in the future. That could be my own cynical views of the world but I'm not sure. I don't think money is all that I think about because I truly imagine a happy future doing what I want in this profession, but it's damned well important. Important enough for me to think about all these things I've been thinking about in the past couple of weeks. I guess the prospect of loans and bills and everything else that involves that mysterious thing that makes the world go round is making me think and making me doubt what I've held fast to and strongly for. I guess there's the doubts in myself as well, as there's doubt for everything. Let's face it, I can't really do anything well. I'm not skilled with my hands, I'm not skilled with computers, I'm not skilled with cars, I can't tell you how atoms work, I can't make a potato light up, I can't speak very well, my acting sucks, my voice is scratchy, and I can't ride the longboard well enough to do some gravity-defying trick. Let's face it, I'm a clutz who can't grasp my own piercings to take them out. I can take a semi-decent picture, I can make a semi-decent banner, I can write a semi-decent story, and I can make a semi-decent website. I'd trade the semi-decents in for one spectacular skill. Is that what school is supposed to do? Foster some type of skill? Because I can't feel the fostering happening. I can't feel the learning become a part of me, expensive thing that it is. Is that what everybody struggles with? I don't know, but it worries me a bit when I think about the future. I'm happy in the present-- as happy as I can be-- and I want to be at least somewhat decently able to provide for myself in the future. I don't have many wants and goals now, I guess. I suppose if i did I would work toward them to improve myself, yet I don't. Hmm. A quandry indeed. Damn my head hurts. Longboarding time! Muwahaha. (0) Comments

Posted: 8/27/2007 6:10:26 PM

I'm in love and I can't help it

So let’s document something else this time, let’s document something different from other times. Let’s document the rise of something that pains me, but pains me in a good way. Let me document something else, something different, something better than last time. Better than what I’ve been documenting for the past year of my life. I’m nineteen now, I think it’s time to grow up or time to realize that what happened was really what I believe or shut up. So let’s talk about him. He makes me so incredibly happy and so incredibly exasperated at the same time. I have never fallen for anyone in my life—I’ve had my silly little crushes, but this has been the only one that has stuck. It’s been almost two years and it’s still here and I still feel it floating through me. Nothing will happen, ever, but that seems alright. I love him. I love his eyes, I love his hazel eyes, I love his shaggy, wavy black hair, I love the way his eyes set below his hair, I love his hands, I love his Lynard Skynard shirt, I love his baggy jeans and his shoes, I love the way he looks intelligent and sarcastic and uncaring at the same time. I love the way that he’s not perfect at video games, I love the way he thinks, I love the way that he smiles, I love it when he’s buzzed, I love him when he talks to me, I love it when he ignores me. I love his eyes and I love his smile. I love it when he’s high, I love it when we sat in the rain, I love it when we’re high and I love the way he makes me happy. I love the way we talk, I love the way he thinks I’m intelligent sometimes, I love the way he thinks I’m silly and the way he laughs at me. I love his eyes and I love his smile. I’m in love and it hurts because I know that none of these things will ever be returned. It’s unrequited. I hate the way he’s lazy, I hate the way he cares about little but himself, I hate the way he ignores me. I hate the way he doesn’t love me, I hate the way I don’t know about his life. I hate the way he only gets high, I hate the way he has no goals, I hate the way he respects nothing, I hate the way he’s living. I hate the fact that he’s complacent and I hate the way he looks at me like I’m stupid. I hate the way he acts sometimes and I hate the fact that all he does is get high and drunk. I hate the way he looks at other girls because I know he’ll never look at me that way. I’m in love and it hurts because I know none of those things will ever be returned. It’s unrequited. I love his hair and I love his smile. I’m in love with him and it hurts me. I’m out of here in a few weeks and I’m back at school and I’m back with other people besides this community that I’ve come to call my own. I’ll lose most of this feeling, I’ll find them for someone else, I won’t love him as much anymore and I think that’s a good thing. I don’t need to attach myself to something so wispy and fake and something I can’t grasp. But for now I can feel it and I can love it and I can love him so much it dominates my head. It makes me happy. (0) Comments

Posted: 7/29/2007 12:35:15 PM

Silly silly silly

I'm turning into a druggie! Lol no. But that would be fun! Silly little crush, leave me alone! You make my life difficult you silly little thing you. But still. Oh boy. I have so much stress right now its not even funny but just thinking about them eyes makes me happy.... I'm soooo bad. This was supposed to be my goddamn serious blog and all I'm writing about are my silly little crushes and my silly little dark thoughts. Ah well! Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts! WooHooo. Oh boy. Man I'm about to jump off some big edge and I don't even want to think about it. Breaaaaaaaathe. Breaaaaaaathe. Lol. :) (0) Comments

Posted: 7/3/2007 9:17:10 PM

Last night of freedom shouldn't have such dark thoughts sadly

This all feels too much to handle right now. I had enough stress without this and without them trying to shove something down my throat that I don't want to swallow. I can do this on my own. Someway, somehow, I can do this on my own. My insides feel all muddied right now and I want to cry and its all so silly. Why can't things be easier? That's life hunny. I'm losing people so fast and yet I don't regain new ones in the process. I feel unrooted, ubalanced, and worst, buried in some dark oppressing solitude. I shouldn't, but I do and I can't help it. Just like I can't help the rest of my feelings, those unimaginable monsters. I try so hard and yet I can't please everyone. I can't make him understand that I need time to think this over and he keeps pushing and headbutting it at me and I'm drowning in some vortex of the decision he wants me to make and the answer he wants me to give. Well I can't. I need to sleep. Such bleak things come such a late time. (0) Comments

Posted: 6/30/2007 6:57:32 AM

I forgot how this felt, silly little thing

Woaaaah, this is crazy! Super crazy man. I hate having silly little crushes! They don't go anywhere fast, or anywhere at all more precisely. Especially this one. Especially this one! Love's supposed to trump all and I can feel it, but of course it isn't there, for him anywhere, and I'm just the silly little girl again. Man. I forgot how painful and time consuming and weird these little crushes were, I haven't had one... in gee, ages. It's funny to me. I can do circles around him, but I've no idea where its sprung from or why its there. Its undefinable, its untangible, and yet its there. It lurks beneath the eye of everything and yet the paradox is that its so palpable to everyone and it cannot be named. Naming's important, but its a hard thing to do, something extremely hard to do for some odd reason. I see all these sappy little movies and I wonder if anything is in store for me, ever. I try to imagine that someday it will, someday, sometime, and more than likely it will. A lonely life is unfathomable and I'm only what, heck, eighteen? Nearly nineteen, but that's beyond the point. I want somebody to share any kind of feeling with and I'm beyond the point where that can be shared with faimly or friend. It makes me a bit sad and a little hopeless, but I'm young still and I've my whole life ahead of me. So I keep my head up and my thoughts chipper still, but its still a funny, odd tugging at my heart, especially considering my past issues and now this persistant, silly little crush. Ok, perhaps its not silly, its rather intense and unrequited, which is the saddest thing of all, but there isn't anything I can do about that I suppose. I'm a coward at heart and I'm terribly afraid of rejection, which is perhaps the surest thing when it comes to me. I'm not overly pretty, I'm not overy thin-- or thin at all, really--, I'm not overly short, I'm not overly smart, or overly happy, or overly outward, or overly friendly, or overly funny, or overly outgoing or overly anything really... nothing special I'd say. Yes, rejection fears spin around my head at all hours of the day. But again, again with the chipper thoughts. One day I'll find someone. It won't be this little crush I think, it really won't, but there's something out there for me, somewhere. I just have to wait for it. This was rather random. And ultimately pointless and really not beneficial to anyone, but I need to write something. :) (0) Comments

Posted: 6/26/2007 1:42:09 AM

Smile like you mean it... I am! Mmm, hazel.

Oh man. The butterflies are back. I have a crush again, like the silly little girl I was last summer on the same guy. Oh boy! Man he makes me smile. Just the thought makes me smile. Damn I feel sappy. Man, I'm dreaming of hazel eyes again. Damnit! I hated the sappy, lovesick me of last summer. I'm a little older now though, more composed, and I don't fall apart around him. Now we actually have conversations. Yay conversations! Man he makes my day better. So does my boss. They're my boys at work lol. Though man, I love his eyes. And his hair. He has emo hair even though he's not emo. His hair's amazing. :) Damn sappy me! But hey, he makes me happy and not many people can do that. Woot. It'll never work though, ever. We're too varied in body types and no matter what anyone says, there has to be some physical attraction to keep a relationship and well, I'm sure I'm nothing to him. I'm bigger and he's super short and super small. But hey, that's ok man! He makes me happy without any of the attachments and I can just revel in the company and still get the little butterflies even though nothing will come out of it. :) This is Kim happy, something that rarely happens. Ah, he makes me smile. :) (0) Comments

Posted: 6/24/2007 5:05:47 AM

Coward

Coward. That's what I am, really, a coward. I had some grand thought to start this off with, it was with me all at work, but its disappeared into oblivion the moment I started. Of course it did. Somebody needs to invent something that transmits your thoughts into writing as you think them. My head flows too fast for me to keep track of everything I'm thinking. Fucking head. Coward. That's me. It's the only thing that can really describe what I am, in essence. Let's see. I guess you could substitute that with runner. I run. From everything that hurts me. Which, in my life, is a lot. Small gestures send me running away from things. One word spoken wrongly makes me think badly of myself. Badly of myself. that's a common one. Worthlessness. That fairly sums up my mentality of myself. Oh, wash, I'm not that shallow or that self-pitying of myself. But I feel it a lot. And all the time. With nearly anything. I have a syndrome of it. which also equals Coward. If i were stronger I would confront it. I would confront anything. But I run instead. Running's easier. I hate my job. I don't hate the job. And I don't hate the people. Well, perhaps I hate one person. Perhaps not hate but... well, I have never ever been a person to let things go. Well, the big things at least and I suppose you could argue it was a big thing. But I'm stuck with those bitterly bad memories and paralyzed by the past, present, and future, and its there every day except for the three days I'm off/don't work with said person. Bad, bad memories, and bad, bad feelings of that same worthlessness. Its a syndrome I tell you that. And well it makes me miserable. Far more miserable than I should be. But alas, it does, and nothing I do will make it better, of course. Because the problem's in me and I can't fix me. Sometimes I feel it would be better if I talked to someone, and told someone exactly what happened and exactly why I feel this way, because there are things I've not dared to say to anyone. Maybe explaining to someone would help me rationalize it all out in my mind. But why? I know exactly what they'd say and I know exactly that ultimately it would come back to me and my situation, which isn't changing because I'm too much of a coward to change it. There was a time when I could but its gone now, long gone, and I'm not brave enough to bring it back out again. What's the point? My problems are my own, they've always been my own, and I complain and I whine and I moan but nobody ever understands or hears or will ever hear why. I'm just not that type of person. I don't spill. I don't pour. I stay steady and i stay full and it stays inside, where its always been. that won't change. So why bother? Meh. Cowardly. Not just the job, of course, I had others in my head somewhere running around while i was doing dishes but they vanished with the bubbles. Sometimes I dream of what could have been and what i've done and how life will turn out for me but I can't see an end to it, and I can't see a coherent beginning either. I'm going to MCC next year like I've planned and I'll be living soewhere in Phoenix. which is better than here. Anything is better than here. I'm counting the days till I can get out. It's my home but.. well, I've never been one to be happy with anything for very long. Which is probably also cowardly and i could twist that in my head someway but i'd have to think about it some more. I had more to say, but I've lost all of it and I'm tired. Fawee. Yay for sleeping on the couch. *sigh* Heart you tell me to do stupid things and you make me feel stupid things as well and you're a stupid thing, you really are. I'm not listening to you next time you tell me to do anything. Gullible. That's me as well. Along with cowardly. I should get drunk. x.x Meh, but my most favorite people to get drunk with don't drink anymore. So so sad. Well. So uncheery. Ah well. Life's life. (0) Comments

Posted: 6/16/2007 6:11:36 AM

For some reason my heart hurts, but I don't know why damn

Sometimes I wonder and I don't know what I wonder. Work today was hard, not because the work or anything-- its fucking Taco Bell, its not rocket science though the braindead people i work with probably think it is-- but because of course the entire course of the day I was working with him and to bring along with him, her. It strikes me as odd and a little bit pathetic that I care about what happened so much still, even though in three months it will have been an entire year since said trespass against me did occur. Maybe I'm just being stupid, maybe I'm just being emotional, but I always knew that I was and I know that I am. I keep things bottled up inside of me and I don't tell anyone and so they fester like most things do and perhaps like most others, it won't leave my head. Maybe I'm not wrong in this but like I said, I've not told anyone around here what's happened and perhaps... well I don't know. Right. Well. I slept with this guy and we never talked about it and well, it's been said it was rape, and well, now we work together, along with his girlfriend. A very unapproachable situation that I really dislike and I really dislike working with them both. It makes my heart unhappy. The entire time I'm thinking about it and I wonder if she knows and I wonder if he even cares-- and then I remind myself that he probably doesn't-- and of course it bothers me why I care about it so much. It was a rather long time ago and I've not been able to let it go which makes me worried for my own mental sanity. Not that I'm never worried about it. *gasp* J/k. but really, it disturbs me that i can't let it go. I should be able to move on. It was a very long time ago and he's very obviously not let the thought of me stand in any way of his. Merph. I think about it constantly and I imagine scenarios in my head which aren't very helpful. when I was at school it neever bothered me so much, I was happy as a peach, buuuut now that I'm home-- and for a great large gap of three months on top of that-- and working at the same place, it's going to be on my mind everyday. Circumstances only dictate I find some way to deal with this lest I start chainsmoking. I smoke when stressed. This boy stresses/depresses me. Again, reasons unknown but it occurs. Hence my lovely cigarettes. I picture a long endless summer of smoking now. Not to mention the litany of sad songs I sing to myself at work now, and all the time, primary on the rotatin Chiodos and baby you wouldn't last a minute on the creek. very fitting this situation. I don't know. Everything's changed so much. I'd give so much to go back a year and do everything all over again. And perhaps the thing that gets me the most is if he even cares or even cared at one point in time, or if he brushed if off. To bring it up would sound well, stalkerish, and I don't know if I could deal with it anyway. Wouldn't be able to start the conversation up either. Just can't do it. Prolly help me, but of course it could hurt me. Perhaps at the end of the summer, when I disappear from here again for five months. Maybe then. Merph. I feel so weak for even feeling this way. Ah well. Life's life. (0) Comments

Posted: 6/3/2007 3:09:42 AM

I'm just a no good deal maker

So basically I've come to realize that my problems are twisted, moral problems that should have one clear, shiny solution but often times there is no clear, shiny solution. But I feel there should be and I feel that I should be doing the right thing, but for some reason, that right thing is clouded. It always is, I know, but somehow I feel that this one I should make a choice. Countless times I've learned that I can't make choice, I'm bad at them-- couldn't ever be a man that's for sure. But conflictions are in my head, in my heart, in my heart most of all, as well as worry. I'm torn. My friend screwed over my sister and my best friend, yes, but it was not her fault and now... I don't know, I hate being in the middle. i always am, it seems, in whatever I do in life. My choices, my decisions, the way I feel is sacrificed for keeping it inside me. And then I feel awful, I feel worthless and like I should be somehow shot. Somehow shot. Haha. Something should happen. I should make atonement for something somehow. I don't know. It's all mixed up inside my head which is sort of retarded. Again, I should be able to think clearly. Maybe I just need to put the blame on everyone, and maybe I need to choose a side. How do you choose a side amongst people who you love? I guess if it was easy they'd call it your mom. Oooh burn. Haha. Had to make myself laugh somehow. (0) Comments

Posted: 5/7/2007 7:39:01 PM

Grrr

I hate getting ditched and lied to. fyi. (0) Comments

Posted: 5/6/2007 1:52:26 PM

Stressstress *chirp*

Well, call it stress. Call it a very big heaping amount of stress. Let's see. Today wasn't so bad. did nothing. Talked to one of my best friends nearly all morning. Over the messenger of course, I cannot talk straight for hours and hours I've learned. An hour and a half is where I draw the line. So today wasn't so bad. Went to poetry class. Had my poem trashed and had my group barely critique it. Psh. Whatev, I know it sucked. Muwahaha. got my ears stretched. They are now sitting happily at an 8 guage with small tunnels. Woot. But anyway, back to that lovely stress part. Let's see, what's going on in my head at this moment to make me stop sleeping and eating? Well, a variety of things. Mostly things that are, in the larger scheme of the world I suppose, considered stupid. Right. Well one. Le summer. Oh summer, how you are supposed to be looked at fondly and with want. But not this summer. I dread returning from college and having to live at home. Nobody really undertsands how much freedom I have now and how much it will be squashed upon returning to that very dark place. Let's see, for material possessions, the room is smaller than.... oh, well, let's say normally a nine year old girl lives in it. For three months they expect two eighteen years old females to be squeezed into that small face. I can hardly stand it for a week. well, ok, that's a whine. I suppose I will sum up by merely saying that living at home, for any matter of time, crushes my spirit. Whereas I'm free as a little blue bird up here not so down in dear Tucson. A very sad affair I have to admit to myself. I'm more depressed down there than anywhere. And people think I'm joking when I say I will never move back. Psh. You've not lived my life children. Second stress, let's see.... ah, SMW. Not that anyone really needs or cares to know, its a wolf roleplaying site, a very popular one at that. I be an admin, along with three others. Currently under seige from a hacker which is tearing us apart. And me. I hardly sleep. I argue constantly with one member of the admin taem or another. Well, specifically only two, but whatever the case, its stressing me out. I'm constantly on my toes looking at my phone seeing if I'm needed. Which I mistakenly was this morning and nearly broke my ankle jumping out of bed rushing to my computer. Still swollen. Very very very fuckin nice. but anyway. its stressing me out. Ladeda. And thirdly.. ah.... tired. sleep. Is something i've come to realize I don't have. five hours at the most, and the days I think i'll get alot of it, somebody snatches it away, this morning for exaple, and while I'dl ike to think that tomorrow I will be allowed to sleep past eight somehow I doubt that will occur, because some emergency is bound to trundle up. *sighs* Annoying. Annoying. I'm sure this is bad for my body, but hey, everything I do is bad for my body, so psh on that. Causes of stress. I have my good moments and bad moments. Oh, and my parents are an hour away this weekend and won't come see me because of the "gas prices." Lovely. Now mark me a sap or mark me weak or mark me anything you'd like, your world, not mine, but that makes me feel wholly unloved. Plus my good friend has ditched me entirely. For OTHER friends. Now if she ditched me for, oh say, a boy, or oh say, anything, then it wouldn't bother me as much. But oh, she's cancelled two lunchdates which were an incovenience to me to go hang out with her "other friends." Now to someone else, they might get pissed, but perhaps they wouldn't take it as hard as I am. But alas, my mind doesn't let it go and twists it around to more worthless feelings I carry around inside my head, per usual. But other than that... sure. Life's great. Went on a cleaning spree today. Nice. My diet consists of pepperonis and cheese. Also nice. *sigh* Life is washing down the tubes lately, but it'll pick up again, always does. ^^ My music and my friends-- well, the ones who aren't *gasp* bitches-- will get me through. *smiles* Always always And its fuckin cold in here. Grrr. (0) Comments

Posted: 4/19/2007 2:55:29 AM

Meh, loss is overrated

I feel lost. I can't adequately or properly explain it. I feel like I've lost something, someone, very dear to me, and I feel like its all my fault. I know its not true, but whatever was there, whatever was bonding, is gone now and I feel lost. It brings up to my mind of why I don't get attached to anyone, or why I enjoy living up here, in college, four hours away from my closest friend. Sure, I have friends, a fair few up here, but they are some I will miss, however, not a lot. Make sense? Figured not. In any case, I have my friends in Tucson-- those I adore, love, and woul die here. Up here? Not so. And I've purposely made it that way. I decline invites, I walk away from human contact, and I hide in my room, behind my computer, behind the fantasy worlds I create inside my mind, in my stories and in the television. I lose myself completely. And I don't mind it, which is, to some, perhaps the scariest thing. Shying from human contact sounds like a phobia, but somehow to me its not, its just... rather difficult for me to make friends and keep them outside the realm of forced contact. The dearest friends I have right now I have because we were forced to work togheter, or plan together for years. so I suck at making friends, alas. A lot of people do. But it kind of bothers me, because I consider myself smart and relatively humorous. I don't bite people's head's off, I hide, I play nice, I don't offend-- so why? Perhaps because I fear, something that I can't help. Fear what? I don't know. Maybe from being picked on a kid, from not having a father who told me who loved me, who verbally and emotionally abused me-- maybe those are the roots. I can't help but look at my father as a root of those problems, both of them. From what I inherited the value of worthlessness. The value of unknowing. The value of thinking that I wasn't loved and that I had been cast to the wayside like a bit of something hot, or something disgusting and from the other, that same sense of worthlessness, only this time tripled with the sense of never being good eough, in anything. With that sense of never hearing it was ever good enough, of being screamed at for crying, of being treated like a child, of being screamed at period. Of being verbally thrashed again and again and have it put into my head that nothing I did was right, ever. From there, I think I can find the roots of my almost non-existant self-esteem and the utter worthlessness I always seem to feel, and how I'm alright with that. It bonds to the fact that I will settle for less, but that's a whole different story fueled by a whole lot of different reasons. In my head I will find myself alright, but at other times I find it almost impossible to believe that anything I do is good enough, even when I know I am good enough. I cant' think of particular circumstances, but I know there have been times when I have been pushed to the background when something I was good in has come up, and I've let it slip past me. My own fault of course. Everything's my own fault. Which kind of goes to the "emo" notions, but again, another blog, another time and another space. My lack of a social life depresses me sometimes. My time is divided between class, my computer, and work. I just can't keep friends and then when I do, I am terrified of hurting them and when I think I have, I shut myself in. I do that an awful lot, shut myself in and tell no one how I feel even though my heart screams for release. yet another blog for another time, as I've gone in circles about circles about circles in my head of why I cannot bring myself to tell anyone, or have ever brought myself to tell anyone, what I truly, honestly, completely feel. In any case, I feel lost. Like I've lost someone, like what we've had has vanished, or at least withered, at least a little, and it scares me like no other. If I ever needed anything to survive this void I call my life, I need him. (1) Comments

Posted: 4/15/2007 11:55:41 PM

Oh obsession

I can't see to stop writing, for some reason now that I have an outlet things are going flowy flowy. ^^ It'll wear off tomorrow more than likely, which is probably for the better. I had a few religion things I posted up earlier today but I took those down after consideration, seeing as they weren't fully developed and could probably be taken as ignorant, something I hate to be seen as, always. But right now I think my attention got wavered by something that is always bothering me. Its this lttle bitty thing called obsession and its been lingering in my head. You see, the powers of this certain thing have been scaring me for some odd reason I can't tell. I get obsessed over thing very easily. Or rather, they get stuck in my head and they will not remove themselves from it. Lately its been my oh so lovely fanfic stories. There was a good reason I stayed away from fanfics after I lost the ability to write them anymore. They zap my creative juics, they zap my energy, and I'm going back to the way I used to be years ago: mindless and constantly creating storylines in my head. Its very.... exhausting. More than anything that proves to me I'm a writer. when I can't go a single hour without reverting back to my characters and immersing myself in their oh so beautiful problems then I know I'm either a writer or crazy. I choose to weight on the side of the former, as the latter would probably scare me. :p But yea, I do get obsessed with things very easily. At least, I devote my energy and time to. It will suck the lifeforce from me and then it will vanish. Its a very annoying thing. Its why I can't delve back into the mysticism/alien/paranormal shit I used to be fascinated in. I just can't, I'll get obsessed and read and read and read until my eyes bleed. Today I was watching a documentary about aliens. I had to turn it off because I was just itching to head to my computer and start pouring over stuff I could find. I wish I could get that interested in my classes. :P Or soething more useful as least. I was learning how to code--last two days. I was able to be a rather advanced table and then gave up. I don't remember how I made it, wish I did. Same with photoshop. I want to start using it again and expierment, but I get lazy when it comes to this. I wish I could get obsessed with it. Things I make come out half decent at best, shoddy at their worst, and my best piece of work I did is lost on file forever. My MCR collage. Haha, loved that thing. Have a paper copy at least. ^^ But anyway, obsession. Turning away from interests, turn toward a person. Aha, which person. Nobody will know. its a person I won't have, ever, of course, its not in the stars unfortunately, but it doesn't matter. And its not obsession in the form of... oh say, I will stalk, its obsession in the form of Oh, I cna't live without you, think more of me. Rather unhealthy it is, it makes me crazy. I think I'm just crazy and unwell and everything. Lol. Times like these make me think so. (1) Comments

Posted: 4/15/2007 4:21:58 AM

All for the attention ain't it?

"Its all for the attention." Its something I have to think upon further, because its been bugging me forever. I hear it, said about me, because well, apparently what i do to my body is equivilant to something of a "shock jock" affect. I'm referencing the three tattoos I've gotten and the five piercings I've put in my face in the nine months since I've turned eighteen and was able to legally do this. I've heard it many times, and I have to admit, its gotten to me. I can't break free and claim I do it to be an individual because, let's face it, piercings and tattoos are becoming a widespread popular trace. There's some statistic that I can't exactly remember that states a very large number of peope in the world will at least get one tattoo. Its hardly an uncommon thing. So if its not to be an individual, then what is it? Why did I do this to my body? Because I want it. Why the piercings? Why my tattoos? I find my tattoos a bit easier to explain, because its something that I want, taht I've designed, that is a part of me. I find that easier to accept. So why the piercings? I know they'll be gone in a matter of years, months even. and yet i continue to waste my time and money on them and I enjoy them immensely. There's still not any real reason why I put these holes in my face. I wanted it. Isn't that reason enough? Its reason enough for me, and yet I hear people tell me this, and it worms a deep suspicion into my heart. Did I do it for the attention? And does it amtter in the long run? Does it really. No answer really. (0) Comments

Posted: 4/15/2007 3:24:38 AM

Why HELLO

Well, I really wasn't looking for anywhere to put my blogs at, since myspace was a happy medium it appeared. Of course, all the blogs I wrote, the serious ones at least, I smushed behind the cover of "diary" so that only I could see them. Myspace, and my myspace friends, aren't exactly the audience intended for those oh so serious blogs. Here, at least, I can post them and at least someone else can see them. i'm not a comment whore, I hate those types of people-- well, not hate, but to me writing has always, and should always, be for yourself. If you inspire someone along the way, hooray. For me its about at least getting thoughts out there and all that endlessly repeated and paraded jazz. So yea, at least someone can see. And maybe I can provoke thoughts. woohah, that would be kool. But anyway, I suppose I should write here who I am and all that, in case anyone does decide to look at me a bit more closely, at this blog I should say, not I in particular. My name's Kim, I'm a freshman at Norther Arizona Univerisity, studying English and Secondary education. Yes, amazing isn't it? I live in a dorm, have friends, am very into music, and love photography. I'm saving money for my DSLR at the moment, so yea... hopefully I can make more progress on that front. I admin a wolf roleplaying site called Silver Mountain Wolves. yes, lame, but its amazing so shush you all. That's it for now. Nothing too awe-inspiring. Huzzah. (0) Comments

Posted: 4/14/2007 5:34:47 PM