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fevpc4td
Member Since: 11/20/2008 6:05:12 PMLast Seen: 12/21/2008 8:53:06 PM
About Me
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Posted 12/21/2008 8:52:41 PM
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Posted 12/17/2008 5:15:55 PM
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Posted 12/17/2008 5:15:33 PM
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Posted 12/15/2008 9:09:54 AM
Fuck....It's finally Friday. This week has gone by so slowly. Don't know exactly what is going on as far as weekend plans go. Want to go out tonight, probably will, if not, then tomorrow night. I am fundraising this weekend for Team Othelloand the Change Bandits. Hopefully I will run across more generous people than I have been dealing with. I am going to make posters to take with us, so that they can see the cause, and that we are doing it in Othello'shonor. We want to do sweet angel baby proud! Jen will be on 95.1 for the Radio Thon at 1:20 p.m, so everyone listen. She will be telling Othello's story, and I know she needs the support from everyone. Things at home are great. It's been a rough week for Lee. He's been working 5-6 hours a day at UPS, then working 11 p.m. - 7 a.m this week at the WB. For the next week, starting tonight, he will be working 11 p.m. - 11 a.m at WB. Then Monday - Friday, he works days at UPS. Poor baby. He looked absolutely beat last night. We went to bed at 10 last night. I think I aced my math exam on Wednesday. I was so worried about doing well, but once I got to class, sat down, and started working the problems, I was comfortable. Got 100 on my homework notebook, and I was the only person in my class to do that. Go me. I'm a nerd. I'm talking to
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Posted 12/10/2008 6:22:40 AM
I am still having issues coping with the loss of my baby/pregnancy. It has been 8 months now, and I thought I was getting past the emotional breakdown part. But it has come back around. I guess from seeing everyone we know having children, and not being able to. Don't know why it chose today of all days to haunt my mind again. I had the dream again last night. I am at a restaurant with Lee, and my sister Melody. I look to Lee and then I say something is wrong. He takes me to the hospital. The doctor says that I have to have the baby, NOW, at only 4 1/2 months. They take me into surgery for a C-section, and I am hysterical. The held me down, and forced the anesthesia mask on my face. When I wake up, I am crying, and in a big empty room with 1 window. I get up to look out, and the view is blank, like there is nothing outside. I start to run through the hospital looking for Lee, and my baby. A nurse with a black dress on says that he is down the hall at the nursery. I run frantically to reach him. Once I get there, he is crying, holding the her, the baby Ava Grace. I ask to hold her, and he wouldn't let me. He says, "Baby, you can't have her." They won't let us have her, she is not going to live. I then start screaming at him to give her to me. He reluctantly hands her over to me. She's so tiny, so very small. So small that she fits cradled in my hands. And she is beautiful, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. With her daddy's baby blue eyes, and my blonde hair. She smiles at me, then I tell her that I won't let them take her away. Her smile starts to fade...Then she is no longer moving, or breathing. I panic and start to run. Lee and the nurse are running behind me, trying to catch up. I am screaming at them, "You have to do something", "Please don't do this to me"....I stop running and look down at her, and she is gone, no longer alive. Lee approaches me, to take the baby from me. I tell him, "It's okay, I will keep her just like this." Lee shakes his head yes, and we pack up our things and leave. Then it cuts to us visiting family, and I am still carrying this dead baby in my hands. I just tell everyone she is my angel. And then I am awake...in tears......I have been having this dream since the time that I lost the baby. I just want it to stop. I wrote this...A part of me has died, it was the piece that made me be.Looking through these tears,I think could I have prevented the loss?Sworn I would not return here,the deed is done, it's out of reach.But every step that I make just takes me down this path.Promised myself, I'd make it through this but nothing fills this void.When hope is lost, all you have is hate.This is my cross to bear.All this time that I thought I was strong,now I know that I was wrong.Buried beneath my own fears, I make my final wish.To see beyond the tears and to live beyond the tears.A part of me died with her.It was the piece that made me be.Looking through these tears,I think could I have prevented the loss.
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Posted 12/10/2008 6:22:23 AM
I am still having issues coping with the loss of my baby/pregnancy. It has been 8 months now, and I thought I was getting past the emotional breakdown part. But it has come back around. I guess from seeing everyone we know having children, and not being able to. Don't know why it chose today of all days to haunt my mind again. I had the dream again last night. I am at a restaurant with Lee, and my sister Melody. I look to Lee and then I say something is wrong. He takes me to the hospital. The doctor says that I have to have the baby, NOW, at only 4 1/2 months. They take me into surgery for a C-section, and I am hysterical. The held me down, and forced the anesthesia mask on my face. When I wake up, I am crying, and in a big empty room with 1 window. I get up to look out, and the view is blank, like there is nothing outside. I start to run through the hospital looking for Lee, and my baby. A nurse with a black dress on says that he is down the hall at the nursery. I run frantically to reach him. Once I get there, he is crying, holding the her, the baby Ava Grace. I ask to hold her, and he wouldn't let me. He says, "Baby, you can't have her." They won't let us have her, she is not going to live. I then start screaming at him to give her to me. He reluctantly hands her over to me. She's so tiny, so very small. So small that she fits cradled in my hands. And she is beautiful, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. With her daddy's baby blue eyes, and my blonde hair. She smiles at me, then I tell her that I won't let them take her away. Her smile starts to fade...Then she is no longer moving, or breathing. I panic and start to run. Lee and the nurse are running behind me, trying to catch up. I am screaming at them, "You have to do something", "Please don't do this to me"....I stop running and look down at her, and she is gone, no longer alive. Lee approaches me, to take the baby from me. I tell him, "It's okay, I will keep her just like this." Lee shakes his head yes, and we pack up our things and leave. Then it cuts to us visiting family, and I am still carrying this dead baby in my hands. I just tell everyone she is my angel. And then I am awake...in tears......I have been having this dream since the time that I lost the baby. I just want it to stop. I wrote this...A part of me has died, it was the piece that made me be.Looking through these tears,I think could I have prevented the loss?Sworn I would not return here,the deed is done, it's out of reach.But every step that I make just takes me down this path.Promised myself, I'd make it through this but nothing fills this void.When hope is lost, all you have is hate.This is my cross to bear.All this time that I thought I was strong,now I know that I was wrong.Buried beneath my own fears, I make my final wish.To see beyond the tears and to live beyond the tears.A part of me died with her.It was the piece that made me be.Looking through these tears,I think could I have prevented the loss.
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