Cableguy Diaries Chapter 2 - Mechanical Genius

Cable technicians are definately better than the postal service. They advertise snow, sleet, rain, and hail...........Well....yeah...we do that....and much more. I drive between 30 - 40 miles to work....never actually checked...but I know it's in that range. Then from my office, I drive all day to the different houses. And of course, back home again at the end of the day. With that being said, you can guess that's alot of wear and tear on the vehicle. It's expected...you just do the best you can, get the van/truck fixed when things go wrong. I've been thru about 5 vans since I started working for this company again. My supervisors groan when they hear that I'm switching out to another van........because they know that within 15 minutes, I'll be calling someone to tell them what a piece of shit it is. Hey, what can I say? Give me something that works! I'm gonna tell you what's wrong with the truck.........the sooner the better. Makes sense, right? Over the last couple days...one of the supervisors have been taking a ton of vans to and from the shop...apparently they all have heat problems....as in...they dont have it. My van, (which, I'd believe is the best van in the fleet.....and of course it took alot of yelling about pieces of shit to get it..........and trust me, that one was too...but I made them put it in the shop twice.) has no heat...so I had to switch out to another van while they took it in to get the heat fixed. I switched into a van that supposedly just had the heat fixed........and...surprise, it did! The radio is junk tho...and the truck idles badly....probably needs a rotor adjustment.............damn piece of shit! *blinks* Oh, sorry.....you're not my boss...I"ll save the bitching. lol Anyway, so I"m going about my route doing my jobs...and I forget that I was told the side door (sliding door) didnt open.......of course on MY van...all the doors work. So, I"m at this job, and I go to the side door and start to open it....doesn't go....so I give it a good tug..........and WTF???? There I am doing the "dont fall on me toes" shuffle avoiding the damn sliding door that just came off the truck........I dont mean that it fell off a hinge and it was hanging there...........I mean the door was on the ground and I still had the handle in my hand! For the love of......................... So, I call my boss......you know what he tells me? PUT IT BACK ON! He further goes on to describe how I can't do the rest of my route without the side door......... *blinks*......*scratches head*........ Dude......fucking bring me a truck, man. He says he doesn't have anyone available...do the best I can...... So...with a shrug I pick up the door...and shove it back on the truck! After a few test tugs..........(nothing major, mind you).........it seemed the door was staying on. So...off I went. So.....the moral is...the next time your cableguy is late........ask him if his sliding door fell off. (0) Comments

Posted: 3/27/2006 6:25:07 PM

Cableguy Diaries: Chapter One - Soccer Mom's from Hell

It is with great annoyance and displeasure that I must inform you good people of the destructive force sweeping across our nation. So righteous are we, as a people, that we must stand against this rising tide of eeeeevvvviiiilllllllll. During the daytime, I'm a mild mannered Cableguy....but once the skies darken and children are herded into their homes, I don my alter ego....that of a Seeker of All-Things-That-Are-Wrong in this world. Recently in my travels I have come across a menace so terrible that we must band together to defeat it. You cannot reason with these beasts, no intelligence can be found behind their steely eyes. All you can do is back away and leave a wide berth as they pass on...their feverish stares and frothing mouths are adequate notification that they are on their way to the................. Soccer Field. That's right....you heard me correctly....This rising tide of putrification that must be squashed is none other than your neighborhood Soccer Mom from Hell!!! Ok, look....check it out..... I'm just your mild mannered cableguy arriving to do his job...*snickers*........I get to the address...it's a new install...so, I"m guessing about an hour or so that I'll be there....and I was right. The job itsself went just fine, no probs. I'm leaving the house and I see the neighbors across the street piling into a van. I noticed the kids in the yard earlier as I pulled up, curbside in front of the residence I was to work at. So, as I'm walking towards my truck... The van begins to back out of the driveway...I see it moving slowly, jerking as the woman continually steps on the brakes.....she's out in the road now, still pulling out straight, instead of turning her wheel..... Ahh...there she goes...she starts to turn her wheel. I notice the distance of these people's other car, along the curbside...plenty of room for her to put it in drive and continue on her way.... Does this happen? What do you think? Would I have a story to tell if this was a SMART lady? With only 2 feet distance to my truck, which, I might add she could not possibly have missed, since it had been parked in the same spot for an hour..... She's stepping on the brake again...so I think...cool.........nope, not cool...I knew it. I managed to yell at the same time the lady hit the gas one more time.......right into my truck. She gets out of the van, and looks at my truck like she can't imagine how it got there. "Lady, what the hell you doing? There was plenty of room for you to put it in drive and go on" "What are you doing? You can't park there!".... huh? The fuck I can't.... "What you mean I can't park there? I've been there for an hour" "Well, I'm calling the police!" "Ok, ma'am, you go right ahead and do that." She goes over and talks to her husband....then comes back and gives me a real dirty look and says, "Damn it....Now we have to take everything out of the van and put it in the car....You are making us late for the soccer practice." *blinks*.........*blinks*..........Soccer practice? WTF... "Soccer Practice? You just hit my truck lady.....and you're worried about getting to the soccer field?" "Well I wouldnt have hit it if you weren't parked there" "You're damn right lady....remind me not to park in the next state while you're driving in this one." So, she goes off in a huff....they package everything into the car.......a volvo, if I remember correctly.... She comes back and says... "The police are on their way, you better not go anywhere" *blinks*........ok...sorry, I shouldnt have done it.... *laughs in the dumb lady's face* "I'm not going anywhere.......you hit me." So, she goes up her driveway, grabs a lawnchair out of her garage and sits down..........I sit in my truck, have a smoke, crank some music..... I notice people walking by....she seemed to stop everyone of them, gesturing wildly towards me and my truck as she tells them the story of how my truck magically appeared behind her while she was backing out. I should be scared by now...after all....parking is a crime. So, after 1 1/2 hours, a police unit rolls up. She jumps up and runs out to the street...and loudly starts telling the man how she was backing out and hit me and I shouldnt be there and blah blah. So, the cop comes over...I didnt bother getting out of my truck...I"m smoking, listening to music...I"m comfortable...what the hell. He says, "Can I see your drivers license? Can you tell me what happened here?" "Well...I've been here for an hour, working in this house over here.....I come out of the house, cuz I finished the job...just in time to watch this lady back out of her driveway and into my truck." "So you weren't in the truck?" "No, I was inside the house, and just coming out. The truck has been here for an hour" "Ok, I'll brb." So, I have another smoke. After a few minutes, the cop gestures for me to come to his car.......so, I get out and go over there. "Here's your license. Here's the case number, in case you want to report to your insurance agency. Have a good day." "Thanks officer." The lady comes running up...."Where are YOU going?!?" "I'm leaving lady....this has made me late for my jobs" "You're not going anywhere, you wait right there!" The fuck I will, lady...... I get in the truck. I hear the lady arguing with the cop..... She's telling him, you're just letting him go? He can't park there! You need to do something. The cop is looking at the lady and says..."Ma'am, you hit him. would you really like me to do something?" The lady is all spitfire now....oh man she's turning into a puddle of lava.... She's having a meltdown.....as I drive away...all I heard was... "I'm late for the soccer practice and you're not going to do anything!" I laughed as I drove off.....onto my next job......... *sigh* (0) Comments

Posted: 3/27/2006 6:24:03 PM

Enemy of the State

I've had some email asking where I been and when am I going to write a new blog......... I'd like to apologize for being out of touch....I've been dealing with some issues. Nothing truly major. Blog, blog, blog..... I like to write, so I always have things rolling thru my mind. But let me tell you about a true incident that happened on my way to Houston over this holiday. New security in airports was implemented after the 9-11 attacks. And we're told that we should appreciate this, and we're told the MINOR delays will be of MAJOR benefit to us.........*blinks* The only benefit I saw is that I finally got out of Detroit....but what a time it was........ All my bags are packed Im ready to go Im standin here outside your door I hate to wake you up to say goodbye But the dawn is breakin Its early morn The taxis waitin Hes blowin his horn Already Im so lonesome I could die So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that youll wait for me Hold me like youll never let me go Cause Im leavin on a jet plane Dont know when Ill be back again Oh babe, I hate to go Theres so many times Ive let you down So many times Ive played around I tell you now, they dont mean a thing Evry place I go, Ill think of you Evry song I sing, Ill sing for you When I come back, Ill bring your wedding ring So kiss me and smile for me Tell me that youll wait for me Hold me like youll never let me go Cause Im leavin on a jet plane Dont know when Ill be back again Oh babe, I hate to go Now the time has come to leave you One more time Let me kiss you Then close your eyes Ill be on my way Dream about the days to come When I wont have to leave alone About the times, I wont have to say Oh, kiss me and smile for me Tell me that youll wait for me Hold me like youll never let me go Cause Im leavin on a jet plane Dont know when Ill be back again Oh babe, I hate to go But, Im leavin on a jet plane Dont know when Ill be back again Oh babe, I hate to go Words and music by John Denver So, it's 5am in the morning........I'm getting up and getting ready to leave, I only live 5 minutes from the airport.......so why should I be there 3 hours ahead of time, right? No worries.........I got this. (umm...heh...) My brother drives me.....I'm flying Delta......that's the LC Smith Terminal. *nods* My brother drops me off at the LC Smith Terminal...we shake hands..cuz you know...we're not from Kentucky...no masterful inbreeding going on in this family......and he drives away. I proceed to take my bags into the terminal.....I set them down and then begin looking for the Delta counter....Now, I've flown plenty of places.....I love to fly........and I'm telling you that Delta was always in the LC Smith Terminal. Of course.....just like any 2 year old newspaper, my information was outdated. Guess that's what I get for living in New York. So, I grab my bags and walk allllll the way to the end of the "lobby" to find the delta counter.......then I walk alllll the way back to the other side....... I'm confused, I'm scratching my head now.......and then I see a security guard doing what security guards do best......standing there looking sharp, holding in his gut and hoping he looks as tho he could pass as a uniformed police officer and that he just made a personal choice to be an unarmed security guard. Because we all know that our fine police force is only there to pick up hot chicks by giving them and then "letting them out of" a ticket....while the real saviors of our city are the unarmed uniformed security guards that left their doughnuts in the breakroom. I'm serious.......have you ever watched National Security? *nods* Damn Skippy..........ok...where was I....... Oh yes, so I go up to this fine example of security and ask him....Where is Delta.... "Delta is in the McNamara Terminal, housed with NorthWest" *blinks* Dude, did you spike your coffee with a cinnimon glazed doughnut? Delta has always been in the LC Smith Terminal.......... Ok ok.....Look, Dude......what's the fastest way to get there. "Go down the stairs and to the left, you'll see the exit doors......go to the left and you'll see the terminal bus pickup" Thank you......you're a fountain of information and an upstanding security guard.......oh here, you have some white powder on your collar...... So I go downstairs and to the left..........and run into the wall........ No I didnt...gotcha.........cuz when I was going downstairs i saw the exit doors to the right......yeah...a verifiable fountain of information... So, I go outside and I see no terminal transport busstop. So, I'm thinking, shit.........I look at the time.....ti's now 6am......my flight leaves at 630am. I call my brother........Dude you dropped me off at the wrong terminal!! Come back. "No I didnt, you said LC Smith Terminal" Wait...who is the older brother here? I'm just the little guy..since when you start listening to me? lol....... :P Anyway, my brother comes back and we go to the other terminal...which, of course, Delta was there...it didnt have time to avoid me again. So, I drop my bags and head towards the counter.....E ticket and all......paperless.......in and out.......woohoo..... Some guy that barely speaks english stops me....... Hello...What can I do for you? (please, this is text, so I can't portray the comical aspect of this portion properly........imagine an East Indian accent.......Thanks!) I said, nothing, I just wanna check in, so I can get on my flight. "Can I see your confirmation please?" Here ya go, Dude........Hey...is it against Airport policy for you to wear a towel on your head?......Just wondering..... "I am sorry, Sir......you are too late.......you have missed your flight" The fuck? What you mean.......it leaves at 638am and it's only 6am right now..... "Yes, I know, Sir...but I am telling you that it is a long walk from here." Dude, you haven't seen me walk..... "I dont know what to tell you, Sir....Security states two hours minimum from Check In to Boarding Gate" 2 hours? It is not going to take me two hours to walk from here to a gate. "I am sorry, Sir......all I can say is you have missed your flight.......there are black phones at the end of the counter, pick one up....someone will be answering and you can explain to them" *sigh* So, I go pick up the black phone.......or hmm...maybe it was maroon, I dunno. I talk to some lady after a few minutes of holding..... I explain my situation and how some East Indian guy managed to have more security clearance than I did just told me I missed a flight which hasn't left yet. **Twilight Zone Spot** Greg Wendland has just entered Detroit Metro Airport........doodoodoodoo doodoo doodoo........ So, she begins to find me an alternate flight.......and I tell her....to make it quicker, there is another flight leaving at 830am..... "Why, you're right...there is!" *smirks* So, she gives me another flight at the considerable cheap cost of......25.00 for changing your flight plans...... Dude.....did I change my flight plan? This guy over here left his elephant in the parking lot just to come in here and tell me I missed my plane......wtf So, my brother gives me the money and off he goes again. This time, I actually got past the counter and headed to the security gate. *What a fine time to leave me, Lucille..... 4 hungry children and the crops in the field* yes yes, I know...I like music, ok? So, I clean out my pocket and put my bags on the conveyor.....I walk thru the gate.......no alarms, beautiful..... So my bags come thru the machine and I start to pick them up......one is missing. I look and I see someone bent over looking in the machine......then they call someone else over...... I hear them say they think it's a laptop....... It is a laptop, I say....... Then the lady calls one of the security guards over and says......we got a laptop here. *blinks* Yes, I've got a laptop......this is a big deal in a computer age? So the guard takes my laptop and says "come with me, Sir"........ So, I saunter over to the counter and he says....We'll have to check thru your bags, make sure everything is ok......just standard procedure. *nods* No problem, Go right ahead..... So he looks thru my bags.....nothing wrong........ Then he opens the laptop bag and begins explaining...... I just have to look and make sure this is a laptop....everything should be fine. *nods* He gets out these swabs... and wipes down my laptop...then he gets another one and wipes down the laptop case. He puts the swabs in some kind of machine and an alarm goes off...... He steps back and puts his arms behind his back, standing straight as if something just became official. *Great.......* Another man walks over....presumably a supervisor. He starts asking questions, looks at the computer attached to the machine and opens a binder with some technical jargon in it. The first guard begins to tell him what he did, his procedure, etc..etc... The supervisor then says, test it again.......so, the guard redoes the process....they put them in the machine and no alarm goes off.... The Supervisor then walks away. The guard starts packing my shit up again and says, sorry about that. You're free to go. I said.....Wait...what happened here? "Oh, your laptop case tested positive for traces of explosives" *blinks* *blinks again* Ummm....... Dude..... "You're ok now...not sure why it did that....nothing came up on the second scan" Ok, well that's good to know........I should probably appreciate your ability to find explosives.......but I'm not quite ready to blow up the country yet. The guard laughs and tells me to have a nice day..... It is then that I gather my things and as I head towards my gate, I see this big sign that says.........any jokes or negative references towards airport security will result in your arrest....... Hmmm........ I needed to find a smoking area..... After that, the trip was mainly uneventful..... God Bless Airport Security....*smirks* (0) Comments

Posted: 3/27/2006 6:19:57 PM