Usotsuki
Profile
What about me? umm.. tehre's nothing, really.
I barely even exist.
Age: Not provided.
Age: Not provided.
Gender: M
Location: US, NJ
Blood Type: Very red, thick and tasty.
E-mail: Just ask..
Languages: Russian (primary), English, Japanese (currently learning)
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January, 2007
December, 2006
November, 2006
October, 2006
September, 2006
August, 2006
July, 2006
June, 2006
December, 2006
November, 2006
October, 2006
September, 2006
August, 2006
July, 2006
June, 2006
Day
Posted 1/27/2007 10:56:37 AM
A weird morning. Same old.
The idea of making an appointment is still in my head. I will wait longer. Few more days. And since I could change my mind for some reason, i will wait few more days until I decide for sure.
I found that many doctors would not take me seriously. Only create more humiliation. So there was a suggestion that the best way is to just tell them exactly how things are, and if i see that we are not getting anywhere, the best way is to stop the discussion and ask for a referral.
College seems to go well, so far. I might even enjoy this semester! Maybe this will change some things.
And even though I liked the skiing part, the weekend spent at Catskill mountains was extremely boring. I wish someone who i know was there (besides my family).
Now I need to start cleaning my room and do regular saturday chores.
Posted 1/27/2007 10:56:37 AM
A weird morning. Same old.
The idea of making an appointment is still in my head. I will wait longer. Few more days. And since I could change my mind for some reason, i will wait few more days until I decide for sure.
I found that many doctors would not take me seriously. Only create more humiliation. So there was a suggestion that the best way is to just tell them exactly how things are, and if i see that we are not getting anywhere, the best way is to stop the discussion and ask for a referral.
College seems to go well, so far. I might even enjoy this semester! Maybe this will change some things.
And even though I liked the skiing part, the weekend spent at Catskill mountains was extremely boring. I wish someone who i know was there (besides my family).
Now I need to start cleaning my room and do regular saturday chores.
Change of plan maybe
Posted 1/26/2007 9:14:12 PM
depression.
why do I have to live with it? and why do i have to be ashamed of it? its not my fault and if there is a way then yes i should use anything that can to get rid of this problem.
it is such a burden. and i dont want to live with it for the rest of my life.
in this situation i can't be picky. i don't know of any other way to make it go away.
i guess a doctors appointment wont hurt.
after that the choice is up to me.
perhaps he'll send me to a psycho.
i found that these guys really know a lot about this stuff. even though i will still stick to my opinion that its always about money.
speaking about money i wonder how much the insurance will cover. cuz these guys don't joke when it comes to money talk..
though if i actually decide to go to my doc then i should definitely ask him how much this will cost me. he has an idea probably.
then if i decide to treat it, i bet i will be able to tell if it is working or not.
what do i got to lose?
though i wonder what my folks are going to think. since there's probably no way to get this without them knowing. and the psycho doctor will most likely somehow involve them.
so, it's either i live with it, or i try doing something about it.
and the other option wont come in handy anytime soon i hope.
Posted 1/26/2007 9:14:12 PM
depression.
why do I have to live with it? and why do i have to be ashamed of it? its not my fault and if there is a way then yes i should use anything that can to get rid of this problem.
it is such a burden. and i dont want to live with it for the rest of my life.
in this situation i can't be picky. i don't know of any other way to make it go away.
i guess a doctors appointment wont hurt.
after that the choice is up to me.
perhaps he'll send me to a psycho.
i found that these guys really know a lot about this stuff. even though i will still stick to my opinion that its always about money.
speaking about money i wonder how much the insurance will cover. cuz these guys don't joke when it comes to money talk..
though if i actually decide to go to my doc then i should definitely ask him how much this will cost me. he has an idea probably.
then if i decide to treat it, i bet i will be able to tell if it is working or not.
what do i got to lose?
though i wonder what my folks are going to think. since there's probably no way to get this without them knowing. and the psycho doctor will most likely somehow involve them.
so, it's either i live with it, or i try doing something about it.
and the other option wont come in handy anytime soon i hope.
Breathe.
Posted 1/21/2007 6:59:32 PM
Sunday 001.021.007 1832h
My hands are getting unbearably itchy. And taking photos of my sisters and sketching people from pictures can no longer cure the itch (I wonder if it ever really did).
All I want is someone who could just give themselves to myself, so I would have a complete control of the subject without almost any hesitation.
Someone who could try to think what I think.
(Lol. Now I am beginning to dream)
The possibility of me finding such person is very low (If possible at all). But I am never going to know if I don't try to find out.
I would love to have a subject with 'emo' personality. Their personality is just perfect.
Having a right approach to any, and especially emo, target subject is critical. I might have to work on my socializing skills (lol).
It is a fact that they try to stay away from the too preppy and the too 'ordinary' people and such..
They stick to their own kind (well, doh).
Also, this gives me yet another excuse to create some kind of a more neat-looking 'portfolio' than what I currently have. Most of my sketches and photos of people are scattered around who knows where..
Which is also an excuse to clean up my room.
Ughh.
...
Tomorrow I'm back to college from my break.
A convenient time to start breathing.
...But can I make it?
Stay tuned to find out.
_________________________________________________
Listening to: "Life is Wonderful" by Jason Mraz
Posted 1/21/2007 6:59:32 PM
Sunday 001.021.007 1832h
My hands are getting unbearably itchy. And taking photos of my sisters and sketching people from pictures can no longer cure the itch (I wonder if it ever really did).
All I want is someone who could just give themselves to myself, so I would have a complete control of the subject without almost any hesitation.
Someone who could try to think what I think.
(Lol. Now I am beginning to dream)
The possibility of me finding such person is very low (If possible at all). But I am never going to know if I don't try to find out.
I would love to have a subject with 'emo' personality. Their personality is just perfect.
Having a right approach to any, and especially emo, target subject is critical. I might have to work on my socializing skills (lol).
It is a fact that they try to stay away from the too preppy and the too 'ordinary' people and such..
They stick to their own kind (well, doh).
Also, this gives me yet another excuse to create some kind of a more neat-looking 'portfolio' than what I currently have. Most of my sketches and photos of people are scattered around who knows where..
Which is also an excuse to clean up my room.
Ughh.
...
Tomorrow I'm back to college from my break.
A convenient time to start breathing.
...But can I make it?
Stay tuned to find out.
_________________________________________________
Listening to: "Life is Wonderful" by Jason Mraz
Perfect harmony of both heart and mind.
Posted 12/19/2006 12:30:23 AM
That is one goal, which perhaps is the most impossible to achieve for me.
Ever heard your heart speak to you?
And then suddenly, realize that the mind tells you something else. With its logical assumptions and predictions.
And you fight with it. Telling yourself what is right and what is wrong.
And the mind wins.
?
And the heart cries.
__________________________________
My second semester is over.
Seems that it did not go too well. But i do not regret anything i have done and have not done. Because i have learned what i must and what must not do.
It is almost Christmas, and still no snow.
I want it to start snowing,... or raining.
I should rest now.
__________________________________
ah, and how could i forget my favorite website: http://www.steorn.net/forum/
Posted 12/19/2006 12:30:23 AM
That is one goal, which perhaps is the most impossible to achieve for me.
Ever heard your heart speak to you?
And then suddenly, realize that the mind tells you something else. With its logical assumptions and predictions.
And you fight with it. Telling yourself what is right and what is wrong.
And the mind wins.
?
And the heart cries.
__________________________________
My second semester is over.
Seems that it did not go too well. But i do not regret anything i have done and have not done. Because i have learned what i must and what must not do.
It is almost Christmas, and still no snow.
I want it to start snowing,... or raining.
I should rest now.
__________________________________
ah, and how could i forget my favorite website: http://www.steorn.net/forum/
November 30
Posted 12/1/2006 7:35:11 AM
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Hi!
I loved the conference in VA. It was amazing.
and I heard about her sister. me is happy for her!
i wanted to do that too, but i'm too weak against the devil. too sad.
yeah, it was nice seeing her again.
haha. and i just couldn't talk to her. cuz remember, i have a grudge against her ;p
..but actually, u know why I don't talk much? (i'll tell you my little secret..) Because if I would say what I think, before thinking twice about what I wanted to say, then people would say that I'm a rude, impolite, perverse, and a completely insane person. now, we don't want that, do we? Well, this world is such a rotten, rotten place. People are barely ever what they seem. And soon as you trust someone, the next thing you know- that person stabs you right in the back. nice, right? and the wound goes deeeep. and it takes more than just a bandage to heal. AHA! but then!, - there's God... But then, - there's mortal human beings made of flesh and bones with their tiny brains, who are incapable of keeping their mouth shut. aaaand then this goes right back to the beginning of what I'm trying to say.
ahaha.. i'm being sarcastic again. probably weather change. don't try to make any sense out of it. hmmphh.
k. i have my job interview tomorrow early morning.
Posted 12/1/2006 7:35:11 AM
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Hi!
I loved the conference in VA. It was amazing.
and I heard about her sister. me is happy for her!
i wanted to do that too, but i'm too weak against the devil. too sad.
yeah, it was nice seeing her again.
haha. and i just couldn't talk to her. cuz remember, i have a grudge against her ;p
..but actually, u know why I don't talk much? (i'll tell you my little secret..) Because if I would say what I think, before thinking twice about what I wanted to say, then people would say that I'm a rude, impolite, perverse, and a completely insane person. now, we don't want that, do we? Well, this world is such a rotten, rotten place. People are barely ever what they seem. And soon as you trust someone, the next thing you know- that person stabs you right in the back. nice, right? and the wound goes deeeep. and it takes more than just a bandage to heal. AHA! but then!, - there's God... But then, - there's mortal human beings made of flesh and bones with their tiny brains, who are incapable of keeping their mouth shut. aaaand then this goes right back to the beginning of what I'm trying to say.
ahaha.. i'm being sarcastic again. probably weather change. don't try to make any sense out of it. hmmphh.
k. i have my job interview tomorrow early morning.
Okay, dear diary... =__=;
Posted 11/8/2006 12:39:30 PM
Okay, dear diary,
in my last journal entry you didn't notice the hidden word "love"... but i can't blame you.
[i'm kind of.... back..]
But life gets even more confusing.
Well, in my attempts in becoming a normal human being, the following happened...
A girl. Yes. Obviously, things become complicated.
Well, i'm an idiot. As it is my nature, when i'm wondering about something, i just ask.
Yesss, i decided to tell her that i like her. Ofcourse, i was thinking "what if she says she doesnt like me", but then i thought "so what, it's not like the world is going to end"....
So, i did. and i got an unexpected response..
So, we went out. I took her bowling then ice skating. We talked. Not a lot, but we did talk.
I have no doubt this is getting somewhat serious...
I can't stop thinking of her. I wish I could be with her right now....I have a bad feeling about this...
Veeerry bad feeling.
I even wrote a poem!...OMG!!... i'm going mad!
-------------------------------------
Whenever i think of you.
My heart is starting to race,
So much, if only you knew...
For who. but i do not have a clue.
I wish i could feel, the warmth of your face,
Whenever i think of you.
Following by, following through.
Thinking all nights, thinking all days,
So much, if only you knew...
Violets are red, and roses are blue. (you know that it's true)
I want to forget, i want to erase,
Whenever i think of you
So much, if only you knew...
-------------------------------------
why is there regret in last stanza?
Posted 11/8/2006 12:39:30 PM
Okay, dear diary,
in my last journal entry you didn't notice the hidden word "love"... but i can't blame you.
[i'm kind of.... back..]
But life gets even more confusing.
Well, in my attempts in becoming a normal human being, the following happened...
A girl. Yes. Obviously, things become complicated.
Well, i'm an idiot. As it is my nature, when i'm wondering about something, i just ask.
Yesss, i decided to tell her that i like her. Ofcourse, i was thinking "what if she says she doesnt like me", but then i thought "so what, it's not like the world is going to end"....
So, i did. and i got an unexpected response..
So, we went out. I took her bowling then ice skating. We talked. Not a lot, but we did talk.
I have no doubt this is getting somewhat serious...
I can't stop thinking of her. I wish I could be with her right now....I have a bad feeling about this...
Veeerry bad feeling.
I even wrote a poem!...OMG!!... i'm going mad!
-------------------------------------
Whenever i think of you.
My heart is starting to race,
So much, if only you knew...
For who. but i do not have a clue.
I wish i could feel, the warmth of your face,
Whenever i think of you.
Following by, following through.
Thinking all nights, thinking all days,
So much, if only you knew...
Violets are red, and roses are blue. (you know that it's true)
I want to forget, i want to erase,
Whenever i think of you
So much, if only you knew...
-------------------------------------
why is there regret in last stanza?
So dark and cold...
Posted 10/27/2006 8:14:08 AM
No point in keeping a blog anymore.
The trust will be broken. The time will come to turn my back on everyone i know. Someone without a soul, without a heart, cannot coexist with those that do.
Farewell, friends.
Posted 10/27/2006 8:14:08 AM
No point in keeping a blog anymore.
The trust will be broken. The time will come to turn my back on everyone i know. Someone without a soul, without a heart, cannot coexist with those that do.
Farewell, friends.
Watch it!!
Posted 9/2/2006 7:12:46 PM
YouTube.com is cool! ^___^
Here's my little cartoon thing I drew:
:::CLick HeRE::::
Yeah, i put a russian background song "tak plachet vesna" translates as "That's how Spring(season) cries"
The "story" was acually inspired by the song..
though the video is a low quality. my original one is way better and doesn't get stuck at times as this one does >:(
so yeah!
btw, I was working on some other longer cartoons.. but i don't have enough inspiration to finish them D:
Posted 9/2/2006 7:12:46 PM
YouTube.com is cool! ^___^
Here's my little cartoon thing I drew:
:::CLick HeRE::::
Yeah, i put a russian background song "tak plachet vesna" translates as "That's how Spring(season) cries"
The "story" was acually inspired by the song..
though the video is a low quality. my original one is way better and doesn't get stuck at times as this one does >:(
so yeah!
btw, I was working on some other longer cartoons.. but i don't have enough inspiration to finish them D:
purpose
Posted 8/30/2006 12:44:56 PM
Yes, that word. It never stops bothering me. Even though I thought I knew my purpose for why I exist... I dont.
If this post is depressing and seems to you like I'm just asking for pity, but you still reading, I encourage you to stop. I don't need pity from anyone. All I want is to spill those thoughts of mine.
I don't think of myself as a human being. I've said this before.. I don't love, I don't hate. Behind every human, there's a purpose. There's something that drives them to the goal they set for themselves. In contrast, I don't have a goal. I may make things up, lying to myself, saying that I do have a goal... but in reality, I don't.
For the past week I hung out with my friends alot.. they are good friends, even my best friend is like a brother to me -- we talk about things that I wouldn't talk with other friends, we understand each other the most. And the thing is... I don't feel anything for them. How mean it would seem to them if they knew my thoughts. And how inhuman is it from my side.
Me..... whatever it is, I hate you for what a useless thing you really are. God only knows how I feel for this corrupted pathetic soul. Only God can help me.
Posted 8/30/2006 12:44:56 PM
Yes, that word. It never stops bothering me. Even though I thought I knew my purpose for why I exist... I dont.
If this post is depressing and seems to you like I'm just asking for pity, but you still reading, I encourage you to stop. I don't need pity from anyone. All I want is to spill those thoughts of mine.
I don't think of myself as a human being. I've said this before.. I don't love, I don't hate. Behind every human, there's a purpose. There's something that drives them to the goal they set for themselves. In contrast, I don't have a goal. I may make things up, lying to myself, saying that I do have a goal... but in reality, I don't.
For the past week I hung out with my friends alot.. they are good friends, even my best friend is like a brother to me -- we talk about things that I wouldn't talk with other friends, we understand each other the most. And the thing is... I don't feel anything for them. How mean it would seem to them if they knew my thoughts. And how inhuman is it from my side.
Me..... whatever it is, I hate you for what a useless thing you really are. God only knows how I feel for this corrupted pathetic soul. Only God can help me.
Little trip.
Posted 8/21/2006 4:16:44 AM
Just returned from my little trip to Washington DC... and I must say it's pretty shitty-looking for a capital city of USA. Swung by the central part and the Washington Memorial, and it's not too bad. But I still gotta go there at daytime, because it really is ugly at night...
..Or maybe I just wasn't in the mood. Yeah, that could explain it, kind of.
It's about a 3 hour ride from here.
Posted 8/21/2006 4:16:44 AM
Just returned from my little trip to Washington DC... and I must say it's pretty shitty-looking for a capital city of USA. Swung by the central part and the Washington Memorial, and it's not too bad. But I still gotta go there at daytime, because it really is ugly at night...
..Or maybe I just wasn't in the mood. Yeah, that could explain it, kind of.
It's about a 3 hour ride from here.
Youth Camp
Posted 8/19/2006 12:38:09 AM
Umm so yea, I was at camp in PA, near Pocono mountains. From August 11 to 13. It was cool. I took lotsa pics and made an online gallery.
http://www.pbase.com/atnon/camp
Arranged by Ukrainian Baptist Church youth. It was lots of fun and we didn't really want to leave.. ;__;
Posted 8/19/2006 12:38:09 AM
Umm so yea, I was at camp in PA, near Pocono mountains. From August 11 to 13. It was cool. I took lotsa pics and made an online gallery.
http://www.pbase.com/atnon/camp
Arranged by Ukrainian Baptist Church youth. It was lots of fun and we didn't really want to leave.. ;__;
Time.
Posted 8/7/2006 9:47:30 PM
The time has this very awful ability...
From the very first school grade, my mother signed me up for the musical school, which was 3-4 days a week and began right after my regular classes.
Seven very long years pass by and I have finally "graduated" the 7-year Piano school. I have a "B+" as the final grade. (my older sister finished on "A")
After my very final exam ended, I slapped the piano and stated before all the teachers, that were grading me, that I will never touch the piano again.
You may ask "why?".. well, because I never liked playing piano. I wanted to be an artist.
Six years fly by. I now live in the United States of America. One day I approach the piano, and try to play, because I want to know how badly my skills have rotted during all those years. The result was obvious: I'm back to my first grade of Piano School...
...and I like it.
Posted 8/7/2006 9:47:30 PM
The time has this very awful ability...
From the very first school grade, my mother signed me up for the musical school, which was 3-4 days a week and began right after my regular classes.
Seven very long years pass by and I have finally "graduated" the 7-year Piano school. I have a "B+" as the final grade. (my older sister finished on "A")
After my very final exam ended, I slapped the piano and stated before all the teachers, that were grading me, that I will never touch the piano again.
You may ask "why?".. well, because I never liked playing piano. I wanted to be an artist.
Six years fly by. I now live in the United States of America. One day I approach the piano, and try to play, because I want to know how badly my skills have rotted during all those years. The result was obvious: I'm back to my first grade of Piano School...
...and I like it.
More drawings..
Posted 8/6/2006 9:48:03 PM
This one was drawn a long time ago. The name is "Morning -- Three old crosses at dawn"
Posted 8/6/2006 9:48:03 PM
This one was drawn a long time ago. The name is "Morning -- Three old crosses at dawn"
Just Walk Away.
Posted 8/5/2006 1:28:23 AM
Finally found this picture...
Well, as for the mood, I feel like just walking away.
Model: My older sister.
Location: Ocean City.
Date: June 06, 2006, 7:42 PM
The story behind the picture was that my sister called me from Ocean City saying that her car got stolen. So I zoom through half the NJ state there just to find out that she "thought" she parked it on a 39th street, not 38th. Well, I had my camera in the car so we just took couple pictures on the beach. This picture was taken when we were walking back to our cars.
Posted 8/5/2006 1:28:23 AM
Finally found this picture...
Well, as for the mood, I feel like just walking away.
Model: My older sister.
Location: Ocean City.
Date: June 06, 2006, 7:42 PM
The story behind the picture was that my sister called me from Ocean City saying that her car got stolen. So I zoom through half the NJ state there just to find out that she "thought" she parked it on a 39th street, not 38th. Well, I had my camera in the car so we just took couple pictures on the beach. This picture was taken when we were walking back to our cars.
Thanks.
Posted 8/4/2006 2:44:54 PM
You kept my hopes high.
Yes, I am pathetic. I did judge the book by its cover. I did believe you. And I will not ask "why". There was a reason behind it, wasn't there...
But thanks, you made me smile. It was long forgotten by me, what it means to smile without frocing myself to.
Good bye, usotsuki.
Posted 8/4/2006 2:44:54 PM
You kept my hopes high.
Yes, I am pathetic. I did judge the book by its cover. I did believe you. And I will not ask "why". There was a reason behind it, wasn't there...
But thanks, you made me smile. It was long forgotten by me, what it means to smile without frocing myself to.
Good bye, usotsuki.
Fun night.
Posted 8/3/2006 2:31:33 AM
Some pictures. This time there were four of us ^___^
ok that's me on the right. Sam on the left and Slav in middle. Some random grave. It says "Krolikowski" (In Rusian it means "bunny's"). ahaha.
"I would gladly join you man, but life has much in store for me."
^__^V
We sometimes also go bowling until 1:30am (cuz that's when it closes) Sometimes go play pool.
note: during graveyard shots, no disrespect for the dead was meant ^^
Posted 8/3/2006 2:31:33 AM
Some pictures. This time there were four of us ^___^
ok that's me on the right. Sam on the left and Slav in middle. Some random grave. It says "Krolikowski" (In Rusian it means "bunny's"). ahaha.
"I would gladly join you man, but life has much in store for me."
^__^V
We sometimes also go bowling until 1:30am (cuz that's when it closes) Sometimes go play pool.
note: during graveyard shots, no disrespect for the dead was meant ^^
Sunday Night.
Posted 7/31/2006 12:34:53 AM
We did it again. The ride around the city on bicycles was very fun.
No cops this time stopped us though.. well, almost.
I'm not gonna tell everything, cuz lots of things happened.. but one of the best tihngs to remember was the ride around the cemetery -- pretty creepy. We walked around a little bit, just to creep us out a little more.
Then we witnessed a crime scene.....
1:00am... We were riding down the street and heared alarm noise from somewhere close ahead. When we got there, next to some kind of store, we saw some guy get in teh car and took off. The alarm siren was going all nuts. The door was wide open and broken glass all over at the enterance. I insisted on getting to teh door and checking it out, but my friend didn't want to get involved.. so we just left.
When we rode about 500 feet from there, we looked back and there was already a shitload of cops. Dang.
I so badly wanted to get busted, but my friend just was so stubborn. I mean, what would be the worst thing to happen?.. we'd get cuffed, trown in teh back of teh cop car and just sit in the cell until they figure out that the fingerprints at the crime scene do not match, and the security cameras would definitely prove us innocent. But as for us -- we'd have so much fun. A sure thing to remember.
But the night was still fun. ^____^
Posted 7/31/2006 12:34:53 AM
We did it again. The ride around the city on bicycles was very fun.
No cops this time stopped us though.. well, almost.
I'm not gonna tell everything, cuz lots of things happened.. but one of the best tihngs to remember was the ride around the cemetery -- pretty creepy. We walked around a little bit, just to creep us out a little more.
Then we witnessed a crime scene.....
1:00am... We were riding down the street and heared alarm noise from somewhere close ahead. When we got there, next to some kind of store, we saw some guy get in teh car and took off. The alarm siren was going all nuts. The door was wide open and broken glass all over at the enterance. I insisted on getting to teh door and checking it out, but my friend didn't want to get involved.. so we just left.
When we rode about 500 feet from there, we looked back and there was already a shitload of cops. Dang.
I so badly wanted to get busted, but my friend just was so stubborn. I mean, what would be the worst thing to happen?.. we'd get cuffed, trown in teh back of teh cop car and just sit in the cell until they figure out that the fingerprints at the crime scene do not match, and the security cameras would definitely prove us innocent. But as for us -- we'd have so much fun. A sure thing to remember.
But the night was still fun. ^____^
An answer.
Posted 7/30/2006 12:46:06 AM
For a very long time there've been a couple questions that I still seem to be unable to find an answer to.
They hit me about five years ago, right after we moved to USA. It was a brand new life for me. I was reborn. I was 14. Maybe during that "new life" stage, I found no answers. Thus, I moved on and only those unknown to me, remained unknown.
The first one that bothers me until today, is why do people hate each other? What is hate? Why is there hate in this world?
My problem could be, i figure, is that I have not yet been in a situation that made me actually hate someone.
I've been a little kid, and ofcourse there were times when I screamed at somebody,"I hate you". But I was only a kid.
Or is it just that I don't want to know what it really is... But if i DO figure it out.. I will then know what 'Love' is.. which is my next problem.
If I don't know Hate, then I can't know what Love is. Is there really anyone I love?
Let's say my parents or siblings for example... Question: do I love them?
Well, what a bummer -- I don't know. How is that possible? ...
Isn't that what makes us Human, being able to Love or Hate?
There's part of me that says, "you don't need to know".
I think I do.
Posted 7/30/2006 12:46:06 AM
For a very long time there've been a couple questions that I still seem to be unable to find an answer to.
They hit me about five years ago, right after we moved to USA. It was a brand new life for me. I was reborn. I was 14. Maybe during that "new life" stage, I found no answers. Thus, I moved on and only those unknown to me, remained unknown.
The first one that bothers me until today, is why do people hate each other? What is hate? Why is there hate in this world?
My problem could be, i figure, is that I have not yet been in a situation that made me actually hate someone.
I've been a little kid, and ofcourse there were times when I screamed at somebody,"I hate you". But I was only a kid.
Or is it just that I don't want to know what it really is... But if i DO figure it out.. I will then know what 'Love' is.. which is my next problem.
If I don't know Hate, then I can't know what Love is. Is there really anyone I love?
Let's say my parents or siblings for example... Question: do I love them?
Well, what a bummer -- I don't know. How is that possible? ...
Isn't that what makes us Human, being able to Love or Hate?
There's part of me that says, "you don't need to know".
I think I do.
Flower
Posted 7/27/2006 1:16:22 AM
A present, personally from me. Flower, called "Lotus", for you.
sorry i'm not a very good artist..
i used my hands as a refference for the drawing. and the bandage on my fingers is because i accidently cut myself with a razor. hehe ^_^;
Posted 7/27/2006 1:16:22 AM
A present, personally from me. Flower, called "Lotus", for you.
sorry i'm not a very good artist..
i used my hands as a refference for the drawing. and the bandage on my fingers is because i accidently cut myself with a razor. hehe ^_^;
Another day flies by.
Posted 7/25/2006 4:08:19 PM
Mood: Hungry, VERY.
So, returning from Philly I got stock in the traffic, but that's the only fun thing that happened today.
So boring ('boring' seems to be a very popular word that people use online)
Looks like my older sister came from work tired and just fell asleep where she found most comfortable.
Here's a spy photo. ..yes, me evil :D
i like to chill there too when it's windy outside. so comfy. ^___^
Ah, i love my neighborhood, so many nice people.
Also gotta write an e-mail to my friend in Kazakhstan.
Ittekimasu~
Posted 7/25/2006 4:08:19 PM
Mood: Hungry, VERY.
So, returning from Philly I got stock in the traffic, but that's the only fun thing that happened today.
So boring ('boring' seems to be a very popular word that people use online)
Looks like my older sister came from work tired and just fell asleep where she found most comfortable.
Here's a spy photo. ..yes, me evil :D
i like to chill there too when it's windy outside. so comfy. ^___^
Ah, i love my neighborhood, so many nice people.
Also gotta write an e-mail to my friend in Kazakhstan.
Ittekimasu~
Impatience
Posted 7/25/2006 10:20:29 AM
Why people just jump into conclusions without thinking? Without at least asking why? It's not that hard.
Maybe that's just as the world is..
I don't understand.
If you are confused, then why not just ask "why"?
Perhaps I will never understand.
Posted 7/25/2006 10:20:29 AM
Why people just jump into conclusions without thinking? Without at least asking why? It's not that hard.
Maybe that's just as the world is..
I don't understand.
If you are confused, then why not just ask "why"?
Perhaps I will never understand.
calm
Posted 7/24/2006 11:05:08 PM
in its soft shadow i rest
up staring at the unfamiliar to me silhouette
yet, such a warm and calming presence
i'm afraid to stretch my hand and reach
i'm afraid to loose it.
in its soft shadow i rest
calm
Posted 7/24/2006 11:05:08 PM
in its soft shadow i rest
up staring at the unfamiliar to me silhouette
yet, such a warm and calming presence
i'm afraid to stretch my hand and reach
i'm afraid to loose it.
in its soft shadow i rest
calm
A teddybear =__=;
Posted 7/18/2006 11:36:48 PM
Approximately 2 years ago, I got a teddybear for Christmas from some girl.. ( I'm sitll puzzled why she gave it to me) Since then I hang everything on it.
My hats, sunglasses, nametags, chains, screwdrivers, pliers, paint brushes, some art award things (whatever they are)... I think I should put my Katana on it too.. lol.
But yeah, for a guy to have a teddybear.. wierd XD
<<< A little info: on my blog I post whatever comes to my mind, like it is supposed to be.. so there may be some rather... umm .. random stuff..
Like this teddybear for example, or the story of why I have three computer mouses hooked up simultaneousely, or maybe even some images from one of my sketchbooks and so much, MUCH more,, @__@.. yeah, i know.. creepy>>>
lol
Posted 7/18/2006 11:36:48 PM
Approximately 2 years ago, I got a teddybear for Christmas from some girl.. ( I'm sitll puzzled why she gave it to me) Since then I hang everything on it.
My hats, sunglasses, nametags, chains, screwdrivers, pliers, paint brushes, some art award things (whatever they are)... I think I should put my Katana on it too.. lol.
But yeah, for a guy to have a teddybear.. wierd XD
<<< A little info: on my blog I post whatever comes to my mind, like it is supposed to be.. so there may be some rather... umm .. random stuff..
Like this teddybear for example, or the story of why I have three computer mouses hooked up simultaneousely, or maybe even some images from one of my sketchbooks and so much, MUCH more,, @__@.. yeah, i know.. creepy>>>
lol
When you see a black butterfly...
Posted 7/18/2006 12:58:28 PM
It is said that when you see a black butterfly, it is a sign that someone died.
There seem to be a lot of black butterflies lately around this area, where I live. I've noticed they don't really fly to the flowers, but instead, usually just land on my shoulder or on the back. Could they really be those so-called "Soul Butterflies"?
I live in a pretty green area of Southern New Jersey, where most of it is covered in trees. Soon to be gone, they represent the official name of this specific part of United States, "The Garden State". It all dissapears right before my eyes. Maybe in 20, or even 10 years, there will be barely any trees left around here. What a shame.
Posted 7/18/2006 12:58:28 PM
It is said that when you see a black butterfly, it is a sign that someone died.
There seem to be a lot of black butterflies lately around this area, where I live. I've noticed they don't really fly to the flowers, but instead, usually just land on my shoulder or on the back. Could they really be those so-called "Soul Butterflies"?
I live in a pretty green area of Southern New Jersey, where most of it is covered in trees. Soon to be gone, they represent the official name of this specific part of United States, "The Garden State". It all dissapears right before my eyes. Maybe in 20, or even 10 years, there will be barely any trees left around here. What a shame.
Never fall asleep at the beach...
Posted 7/6/2006 9:51:13 PM
...yeah, that's what I did ^___^;
I kinda felt really sleepy and u know.. shut down.
so, I faced the consequences...
day 0: My back is burning like hell after returning from beach.
day 1: actually only 1:00am of day 1, so, my head hurts like nothing I've ever experienced, I got a very high fever. I'm red like a tomato.
day 2: I'm one foot in hell. I wonder if I will survive until tomorrow.
out
Posted 7/6/2006 9:51:13 PM
...yeah, that's what I did ^___^;
I kinda felt really sleepy and u know.. shut down.
so, I faced the consequences...
day 0: My back is burning like hell after returning from beach.
day 1: actually only 1:00am of day 1, so, my head hurts like nothing I've ever experienced, I got a very high fever. I'm red like a tomato.
day 2: I'm one foot in hell. I wonder if I will survive until tomorrow.
out
Mindight shift
Posted 7/4/2006 3:31:20 AM
Yesterday me and my friend decided to take a ride around the city on bicycles, just for fun. Beginning from 12am mindinght untill 3:30am. The cool breeze felt really good, very refreshing.
Virtually no cars, other than few special ones. During that period, we've encountered 8 police cars, out of which only 2 stopped us to say 'hi, wtf?'
Pretty cool people.
The city was asleep the whole time. We owned the road. As if we were in the Twilght Zone.
I had fun, and shall remember this day.
out.
Posted 7/4/2006 3:31:20 AM
Yesterday me and my friend decided to take a ride around the city on bicycles, just for fun. Beginning from 12am mindinght untill 3:30am. The cool breeze felt really good, very refreshing.
Virtually no cars, other than few special ones. During that period, we've encountered 8 police cars, out of which only 2 stopped us to say 'hi, wtf?'
Pretty cool people.
The city was asleep the whole time. We owned the road. As if we were in the Twilght Zone.
I had fun, and shall remember this day.
out.
My World
Posted 6/30/2006 6:30:36 PM
In my world, there's only me. How sad.
My Japanese teacher one day was teaching us some new words. And he mentioned words 'futari' and 'hitori.' But he didn't expained the meanings of them right away. I liked how 'hitori' sounded and the kanji writing of it, but then he explained that it ment "alone" or "on your own", "by yourself". The other, word's meaning was "together" or "two people."
1x1=1 ... how genious. ;p
me = out.
Posted 6/30/2006 6:30:36 PM
In my world, there's only me. How sad.
My Japanese teacher one day was teaching us some new words. And he mentioned words 'futari' and 'hitori.' But he didn't expained the meanings of them right away. I liked how 'hitori' sounded and the kanji writing of it, but then he explained that it ment "alone" or "on your own", "by yourself". The other, word's meaning was "together" or "two people."
1x1=1 ... how genious. ;p
me = out.
Ideal Morning...
Posted 6/22/2006 1:16:23 AM
Shall I say, "Perfect"?
Alarm on my cellphone rings at 6:30am, but I do not wake up.. I just snooze it and just shut down.
I allways dreamed of such perfect morning, when I don't have to wake up and go to work, college...
Alas, this world isn't perfect. I'm unwillingly getting old and considering the fact that the planet Earth is round, there will be another day to come. More suffering. More pain.
A burning candle is a good way to describe one's life. It burns, and without any interfierence, it will eventually burn out. However, a light wind blow may also bring an end to it. Who knows.
Read latest news today. People at IBM invented a new copmuter processor which runs at 500Ghz... okay, so if my computer currently has a 3Ghz processor, wth is wrong with these ppl, making such a huge discovery at the time like this. So, this world is coming to an end, indeed. Umm.. well this chip requires liquid nitrogen for cooling in order to run at such crazy speed, so they will need to figure out how to equip our computer with nitrogen, or find another way. They even stated that it will soon (15-20yrs) be possible to create an artificial inteligence which will be more advanced that a human. I would think it's something like in The Matrix movie..
hmph... mah brain hurts from thinkin so much.. blah..
ok, till next time.
Posted 6/22/2006 1:16:23 AM
Shall I say, "Perfect"?
Alarm on my cellphone rings at 6:30am, but I do not wake up.. I just snooze it and just shut down.
I allways dreamed of such perfect morning, when I don't have to wake up and go to work, college...
Alas, this world isn't perfect. I'm unwillingly getting old and considering the fact that the planet Earth is round, there will be another day to come. More suffering. More pain.
A burning candle is a good way to describe one's life. It burns, and without any interfierence, it will eventually burn out. However, a light wind blow may also bring an end to it. Who knows.
Read latest news today. People at IBM invented a new copmuter processor which runs at 500Ghz... okay, so if my computer currently has a 3Ghz processor, wth is wrong with these ppl, making such a huge discovery at the time like this. So, this world is coming to an end, indeed. Umm.. well this chip requires liquid nitrogen for cooling in order to run at such crazy speed, so they will need to figure out how to equip our computer with nitrogen, or find another way. They even stated that it will soon (15-20yrs) be possible to create an artificial inteligence which will be more advanced that a human. I would think it's something like in The Matrix movie..
hmph... mah brain hurts from thinkin so much.. blah..
ok, till next time.