it was good Posted 10/1/2006 10:15:59 PM Well, Lotus, you were so right, the party was a success, we are glad we went. We re-established the ties with our old friends, who have changed considerably and now hang out with much better people. We may not have much time to socialize with them (we have small kids, theirs are adults) but at least we back on the friendly terms. Nothin else exciting is going on, I think I may attempt to diet again beginning tomorrow. Still at 143 lbs. When I tried some fall clothes yesterday for the party, I found a freaking huge number of them that do not fit - pretty depressing... so were ok just 3 months ago. It's like my weight is almost the same but I guess my inches are shifting??? pretty depressing... I gotta find some strength and self control or I will balloon again... (2) Comments

is this going to be good???? Posted 9/30/2006 8:42:25 AM Today we are seeing some very old former friends at their home. We broke up with them few yrs ago mainly due to some lies he was spreading on my husband, they are both in the same business (only lately, they were best friends for 25 yrs before that in different professions). I am kinda weary of this, the wife is a loud, jealous person, not very likable, not my style, we have very little in common with them, so does my dh (at least on the intellectual/political/ethical levels). But they invited us to a party and dh decided to be a good Christian and make contact and go see them. They were pleasantly suprised when he called to let them know. Ok, so maybe it's really ME who has a problem, right??? I guess maybe I cannot forgive as easily. Dh has so few friends that he really wants to make contact again with this couple, but I can just sit at home by myself and read my books and be happy without any weird people in my sphere. I am kinda afraid of what type of people will be at this party and my kids are going to it too. Just not sure about anything today. Have not done much about my weight lately, been trying not to abuse the laxies though. Colored my hair much lighter too, the dark was insane. I need to leave it alone now so it won't fall out LOL. (0) Comments

time to come back Posted 9/26/2006 3:34:22 PM it's been a very hard and stressful last few weeks, and the last few days were a real bitch on top of that - but I am slowly trying to recover thanks for the kinds posts to my journal here!!! My dh went to the doctor today, was told he has sky high blood pressure, got a mild med (we both refuse to take meds and are weary of doctors and meds), and began his diet/exercise, it's very important, he is not taking this lightly and I am glad. We hated to have to spend that money on his visit (we have no insurance) but I had it had to happen. One of my dd's extra curricular activities turned to be a real pain in the butt so we decided yesterday to quit. The coach would not tell us the game schedule, would not call us about practice until the afternoon of, etc - we complained and it did not help. Plus we decided that Sundays still belong to God and the family rest and not to freaking sports (except watching football on tv, LOL, but that's normal). What moron came up with the idea of making families spend 3-5 hours on a far away sports field, instead of at home or church on a Sunday!!!! It's just beyong my conservative mind. So - now THEY can wonder if we are going to show up, ha ha!!! I am tired of being on a string to someone else. Can you tell I am totally pissed off over this??? LOL. And mind you, I HAVE worked with youth in various activities and we NEVER had our schedules so unorganized. Thank goodness my dd is not upset and totally understands the situation. Maybe my stress level will lower now that we won't be driving so much. I hope so. It seems that the older I get the more difficult I find any type of stress. And don't tell me to get any meds, please. I totally don't believe in most of that stuff. I am deathly afraid of physical side effects of drugs, having seen folks damaged and killed by taking too much (as prescribed by doctors who love their commissions from the drug companies). So... I will just post here and smile and try to take it easy. (0) Comments

thursday Posted 9/14/2006 7:59:56 AM I am glad the 9/11 anniversary is over, so very very depressing... we watched a lot about it, the kids did too (they gotta learn, I am NOT raising stupid kids who are into barbies and video games and cannot think or vote or live or care). I hope we will never witness such events in my lifetime again, I have seen enough political upheaval to last me for a very long time. A lot of famous people have died recently, even our state rep and now Ann Richards too (I guess we will have to listen to her stupid "born with the silver foot in his mouth" remark for the next few days). She did a lot for Texas but had some stupid ideas too. Just like any politician, huh??? I guess I am doing ok this week, super busy with the kids. I was a bit depressed on Monday, over money, as usual. Trying really hard to eat very very little. Gotta go out of town next weekend, it would be nice to be few pounds lighter. My brain functions so much better on very little food. As long as I get my coffee everyday LOL, I am ok. And I am taking some time to read some chick lit too, gotta go to the library again tomorrow to get more books. Reading = sanity for me. But if you see my new hair color you may not think I am sane... I just had to mess with it - again - last night, and it's not that great, kinda dark mahogany red and I am so totally unsure about it. I may have to change it soon, will probably wear a hat today to hide it (how stupid is that???? 8-( don't know what to do with myself lately, I guess... (1) Comments

too tired to think Posted 9/10/2006 8:02:40 AM my life right now: super busy, frustrating at times, full of things to do for others... money problems (as usual)... diet problems (what the hell is new here, huh????!!!!) got some cute clothes at a thrift store this weekend, but do they fit??? have no idea, almost too scared to try them on, at least they were super cheap and I need fall clothes badly I will be so happy when mid December comes and we get a break from activities, but that's a long time to go... I guess I am leading a boring life afterall... is this what life is supposed to be??? Gosh, I hope my dd won't end up with a life like this, I hope my kids will have more adventure and satisfaction when they are my age... (0) Comments

holiday weekend Posted 9/4/2006 4:28:17 PM I guess I have had it good the last 4 days, took time off from major work. Read a lot, some good UK chick lit, got up in between to tidy up the house a bit. Trying to rest up before a crazy week. Last night, we had nothing scheduled for this Sat, now - there are 3 things in 3 different cities and we have to go all 3 - no choice about it. But there is always hope that being that busy equals staying away from the evils of food. Went to another blog site and began a journal just about my food and eating problems. Kinda juvenile, I guess, but real to me. Went through my suitcases with fall/winter stuff (yes! the weather has cooled down finally, if only about 5-8 degrees, but better than nothing). I found some stuff that I am not even sure if I can fit into, not sure what size I am right now, have been wearing the same tried and true outfits for the past several months. Just put those winter jeans and pants in a delicate cycle to freshen them up, will try on later today - will either cringe with unhappiness of being too fat for them or will be happy as hell if they fit. Nothing else here... I think ... (0) Comments

a bit frazzled Posted 8/30/2006 7:39:35 AM this week is quite busy (although I already know next week will be much worse): everyday I have travel somewhere for something in particular and there are times I am sick of being driving so much, because there are so many idiots on the road and we seem to see major accidents in person every week. I hate to sound like an old lady but it's scary on the road out there!!! I am busy studying a bunch of girl scout materials for their training, I hope to do well this year as a troop leader but we are having new girls come in this year so you don't know who you will work with. The kids are doing ok in our school, I am relieved about that. I am trying my hardest to keep it interesting for them. Still working on keeping away from food. Yesterday was better than Monday so I guess I am making some progress ha ha! I have all these tops in my close that just won't button up properly (damn it!) and I really want to wear them. I cannot buy any new clothes for a while, still need more school books (that seems to never end right now, geez). I think we are getting some slow signs of fall around here but it's just not fast enough, it's still very hot and humid and times like this, I wish we lived somewhere else. Our summer is way too long, it's so hard to do anything outside right now. (1) Comments

another freaking monday Posted 8/28/2006 7:37:48 PM well, I feel bad right now cause I just ate way too much at dinner, always having problem of overeating at night, shame shame shame... I was stuck at home today so no chance to get away from food, but the rest of the day was ok and I feel not too bad. Have lots of stuff to read. I watched "The Very Long Engement" last night, again with Audrey Tautou and again, it was wonderful... I just wish there was a lot less sex so my kids could see the movie, the war scenes are so great (historically accurate) and the whole plot is touching, but too much sex for the kids... othewise an awesome movie. (1) Comments

here's my vain side Posted 8/27/2006 10:34:04 AM I just love the huge Sept. issue of Vogue, it's so nice to see the new fall clothes, the new perfumes, the new super slender models... yes, I love all those things, ha ha! I have a very girly, materialistic, vain side to me. Somehow I lost about 3 lbs last week so now I am ready to lose some more, have about 15 to go. I just signed up for an on-line diet/fitness website where I will be tracking my meals and my exercise. I hope that will remind me to eat better and to use that treadmill we have. I am kinda looking at buying some skinny jeans (a huge trend!) but right now my belly is too big for that. You kinda have to be slender to wear those. I just love the boot cut jeans and will wear them no matter what trend is out there but I want to at least try the skinny jean on and maybe add it to my wardrobe. Such trends come back every few years so I could use them for yrs to come. Yes, I have a lot of clothes that I bought 15-10 yrs ago and they are still nice and I use them every few seasons because they are "in" again :). I also love the vintage clothing and go to thrift stores all the time. Here's a new perfume on my "I gotta smell it asap" list: Insolence by Guerlain Created by Maurice Roucel, creator of L'Instant by Guerlain, this unconventional fragrance sweeps you straight into its heart: a new interpretation of violet. Exuberant notes of violet are accompanied by jubilant red berries like raspberry. A hint of orange blossom and rose impart a striking intensity, while sensual iris and tonka bean resins finish the scent, making Insolence the ultimate luxury fragrance. Notes: Spiral Accord, Iris (Orris), Orange Blossom, Rose, Violet, Sandalwood, White Musk, Tonka Bean, Raspberry. Style: Young. Irreverent. Defiant. (2) Comments

end of the week Posted 8/25/2006 7:36:55 PM Well, I am not getting a haircut afterall. I kinda looked at my hair and I think it's ok. I do not like going to a salon, I am never happy with the results and I am too cheap. Ha! I usually chop my own hair off every few months, just did so few weeks ago, it looks ok, maybe I want to grow it longer for now... yes, I am very fickle about my hair so I might as well leave it alone. So instead, I am wearing more makeup this week and getting ready to paint my nails VERY dark. Ha ha!!! I am trying to be edgy just enough not to be depressed... whatever... Will be busy this weekend: another kid party to go tomorrow, babysitting two boys fro a friend on Sunday after church (yes, we have to go to church this week!!!). I am ok emotionally so far this week... I so wish for cooler weather, instead, we have a fricking hurricane coming to the gulf next week and I HATE THOSE THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope it just go away and not come to... anywhere... no one needs a stupid hurricane banging their houses and trees and beaches... You all have a great weekend!!!!!!!!!! (0) Comments

so far so good Posted 8/23/2006 7:20:44 AM So far it's been a better week. I am keeping super busy this week. Teaching the kids is going really well this week, which is a major good thing for me! We are expecting some new books (thanks for my parents who gave us some money for that) which is so much fun. My dd is going through her school books so fast, she can be a really good student, when she does not whine. My ds is smart too but has hard time focusing but it's normal for his age anyway. Anyway, they are making good progress. The weather here is super hot and we are all VERY tired of it. No chance for a garden right now. Nothing wants to grow properly. I saw the movie "Amelie" few days ago and it was so wonderful! I really loved it, cute, simple script, typically lovely French thing. I forgot how much better European movies can be and Audrey T. was so good in it, so natural, she has a real style about her. I just loved her hair and I think I am myself finally used to the dark hair I went back to few weeks ago (I was a medium blond for several yrs). I think I will get a cute cut later this week, something a bit short and funky :). See, everybody - I AM trying to be positive this week. GRIN. (3) Comments

how do you feel about getting old???? Posted 8/20/2006 5:29:57 PM I am not particularly crazy about getting older, I must admit. I will be 40 next year and it's all very depressing. I feel like I have already wasted so much of my life and have done almost nothing and I am over a half point of my life (I don't think I will live past 60 or 65). But at the same time, I still feel like a kid and know that I still have so much to learn. I certainly wish that I was in my 20s again and have done many things differently, but alas, it's too late. I often feel like I made a very sudden jump from being 20 to being 39 and those years just pass me by and I wasn't there to really enjoy them at all. I don't want to be like those old ladies who dress like teens (think of Charro in those awful Geico commercials), but I like the younger fashions and keep up with the trends - probably too much for my own good. It's very hard for me to balance the reality of my age and knowing that some things are just not right for me anymore. I want to look young but really don't know how. Overall, if I just lost about 15 lbs I know I would feel and look younger to begin with. How do YOU feel about this issue??? (1) Comments

I promise to be good... Posted 8/19/2006 8:21:39 AM Thanks to all my friends here for all the kind words and advice. I really appreciate this a lot. I just decided that I will try to be positive this weekend. Today, we are having big rains and thunderstorms so will probably stay at home. Tomorrow, we got invited to a party and I would like to go but everyone here has that slight head cold so I am not sure. My cold is very mild this morning. As long as my throat is not too sore I am ok. We probably won't go to church tomorrow either, which makes me sad but we can always pray at home. Not sure what I will do this weekend, have lots of projects but maybe too many lol to choose from. The boys are building model tanks. I have several culinary books to read. My dd - not sure, she is still sleeping and I will let her since her cold has been the worst here. She needs rest. Maybe I will get into my quilting stash and try to organize it, it's all pretty messy. I guess it's still early... have a great weekend, everyone!!! (1) Comments

feeling blah Posted 8/18/2006 2:51:57 PM It's been a week of emotional ups and downs, mostly downs, what else is new, huh??? And now, I got my dd's cold, it's very slight now, but I am sure it will be in full force by tomorrow. I feel lightheaded, weak, tired... useless. Also very frustrated with our financial situation where we never have enough for things that we need to get for the kids (books, clothes, etc). We have no debt, which is good, but the cash flow is so irregular. I hate worrying about this and unfortunately, I am the only one in this family who does so. The others seem to be oblivious and just really don't try to remedy the situation... it's been like this for few years now and I really hate it, but have no other choice, I have to be dependent on others. I am very envious of other people who seems to have too much money while we struggle... I don't want much for myself, just to have money for my family to do things others do everyweek, to buy stuff others buy without ever blinking an eye. I want to go to bookstore and just buy 5 or 6 books and not worry about it... but that's impossible. Sorry that I cannot write about something happier and more positive but my life sucks and I just cannot find much happiness around here. (1) Comments

struggling to change my life Posted 8/15/2006 9:55:39 PM I did a short fast today, I ate nothing until about 5pm, so I was food free while I was working and busy and it was good, my mind was free.I only had liquids and tried to focus my mind on important things. I also read my Bible and wrote some passages into my fasting journal, mostly about anger, because that was the whole purpose here - to begin clearing the anger out of my body and brain. I probably ate too much at night but I think I can only do better tomorrow or the next day. I have a lot to learn about Christian fasting but it's good stuff - I can serve God and forget about my stupid urges to overeat and eat useless junk. I need to focus on changing these bad habits to create a better person for myself and my family. Right now, I am kinda swamped, tons of emails came today... I need to go to sleep soon but still have lots to do. (1) Comments

trying to be cool Posted 8/14/2006 7:19:44 AM I am hoping for a normal, peaceful week - if there is such a thing when you are struggling with your family life and even more with your weight. I will try to read my Bible a bit more this week, also reading a fasting for Christians book, and I have high hopes for it. I want to be closer to God because it's important to me. hope everyone here will have a wonderful new week! (0) Comments

this is so very sad Posted 8/13/2006 2:15:15 PM I was reading an article in the Houston paper about teens bitching about not getting enough sleep during the school week and being sleepy all day. Now, read this quote: the girl said that "First and second period are devoted to drill-team practice. Third period, Jennifer tells her mom, is study hall. The teacher there lets students sleep." What a freaking joke!!!! these punks waste 3 hours of school time on that???!!!! No wonder, the education system sucks, and the students cannot make it in easy colleges - why are they allowed to do nothing for three school periods??? What happened to learning math, English, history, etc???? I am very discusted. They have it way too easy. Excuse me but I do not pay hundreds in taxes every year so these spoiled teens can play and sleep at school. Also, how is she going to function when college will NOT provide such fun, and then when REAL life begins. Thousands of moms and dads don't get much sleep for various reasons and then have to get up and go to work every day. These kids are being raised to be spoiled stupid adults - if they are our future, God help us!!! (1) Comments

sad and dark Posted 8/12/2006 10:50:08 PM fighting depression - yet again feeling the light going out of my body, and brain, and soul as if some dark creature was slowly taking over me, wanting to be as content as a child but can find no reason for such feeling why am I here if I can't feel anything good anymore? why do I feel so alone when I am totally surrounded by others, is it their fault I feel such saddness? as I age with each painful day, my soul dips into a pool of depression whether it's thirsty or not (1) Comments

who you gonna call??? ghostbusters!!!!!!!!! Posted 8/11/2006 9:39:50 PM I am just cracking up over this show on the travel channel, called The Most Haunted. They are looking for ghosts in this huge estate in UK, built in the 1100s and the mediums are "finding" these spirits named William and Edmund and Elizabeth - LOL!!! only the most popular names in the English language for the past 800 yrs, right??!! The show's host said something like, we can feel the signs of death and tragedy - well.... excuse me but if you have a big house that has stood for almost a 1000 yrs, you can bet your life there has been death - people die in their homes every day, you bimbo!!!!!!!! What a rip!!!! Obviously, I do not believe in ghost or spirits, exept, of course, the Holy Spirit to whom I try to listen to every day :). I love history and old buildings and such but that show is such a joke, they would have done so much better just showcasing the REAL history of the place. (1) Comments

busy!!!!!!!!!! Posted 8/11/2006 7:37:45 AM I did not sleep very well last night but somehow I am ready to go and do stuff, not bad for an old woman ha ha! Today, I gotta update my son's scouting scrapbook so hopefully that will be fun. I am kinda excited about that. I have not worked on our scrapbooks in a while. Also have to avoid food this weekend as my weight is going up again and I know that's one reason why I feel so tired all the time. I love food and I hate food - all the same time!!! I love to cook but I hate being overweight. For the past few years that has been the biggest problem in my life. It's something that I struggle with every freaking day of the week and it's not fun at all. I only have about 20 lbs to lose but it's so hard... Most day I do not have a very good will power, being at home most days does not help either. I guess I will have to put up with it... (0) Comments

too much going on Posted 8/10/2006 8:02:37 PM I am being pulled in so many directions this week, it's hard to decide what to write about. This week, I am a mom, a teacher, a shopper, a planner. Got some exciting new cookbooks from the library but then had to go take the car for repairs - boring. So... what's going on with me? Everything and it will just get "worse" as the kids begin their after school activities and almost daily meetings. It was nice to have the summer off from such stuff. I got several books and dvd from Julia Child and noticed a huge difference between her style and what's being shown on Food Network. She had a real style about her, not that stupid loud glitz so many chefs try to show off now. She was a great tv chef and I am learning so much from her. I am also looking at buying some new knives in the next few weeks, mine are not that great and I am not really taking good care of them. Since I cook 7 days a week, it will be nice to invest some money in knives. I am thinking about Henckels (recommended by the late James Beard in his books) but have to feel them first. I have such small hands and am afraid of buying knives that are too heavy. Otherwise my kitchen is well stocked, I have many items that came from my dh's grandmother, old but well made things with lots of delicious history behind them. I cannot wait for the weather to change, it's been so hot here (normal for TX), and as soon as it begins to cool, I can begin cooking soups and stews, which are my favorite dishes to cook and eat. But enough about food! Shoot, I guess I have no other news :'( (1) Comments

weird morning Posted 8/8/2006 8:05:16 AM I woke up few hours ago from a strange dream: I found a great new dance school for my daughter and we decided she would go back to dance lessons. Ok, let me back up and explain: she was in a pretty good but small dance school for two yrs, and right before the spring show, the director started getting me into the school politics and her own personal fight with the school's star and her family. I did not want this at all and was totally suprised and unprepared. I was friends with both sides and tried to stay neutral for the sake of the kids and the show. I did a lot for that school, lots of time and money and effort. The other family has done TONS at the school for several yrs, like no one else. I was told lies about them and asked to leave their friendship behind. I checked out facts and asked around and found out who lied and who told the truth. After the show, I just had to leave the school. My daughter was not enjoying the dancing anymore, she was very aware of the nasty situation as it spilled over into their rehearsals. Very unprofessional!!! At the end of the season, I cried, I was so upset over this fight. Why did they have to involve me??? I am still very bitter and sad over this. I had such dreams and hopes for my girl, she loved dance so much that first year, did so well on stage at such young age. But after all that we realized that she has no real talent and showed no passion for it by the end of the second year, so we are not doing dance anymore. I also realized this hobby is so very very expensive and not many good schools in my area even if we wanted to continue. So... no more dance. This dream will ruin my whole day, I feel so depressed now. I guess it will just take some time to get over this situation. (1) Comments

monday, monday... Posted 8/7/2006 9:59:32 PM well, I am sad now - I finished Julia Child's lovely French book... It was wonderful, I learned so much about her and those years of culinary culture in the US. Now I need to find some of her cookbooks and also want a book about James Beard. I know there is a great cooking/culinary award in his name but I know almost nothing about him. As for news, I am so sick and tired of the continuing crap about Mel Gibson and his drunken "sin." All those hollyweirdos can be mad at him now but they seem to forget how anti-Semitic hollywood was just few yrs ago when Steven Spielberg directed "The Color Purple" and was totally snubbed for this brilliant turn because he was Jewish... how quickly they forger THEIR own mistakes. And yes, let's not forget some of these nice hollywood folks, like Roman Polanski, who raped a 14 yr old, had to flee the US in a hurry - but now, he wins awards and hollywood just loves him, forget his sad victim and thousands of other children who are abused... Back to Gibson, they keep saying that they will boycott his next movie. Well, let me tell you something - not many people will go even see it, regardles of Gibson's drunken stupid comments: the movie is weird, filmed in a strange archaic language (again!) and few care about prehistoric anything, unless it's some Roman sandal flic with lots of sex... other cultures are just not cool enough. So... here's my prediction (which I made several months ago): Gibson's movie will stink in the box office and maybe, just maybe, this current scandal may bring more folks to see it BECAUSE of the scandal. LOL!!! Well, I am sure Ms. Lohan is relieved: the Gibson matter took the heat off HER pretty little butt in the scandal dept. LOL!!! (2) Comments

I love Julia Child! Posted 8/6/2006 10:10:48 AM I am reading the most wonderful book: "My life in France" by Julia Child (published after her death). I have always been very interested in culinary arts and in French culture and this book is wonderful. I just cannot say enough good about it, it reads like the best novel out there and shows how wonderful her life was, even in the poor postwar France. I will be renting Mrs. Child's early cooking show dvs later this week to learn more about French cooking. I would love to add some of its dishes to my own culinary abilities, but it has to be simple, not too expensive, and have no wine as an ingredient. My regular dishes are becoming rather boring, we need more variety. Today, I am working on my relationship with my dd. She has been very trying this past week, very stubborn, constantly refusing to listen, very rebelious. I am praying to be more patient with her and pass that patience on to her in turn. She is only 8 and has had pretty bad temper most of her life, very different from me. I was a very even tempered and careful girl, very mature and serious. She is nothing like me, but I guess that's the way things work. I will be praying a lot for this this week. (1) Comments

hopefully a peaceful weekend Posted 8/5/2006 9:12:03 AM Earlier this week, I tried a little personal transformation: I went from golden blond with shoulder length hair to dark brown and flapper style. Boy, do I look different! I decided I needed a change because blond was just not doing my face justice anymore. I may look a bit older and will have to play around with my makeup, colors will have to change now. Yes, I am very vain lol!!! That's why I also worry so much about my weight and my food intake. I guess everyone has to have a problem in life. We are staying home today, it's too hot, too crazy on the streets (tax free shopping weekend, which I will not be doing), and the gas went up - again! I am so sick of that!!! I have to do so much driving that the gas prices are a big concern to me. So today, I am just trying to do my thing (read, watch some tv, be here) and the kids are doing their own thing, dh is away on business today. (1) Comments