Void

I’m spinning out of control, and over the past couple years, dug myself a burrow in the depths of my mind. I tuck away all of my unwanted feelings away in there. All of the thoughts about being unhappy; all of the reasons that I shouldn’t be with you. If someone were to ask me what makes me happy, my only answer would be my 5 month old son. Even he can make me so irritated and angry. That hole in my mind is packed so full. Everyday I’d tuck more and more things into it. It’s always there. I can feel the pressure of it. You shouldn’t be poking around it there, I know you’ll get hurt. I keep things in there to keep from hurting you. I don’t want you to know any of it… I don’t want you to know that one day I plan on leaving you, and taking Ayden with me. I don’t want you to know that one day you’ll come home and find all my things gone, find me gone, find our baby gone. I don’t want you to know I have hardly any desire for you anymore. I don’t want you to know I don’t think about you when you’re gone to work all day. I don’t want you to know that I only tell you I do to keep you from being suspicious. Just like you didn’t want me to know about the girls you hit on at work. Just like you didn’t want me to know about the date you planned to go on with that Russian girl. Just like you didn’t want me to know about talking to your ex-girlfriend, about how much you miss her, about how you want to go up and see her so bad. Just like you don’t want people to know what goes on behind closed doors. Just like you don’t want people to know about the bruises you put on me. Just like you don’t want people to know about the time you knocked me out with the trash can. Just like you don’t want people to know how controlling you are. It will all be over with one day, hopefully, if I make it. (0) Comments

Posted: 8/16/2008 6:58:19 PM

Inhale......Exhale......Inhale.....Exhale....

I woke up this morning. Finally, I could breathe. I had a dream last night that scared me. It was so real. I was visiting my old home with 22 acres. It was mostly wooded. But in this dream, it was all cleared off and desolate. There was dust instead of grass. It was dawn, the sky was orange and endless but no sun. I feel like I can't breathe. I walk into my house, it was only slightly different. So many people were there I didn't know, but I saw my mom there, and my aunt. No one had any emotion. Barely any words were exchanged by anyone, include between me and my mother. Then I noticed, no one was breathing, I noticed I wasn't breathing. I felt like I was deprived of oxygen but still alive, and moving normally. Why are they cleaning trash off the counter? Then I realized that this was death. I knew my mom already knew, so did my aunt. But we didnt talk about it. We just wandered through the house. How did I die? How did my mom die? Well I don't really care. It doesn't matter now. Since knowing that this was death, I started to feel upset. But, was at such a deep state of hopelessness I couldn't cry. It didn't matter if I did or didn't, this is how it was and how it would always be. And since this was death, I walked outside and started crying out for my grandpa. He died several years ago. I was so helpless in this new place that I hoped he would give me comfort. That's when my mother told me it's too late, he's surely moved on. I sit in the dust, motionless, emotionless. Moved on? To where? Where will I be moving on to? It's too late to start praying. I wish I could breathe. I want out of here. I hate this place, but it doesn't matter, nothing matters now. I wake up. Still in my hopelesness/emotionless state of mind. I can breathe now. It's so amazing. I start to have feelings. I appreciate them so much. I take a deep breath, trying to feel every oxygen molecule enter into my lungs, and love every single one of them. This dream impacted my entire day. I still can't stop thinking of it. How I felt. How much I hated being there. It was horrible. I don't know if I could ever portray how extremely terrible this dream was. It must have some type of meaning, to impact me so much... (1) Comments

Posted: 7/16/2008 10:01:22 PM

Her weapon of choice is a red patterned dress and a sack full of stones, with her hands on her chest

So he says.. "Well, I don't know if I want to get married anymore." And that was that. After everything. After the baby we have together. After the stretch marks and 10 lbs I'll never lose. After the job he got me fired from. That's that. We have issues we need to work on, I know. I know we don't cuddle anymore. I know we don't look at eachother anymore. I know we don't wait up for each other anymore. I know things aren't the same. But that doesn't mean I've changed how I feel. That doesn't mean I want someone else to spend the rest of my life with. .... So he says.. "Well, I don't have anyone else in my life right now, so no, I can't see myself with anyone else." Such heavy words. Heavy enough to crush me. (3) Comments

Posted: 7/9/2008 6:16:33 PM

Blown away

My nose is numb My throat is numb My gums are numb My brain is numb My eyes are black My tongue is white My heart is rapid I’ve no appetite My mind is racing My nose is bleeding My hands are shaky More I’m needing I can’t swallow I can’t eat I can’t focus I can’t sleep (3) Comments

Posted: 7/6/2007 5:30:06 PM

It's cold everywhere I go

mynoseisrunningmynoseisrunningmymindisracingmynoseisrunning . (1) Comments

Posted: 6/22/2007 12:14:25 PM

Crimson Chrome.

I don't know how to handle relationships. It's all very new to me. I'm 17 and I just broke up with my second boyfriend. You hear that...2nd. But I do have a good idea of when a relationship is bad. When drugs are more important to your boyfriend than you are...that is a bad relationship. When your boyfriend would rather get fucked up than come pick you up from work 2 mins away from where he is, that is a bad relationship. Why does everything fuck up? My mom loves drugs. She loves drugs more than she loves me. I lost my relationship with her as well. Good thing I still have my friends...oh wait. My head was too far up my boyfriends ass to pay any attention to them. Oh well, gives me something to work towards, restoring friendships. I haven't even been paying attention to Mika, my dog. She gets lonely without me. Now I have time to love on her. David, he used to tell me I'm beautiful. I believed him. He used to tell me he would do anything for me. I believed him. He used to cry when I cried. Now he gets mad at me and walks away. What is so unlovable about me? I don't understand. I could think about it for days, and not have the slightest clue. Maybe I'm too ugly for everyone. Maybe that's why I've always been a loner. That's the only thing I can come up with. I would set anything aside to come to the aid of one of my loved ones. I would travel anywhere at any given time to help someone I loved. Friends, family, or anyone in need. Why do I always seem to repell everyone? It has to be something. Maybe one day I'll figure it out. Or maybe I wont. I'll, just lock myself back up in this fortress, and wait for my personal Prince Charming. Listen, can you hear it? It's the sound of nothing Empty space, hollow Insanity replacing the stuffing You want me to trust, how? Too tired to try now You want me to care, how? Too tired to cry now This lonesome haze Is clogging all thoughts Nothings coming in Or out, I'm so lost Looking at things In a different light Things are grimmer Worthless of your might I can only move slowly Match rhythm with Misery's toes Wishing I could break promises So I can see blood flow (1) Comments

Posted: 5/27/2007 10:34:51 PM

Buring Time.

Today has been a slow day. Sitting here...waiting...waiting...waiting. For what you ask? For a phone call I'm sure will never come. I'm waiting for my phone to ring, I'm waiting for a familiar voice to say, "I love you. I want to change things. I want you back. I still love you the same." This is a waiting game I don't have a chance in winning. I'm fighting against myself. Against the urge to call and say, "I miss you." I can't do that though. My pride stops me. Not only that, I know the feelings aren't returned. But still I'm waiting. Does he even know I wrote this poem for him? My heart bleeds for you In deep, dark shades of red Spilling out my emotions Restoring words left unsaid My soul screams for you A moan dripping of desire Crying out its own sonnet With passion burning like fire My body demands you You’re water to quench its thirst For you, I would push it to the limits Even take a slow ride in a Hurst I know I sent it to him. Not sure if he's ever bothered to read it. I'm pathetic. I'm worthless. (2) Comments

Posted: 5/24/2007 2:29:05 PM

The night before life goes on.

I looked in the mirror today. Made note of the difference in what I saw, and what I knew was going on inside. It’s unbelievable. I saw a face that was innocent. Unsuspecting. Completely different from what I imagined myself as a 17 year old. I couldn’t stop staring. I remember when I was littler. I remember looking at the same face. I remember being innocent. I remember being unsuspecting. I remember wondering what life would be like for me when I was older. I didn’t imagine I’d be the person I am today. I didn’t imagine I’d experience the things I already have. That feeling is overwhelming to say the least. To know I could change so much in a matter of just a few years really opens my eyes. It scares me to know I can be a completely different person in a matter of just a few more years. Frightening. I don’t like knowing the things I know. I don’t like growing up. I want to be the same girl I was. I want to live life carelessly. I just don’t want to experience life. How can someone my age know so much? How can someone my age have such a grasp on what life really is about? I wish I could be locked in a dark chamber. I wish someone would put a straightjacket on me, on my mind. Life goes on. It changes. It morphs and alters you. So now, I’m sitting here, reminding myself of the things I’ve done wrong. Including breaking up with the boyfriend I never thought I’d leave. What was I thinking? So needless to say, listening to Blink 182-‘I miss you’ on repeat isn’t the healthiest thing to be doing at the moment. Do I care? It’s still on repeat. (0) Comments

Posted: 5/23/2007 10:37:16 PM

Numb

Why wont I learn? Why wont I just give up? I'm tired of being led on To a barren end Tired of holes in my heart Much too big to mend God isn't on my side Look at where I am now Left with no one to love No one to exchange vows Empty promises And bold mistakes Have left my life In a giant heart break I'm tired of life So sick of it all Please no one catch me I've started my downfall (1) Comments

Posted: 5/23/2007 2:29:35 PM

Drag me down to Hell. I belong there.

Things tend to fuck up where I'm involved. I strive for the impossible and expect to achieve what I'm striving for. When will I learn to stop trying. To stop expecting things to be better. To stop expecting to feel loved and not lonely. I've always been off in my own little world. Things are different there. I have friends there. Life is what I want it to be there. But, this world is fabricated from my mind. None of it's true. Life is lonely. Love is like plasma. You have to be worthy enough to acquire it. And you have to have the means of obtaining it. I have no real friends. So my dog is my friend, and my love, my child. My best friend is my knife. It comforts me. It let's me feel *something* instead of nothing. A lonely buzzing radiating from the depths of you inner most core. Maybe this is all I'm destined for. To be the horrid faced girl that cuts when she cries. Maybe my only friend is actually meant to be this knife. Maybe no one really understands no matter how long they go on about understanding. Maybe I really am all alone. Sharp blades go well With cold, lonely hearts Silvered silence As your skin spreads apart Not caring that blood Is spilling on the floor No one caring about the cries Heard through your bedroom door Just thinking of that Cold, sharp edge Keeping in mind You wouldn't mind being dead Thinking about numbed pain The pain you deserve And knowing that blood drops Can never be heard (1) Comments

Posted: 5/22/2007 8:29:37 PM

Au do ra mus...

Maybe someone actually cares. I don't know. It's just hard to feel so alone. L-O-N-E-L-Y Do you know how that feels? Where there's such a deep, and taunting emptiness inside eating its way out. To where it envelopes your soul and drains the color from your face. Drains the hope from your heart. Rotts happiness from your very eyes. Sucks the energy right from your body. Makes you wonder...what is life even for? Why stay here and watch your life break away and you have no control? I do. Lonely is a good friend of mine. I meet her every day. She stays with me. No matter how hard she works on me, she never takes a break. Not even for a minute. Or even at night. I'm still plagued with loneliness when I sleep. Lonely. (2) Comments

Posted: 5/22/2007 6:21:19 PM

Diary

This is a poem I wrote in my diary's point of view. It basically describes and understands what I write in it. Diary I hear your cries I feel your pain I hear your thoughts You're going insane Scream harder Sleep less Cry yourself Into a dramatic mess Lie to yourself Say you're okay It's the only way To keep the voices at bay Death is tearing away At your putrid soul Things aren't that bad That's what you're told You know better No one has a clue Darkness is crowding Your sky, once so blue You've tripped yourself Into an endless tomb And your only friends Are Grim and Gloom You observe everyone Your face casts a shadow They're so oblivious Of your internal battle (2) Comments

Posted: 5/22/2007 12:54:01 AM