RestartingMyLyfe

me time

posted on 11/25/2006 2:59:48 PM in (0) Comments

so ive decided on a couple of things. first of all, i need some me time. i need time to figure out who it is that i am and what i want. so i broke up with my boyfriend and have been talking to my room mate alot.
she is kinda weird but has some awesome insight and i always feel good when i talk to her. ive relized alot about myself the past little bit too, mostly becuase of her.
1 i am clumsy
2 i can be super passionate like about world events etc
3 there is deffinaltely something missing in my life
4 i dont need a man in my life to make me feel good or accecpted, i can do that by myself!
5 i dont know what i want
6 i dont know what i like
7 i am very personal
8 i love art
9 i am horrible with money
10 i dont think alot before i jump into someting

i dont really know those are just some random ones but i am getting to know myself and stuff. i dont know. my room mate is on a spiritial journey and trying to find what she wants and stuff like that and it kinda makes me want to do the same thing.
this probably sounds weird and stuff but o wells.
oh and ive decided to become vegitarian. so if anyone has any sites w recipies or something send them my way! i have found some great sites too about this stuf. i was kinda a vegitarian before but my sister invited me to this vegan post thankgsiving pot luck and i met a lot of neat people and its really inspired me i guess. i think its important to know about animal cruelty and stuff. i dont think that everyone should be vegitarian but i do think that we should eat less and be more aware or animal treatment.

decisions, decisions

posted on 11/21/2006 10:08:04 PM in (0) Comments

dang its been a while since ive been on here :0.
anyways . . . so ive ben trying to find a colloge. first i was thinking that i would just go to a community college but im not so hot on that. i want to have a REAL college experience and i really want a degree. there is just one problem- i have no money. i really fucked up when i decided to let myself get kicked outta my parents. i would totally just move back in but my dad 'hates' me and well they dont really want me to cuz they are going to be moving soon and i can garuntee where ever it is that they are moving to will not have enough room for me.

a user or a lover?

posted on 11/8/2006 11:57:39 AM in (1) Comments

im kinda confused about this daniel thing. i think im starting to fall in love i mean its been a month and it went by sooooooo fast i cant believe it. he is already saing that he loves me. i tell him that he doesnt cuz there is no way he could know yet.
i mean i really like him and stuff. he is always talking about the future and if we ever had kids and about getting married in like 5 years and having brown babies lol. last night he put his hand on my tummy and told me it would be cool if i were to be pregnant.
but before i fall for this guy and get myself hurt all over again im wondering........ is he really falling in love with me or is just using me? i know men will bring up words like future and marriage just so girls feel like they really love them but they really have another girl on the side. so how is that you can tell the diff between users and lovers?

a walk in the park, a concusion and no money needed

posted on 11/8/2006 11:05:28 AM in (1) Comments

so last night me and daniel hung out after we both got off work. of course were broke so we had to think of something absolutely free. we decided on a walk in the park at like 9 and here its super dark at 9. we wanted to scare ourselves cuz the park is just creepy in general. its not your average park
so we get to the play ground and he is trying to help me swing or watever and i fall out backwards and fell flat on my back .... and head. it hurt so bad! and everything started spinnig (ok so maybe thats just cuz i had been spinning in the swings earlier) but anyways it hurt bad and i couldnt stand up straight for like 5 min. and my head still hurts! but it was free lol

Living

posted on 11/2/2006 10:39:43 AM in (0) Comments

Why sleep if you cant dream?
Why breathe if your not living?
You may be alive
but your not living.
This is Your life
You have one shot
To make things happen
To become yourself
To find yourself
Dont wait until tomorrow
Tomorrow never comes
And few things will wait
If you love him
say it
If you want it
reach for it
Dont wait around
hoping
For things to happen
You must put them in motion
Realize your dreams
Push limits
Believe in yourself
But most of all
LIVE!

sigh

posted on 10/30/2006 9:34:28 AM in (1) Comments

it was a lot of fun yesterday. Daniel is so cute! he drives me crazy. there is just one small flaw. i can handle the smoking cuz he is quiting but its that he is way to comfortable with sex. i need more out of a relationship and i cant tell where this one is headed.
anyways. we took his dog lucy to a dog park yesterday. it was huge and there were so many dogs. i got attacked like four times and i came home like caked in mud. he made me go to dinner with his mom and step dad. it was slightly akward but it was ok. his mom is really neat.
we talked about the fact that we havent been on a date yet, mostly just cuz we both dont have money. but we are going to on tuesday. we are getting scary movies from the library and carving pumpkins plus he is making me dinner :).
just thinking about him makes me smile and im not sure why. when he walked me to the door yesterday he picked me up and carried me there ;)
anyways if anyone has any ideas for free/cheap dates please let me know cuz i wanna go on more dates with this guy instead of just hang out

fuck it

posted on 10/28/2006 6:48:48 PM in (0) Comments

i dont want to wake up tommorrow
i dont wanna try and be nice
or try to find a dam job
i dont want to put on my fake smile
and pretend that things are ok
im so sick of pretending that im ok
that im ok with this dam break up
that im ok with being fired
i wanna break down and cry
and just want to feel sorry for myself
i want someone to see that its kinda hard
hard to be anna right now
i want my daddy to say that im his little girl
and hes proud that im out on my own
i wanna just stay under my covers tomorrow
and cry
i hate my life
and where its heading
i dont even know where the fuck its going
or where the hell i want it go
he said he is going to give my some time
to think about wat it is that i want
how should i know wat i want?
i wanna funken paint a master piece
i wanna write a best seller
i want to design some killer jeans
i want to write a a poem
that the world goes crazy over
i wanna strut that dam walk way
i want people to turn
when they see my face and wonder
who is that?
i want a job that i make 5o bucks an hour
just to sit on my ass
but there is one little flaw
and that is i live on this place called earth
and on earth no one gives a fuck about you
they dont give a dam that you lost your job
or that your heart is shattered on the floor
they couldnt care less that your lost
that your broke
they dont see that hunger in your eyes
they just hustle by
wondering about how they look
or if they are going to late to work
its a cold world out there,
this place called earth
if they get a chance
they will crush you
they will make you feel like shit
and leave you bleeding on the road
and the others will laugh at you
so why do i dream
why am i hoping for something better?
why is that i cant make myself funken happy?
i wanna be the girl who is always fuken smilin
and havin a good time
but im no longer sure
wat it is that will take me there
everything i seem to try just pushes me further
and further
from smiling
all i know is that im not happy
but i dont know why
i just want to take a gun
and put an end to it
put an end to them laughing
put an end to this broken heart
end this misery that seems to shroud
my pathetic little life
i cant trust a dam soul
im so scared to let him in
i know my heart is going to break
i know this will end badly
why does he want in so bad
wat is it that draws him to me
why am i so scared of myself
of who it is thats inside
why am i scared of getting a great job
i dont know who it is inside of me
all i know is that im full of guilt
and anger
and regret
and uncertianty
i say just fuck it
but all this isnt just something i can run from
the more i run the closer it comes
to swallow me up
fuck

sweet

posted on 10/27/2006 9:20:44 AM in (4) Comments

dude so i started dating this guy who is sooo sweet! i was really tired when we went over to his place to chill and i ended up falling asleep on his bed while we were watching this movie. he left for like a half hour and let me slept. when he came back up he had this tea thats supposed to clear out your sinuses (mine have been clogged for weeks) and he is all like 'hey baby wake up' and blows the smell into my face. it was so sweet. i love sweet guys. even if he doesnt really cuddle. thats ok.
he was really cool when i told him that ive been kinda depressed and stuff lately. i dont expect a guy to stick around when im so bla ya know? its hard to date someone like that.
ive decided that im more like a manic depressive. sometimes im really on top of the world and super happy and the next im like the world is over there is no point to anything. its weird. but it comes and goes so if i can get past this little, well big, bout of depression i think ill be ok.

depression

posted on 10/26/2006 11:52:04 AM in (1) Comments

there i lie
eyes shut tight
trying hard to avoid
the mornings sudden burst of light
that shines undanted through my bedroom window
i sigh
why get up today?
or tomorrow?
wat is it that compells
one to leave the warm security
that lies under the covers
wat possible good can come of today
another broken heart
a disapointent waiting
another stupid obstacle
there is only one certiantly
and that is hardship
i didn't used to be like this
once there were dreams
and ambitions
hopes and hard work
this is a whole new world to me
one that i chose
through stupid mistakes
and bad judgements
and everywhere i turn
there it is staring
staring into my eyes
reminding me of all the regrets
all the things i wish i could undo
but i cant
it is impossible
so i open my eyes
and watch the dark room light up
if only i could turn so easily
from bad to good
i want so bad to change my life
be born again
start over
find a new me
so maybe
there is one reason
one reason to face the regrets
a reason to challenge the hardship
a meaning for the chaos
to find the sun again

a question

posted on 10/13/2006 10:59:17 AM in (2) Comments

ok so my x boyfriend wants to stay friends and wants me to be there for him. and i must admit he has been there more times than i can think to count.
half of me really wants to but on the other hand, he broke my heart. and im worried hell just always be wanting to get back together. im confused.

just my luck

posted on 10/13/2006 10:55:01 AM in (0) Comments

oh shit is today really friday the 13th? dam im so skrewed my luck has been down so bad lately like getting tangled w this pyscho guy and rearending a chick cuz my breaks aint working and the list goes on. i guess in some cultures this is actually a lucky day. i sure as hell hope this day changes my luck or im f-ing skrewed (and dont make fun about saying 'f-ing' instead of fuking)

sick

posted on 10/13/2006 10:43:06 AM in (0) Comments

dude it was so sick. so two days ago i woke up and i was fine, i felt a little sick but thats normal waking up feelings. so i make breakfast and head off to work when it just hits me and i feel so sick. i had to pull off to the side of the road so that i could vomit. ewww!
so im only a few minutes a way from work so i pull into the parking lot and try to call in but they aint buying it so pull my nausiated tummy and green face in. my manager tells me that she is short on ppl so i have to stay! hello im puking here!
after a few customers i bolt to the bathroom to puke, for the second time.
but this is the grossest part- im in the middle of taking money for a purchase and they are all like oh, ive got the change and bla! it comes up! i throw my hand over my mouth and make it to the bathroom only to spew it over the toliet! i was so embarassed. poor customer too. i mean can you imagine that your just trying to pay for something when the cashier runs away to throw up? lol. its funny now but it wasnt now.
i really dont like the manager now and i had to close with her last night. im so ready to quit my job now.
oh, and now everyone thinks that im pregnant, too. i really dont think my tummy is that fat but ive had my managers ask so many times. wats up with that?

loosing it

posted on 10/10/2006 12:01:38 PM in (2) Comments

i dont know why but im feel so depressed right now. my sister says that i should take zoloft for anxiety and depression, like she does. she says itll help my mood swings too. ya maybe i do have anxiety and deppression and serious mood swings but how the hell will a pill help? all that is just cuz my life feels like a living hell right now!
dont you ever feel like you have f--ed up so many times you have no idea where to start fixing things? its like everywere you turn there is something more to do, something more to fix. i feel so miserable right now.
its probably my fault tho, and i hate ppl who complain about things they are not willing to fix.
and my sister is right about the depression. i just feel like cutting or something, like i used to. i cut my tummy cuz i didnt want anyone to see it. then my x found them and got really angry w me. my sis found out once too and made me go to a shrink which i didn't feel like helped. it made things feel a thousand times worse with my parents.
sometimes i wonder why the hell i was born cuz i dont feel like i done no good. all i do i skrew things up and do things that i shouldnt do. im just tired of it.
i miss my x cuz he used to be my rock that i could hold on to. now, tho i feel like im just floating around in the ocean of life and i cant find a dry spot or figure out where i want to go. maybe im just a control freak cuz i hate just floating. i want to be able to swim at least. i hate not being able to change things and i feel like that is how things are with my life right now. i cant do nothing to fix all the times i skrewed things up.
i like writing here cuz i can ignore ppl who feel sorry for me cuz i hate those kinda ppl. they only make you feel worse. and maybe 1 person out there will give a dam about wat im saying but there aint much reason to. i think that im just rambling on

needing advice

posted on 10/10/2006 11:33:30 AM in (2) Comments

i officially hate being vonerable. and men like to take advantage of that too, ive noticed.
so this friend that i havent seen in forever pops out of no where and is all like hey ive got a friend you should meet. trying to get over my x, of course i say yes.
it was so much fun, in the beggining. he lifted me to his shoulders and was all carrying me around and we were throwing wrappers at each other and just goofing off.
so then we head over to the movies and he is all over me, trying touch and grab and kiss me! i was all like wat the ----!
it gets worse when we get back to my car cuz he tried to take my pants off! it was horrible. i know that girls are really bad too, but why do guys have to be?
i am just so sick of being treated like this and know its partly my fault. does anyone know how to attract the good kinda guys? i mean i want a man that isnt turned on by me but thinks that im cute and gives me sincere comments and lots of attention. i want him to enjoy just spening time with me and taking me to all these cool fun new places. i want a man that makes me feel good about myself. how do i find a man like that? one that believes that sex is something like special and should be something to wait for? i know im not perfect but i feel like i derserve a great guy. can anyone help?

stupid people

posted on 10/2/2006 11:21:27 AM in (0) Comments

dude im so bugged. so only a few months after i started dating my x boyfriend my friend misty takes off saying she cant be friends with me if im dating him. of course i was totally crazy about him so she really pissed me off. she took off when i needed her most.
now after she finds out we broke up she is starting to come back around. its pissing me off. now she is engaged and its only been a few months. she is doing the same thing she gave me crap about. plus she might be pregnant. i mean hello! she bitched at me so bad when i worried about the same thing.
she says she wants me around for her wedding and stuff but sorry thats of f-ing messed up!

Ahhh!

posted on 9/28/2006 11:24:54 AM in (1) Comments

im going crazy! why the hell do i miss him so much? dam it! i called him this morning cuz he said he needed to talk to me. i should have known all he wanted was to get back. duh. he has sent so many f-ing texts about how important i was to him.
i was reading through a bunch of people's break up stories and how much they miss him/her. i wasnt left. i left him.
i want to feel his arms around me. to be held. i wanna be told 'i love you'. i want a shoulder to cry on. i miss kisses in the moonlight. and making out in his car. i miss laying in the grass huddled under a blanket looking at the stars. i miss all the stupid crzy things we used to do. i know hell never read this but maybe thats a good thing.
dear baby doll,
hey tard. when i talked to you on the phone i told you that i didnt miss you. i told you this was best. i told you that it was over and i couldnt go back to you.
but now all i feel is lonely. i really miss you close to me and feeling your heart against mine. i miss you being there for me. i miss the way you held me and made me feel ok. i didnt tell you that i cry for you at night and still cuddle against the stuffed dog you gave me cuz it still smells like you.
i cant believe its over. i cant believe we wont watch another scary movie together and have you try to scare me or talk to me till i fall asleep cuz i cant by myself. i cant believe we wont ever cuddle naked together again. or run away for the weekend. or go to wendys for chilli so i can fart on you.
i guess wat im trying to say is that i miss you. and im sorry. these last nine months have meant alot.
i hope you become sucessful with your game design. i hope you find someone to make you happy again so she can see how cute you look when you really smile. and i hope she likes all the weird ideas you have cuz i know that i did.
well i guess this is goodbye. just know that i loved you. even though i finally did see that you were an ass and that i deserved better and you did me wrong. before that, i think i was happy.
your sweets

single and loving it

posted on 9/27/2006 3:44:18 PM in (1) Comments

ive decided that im pretty ahappy about being single agin. i mean its like my freedom has been handed back. when i see a hot guy i can let him know that hes hot. i can hit a club and dance with whoever. there aint no man thats gonna get jelous cuz ive got some guy friends or an old friend is calling.
like today i was at the bank and there was this group of guys messing around after work or something. they were pretty cut and shirtless. when i looked over no one was there to bitch or make feel like shit.
im excited to date around with all these hot guys and find one that i really like and who treats me really special and stuff.
i meann i am going to miss always having someone to hold me and to call and stuff or just chill with. but if wasnt treating me right i dont need him.

Men Suck

posted on 9/25/2006 11:11:48 AM in (0) Comments

Maybe men suck isnt the best title ever. life basicaly sucks now. after nine months my almost x boyfriend tells me that he has lied the entire time (about who knows what) and that he has hidden alot of stuff, including who is, from me. i have fallen for a man who i don't even know! i only say almost x because breaking up on the phone is so lame and wrong but i really don't want to see him againg for a while. it just makes me sick ya know?
i have told him my deepest secrets and let him into every little detail in my life. only a few weeks ago he asked me to marry him! thankfully i wasnt ready and probably wont be for a long time. i mean i poured my heart and soul into this man. i literally gave him everything i had. and now im left with only a broken heart and some regret.
the worst part? he wants a second chance. maybe that would be ok if i hadn't been giving him so many chances along the way.
yes, it is partly my fault. i just needed a man to put his arms around me and tell me that he loved me and to share my life with. but now it is time to move on.
part of me is super excited and ready to conquer the world while the other half is ready to break down and cry. i give into both sides every now and again. but for now im trying to stay on my feet.