PlayBunny
The Four Magic Words Are __ __ __ __!
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I'm LOUD, narcissistic, foul mouthed, bitchy, creative, intelligent, hard-headed, rude at times...smart-mouthed, arrogant, cocky, mean, lazy..I would say I'm the nicest person you will ever meet...but that would be a lie...but I will say..I freakin ROCK!!
Age: 23
Gender: F
Location: Orlando, FL.
Status: Divorced
Tunes: Antigone Rising, Gnarls Barkley, Stone Sour, Disturbed, P!nk, Akon, Aerosmith, Brooks and Dunn, Alan Jackson, 3 Doors Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Bob Segar, Garth Brooks, Sam Cooke, Musiq, Bonnie Tyler, Common, Do or Die, Aerosmith, P!nk, Disturbed, KD Lang
Loves: CHAPSTICK (I'm definitely a Puta de Chapstick), loud music, sharpe markers, playing in the rain, sex, singing (even though I can't), I love the smell of freshly cut grass or right after a rain, walks on the beach (but not in the water), reading, writing,
Hates: FAT PEOPLE
Orientation: UltraSexual. I am above, beneath, and inside whatever turns me on.
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~A Peak N2 My Twisted World~
~A Peak @ My Twisted Rants~
~A Peak N2 My Anger Problem~
~A Peak N2 My Twisted World~
~A Peak @ My Twisted Rants~
~A Peak N2 My Anger Problem~
Archives
July, 2007
June, 2007
May, 2007
April, 2007
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December, 2006
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August, 2006
Know Thyself and Never Despair.
Posted 6/23/2007 7:45:25 PM
Know Thyself.
Shot with unknown at 1969-12-31
Never Despair.
Shot with unknown at 1969-12-31
And all together.
Shot with unknown at 1969-12-31
Posted 6/23/2007 7:45:25 PM
Know Thyself.
Shot with unknown at 1969-12-31
Never Despair.
Shot with unknown at 1969-12-31
And all together.
Shot with unknown at 1969-12-31
I fucked your Mama.
Posted 6/20/2007 12:19:55 AM
Ok so not really. :)
So I pride myself on being able to admit when I'm wrong. I pride myself on being able to stand up and tell it like it is. I pride myself on being real.
I have no problem dropping people that are fake from my life. I have no problem dropping liars [and also…if you tell someone not to tell me something and just happen to omit it from any conversation.. that is just the same as lying.] Don't beat around the bush., and forget to mention shit because you are worried about what I will think. Ugh. If I'm your friend, then I liked you for you, not who you were pretending to be. I didn't care who your other friends were. I valued our friendship. Our friendship seemed to be the one I would carry with me till that dying day. It was unlike any other friendship I have ever had. You seemed fucking real as hell, genuine, and loyal. We had so much in fucking common it was unfucking believable. We finished each others sentences, fucking stayed in each others heads…same taste in just about everything. But now I have to question. How much of it was real? I honestly don't have the energy or the desire to fish through those past months and try and figure it out. You know me. You saw me. The real me. I never doubted you. I never doubted where your allegiance [loyalty or devotion to some person, group, cause, or the like. ] stood. I had you pegged for the wrong group obviously. There were no lies. No omitting of conversations. I kept it open and real from git. And now I have to ask myself, why did I bother. Why does it anger me to this extent. Why do I still care? Because for 2.5 seconds you were my down ass chick. So it bothers me a bit that…I no longer have that [even if it was a façade.{ a superficial appearance or illusion of something}] Blah I am through.
I see you in public. And I don't speak. I honestly can't tell you that I'll ever speak to you again. Maybe one day I'll be able to politely speak to you. But until that day comes, it's best that you stay back 50 ft., keep your buddy and her handshakes back 50 too while your at it,
You know, and now that things aren't going your way…you want to turn it around on me? Absolutely not. I am not the one. So this "bff" is no longer valid. RIP will mark my body for forever. That dream you had was a sign.. it's coming to a close. Finally.
Next.
So here I sit wondering why the hell people choose to go that route..
I personally could care less who you are and what you've done or where you've been. If you're cool people…then you're cool people. Shit, just be real. I fucking tell people…don't lie to me. Truth will come out. Faking the funk…it's getting old. I really would just like for people to be honest and real around me. I'm not going to like you any less or any more if you aren't the coolest person. No scratch that…if you just so happen to not be the coolest…I'll like you a lot more if you're proud of not being like everyone else. Hang on..let me better explain that. Just don't lie about who you are or where you have been….cause when the truth comes out…the real you….i'll drop you like a bad habit. Holler.
So there is a lot of drama going on in the lesbian community as we speak. It's quite nauseating. Ugh. People saying one thing doing another, people fucking one another's friends and mates and then lying about it.
It's like a big fucking circle…literally a "fucking" circle.
Ugh. Over and out
Posted 6/20/2007 12:19:55 AM
Ok so not really. :)
So I pride myself on being able to admit when I'm wrong. I pride myself on being able to stand up and tell it like it is. I pride myself on being real.
I have no problem dropping people that are fake from my life. I have no problem dropping liars [and also…if you tell someone not to tell me something and just happen to omit it from any conversation.. that is just the same as lying.] Don't beat around the bush., and forget to mention shit because you are worried about what I will think. Ugh. If I'm your friend, then I liked you for you, not who you were pretending to be. I didn't care who your other friends were. I valued our friendship. Our friendship seemed to be the one I would carry with me till that dying day. It was unlike any other friendship I have ever had. You seemed fucking real as hell, genuine, and loyal. We had so much in fucking common it was unfucking believable. We finished each others sentences, fucking stayed in each others heads…same taste in just about everything. But now I have to question. How much of it was real? I honestly don't have the energy or the desire to fish through those past months and try and figure it out. You know me. You saw me. The real me. I never doubted you. I never doubted where your allegiance [loyalty or devotion to some person, group, cause, or the like. ] stood. I had you pegged for the wrong group obviously. There were no lies. No omitting of conversations. I kept it open and real from git. And now I have to ask myself, why did I bother. Why does it anger me to this extent. Why do I still care? Because for 2.5 seconds you were my down ass chick. So it bothers me a bit that…I no longer have that [even if it was a façade.{ a superficial appearance or illusion of something}] Blah I am through.
I see you in public. And I don't speak. I honestly can't tell you that I'll ever speak to you again. Maybe one day I'll be able to politely speak to you. But until that day comes, it's best that you stay back 50 ft., keep your buddy and her handshakes back 50 too while your at it,
You know, and now that things aren't going your way…you want to turn it around on me? Absolutely not. I am not the one. So this "bff" is no longer valid. RIP will mark my body for forever. That dream you had was a sign.. it's coming to a close. Finally.
Next.
So here I sit wondering why the hell people choose to go that route..
I personally could care less who you are and what you've done or where you've been. If you're cool people…then you're cool people. Shit, just be real. I fucking tell people…don't lie to me. Truth will come out. Faking the funk…it's getting old. I really would just like for people to be honest and real around me. I'm not going to like you any less or any more if you aren't the coolest person. No scratch that…if you just so happen to not be the coolest…I'll like you a lot more if you're proud of not being like everyone else. Hang on..let me better explain that. Just don't lie about who you are or where you have been….cause when the truth comes out…the real you….i'll drop you like a bad habit. Holler.
So there is a lot of drama going on in the lesbian community as we speak. It's quite nauseating. Ugh. People saying one thing doing another, people fucking one another's friends and mates and then lying about it.
It's like a big fucking circle…literally a "fucking" circle.
Ugh. Over and out
been a while....misconception of what a relationship is about.
Posted 6/19/2007 11:57:32 AM
So…finally time…for me…time for a blog…time to vent…just time...
We as people live our entire lives searching for something. Some people figure out what it is they are searching for, some people find it, and some people hit their grave still looking for whatever it may be.
Some people wonder…what the hell the point of life is….we are born just to die. Fuck that. We are born to live, work, pay taxes, reproduce, live happily, and experience some of the most wonderful things in the world.
I'm going to go into a totally different subject really quick. It seems like everyone around me is looking for their soul mate…searching and settling for anything that comes their way. Hoping that just maybe this person can be "the one."
Well, personally I believe that in order for that person to be your soul mate. There has to be some kind of chemistry, other than a purely physical attraction. There has to be commonalities. There has to be some sort of communication.
I'm watching my friends, claim their love for people and claiming they are their soul mates and I'm sitting here dumbfounded. Like what the fuck are you thinking? You can't talk to each other, you can't stand to be around each other unless you are fucking or getting something from them, you talk badly about them, what kind of relationships are they creating? Unhealthy.
When I meet someone, that could potentially play out to be someone really special in my life, I don't look at what they can do for me-money wise-or physically… I look at the bigger picture. How will this person affect me emotionally? Where is this person going with their life? Is it easy to share and converse with them? Can I see myself settling down with this person? Is this person genuine, caring, loving, good with kids, do they have a good sense of humor? I need someone who is focused, someone that is going to stimulate me, someone who is going to push me to want to do better, intelligent, happy, faithful, confident, strong, sweet, considerate, loving, loyal, honest, wise, someone that isn't a quitter [falling down is one thing…but not getting up is another].
I'm not saying she would have to have all of those qualities the day I met her…but she has to be willing to work on it….or build her character I should say…Everyone is a work in progress.
Check it. Sex is really important to some people. Matter of fact, I love sex. It isn't however the most important thing in a relationship, and to be quite frank, if that's all you have in a relationship, then it wont last.
Let me think on how to word this. I see these people who are in "relationships" [that's what they choose to call them] but all they are getting out of it is a good role around in the sack. No hating here. But really, what else are you getting out of that? Good sex, woohoo, what about an emotional connection [you don't have to have an emotional connection to have sex]? What about a partner? A commitment in life [other than in the bed.. sure getting your socks rocked off might seem good for now…but a few months down the road…are you really going to be content in your relationship?]
Need to wake up and look at the bigger picture. We are all too old for this shit.
You can't help someone who can't help themselves.
Take a chance, step outside the box, do better for yourself.
Posted 6/19/2007 11:57:32 AM
So…finally time…for me…time for a blog…time to vent…just time...
We as people live our entire lives searching for something. Some people figure out what it is they are searching for, some people find it, and some people hit their grave still looking for whatever it may be.
Some people wonder…what the hell the point of life is….we are born just to die. Fuck that. We are born to live, work, pay taxes, reproduce, live happily, and experience some of the most wonderful things in the world.
I'm going to go into a totally different subject really quick. It seems like everyone around me is looking for their soul mate…searching and settling for anything that comes their way. Hoping that just maybe this person can be "the one."
Well, personally I believe that in order for that person to be your soul mate. There has to be some kind of chemistry, other than a purely physical attraction. There has to be commonalities. There has to be some sort of communication.
I'm watching my friends, claim their love for people and claiming they are their soul mates and I'm sitting here dumbfounded. Like what the fuck are you thinking? You can't talk to each other, you can't stand to be around each other unless you are fucking or getting something from them, you talk badly about them, what kind of relationships are they creating? Unhealthy.
When I meet someone, that could potentially play out to be someone really special in my life, I don't look at what they can do for me-money wise-or physically… I look at the bigger picture. How will this person affect me emotionally? Where is this person going with their life? Is it easy to share and converse with them? Can I see myself settling down with this person? Is this person genuine, caring, loving, good with kids, do they have a good sense of humor? I need someone who is focused, someone that is going to stimulate me, someone who is going to push me to want to do better, intelligent, happy, faithful, confident, strong, sweet, considerate, loving, loyal, honest, wise, someone that isn't a quitter [falling down is one thing…but not getting up is another].
I'm not saying she would have to have all of those qualities the day I met her…but she has to be willing to work on it….or build her character I should say…Everyone is a work in progress.
Check it. Sex is really important to some people. Matter of fact, I love sex. It isn't however the most important thing in a relationship, and to be quite frank, if that's all you have in a relationship, then it wont last.
Let me think on how to word this. I see these people who are in "relationships" [that's what they choose to call them] but all they are getting out of it is a good role around in the sack. No hating here. But really, what else are you getting out of that? Good sex, woohoo, what about an emotional connection [you don't have to have an emotional connection to have sex]? What about a partner? A commitment in life [other than in the bed.. sure getting your socks rocked off might seem good for now…but a few months down the road…are you really going to be content in your relationship?]
Need to wake up and look at the bigger picture. We are all too old for this shit.
You can't help someone who can't help themselves.
Take a chance, step outside the box, do better for yourself.
The Independent State of Angel..The confused musings of a twenty-something brain dead nerd.
Posted 5/25/2007 11:41:30 AM
We spend our entire lives searching for something. At this point…I don't even know what the fuck I'm searching for…I just know there has to be something out there that can make this emptiness I feel go away. Fucking A.
I just want it to stop.
I want it to start.
I want something.
I want her.
I want completeness.
I want something, yet I don't know what it is.
I want my days to be filled with somethingness instead of nothingness.
The nothingness is draining me.
I want him to disappear.
What is Chase going to think of me when he's old enough to understand he doesn't have a father?
Will he hate me?
Can I be a Mommy and Daddy?
Why do I underestimate my ability to be a parent?
Why do I constantly feel as though I'm going to be a let down?
I'm a parent.
How did this happen?
What kind of parent am I?
Will I be able to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done?
Why do constantly go through this inner struggle with myself?
My fucking head is killing me…just cut it off.
My eyes hurt to open..because my head hurts so bad.
My back is fucking killing me….it just wont crack.. fuck.
I'm constantly having dizzy spells and they scare me.
I need a doctor…yet I don't have the time nor money for that.
I need some sunlight…this dark hovering cloud is closing in on me and I'm starting to feel suffocated.
I'm down…and I'm still being kicked….jeeeze how long can you kick a dead horse?
I want love.
I want happiness.
I want everything and anything.
I realize that I still expect way to much from people…apparently I'm asking way too much of them.
Why can't people just be real…
If they admire my realness, why can't they learn something from me and do the same?
Why say one thing if you aren't really about it?
KEEP IT REAL.
Fucking A. That's the most annoying…I absolutely cannot stand it when someone portrays themselves in a way that isn't really them…just to look better. Fuck that I like real people..and eventually the real you comes out…..and in the end…..you look like a dumbass for being so fake. AND you are alone. Because I have no time for it.
It's like people hype themselves up to be something they think I will like and want to be around...when eventually that real person will shine through..and then I'm done with them..because they were fake all along.
Death…..I've said this before and I constantly
think about it…so I'm blogging it again.
Everyone dies….regardless of their age….shit happens…and some are prepared some aren't.
I find myself wondering if we come back to life in a different body..what really happens after we have ceased existence?? Do you believe in reincarnation?? How the hell does someone come to their next body?
What's your tombstone going to say? How can you really choose them before that day comes??
Someone once told me…."If you are afraid to die…then you are afraid to live." I agree. Take chances. If you are really afraid of death….then the only other option would be living forever…and that's just not a fucking option in this mortal word…there is no avoiding death here.
I told my twin the other day…if there is nothing do when you die…no heaven or hell….does that mean Mother Teresa and Adolph Hitler end up the same way or in the same damn place?
Are people scared because they don't know what's beyond this world? Are they not ready?
Another statement made to my twin…Death is like the ultimate college to get into…imagine fucking that up.
My theory…my personal opinion…..when I die….fuck…I'm dead… body and mind cease to function….and I'll just rot the hell away in the ground…end of the story…
Life however isn't pointless to me. I believe we should do anything and everything we can to enjoy the time we do have….and then when we do die….someone else can take our place and enjoy the few good things life has to offer.
The idea of rotting away in the ground….i must say…that isn't appealing to me at all…ick..rotting with millions of other dead fuckers…sick…..but cremation isn't a fucking option for me.
Jumbled thoughts.
My head hurts.
My heart hurts.
My back hurts.
I miss her.
I can't stand this.
When it rains..it mother fucking pours.
When I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel….it burns out once again.
Where is the happy medium?
When is enough going to be enough?
When will good things come my way?
Jesus christ I'm fucking down…stop kicking me.
As the days go by..it becomes harder for me to smile.
I feel trapped.
I feel emptiness.
I'm trying so hard to not be so fucking disconnected from the few I care about, but for some reason….i keep finding myself back at square one starting over….trying to open up..establish a friendship…
guys...i'll get it together sooner than later.
I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep struggling to solve this bullshit…and I'm fucking bound and determined to find some happiness…somewhere down the road.
Life sucks.
Posted 5/25/2007 11:41:30 AM
We spend our entire lives searching for something. At this point…I don't even know what the fuck I'm searching for…I just know there has to be something out there that can make this emptiness I feel go away. Fucking A.
I just want it to stop.
I want it to start.
I want something.
I want her.
I want completeness.
I want something, yet I don't know what it is.
I want my days to be filled with somethingness instead of nothingness.
The nothingness is draining me.
I want him to disappear.
What is Chase going to think of me when he's old enough to understand he doesn't have a father?
Will he hate me?
Can I be a Mommy and Daddy?
Why do I underestimate my ability to be a parent?
Why do I constantly feel as though I'm going to be a let down?
I'm a parent.
How did this happen?
What kind of parent am I?
Will I be able to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done?
Why do constantly go through this inner struggle with myself?
My fucking head is killing me…just cut it off.
My eyes hurt to open..because my head hurts so bad.
My back is fucking killing me….it just wont crack.. fuck.
I'm constantly having dizzy spells and they scare me.
I need a doctor…yet I don't have the time nor money for that.
I need some sunlight…this dark hovering cloud is closing in on me and I'm starting to feel suffocated.
I'm down…and I'm still being kicked….jeeeze how long can you kick a dead horse?
I want love.
I want happiness.
I want everything and anything.
I realize that I still expect way to much from people…apparently I'm asking way too much of them.
Why can't people just be real…
If they admire my realness, why can't they learn something from me and do the same?
Why say one thing if you aren't really about it?
KEEP IT REAL.
Fucking A. That's the most annoying…I absolutely cannot stand it when someone portrays themselves in a way that isn't really them…just to look better. Fuck that I like real people..and eventually the real you comes out…..and in the end…..you look like a dumbass for being so fake. AND you are alone. Because I have no time for it.
It's like people hype themselves up to be something they think I will like and want to be around...when eventually that real person will shine through..and then I'm done with them..because they were fake all along.
Death…..I've said this before and I constantly
think about it…so I'm blogging it again.
Everyone dies….regardless of their age….shit happens…and some are prepared some aren't.
I find myself wondering if we come back to life in a different body..what really happens after we have ceased existence?? Do you believe in reincarnation?? How the hell does someone come to their next body?
What's your tombstone going to say? How can you really choose them before that day comes??
Someone once told me…."If you are afraid to die…then you are afraid to live." I agree. Take chances. If you are really afraid of death….then the only other option would be living forever…and that's just not a fucking option in this mortal word…there is no avoiding death here.
I told my twin the other day…if there is nothing do when you die…no heaven or hell….does that mean Mother Teresa and Adolph Hitler end up the same way or in the same damn place?
Are people scared because they don't know what's beyond this world? Are they not ready?
Another statement made to my twin…Death is like the ultimate college to get into…imagine fucking that up.
My theory…my personal opinion…..when I die….fuck…I'm dead… body and mind cease to function….and I'll just rot the hell away in the ground…end of the story…
Life however isn't pointless to me. I believe we should do anything and everything we can to enjoy the time we do have….and then when we do die….someone else can take our place and enjoy the few good things life has to offer.
The idea of rotting away in the ground….i must say…that isn't appealing to me at all…ick..rotting with millions of other dead fuckers…sick…..but cremation isn't a fucking option for me.
Jumbled thoughts.
My head hurts.
My heart hurts.
My back hurts.
I miss her.
I can't stand this.
When it rains..it mother fucking pours.
When I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel….it burns out once again.
Where is the happy medium?
When is enough going to be enough?
When will good things come my way?
Jesus christ I'm fucking down…stop kicking me.
As the days go by..it becomes harder for me to smile.
I feel trapped.
I feel emptiness.
I'm trying so hard to not be so fucking disconnected from the few I care about, but for some reason….i keep finding myself back at square one starting over….trying to open up..establish a friendship…
guys...i'll get it together sooner than later.
I'm not going to give up. I'm going to keep struggling to solve this bullshit…and I'm fucking bound and determined to find some happiness…somewhere down the road.
Life sucks.
The pompous ravings of a twenty-something opinionated timewaster.
Posted 5/15/2007 12:19:52 PM
The need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. People would climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships for love. Without love, those mountains become unclimbable, the seas uncrossable, the deserts unbearable, and the hardships our plight in life.
The word “love” is used in so many ways. We love animals (cats, dogs, horses, hermit crabs), nature (trees, flowers, weather), people (kids, mom, dad, friends), activities (swimming, skating, skiing)…and to top it off we use it to explain behavior (“I did it because I love her.”).
I read somewhere that every child has certain basic emotional needs that must be met if he is to be emotionally stable. The basic need for love and affection, the need to sense that he or she belongs and is wanted. Apparently…if they get an adequate supply of affection, they will likely develop into a responsible adult. Without that love, he or she will be emotionally and socially retarded. Ouch.
Here’s a great metaphor: “Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank.’”
The need to feel love probably isn’t just a childhood thing. For adults…the “in love” stage temporarily meets the need to feel loved…it’s a quick fix. After the “in love” high starts coming down….the need to feel loved is going to resurface. Because again, it’s fundamental to our nature. The center of our emotional desires is to be love. We needed it before we “fell in love” and we will need it as long as we live.
I’ve such a people watcher and I sit and listen. And I’ve seen people completely lose everything they have worked so hard to build with someone, because one is lacking in the ability to emotionally love someone. I’m not saying they don’t love the other person. I’m just saying they don’t know how to show it. If you have one person pleading for emotional love, but only getting a couple of hours in the sac…and the person pushing for the sex thinks that’s showing love. It’s a big misconception. They think if they “make love” it will prove it the love is there.
Wouldn’t it just be nice if the “in love” feeling never went away? If you felt that way for always. Wishful thinking. Instead…you move along…growing together…move in together…and then it’s the little things that bother you (not taking the garbage out, hairs on the sink, which way the toilet paper comes off, shoes don’t walk to the closet, clothes to the drawers, coats don’t like hangers, socks are MIA during laundry…we are now at the point where a look can hurt and a word can just fucking crush.) Lovers sometimes become enemies.
“In love” is another way to say obsession. Falling in love is effortless. What we do in the “in love” state requires little discipline or conscious effort on our part. All the money we spend, long phone calls, gifts we give, are as nothing to us. It’s like this… instinctual nature of a bird dictates the building of a nest, so the instinctual nature of the “in love” experience pushes is to do outrageous unnatural things for each other.
After the “in love” burns out…and you return to the real world…do you choose to stick it out and learn and love and grow…even through all of the aggravating little things your partner does. Or do you call it quits and search for another “in love” experience?
Posted 5/15/2007 12:19:52 PM
The need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. People would climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships for love. Without love, those mountains become unclimbable, the seas uncrossable, the deserts unbearable, and the hardships our plight in life.
The word “love” is used in so many ways. We love animals (cats, dogs, horses, hermit crabs), nature (trees, flowers, weather), people (kids, mom, dad, friends), activities (swimming, skating, skiing)…and to top it off we use it to explain behavior (“I did it because I love her.”).
I read somewhere that every child has certain basic emotional needs that must be met if he is to be emotionally stable. The basic need for love and affection, the need to sense that he or she belongs and is wanted. Apparently…if they get an adequate supply of affection, they will likely develop into a responsible adult. Without that love, he or she will be emotionally and socially retarded. Ouch.
Here’s a great metaphor: “Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank.’”
The need to feel love probably isn’t just a childhood thing. For adults…the “in love” stage temporarily meets the need to feel loved…it’s a quick fix. After the “in love” high starts coming down….the need to feel loved is going to resurface. Because again, it’s fundamental to our nature. The center of our emotional desires is to be love. We needed it before we “fell in love” and we will need it as long as we live.
I’ve such a people watcher and I sit and listen. And I’ve seen people completely lose everything they have worked so hard to build with someone, because one is lacking in the ability to emotionally love someone. I’m not saying they don’t love the other person. I’m just saying they don’t know how to show it. If you have one person pleading for emotional love, but only getting a couple of hours in the sac…and the person pushing for the sex thinks that’s showing love. It’s a big misconception. They think if they “make love” it will prove it the love is there.
Wouldn’t it just be nice if the “in love” feeling never went away? If you felt that way for always. Wishful thinking. Instead…you move along…growing together…move in together…and then it’s the little things that bother you (not taking the garbage out, hairs on the sink, which way the toilet paper comes off, shoes don’t walk to the closet, clothes to the drawers, coats don’t like hangers, socks are MIA during laundry…we are now at the point where a look can hurt and a word can just fucking crush.) Lovers sometimes become enemies.
“In love” is another way to say obsession. Falling in love is effortless. What we do in the “in love” state requires little discipline or conscious effort on our part. All the money we spend, long phone calls, gifts we give, are as nothing to us. It’s like this… instinctual nature of a bird dictates the building of a nest, so the instinctual nature of the “in love” experience pushes is to do outrageous unnatural things for each other.
After the “in love” burns out…and you return to the real world…do you choose to stick it out and learn and love and grow…even through all of the aggravating little things your partner does. Or do you call it quits and search for another “in love” experience?
confessions from random idiots.
Posted 5/14/2007 3:46:16 PM
So I was browsing the Internet. And I ran across a confessions site. (http://grouphug.us/random/Friend's) . People just post shit that's on their mind. Well I came across one and it said:
yesterday i walked in on my sister sodomising my dad with a carrot.
she's 5
..>..> WOW. I can't even describe how that made me feel the first time I read it. I fucking puked in my mouth. What the fuck is the world coming to?That little girl is going to be the 13 year old little whore…five…and already knows something about sexual activity. Insane. There are enough little fast assed girls running around here…adding more to the list isn't necessary. And the father…that mother fucker should be fucking shot. Rot in prison. Sick fuck. I don't get it. The person that posted that…could have at least said whether or not he told anyone or if anything was done about it.
Another confession was: I put my penis in a goldfish bowl once.
Are you fucking serious? Can I get something more interesting…like how the goldfish nibbled on it? Damn screw the goldfish I wanna hear about…. how you strapped a butter knife to your dick and then stuck that in a light socket? That's my cup of tea.
Next confession: my mom had a siezure and survived. i wished she had died, i hate myself
Pft. Darlin…don't hate yourself…is your mom a certified cunt? Does she treat you like shit…belittle you and put you down? Never been there for you? Suck it up, don't hate yourself…hate that bitch.
Next: I want to go through a lesbian phase in college...I want to be able to turn my husband on years later by telling him about it.
Are you fucking serious?? You dumb bitch. Lesbian phase. That's fucking ridiculous. You should just say…I want to be a whore in college.
The next person says: I think i'd fuck anything with tits.
Boy, do I know a lot of people like this?? Alls I have to say on this one…is don't forget to use protection…don't want your willy or tongue falling off. And if that was a chick….then um…yea… dirty whore.
Ahh yes…next idiot: I am so horny, but i think I am fat even though I know its ok to be this weight, but I am too busy and too lazy to work out, so just started to use a pill to loose weight and hopefully it will work really well
YOU dumb fat pig….stop fucking complaining and taking the easy way out. If you get horny enough…you'll do something about losing that weight wont you? Actually you could join a fat whore club….I hear there are lots of people that like to fuck fat people…. Sick.
Um…next: I've been having sex with my 23 year old cousin for about 6 months now...she's just told me she's pregnant and that the baby is mine. both our parents are gonna freak when they find out as she doesn't believe in abortion so she's got to have the baby. I'll stand by her and support the baby but the bad part is I'm worried about the sex with her stopping.
Wow. I am so grossed out by this…they must be from Alabama or something…somewhere were fucking your cousins and brothers and sisters…is a normal occurrence. Fucking sicko. He's worried about the sex ceasing? Are you fucking serious? Dude..you should be worried about having a fucking RETARDED kid. Dumb fuck. Get some help.
I suck cock 12 times a day
(this confession obviously came from a WHORE).
i saved myself for marriage. and sex sucks
wow. Sucks for you idiot..who still does that anymore??
I once masturbated until I bled. I was high on Ecstasy so couldn't come. That evening sucked.
What a dumbass….really…why waste a perfectly good roll on masturbating…fuck that get up go on missions…play with glowsticks…listen to loud music…jump up and down……do something OUTRAGEOUS. Everyone knows you can't bust on X. Loser.
i sprained my neck after attempting to suck my own penis. i told my friends i woke up with it that way.
LMFAO I got a kick out of this fucktard. I don't even have anything smart ass to say. LOSER.
my nipples are the size of cds
WOW. This mother fucker should probably go see Dr. 90210. Ick. No one will ever want to touch those fuckers.
i told my roommates 16 year old girlfriend who had an abortion "who am i to judge? you're cooler than me, you've killed someone and i havent"
i also told my best friend at the time, who was put off by his sick aunt living at his house, "well hopefully the cancer goes terminal"
2 days after her best friend committed suicide, i told a girl from my work who badly wanted me, "if i was your friend, i'd kill myself too"
after a girl found out i had been seeing 3 or 4 other girls the entire 4 months we dated, she told me "i had sex with a random guy lastnight" and my response was "cool now your next date will be with a coat hanger."
one time i asked an indian with a malcolm x jacket on "is that a target?"
Now this motherfucker is kick ass! WOOHOO to the assholes.
I masturbate to the Harry Potter books, especially the parts with Professor Snape or Professor McGonagall in them. I am a girl.
WOW. Sick little fucker. You need serious help.
So yea..there were a lot more about young ass girls fucking their brothers and other kids…and how many people they have slept with or dicks they have sucked…and how they like to get high….blah blah blah.
I'm done for now..that solved my boredom. For a bit.
Posted 5/14/2007 3:46:16 PM
So I was browsing the Internet. And I ran across a confessions site. (http://grouphug.us/random/Friend's) . People just post shit that's on their mind. Well I came across one and it said:
yesterday i walked in on my sister sodomising my dad with a carrot.
she's 5
..>..> WOW. I can't even describe how that made me feel the first time I read it. I fucking puked in my mouth. What the fuck is the world coming to?That little girl is going to be the 13 year old little whore…five…and already knows something about sexual activity. Insane. There are enough little fast assed girls running around here…adding more to the list isn't necessary. And the father…that mother fucker should be fucking shot. Rot in prison. Sick fuck. I don't get it. The person that posted that…could have at least said whether or not he told anyone or if anything was done about it.
Another confession was: I put my penis in a goldfish bowl once.
Are you fucking serious? Can I get something more interesting…like how the goldfish nibbled on it? Damn screw the goldfish I wanna hear about…. how you strapped a butter knife to your dick and then stuck that in a light socket? That's my cup of tea.
Next confession: my mom had a siezure and survived. i wished she had died, i hate myself
Pft. Darlin…don't hate yourself…is your mom a certified cunt? Does she treat you like shit…belittle you and put you down? Never been there for you? Suck it up, don't hate yourself…hate that bitch.
Next: I want to go through a lesbian phase in college...I want to be able to turn my husband on years later by telling him about it.
Are you fucking serious?? You dumb bitch. Lesbian phase. That's fucking ridiculous. You should just say…I want to be a whore in college.
The next person says: I think i'd fuck anything with tits.
Boy, do I know a lot of people like this?? Alls I have to say on this one…is don't forget to use protection…don't want your willy or tongue falling off. And if that was a chick….then um…yea… dirty whore.
Ahh yes…next idiot: I am so horny, but i think I am fat even though I know its ok to be this weight, but I am too busy and too lazy to work out, so just started to use a pill to loose weight and hopefully it will work really well
YOU dumb fat pig….stop fucking complaining and taking the easy way out. If you get horny enough…you'll do something about losing that weight wont you? Actually you could join a fat whore club….I hear there are lots of people that like to fuck fat people…. Sick.
Um…next: I've been having sex with my 23 year old cousin for about 6 months now...she's just told me she's pregnant and that the baby is mine. both our parents are gonna freak when they find out as she doesn't believe in abortion so she's got to have the baby. I'll stand by her and support the baby but the bad part is I'm worried about the sex with her stopping.
Wow. I am so grossed out by this…they must be from Alabama or something…somewhere were fucking your cousins and brothers and sisters…is a normal occurrence. Fucking sicko. He's worried about the sex ceasing? Are you fucking serious? Dude..you should be worried about having a fucking RETARDED kid. Dumb fuck. Get some help.
I suck cock 12 times a day
(this confession obviously came from a WHORE).
i saved myself for marriage. and sex sucks
wow. Sucks for you idiot..who still does that anymore??
I once masturbated until I bled. I was high on Ecstasy so couldn't come. That evening sucked.
What a dumbass….really…why waste a perfectly good roll on masturbating…fuck that get up go on missions…play with glowsticks…listen to loud music…jump up and down……do something OUTRAGEOUS. Everyone knows you can't bust on X. Loser.
i sprained my neck after attempting to suck my own penis. i told my friends i woke up with it that way.
LMFAO I got a kick out of this fucktard. I don't even have anything smart ass to say. LOSER.
my nipples are the size of cds
WOW. This mother fucker should probably go see Dr. 90210. Ick. No one will ever want to touch those fuckers.
i told my roommates 16 year old girlfriend who had an abortion "who am i to judge? you're cooler than me, you've killed someone and i havent"
i also told my best friend at the time, who was put off by his sick aunt living at his house, "well hopefully the cancer goes terminal"
2 days after her best friend committed suicide, i told a girl from my work who badly wanted me, "if i was your friend, i'd kill myself too"
after a girl found out i had been seeing 3 or 4 other girls the entire 4 months we dated, she told me "i had sex with a random guy lastnight" and my response was "cool now your next date will be with a coat hanger."
one time i asked an indian with a malcolm x jacket on "is that a target?"
Now this motherfucker is kick ass! WOOHOO to the assholes.
I masturbate to the Harry Potter books, especially the parts with Professor Snape or Professor McGonagall in them. I am a girl.
WOW. Sick little fucker. You need serious help.
So yea..there were a lot more about young ass girls fucking their brothers and other kids…and how many people they have slept with or dicks they have sucked…and how they like to get high….blah blah blah.
I'm done for now..that solved my boredom. For a bit.
Something is Missing from my life.
Posted 5/14/2007 11:48:05 AM
So. Have you ever just stopped in the middle of what you were doing…to realize that there is something missing in your life? And you try and try to figure it out…you just have to know what it is, and yet you can't quite grasp it?
You don't know whether it's something or someone. You only know that there is an empty feeling inside that makes you suffer from unending questions and wondering. You know there is a piece missing in your life, and you're not whole.
What hurts even more is finding that missing piece and realizing it's not yours to have. No matter how reachable that piece is, you can never have it or even touch it.
Can life be anymore crueler than showing you, your missing piece, showing you the other part that can complete your life. But keeping it out of reach. It's like HAHA you can look but don't touch.
I sit and wonder if fate will play it's role as time goes by. Will there ever be a time where they wont have to exchange glances of hurt? Will there ever be a time for them to dance with each other…instead of someone else? Will there be a time for them to share the love they have without limitations? Will time be so kind to let the two be together? To say the words they've longed to say. To just lay down at night in each other's arms? To kiss away all those days of longing and waiting, to be able to smile from the heart and shed forever the tears and ache of unbearable pain, to be able to say "I'm happy" without pretending. To finally look into each other's eyes without looking away, and finally say, "I've found my missing piece…I've found you."
Will this time ever come? Or does one need to just accept the fact that life is never fair??
Posted 5/14/2007 11:48:05 AM
So. Have you ever just stopped in the middle of what you were doing…to realize that there is something missing in your life? And you try and try to figure it out…you just have to know what it is, and yet you can't quite grasp it?
You don't know whether it's something or someone. You only know that there is an empty feeling inside that makes you suffer from unending questions and wondering. You know there is a piece missing in your life, and you're not whole.
What hurts even more is finding that missing piece and realizing it's not yours to have. No matter how reachable that piece is, you can never have it or even touch it.
Can life be anymore crueler than showing you, your missing piece, showing you the other part that can complete your life. But keeping it out of reach. It's like HAHA you can look but don't touch.
I sit and wonder if fate will play it's role as time goes by. Will there ever be a time where they wont have to exchange glances of hurt? Will there ever be a time for them to dance with each other…instead of someone else? Will there be a time for them to share the love they have without limitations? Will time be so kind to let the two be together? To say the words they've longed to say. To just lay down at night in each other's arms? To kiss away all those days of longing and waiting, to be able to smile from the heart and shed forever the tears and ache of unbearable pain, to be able to say "I'm happy" without pretending. To finally look into each other's eyes without looking away, and finally say, "I've found my missing piece…I've found you."
Will this time ever come? Or does one need to just accept the fact that life is never fair??
Are you my Mommy? Will you be for today?
Posted 5/13/2007 5:46:45 PM
This may be a bit choppy…its not thought out..pre-written….just thoughts.
Are you my Mommy?
So it’s May 13th, Mothers Day. Woohoo.
My Mom cancelled on me. Figures….I should have expected it. We’ve had plans to spend time with each other for weeks now….and she calls me a couple of days ago to tell me she is feeling a Mother’s Day cold coming on.
REALLY?? Are you serious?
Wow. I haven’t seen her since the Stone Sour concert which was almost a month ago.
She ignores my calls and texts….but then flips out and calls me and says I never talk to her. And that I’m keeping my son away from her.
I asked her to go the park with Chase and I…and she says…”I’m not sitting at a fucking park. We live in Florida, it’s to fucking hot.”
So I told her to pick out something we could all do.
I refuse to go to her house…and watch her play her card games on POGO.
She’ll sit there…while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to baby proof her house.
It’s not acceptable.
She tells me a while back….after I had just asked if Chase and I could come by and visit her… she says…can’t you just drop him off for a couple of hours and come back and get him. I was like sure. Mind you…my feelings were hurt because it seemed like a big fuck you to me… she can’t stand to be around me unless we are stoned –which hasn’t been for years…
If she wants to see Chase and I…she’s going to have to come to us…because I am through trying. I’ve been trying for 15 years to make this woman happy and make her proud of me.
But I’m done.
I don’t have it in me to try anymore.
All I’ve ever wanted was a family. Just a Mom and a Dad. And I’ve had neither…. and for years it has eaten me alive…. but not anymore. My grandmother tried to fill the void in my life…but when the judge granted my Mother custody of me…. that was the end of my “happy” life. Because from there on out…. I was going to be left to survive on my own.
Which is exactly what I did. The woman that gave birth to me….left me at home for weeks at a time….so she could run off with her girlfriend. A Navy officer.
I still went to school…still played sports….cleaned house…..still did everything the way I should….. thinking it would impress her that I acted grown and still maintained my responsibilities whiles she was gone.. Yea right. She did nothing but belittle me and tell me how shitty everything was.
Whatever. I asked her once…why she hates me. It’s like I make her life hell…I’ve felt like that for my entire life.
She got pregnant on birth control…and had me…only to give me away. Why didn’t she just abort me? Maybe then I would have been able to come into this world…with a loving family. WOW.
I will say…. she has taught me a few things here and there. LIKE WHAT NOT TO DO TO YOUR CHILDREN. I would never treat Chase the way she treated me. He is my world and I couldn’t imagine him living somewhere else. Or not smiling at me everyday and hugging me and kissing me and playing.
I’ll be 22 years old tomorrow…. don’t know what time I was born…don’t know what hospital I was born in…and I don’t have any pictures of my mother and I from birth till I was 10. I have to go to the courthouse and get a copy of my birth certificate…because my mom is holding mine hostage. She’s just a peach.
The only thing I can say…. is…. I am the way I am….and I have my past to thank for that. And with me saying that…I don’t think the way I am is bad at all?
I’m extra guarded…because I don’t like being hurt…I’m extra untrusting…because people suck. I refuse to just jump in and out of relationships…because I’ve seen it all. It’s not pretty. I don’t want Chase around that shit. SO when the time is right…I’ll be in a relationship…but I’m trying to keep Chase from feeling or seeing what I did as a child.
My mom says I’m going to be a sorry mother just like her….and I have to disagree with that one…because I’ve made it 17 months with mine…and have never thought of dropping him off on someone’s doorstep and signing my rights over. I’ve never put a hand on him…. I’ve never chosen to go get drugs instead of diapers, wipes, food. Never will.
So…in conclusion…to this jumbled mess of thoughts….. I have to say…I’m ok with not having a mother. I have Chasers and a couple of great friends and that’s what counts for me. At least I have someone.
8 months and 24 days…this is the first Mother’s Day I haven’t spent with my Nana. It sucks.
Posted 5/13/2007 5:46:45 PM
This may be a bit choppy…its not thought out..pre-written….just thoughts.
Are you my Mommy?
So it’s May 13th, Mothers Day. Woohoo.
My Mom cancelled on me. Figures….I should have expected it. We’ve had plans to spend time with each other for weeks now….and she calls me a couple of days ago to tell me she is feeling a Mother’s Day cold coming on.
REALLY?? Are you serious?
Wow. I haven’t seen her since the Stone Sour concert which was almost a month ago.
She ignores my calls and texts….but then flips out and calls me and says I never talk to her. And that I’m keeping my son away from her.
I asked her to go the park with Chase and I…and she says…”I’m not sitting at a fucking park. We live in Florida, it’s to fucking hot.”
So I told her to pick out something we could all do.
I refuse to go to her house…and watch her play her card games on POGO.
She’ll sit there…while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to baby proof her house.
It’s not acceptable.
She tells me a while back….after I had just asked if Chase and I could come by and visit her… she says…can’t you just drop him off for a couple of hours and come back and get him. I was like sure. Mind you…my feelings were hurt because it seemed like a big fuck you to me… she can’t stand to be around me unless we are stoned –which hasn’t been for years…
If she wants to see Chase and I…she’s going to have to come to us…because I am through trying. I’ve been trying for 15 years to make this woman happy and make her proud of me.
But I’m done.
I don’t have it in me to try anymore.
All I’ve ever wanted was a family. Just a Mom and a Dad. And I’ve had neither…. and for years it has eaten me alive…. but not anymore. My grandmother tried to fill the void in my life…but when the judge granted my Mother custody of me…. that was the end of my “happy” life. Because from there on out…. I was going to be left to survive on my own.
Which is exactly what I did. The woman that gave birth to me….left me at home for weeks at a time….so she could run off with her girlfriend. A Navy officer.
I still went to school…still played sports….cleaned house…..still did everything the way I should….. thinking it would impress her that I acted grown and still maintained my responsibilities whiles she was gone.. Yea right. She did nothing but belittle me and tell me how shitty everything was.
Whatever. I asked her once…why she hates me. It’s like I make her life hell…I’ve felt like that for my entire life.
She got pregnant on birth control…and had me…only to give me away. Why didn’t she just abort me? Maybe then I would have been able to come into this world…with a loving family. WOW.
I will say…. she has taught me a few things here and there. LIKE WHAT NOT TO DO TO YOUR CHILDREN. I would never treat Chase the way she treated me. He is my world and I couldn’t imagine him living somewhere else. Or not smiling at me everyday and hugging me and kissing me and playing.
I’ll be 22 years old tomorrow…. don’t know what time I was born…don’t know what hospital I was born in…and I don’t have any pictures of my mother and I from birth till I was 10. I have to go to the courthouse and get a copy of my birth certificate…because my mom is holding mine hostage. She’s just a peach.
The only thing I can say…. is…. I am the way I am….and I have my past to thank for that. And with me saying that…I don’t think the way I am is bad at all?
I’m extra guarded…because I don’t like being hurt…I’m extra untrusting…because people suck. I refuse to just jump in and out of relationships…because I’ve seen it all. It’s not pretty. I don’t want Chase around that shit. SO when the time is right…I’ll be in a relationship…but I’m trying to keep Chase from feeling or seeing what I did as a child.
My mom says I’m going to be a sorry mother just like her….and I have to disagree with that one…because I’ve made it 17 months with mine…and have never thought of dropping him off on someone’s doorstep and signing my rights over. I’ve never put a hand on him…. I’ve never chosen to go get drugs instead of diapers, wipes, food. Never will.
So…in conclusion…to this jumbled mess of thoughts….. I have to say…I’m ok with not having a mother. I have Chasers and a couple of great friends and that’s what counts for me. At least I have someone.
8 months and 24 days…this is the first Mother’s Day I haven’t spent with my Nana. It sucks.
Turn it around.
Posted 5/10/2007 10:38:35 PM
Disclaimer: don't read this if you are tired of seeing me write about myself….. wait a minute. This is a blog. If you're tired of me writing about myself, why are you here? Why am I here? Damnit I'm leaving. **Exits stage**
So I'm tired of falling back into my old, bad habits. Because they make me a person I don't want to be. The fact that I'm the same person I was twenty one years, 11 months and 3 days ago…since my conception- is really fucking depressing.
I'm a natural born Taurus if there ever was one-loud, obnoxious, self-centered, passionate (this only leads to bad things in my life), generous to a fault, stage-stealing, pushy, hard-headed, strong spirited, messy, gorgeous but to strong a person to get a mate, full of pride, and fucking fiery. Which makes me wonder was I a Taurus before physical birth…and therefore just waiting for my parents to get it on at the right moment so I could be born into the sign of my natural state of being, or has being born as a Taurus affected what my soul is really like? And if so… what am I really like?
I think I will lack definition for myself until I spend some time alone, in quiet meditation. And I'm really thinking it's that time.
Before I can find out what I'm really like, underneath all this external crap, I need to change the external crap to be a person I want to be. Because I can't believe the person underneath is anything like the person on the outside-totally ruled by her ID, and completely connected to the material world. Let me explain that last sentence. There's nothing wrong with being connected to the material world—I'm of the opinion that being connected to the material world can actually be more beneficial than living in the spiritual in some ways. The negative aspect of the material world, the one that I have a connection to, is the consumerism thing. I like to shop. I love to shop. I need to quit. I'm going to cleanse my life of crap that I've accumulated, and I'm not going to get more. I need to be portable. I need to be able to pick up and leave at any moment, or I'll get stuck in the habit and rut and deny my need for change. I need to make it easy for me to change or I never will.
And I've figured to make it easy for me to change, I just need to change ("Just do it" would be so apt her but I fucking hate that line). I'm tired of doing this same old thing.
I need to cut myself off from old connections, just long enough to remake myself. I have to be from influences of other people.
Major Changes to make:
~I'm going to stop talking about myself. It inevitably leads to advice from other people, and that's never been what I'm looking for. I will make a shift to write in my personal journal every day, just to get it out there and down.
~I will think before speaking. FOOT LOSES ITS EXOTIC TASTE AFTER A WHILE.
~I will be strict with myself with regards to sleep, diet, doctor-time, and gym-time, in that order.
~I will be strict with myself, to get shit done on time.
~I will finish this nasty smoking habit off, once and for all.
~I will wake up on time every day.
~I will go to bed early at night.
~I will get myself out of this financial grave I have dug for myself.
Posted 5/10/2007 10:38:35 PM
Disclaimer: don't read this if you are tired of seeing me write about myself….. wait a minute. This is a blog. If you're tired of me writing about myself, why are you here? Why am I here? Damnit I'm leaving. **Exits stage**
So I'm tired of falling back into my old, bad habits. Because they make me a person I don't want to be. The fact that I'm the same person I was twenty one years, 11 months and 3 days ago…since my conception- is really fucking depressing.
I'm a natural born Taurus if there ever was one-loud, obnoxious, self-centered, passionate (this only leads to bad things in my life), generous to a fault, stage-stealing, pushy, hard-headed, strong spirited, messy, gorgeous but to strong a person to get a mate, full of pride, and fucking fiery. Which makes me wonder was I a Taurus before physical birth…and therefore just waiting for my parents to get it on at the right moment so I could be born into the sign of my natural state of being, or has being born as a Taurus affected what my soul is really like? And if so… what am I really like?
I think I will lack definition for myself until I spend some time alone, in quiet meditation. And I'm really thinking it's that time.
Before I can find out what I'm really like, underneath all this external crap, I need to change the external crap to be a person I want to be. Because I can't believe the person underneath is anything like the person on the outside-totally ruled by her ID, and completely connected to the material world. Let me explain that last sentence. There's nothing wrong with being connected to the material world—I'm of the opinion that being connected to the material world can actually be more beneficial than living in the spiritual in some ways. The negative aspect of the material world, the one that I have a connection to, is the consumerism thing. I like to shop. I love to shop. I need to quit. I'm going to cleanse my life of crap that I've accumulated, and I'm not going to get more. I need to be portable. I need to be able to pick up and leave at any moment, or I'll get stuck in the habit and rut and deny my need for change. I need to make it easy for me to change or I never will.
And I've figured to make it easy for me to change, I just need to change ("Just do it" would be so apt her but I fucking hate that line). I'm tired of doing this same old thing.
I need to cut myself off from old connections, just long enough to remake myself. I have to be from influences of other people.
Major Changes to make:
~I'm going to stop talking about myself. It inevitably leads to advice from other people, and that's never been what I'm looking for. I will make a shift to write in my personal journal every day, just to get it out there and down.
~I will think before speaking. FOOT LOSES ITS EXOTIC TASTE AFTER A WHILE.
~I will be strict with myself with regards to sleep, diet, doctor-time, and gym-time, in that order.
~I will be strict with myself, to get shit done on time.
~I will finish this nasty smoking habit off, once and for all.
~I will wake up on time every day.
~I will go to bed early at night.
~I will get myself out of this financial grave I have dug for myself.
Conform.
Posted 5/10/2007 11:16:52 AM
Conformity- Changes within
- A belief without question.
Why conform to the norm...
...when I can be abnormal?
Abnormality- Of no common principles
- A standard of not being normal.
I really think that if I presented myself in a normal state, then the main abnormality I would be at fault for, would be the conformity of a change in character and well-being you really couldn't accept in a normal conformed way of belief. So the preconceived notion would be to change the normal standard way of thinking to an abnormal state of well-being. In other words... accept the fact that sometimes, conception is your only normal perception.
Posted 5/10/2007 11:16:52 AM
Conformity- Changes within
- A belief without question.
Why conform to the norm...
...when I can be abnormal?
Abnormality- Of no common principles
- A standard of not being normal.
I really think that if I presented myself in a normal state, then the main abnormality I would be at fault for, would be the conformity of a change in character and well-being you really couldn't accept in a normal conformed way of belief. So the preconceived notion would be to change the normal standard way of thinking to an abnormal state of well-being. In other words... accept the fact that sometimes, conception is your only normal perception.
in a mother effin nutt shell....
Posted 5/8/2007 1:32:29 PM
I’m the girl your parents warned you about.
· I’m LOUD [at all times]
· I’m foul-mouthed.
· I’m very bitchy
· I'm persistant.
· I'm one of those that sets aside their feelings for way too long [and then explodes]>br> · I’m definitely narcissistic.
· I’m intelligent [but not smart]
· I’m creative [but not artistic]
· I’m hard-headed.
· I’m rude.
· I’m smart-mouthed.
· I’m arrogant.
· I’m mean.
· I’m LOYAL.
· I’m a JAW breaker and a survivor.
· I’m a chapstick whore.
· I’m a fucking maneater.
· I’m a flirt by nature [don’t mistake my flirtatious ways for something else.]
· I’m always picking my nose.
· I’m always trying to feel wild animals sticks.
· I’m the one that’ll step on your new shoes [then laugh about it.]
· I’m an adrenaline junkie.
· I’m a survey junkie.
· I’m vindictive [revenge is such a sweet, sweet thing.]
· I’m cocky.
· I’m not a lesbian, bi-sexual, or straight. Fuck your labels. ULTRASEXUAL.
· I’m easily pissed off.
· I’m a sucker for pretty eyes.
· I’m outgoing and energetic.
· I’m easily entertained.
· I’m an ass and tits grabber/smacker. [Uncomfortable? Get over it.]
· I’m a people watcher [yes. I talk shit]
· I’m the sucker that gives the homeless money, or I talk someone else into giving it to them.
· I’m content with just sitting at home.
· I’m not good at relationships.
· I’m stubborn.
· I’m extremely upfront.
· I’m an only child.
· I’m a lover and a fighter.
· I’m extremely protective of those I call friends.
· I’m addicted to Antigone Rising.
· I’m addicted to Razed in Black.
· I’m addicted to blogs.
· I’m addicted to cloud 9.
· I’m addicted to pain.
· I’m a camera whore.
· I’m very much a masochist. [sado at times.]
· I’m a text whore.
· I’m extremely OCD about the most retarded things.
· I’m a tomboy [yet such a girly-girl.]
· I never forget and I find it hard to forgive.
· I ask for advice but rarely take it because I already have my mind set.
· I can't be decieved into doing something, especially if I really don't want to do it.
· I love the smell of freshly cut grass.
· I love loud music.
· I love Sharpe markers.
· I love to play in the rain.
· I hate all people.
· I love animals.
· I love Angelina Jolie.
· I hate stupid questions and stupid people [but since they aren’t going anywhere. I laugh at their expense]
· I love to get fucked up.
· I love to make out.
· I love women.
· I hate being told what to do.
· I hate being rushed.
· I love guns and knives.
· I like to get dressed up for no reason.
· I love awkward silences.
· I love intense stares.
· I hate the feeling that I’m being [watched].
· I hate being told I’m hott. Get a new line.
· I love being around people. [yet I still hate them]
· I have to do something [if I’m told not to.]
· I make this weird noise to scratch the back of my throat and ear at the same time.
· I like red and orange skittles…and pink and orange starburst.
· I jump in mud puddles.
· I litter.
· I ride bikes in Walmart.
· I cause chaos in most places I visit.
· I dominate conversations.
· I eat the middle of oreo’s and throw the cookie away.
· I have an oral fixation problem.
· I’ll chew your straw, don’t like it? Get another one.
· I purposely dodge questions.
· I answer questions with questions.
· The friends I choose to associate myself with, are hand picked.
· I’m constantly thinking. Even if I say I’m thinking nothing. [there is a thought]
· I prefer music to T.V.
· I hate know it alls.
· I hate people that play the “poor me” role.
· I’m an asshole.
· I hate cancer.
· I’m addicted to myspace.
· I love compliments.
· I’m easy to get along with…the problem is getting close enough to find out.
· First impressions normally suck.
· Most people can’t see past my piercings and outward appearance.
· Fake people piss me off.
· I have a horrible temper.
· I’ll bust your bubble without even thinking twice.
· I love attention.
· I love to piss people off.
· I enjoy making random people uncomfortable.
· I can’t stand when people talk shit to others, but can’t say it to the one person it’s about.
· I love being spontaneous.
· I love my stuffed animals.
· If you fuck me over once [you wont get a chance to do it again.]
· I love the beach.
· I love to dance.
· I love to write.
· I love to read.
· I love the smell of milk and honey baby lotion.
· I love being a mommy.
· I hated being a wife.
· I don’t trust easily.
· People are intimidated by me.
· I fight way too much.
· And ever more sad. I need the fight to feel alive.
· I fucking rock.
· I fight for what I believe in.
· I don’t back down.
· I think rainbow should be a color. [my favorite]
· I say fuck a lot.
· I hiss at old people that stare.
· I tend to go off on a mission and halfway through it [I forget what I was doing.]
· I love button up shirts.
· I love great hair days.
· Livestrong bands rock.
· Sweat tea and coffee. [ I need them ]
· Never let a lady light her own smoke. [Got it TWIN?]
· I love Degree deodorant.
· I love Chuck Liddell.
· I hate fuck-tards.
· Liars can step the fuck back.
· I have 43 notebooks filled from the past 4 years. [No one will ever read them]
· I like Heineken beer.
· I suck at life.
· I don’t go to school.
· I love smoothies.
· I tend to be ridiculous at times.
· I rush into things without thinking.
· I have issues.
· People disappoint me, more and more.
· The person that disappoints me the most is myself.
· I think girls are pretty.
· I love make up.
· My boobs are rather large.
· I change my look often.
· I have a strong opinion about everything.
· You probably wont be able to handle me.
· I have freckles and I never see them.
· You’ll either love me or hate me. [Your choice.]
· The people I care about, are the ones I push away.
· I love to doodle.
· I have 6 tats.
· I get a tat or piercing when I’m hurting. It’s my release.
· I’m not a virgin.
· I speak my mind too much.
· I crack my knuckles on a regular basis.
· I think I’m prettier than you. Don’t agree? [fuck you.]
· I’m an other.
· I paint my nails so I can pick it off.
· I bite my lip for various reasons.
· I smoke.
· I need noise.
· I need eyeliner.
· I love road trips.
· I love to drive.
· I don’t like chocolate unless I’m PMS’n.
· Romance is overrated, treat me like a slut [you’ll get more of a response.]
· I love black and pink.
· I have a bad attitude and I like it. Go fuck yourself if you don’t.
· If I accept people on my friends list, that doesn’t mean that I want to hang out. I’m just raising the count.
· I hate talking on the phone [yet I’m always on it.]
· I hate people, yet I feel empathy towards them. Go figure. Lucky me.
· I just picked my nose.
· I love to be outside.
· I want to see a shark.
· I want to own a Zoo.
· I love the Wizard of Oz.
· I make lists.
· I call people retards especially if they are. Get over.
· I miss school.
· I hate cancer [but probably have it.]
· I ride four-wheelers.
· I start arguments.
· Make up sex rocks.
· Angry sex too.
· I don’t understand women.
· I love women.
· I hate women.
· I need women.
· I’m twisted.
· I like it.
· Do you like it?
· I have a reoccurring dream.
· If I say I need “Angel alone time” that means ALONE.
· The only thing worse than being alone is being with someone.
· I love legos.
· I can go on for days.
· I listen to songs on repeat for hours. Go away if you don’t want to hear it.
· I download music.
~ ~
♦♠♥I'm done. :)♥♠♦
Posted 5/8/2007 1:32:29 PM
I’m the girl your parents warned you about.
· I’m LOUD [at all times]
· I’m foul-mouthed.
· I’m very bitchy
· I'm persistant.
· I'm one of those that sets aside their feelings for way too long [and then explodes]>br> · I’m definitely narcissistic.
· I’m intelligent [but not smart]
· I’m creative [but not artistic]
· I’m hard-headed.
· I’m rude.
· I’m smart-mouthed.
· I’m arrogant.
· I’m mean.
· I’m LOYAL.
· I’m a JAW breaker and a survivor.
· I’m a chapstick whore.
· I’m a fucking maneater.
· I’m a flirt by nature [don’t mistake my flirtatious ways for something else.]
· I’m always picking my nose.
· I’m always trying to feel wild animals sticks.
· I’m the one that’ll step on your new shoes [then laugh about it.]
· I’m an adrenaline junkie.
· I’m a survey junkie.
· I’m vindictive [revenge is such a sweet, sweet thing.]
· I’m cocky.
· I’m not a lesbian, bi-sexual, or straight. Fuck your labels. ULTRASEXUAL.
· I’m easily pissed off.
· I’m a sucker for pretty eyes.
· I’m outgoing and energetic.
· I’m easily entertained.
· I’m an ass and tits grabber/smacker. [Uncomfortable? Get over it.]
· I’m a people watcher [yes. I talk shit]
· I’m the sucker that gives the homeless money, or I talk someone else into giving it to them.
· I’m content with just sitting at home.
· I’m not good at relationships.
· I’m stubborn.
· I’m extremely upfront.
· I’m an only child.
· I’m a lover and a fighter.
· I’m extremely protective of those I call friends.
· I’m addicted to Antigone Rising.
· I’m addicted to Razed in Black.
· I’m addicted to blogs.
· I’m addicted to cloud 9.
· I’m addicted to pain.
· I’m a camera whore.
· I’m very much a masochist. [sado at times.]
· I’m a text whore.
· I’m extremely OCD about the most retarded things.
· I’m a tomboy [yet such a girly-girl.]
· I never forget and I find it hard to forgive.
· I ask for advice but rarely take it because I already have my mind set.
· I can't be decieved into doing something, especially if I really don't want to do it.
· I love the smell of freshly cut grass.
· I love loud music.
· I love Sharpe markers.
· I love to play in the rain.
· I hate all people.
· I love animals.
· I love Angelina Jolie.
· I hate stupid questions and stupid people [but since they aren’t going anywhere. I laugh at their expense]
· I love to get fucked up.
· I love to make out.
· I love women.
· I hate being told what to do.
· I hate being rushed.
· I love guns and knives.
· I like to get dressed up for no reason.
· I love awkward silences.
· I love intense stares.
· I hate the feeling that I’m being [watched].
· I hate being told I’m hott. Get a new line.
· I love being around people. [yet I still hate them]
· I have to do something [if I’m told not to.]
· I make this weird noise to scratch the back of my throat and ear at the same time.
· I like red and orange skittles…and pink and orange starburst.
· I jump in mud puddles.
· I litter.
· I ride bikes in Walmart.
· I cause chaos in most places I visit.
· I dominate conversations.
· I eat the middle of oreo’s and throw the cookie away.
· I have an oral fixation problem.
· I’ll chew your straw, don’t like it? Get another one.
· I purposely dodge questions.
· I answer questions with questions.
· The friends I choose to associate myself with, are hand picked.
· I’m constantly thinking. Even if I say I’m thinking nothing. [there is a thought]
· I prefer music to T.V.
· I hate know it alls.
· I hate people that play the “poor me” role.
· I’m an asshole.
· I hate cancer.
· I’m addicted to myspace.
· I love compliments.
· I’m easy to get along with…the problem is getting close enough to find out.
· First impressions normally suck.
· Most people can’t see past my piercings and outward appearance.
· Fake people piss me off.
· I have a horrible temper.
· I’ll bust your bubble without even thinking twice.
· I love attention.
· I love to piss people off.
· I enjoy making random people uncomfortable.
· I can’t stand when people talk shit to others, but can’t say it to the one person it’s about.
· I love being spontaneous.
· I love my stuffed animals.
· If you fuck me over once [you wont get a chance to do it again.]
· I love the beach.
· I love to dance.
· I love to write.
· I love to read.
· I love the smell of milk and honey baby lotion.
· I love being a mommy.
· I hated being a wife.
· I don’t trust easily.
· People are intimidated by me.
· I fight way too much.
· And ever more sad. I need the fight to feel alive.
· I fucking rock.
· I fight for what I believe in.
· I don’t back down.
· I think rainbow should be a color. [my favorite]
· I say fuck a lot.
· I hiss at old people that stare.
· I tend to go off on a mission and halfway through it [I forget what I was doing.]
· I love button up shirts.
· I love great hair days.
· Livestrong bands rock.
· Sweat tea and coffee. [ I need them ]
· Never let a lady light her own smoke. [Got it TWIN?]
· I love Degree deodorant.
· I love Chuck Liddell.
· I hate fuck-tards.
· Liars can step the fuck back.
· I have 43 notebooks filled from the past 4 years. [No one will ever read them]
· I like Heineken beer.
· I suck at life.
· I don’t go to school.
· I love smoothies.
· I tend to be ridiculous at times.
· I rush into things without thinking.
· I have issues.
· People disappoint me, more and more.
· The person that disappoints me the most is myself.
· I think girls are pretty.
· I love make up.
· My boobs are rather large.
· I change my look often.
· I have a strong opinion about everything.
· You probably wont be able to handle me.
· I have freckles and I never see them.
· You’ll either love me or hate me. [Your choice.]
· The people I care about, are the ones I push away.
· I love to doodle.
· I have 6 tats.
· I get a tat or piercing when I’m hurting. It’s my release.
· I’m not a virgin.
· I speak my mind too much.
· I crack my knuckles on a regular basis.
· I think I’m prettier than you. Don’t agree? [fuck you.]
· I’m an other.
· I paint my nails so I can pick it off.
· I bite my lip for various reasons.
· I smoke.
· I need noise.
· I need eyeliner.
· I love road trips.
· I love to drive.
· I don’t like chocolate unless I’m PMS’n.
· Romance is overrated, treat me like a slut [you’ll get more of a response.]
· I love black and pink.
· I have a bad attitude and I like it. Go fuck yourself if you don’t.
· If I accept people on my friends list, that doesn’t mean that I want to hang out. I’m just raising the count.
· I hate talking on the phone [yet I’m always on it.]
· I hate people, yet I feel empathy towards them. Go figure. Lucky me.
· I just picked my nose.
· I love to be outside.
· I want to see a shark.
· I want to own a Zoo.
· I love the Wizard of Oz.
· I make lists.
· I call people retards especially if they are. Get over.
· I miss school.
· I hate cancer [but probably have it.]
· I ride four-wheelers.
· I start arguments.
· Make up sex rocks.
· Angry sex too.
· I don’t understand women.
· I love women.
· I hate women.
· I need women.
· I’m twisted.
· I like it.
· Do you like it?
· I have a reoccurring dream.
· If I say I need “Angel alone time” that means ALONE.
· The only thing worse than being alone is being with someone.
· I love legos.
· I can go on for days.
· I listen to songs on repeat for hours. Go away if you don’t want to hear it.
· I download music.
~ ~
♦♠♥I'm done. :)♥♠♦
The Rotting Face...dun dun dunnnnn.........
Posted 4/26/2007 9:43:17 PM
So....I'm glad to report....my face has stopped rotting. The spot is slowly but surely dissapearing. WOO FUCKING HOO!
BUT. That fucking retard that coughed his kindney up in my lap.....gave me what he has. I have a sore throat...cough.....my nose is stuffy on one side and running like NIAGRA FALLS on the other. ARG. I can't breathe....fucking a. I got in the shower with a shower soother...and that didn't go over well...made me sick...opened me up......but caused me to puke....maybe i shouldn't have closed the bathroom door...maybe it was just too much for me.
Today is my last day for smoking...so when I wake up tomorrow (Friday), it's going to be a new-smoke free day. I'm done.
I have motivation to quit. Getting back in shape....having Chaser's grow up in a non-smoking environment....saving money.....i hate the smell...and i hate to be around smoke....
why am i a smoker? i'm bored. so now...i'm going to be un-bored...and stop smoking...
not finished.
oh well....going to take a bath. no more shower soothers for me though.
ick.
still a fucking grouch.
me.
Posted 4/26/2007 9:43:17 PM
So....I'm glad to report....my face has stopped rotting. The spot is slowly but surely dissapearing. WOO FUCKING HOO!
BUT. That fucking retard that coughed his kindney up in my lap.....gave me what he has. I have a sore throat...cough.....my nose is stuffy on one side and running like NIAGRA FALLS on the other. ARG. I can't breathe....fucking a. I got in the shower with a shower soother...and that didn't go over well...made me sick...opened me up......but caused me to puke....maybe i shouldn't have closed the bathroom door...maybe it was just too much for me.
Today is my last day for smoking...so when I wake up tomorrow (Friday), it's going to be a new-smoke free day. I'm done.
I have motivation to quit. Getting back in shape....having Chaser's grow up in a non-smoking environment....saving money.....i hate the smell...and i hate to be around smoke....
why am i a smoker? i'm bored. so now...i'm going to be un-bored...and stop smoking...
not finished.
oh well....going to take a bath. no more shower soothers for me though.
ick.
still a fucking grouch.
me.
my face is rotting off.
Posted 4/25/2007 12:45:16 PM
so...definitely got bit by a spider...and it definitely started expanding...and becoming some huge spot on my face.
Got bit 4 days ago. now it's the size of a quarter. I went to the er. sat there for 5 hours...before i was taken to the back to sit for another 3.
I'm sitting in the waiting room and some man coughed on me. So i got extremely loud....and mean.
"CAN YOU FUCKING HACK YOUR ORGANS ON SOMEONE ELSE? SICK. COVER YOUR FUCKING MOUTH." he continued to cough...though not on me...and i was like "dude. seriously, i was sitting here first, you need to cough somewhere else...go get a mask." he got flustered and left.
then when i finally got to go to the back....the nurse was like "all your clothes off and put that gown on." she was rude too. damnit. I was like
"Clearly you don't know who you are talking to...I'm a fucking employee of this hospital, and i need your supervisors name. and Number two...you obviously didn't look to see what I'm in here for. I have a bite on my face. Which wont require me to remove any article of clothing...shooo I'm done with you."
it was a long night in the er. and I cursed everyone out...and over all...they still don't know what's going on with my face. they can tell its a fucking spider bite...but as for the rest they don't know. they gave me some cream...and its done nothing.....it looks the same...so i guess since it hasn't gotten worse..its doing something.
i'm still pissed though. my face is rotting off.
arg.
grouchy like always.
me.
Posted 4/25/2007 12:45:16 PM
so...definitely got bit by a spider...and it definitely started expanding...and becoming some huge spot on my face.
Got bit 4 days ago. now it's the size of a quarter. I went to the er. sat there for 5 hours...before i was taken to the back to sit for another 3.
I'm sitting in the waiting room and some man coughed on me. So i got extremely loud....and mean.
"CAN YOU FUCKING HACK YOUR ORGANS ON SOMEONE ELSE? SICK. COVER YOUR FUCKING MOUTH." he continued to cough...though not on me...and i was like "dude. seriously, i was sitting here first, you need to cough somewhere else...go get a mask." he got flustered and left.
then when i finally got to go to the back....the nurse was like "all your clothes off and put that gown on." she was rude too. damnit. I was like
"Clearly you don't know who you are talking to...I'm a fucking employee of this hospital, and i need your supervisors name. and Number two...you obviously didn't look to see what I'm in here for. I have a bite on my face. Which wont require me to remove any article of clothing...shooo I'm done with you."
it was a long night in the er. and I cursed everyone out...and over all...they still don't know what's going on with my face. they can tell its a fucking spider bite...but as for the rest they don't know. they gave me some cream...and its done nothing.....it looks the same...so i guess since it hasn't gotten worse..its doing something.
i'm still pissed though. my face is rotting off.
arg.
grouchy like always.
me.
shti talkers.
Posted 4/19/2007 7:23:25 PM
TAKE OFFENSE...I DON'T CARE.
Shit talking.... is an art.. Definitely have to have skill to call yourself a professional shit talker. Either you are good at it...or you aren't. Either you can back up what you say or you can't. Either you can be real about it or you can lie and say it wasn't you. Shit talking is everywhere. We all do it at some point...and if you are sitting there saying "well I never..." You're a fucking liar. Because point blank.... it's human nature. Get over it.... admit it. Come to terms with your inner demons.
I am definitely shit talker. So other shit talkers motivate me.... almost as much as the fucking subjects of my shit talking.. If I see a fuck-tard walking down the street in clothes that are clearly 3 sizes too small...and they look like a fucking sack of potatoes…..or they look like an overweight rhino in a fucking moo-moo….I'm either [A] going to ask them if they are wearing children's clothing (depending on the vibe I get...I'm not trying to send them off to kill themselves.) [B] Call out MEMO.... because obviously they haven't received the fashion memo my Twin and I send out on a daily basis.... that specifically states...wear clothes that are becoming of you...match accordingly...coordinate… etc.. Etc..... along those lines. [C] I'm JUST GOING TO POINT AND LAUGH... I'm mean...that's life.... I've clearly never said I wasn't.... and by god if you feel like pointing and laughing at me.. or calling out MEMO...or whatever....fuck…. do it....feeling froggy...leap... I turn down no one.. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion...whether you voice it or not is up to you.... cause chances are really good....face to face...my shit talking will crush yours. ..
If your make up is fucking seriously busted….I'm going to be the one to tell you. Bitch get a make-over…or wash that shit off…because my ass isn't going to be seen in public with you….and if I don't know you…I'll probably ask you if you did the shit in the fucking dark.
Definitely don't ask me if you look fat in your clothes…because yes…I'm the asshole that says "hell yea…you need a bigger shirt…I can see that disgusting fucking belly hanging out the bottom…along with your sag, bag, and drag…tits. Gross….cover that shit up…" I'm not to up to date on dressing fatty's but…I'm sure…..I could come up with something better than what you are wearing.
Don't ask me shit like that unless you want the brutal truth……I may appear assholic for this… hey… call me shallow…but I prefer to be seen with people that can at least cover their BMW's (bodies made wrong).
Yea I get told to go fuck myself quite often…and I definitely don't mind…because hmm…I do fuck myself…often and it's great. Really though…by telling me to go fuck myself…and getting all hissy pissy…panties in a fucking wad….you just showed me that I got under your skin…which is what I go for…and chances are really good the next time you go to do whatever I called you out on…you'll spend a little extra time to fix the fucking issue….whether it be your fucking make-up, clothes, how you fucking stand or walk. By me addressing your issue…I just helped you become less of a fucking outcast in society…
Wow. I am an asshole.
I shit talk religion.... I don't give a fuck what you are or aren't. I speak my mind. And if I find something to be utter bullshit...I call it like I see it. People need to seriously man up...take it or leave it...either love me or hate me... with my mouth...cause it isn't going anywhere.
I say what I want and I do what I want.... and I'm definitely allowed to do so. Free fucking country. Life goes on.
Now on to the "circle"...this chain of e-mails is probably the most retarded thing that I have had to deal with in a long time. Fucking drama....
Difference between my shit talking and that shit talking.... is I don't put bitches information and personal business on blast.....I keep to the outward appearance as my target....much more fun to trash talk people that can't dress...than to tell traumatic experiences...that could possibly send someone off on a killing rampage...or a suicide mission.. Anyone know what that movie was called...no never mind...I think it was called Gossip. or something of the sorts...where shit got too deep...they were talking about personal things...it went way farther than the clothes they wear or the shoes they had on. And people ended up striking out and trying to kill others or killing themselves.....
I mean if you have someone you would trust with your life and you just happen to accidentally run across someone that knew something about you...that only that other person knew...what would you think.
I keep secrets.. others secrets and most definitely mine.....I don't run my mouth about things that are of importance....... I'm LOYAL. Which is obviously a quality that is really coming up short in the American society.
I sound like a hypocrite...saying I'm loyal. yet I'm a shit talker...but seriously....I bash clothing. and fat people.....I would never betray my friends or family…I definitely don't call them overweight rhinos wearing moo-moo's behind their backs… and if I feel like something needs to be addressed with their appearance…I definitely address it… I wouldn't call the national inquirer and spread their business around or do anything that would jeopardize their life, their reputation, or anything of the sort..
I'm totally off subject...and now I must regroup. Arg. Think I will smoke a cigarette and come back to this...... signing off 6:47
ok. 7:18....and I'm back.
Really....I'm no better off now than I was when I left.
So.
I talk shit. Deal with it. I'm not causing traumatic experiences to be on broadcast....I don't talk about how many bitches you are fucking...or fucked...or if you are a whore or not...or how many baby daddy's a chick has....I don't really get up on that level... definitely could...but that isn't me.
I talk shit. Just deal. Makes life much easier…..for yawl…because I'm not going anywhere.
You wear busted clothes...you're a target. My twin and I will rip your outfit to shreds.
As far as spreading my business...it will come to a stop.... seriously. This storm is about to get really ugly..
My anger is boiling...I'm seeing red. I'm really close to exploding which probably wouldn't be the greatest since I'm in a fucking emotional mess right now.
Best thing to do.... back the fuck up from my personal life and my problems...go back to trying to be a friend from a distance.... because either you step back...or I'm going to put you the fuck out.
When I feel suffocated...I back the hell up. And right now...I'm feeling really fucking suffocated.... by all of you. So "circle" get the fuck up outta my shit.
And btw. Twin I know what you are thinking right now. So get out of my HEAD!
Until Next Time.
I Remain.
SUCH A FUCKING GROUCH.
me.
Posted 4/19/2007 7:23:25 PM
TAKE OFFENSE...I DON'T CARE.
Shit talking.... is an art.. Definitely have to have skill to call yourself a professional shit talker. Either you are good at it...or you aren't. Either you can back up what you say or you can't. Either you can be real about it or you can lie and say it wasn't you. Shit talking is everywhere. We all do it at some point...and if you are sitting there saying "well I never..." You're a fucking liar. Because point blank.... it's human nature. Get over it.... admit it. Come to terms with your inner demons.
I am definitely shit talker. So other shit talkers motivate me.... almost as much as the fucking subjects of my shit talking.. If I see a fuck-tard walking down the street in clothes that are clearly 3 sizes too small...and they look like a fucking sack of potatoes…..or they look like an overweight rhino in a fucking moo-moo….I'm either [A] going to ask them if they are wearing children's clothing (depending on the vibe I get...I'm not trying to send them off to kill themselves.) [B] Call out MEMO.... because obviously they haven't received the fashion memo my Twin and I send out on a daily basis.... that specifically states...wear clothes that are becoming of you...match accordingly...coordinate… etc.. Etc..... along those lines. [C] I'm JUST GOING TO POINT AND LAUGH... I'm mean...that's life.... I've clearly never said I wasn't.... and by god if you feel like pointing and laughing at me.. or calling out MEMO...or whatever....fuck…. do it....feeling froggy...leap... I turn down no one.. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion...whether you voice it or not is up to you.... cause chances are really good....face to face...my shit talking will crush yours. ..
If your make up is fucking seriously busted….I'm going to be the one to tell you. Bitch get a make-over…or wash that shit off…because my ass isn't going to be seen in public with you….and if I don't know you…I'll probably ask you if you did the shit in the fucking dark.
Definitely don't ask me if you look fat in your clothes…because yes…I'm the asshole that says "hell yea…you need a bigger shirt…I can see that disgusting fucking belly hanging out the bottom…along with your sag, bag, and drag…tits. Gross….cover that shit up…" I'm not to up to date on dressing fatty's but…I'm sure…..I could come up with something better than what you are wearing.
Don't ask me shit like that unless you want the brutal truth……I may appear assholic for this… hey… call me shallow…but I prefer to be seen with people that can at least cover their BMW's (bodies made wrong).
Yea I get told to go fuck myself quite often…and I definitely don't mind…because hmm…I do fuck myself…often and it's great. Really though…by telling me to go fuck myself…and getting all hissy pissy…panties in a fucking wad….you just showed me that I got under your skin…which is what I go for…and chances are really good the next time you go to do whatever I called you out on…you'll spend a little extra time to fix the fucking issue….whether it be your fucking make-up, clothes, how you fucking stand or walk. By me addressing your issue…I just helped you become less of a fucking outcast in society…
Wow. I am an asshole.
I shit talk religion.... I don't give a fuck what you are or aren't. I speak my mind. And if I find something to be utter bullshit...I call it like I see it. People need to seriously man up...take it or leave it...either love me or hate me... with my mouth...cause it isn't going anywhere.
I say what I want and I do what I want.... and I'm definitely allowed to do so. Free fucking country. Life goes on.
Now on to the "circle"...this chain of e-mails is probably the most retarded thing that I have had to deal with in a long time. Fucking drama....
Difference between my shit talking and that shit talking.... is I don't put bitches information and personal business on blast.....I keep to the outward appearance as my target....much more fun to trash talk people that can't dress...than to tell traumatic experiences...that could possibly send someone off on a killing rampage...or a suicide mission.. Anyone know what that movie was called...no never mind...I think it was called Gossip. or something of the sorts...where shit got too deep...they were talking about personal things...it went way farther than the clothes they wear or the shoes they had on. And people ended up striking out and trying to kill others or killing themselves.....
I mean if you have someone you would trust with your life and you just happen to accidentally run across someone that knew something about you...that only that other person knew...what would you think.
I keep secrets.. others secrets and most definitely mine.....I don't run my mouth about things that are of importance....... I'm LOYAL. Which is obviously a quality that is really coming up short in the American society.
I sound like a hypocrite...saying I'm loyal. yet I'm a shit talker...but seriously....I bash clothing. and fat people.....I would never betray my friends or family…I definitely don't call them overweight rhinos wearing moo-moo's behind their backs… and if I feel like something needs to be addressed with their appearance…I definitely address it… I wouldn't call the national inquirer and spread their business around or do anything that would jeopardize their life, their reputation, or anything of the sort..
I'm totally off subject...and now I must regroup. Arg. Think I will smoke a cigarette and come back to this...... signing off 6:47
ok. 7:18....and I'm back.
Really....I'm no better off now than I was when I left.
So.
I talk shit. Deal with it. I'm not causing traumatic experiences to be on broadcast....I don't talk about how many bitches you are fucking...or fucked...or if you are a whore or not...or how many baby daddy's a chick has....I don't really get up on that level... definitely could...but that isn't me.
I talk shit. Just deal. Makes life much easier…..for yawl…because I'm not going anywhere.
You wear busted clothes...you're a target. My twin and I will rip your outfit to shreds.
As far as spreading my business...it will come to a stop.... seriously. This storm is about to get really ugly..
My anger is boiling...I'm seeing red. I'm really close to exploding which probably wouldn't be the greatest since I'm in a fucking emotional mess right now.
Best thing to do.... back the fuck up from my personal life and my problems...go back to trying to be a friend from a distance.... because either you step back...or I'm going to put you the fuck out.
When I feel suffocated...I back the hell up. And right now...I'm feeling really fucking suffocated.... by all of you. So "circle" get the fuck up outta my shit.
And btw. Twin I know what you are thinking right now. So get out of my HEAD!
Until Next Time.
I Remain.
SUCH A FUCKING GROUCH.
me.
Gone.
Posted 4/18/2007 11:44:37 AM
She's gone.
I hurt.
She knows.
She read the letter.
I hate this feeling.
My eyes are swollen.
I miss her.
I can't sleep. My bed is empty without her.
I can't eat.
My heart hurts real good.
Our last kiss wasn't enough. I need one now.
How can anyone want this feeling?
I'm so proud of her for following her dream.
I hurt bc she is gone.
I believe the reason she was put in my life was to show me that love is real.
It hurts so good.
I feel human for the first time. in 16 years.
Love isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I need her.
I love her.
I'll see her around.
She taught me about light. My little dork.
Everytime I see it, I think of you.
Posted 4/18/2007 11:44:37 AM
She's gone.
I hurt.
She knows.
She read the letter.
I hate this feeling.
My eyes are swollen.
I miss her.
I can't sleep. My bed is empty without her.
I can't eat.
My heart hurts real good.
Our last kiss wasn't enough. I need one now.
How can anyone want this feeling?
I'm so proud of her for following her dream.
I hurt bc she is gone.
I believe the reason she was put in my life was to show me that love is real.
It hurts so good.
I feel human for the first time. in 16 years.
Love isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I need her.
I love her.
I'll see her around.
She taught me about light. My little dork.
Everytime I see it, I think of you.
my HEART hurts.
Posted 4/17/2007 3:03:56 PM
So...I said my goodbyes...and I haven't been able to stop crying since.
I love her.
I want her.
I need her.
We feel the same.
Distance will keep us apart.
She completes me.
I've never allowed myself to get close to anyone. From childhood issues...
I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and stomped on.
When the judge granted my mother custody of me...i felt crushed. She took me away from my family...my grandma. That's how I feel now.
I hate this.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
My head hurts.
My eyes are swollen.
My Stomach hurts.
22 years and I fall in love...at the wrong fucking time.
Funny thing is...I saw this coming from the start and I tried to avoid it...but it wasn't possible...I was hoping she would call it off...
Didn't happen.
So now I sit here....tears just streaming down my face....thinking of all the time we had. Hoping to have it again. Hoping our last kiss wont be the last.
I love waking up to her.
I love kissing her.
I love laughing with her.
I love our inside jokes.
I love how she makes me feel.
I love how she treats me like a princess.
I love the fact that she has goals and dreams and is following through with them.
I love I love I love.
I've never loved anyone but myself.
Now I know why.
SO i have a not so great friend that said drugs and alcohol would dim the pain....but really....wtf kind of advice is that. Are you fucking serious? I don't fucking do recreational drugs anymore...I'm surely not going to waste money on drugs or alcohol when I feel like this...what kind of high or drunk would that make for...I'd be crying or thinking intently about my problem. yea no thanks.....
she said i should do some ecstacy....that made me laugh...obviously she doesn't know a damn thing about that. I did that shit for 4 years straight....number one if i popped a pill or two right now...i'd have a bad roll.....number 2 it releases the serotonin in your brain to make yuo feel good.....and that makes you more depressed than you already are.afterwards..and your body has to work really hard to rebuild it. wow what an idiot..
i'm done i dont know.
me.
Posted 4/17/2007 3:03:56 PM
So...I said my goodbyes...and I haven't been able to stop crying since.
I love her.
I want her.
I need her.
We feel the same.
Distance will keep us apart.
She completes me.
I've never allowed myself to get close to anyone. From childhood issues...
I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and stomped on.
When the judge granted my mother custody of me...i felt crushed. She took me away from my family...my grandma. That's how I feel now.
I hate this.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
My head hurts.
My eyes are swollen.
My Stomach hurts.
22 years and I fall in love...at the wrong fucking time.
Funny thing is...I saw this coming from the start and I tried to avoid it...but it wasn't possible...I was hoping she would call it off...
Didn't happen.
So now I sit here....tears just streaming down my face....thinking of all the time we had. Hoping to have it again. Hoping our last kiss wont be the last.
I love waking up to her.
I love kissing her.
I love laughing with her.
I love our inside jokes.
I love how she makes me feel.
I love how she treats me like a princess.
I love the fact that she has goals and dreams and is following through with them.
I love I love I love.
I've never loved anyone but myself.
Now I know why.
SO i have a not so great friend that said drugs and alcohol would dim the pain....but really....wtf kind of advice is that. Are you fucking serious? I don't fucking do recreational drugs anymore...I'm surely not going to waste money on drugs or alcohol when I feel like this...what kind of high or drunk would that make for...I'd be crying or thinking intently about my problem. yea no thanks.....
she said i should do some ecstacy....that made me laugh...obviously she doesn't know a damn thing about that. I did that shit for 4 years straight....number one if i popped a pill or two right now...i'd have a bad roll.....number 2 it releases the serotonin in your brain to make yuo feel good.....and that makes you more depressed than you already are.afterwards..and your body has to work really hard to rebuild it. wow what an idiot..
i'm done i dont know.
me.
over it next.
Posted 4/17/2007 2:56:03 PM
So...it seems drama and lesbians go together.
well yawl can take your damn drama somewhere else.
I'M OVER IT.
If i fucked you...i'd say I fucked you.....why is it necessary to run around saying you hit something that you haven't ever touched. Get fucking real. Don't use me to boost your popularity......not to mention...you thought it was going to put you in the crowd.....when really after I rip you to shreds and call you out on your bullshit.....you are going to be underneath us completely and forever. Get away scum you are not needed. Sickening.
Next....don't hate. Appreciate....I say it again....if you spend or spent time with me...feel mother fucking special.....if you got dropped like a bad habit....sucks for you....you either [A] annoyed the fuck out of me...[B] couldn't hold my attention...[C] both A and B....there is no need to blog about how bogus I am or whatever else I may be.
Some of you know why I became distant in the past months...and those of you all are still special...just not what I need at the moment.
AH.....and one last haterlicious moment. FUCK YOU. You can hate if you want....dont hate her because she took the spot you were trying to get. LOL. LAME.
okies. I'm done.
one last comment.
I had such a great weekend. And I'm really not angry today...ok well maybe a little but nothing too serious or out of the norm.
until next time.
i remain.
such a grouch.
me.
Posted 4/17/2007 2:56:03 PM
So...it seems drama and lesbians go together.
well yawl can take your damn drama somewhere else.
I'M OVER IT.
If i fucked you...i'd say I fucked you.....why is it necessary to run around saying you hit something that you haven't ever touched. Get fucking real. Don't use me to boost your popularity......not to mention...you thought it was going to put you in the crowd.....when really after I rip you to shreds and call you out on your bullshit.....you are going to be underneath us completely and forever. Get away scum you are not needed. Sickening.
Next....don't hate. Appreciate....I say it again....if you spend or spent time with me...feel mother fucking special.....if you got dropped like a bad habit....sucks for you....you either [A] annoyed the fuck out of me...[B] couldn't hold my attention...[C] both A and B....there is no need to blog about how bogus I am or whatever else I may be.
Some of you know why I became distant in the past months...and those of you all are still special...just not what I need at the moment.
AH.....and one last haterlicious moment. FUCK YOU. You can hate if you want....dont hate her because she took the spot you were trying to get. LOL. LAME.
okies. I'm done.
one last comment.
I had such a great weekend. And I'm really not angry today...ok well maybe a little but nothing too serious or out of the norm.
until next time.
i remain.
such a grouch.
me.
For you all.
Posted 4/8/2007 12:50:52 PM
So I sat down with high hopes to have a blog subject...
No such luck. I want to write a blog...but have no clue as to what it shall be about. So I'll just go off on a random tangent. I'm good at these.
Almost 22. For the entirety of my life...you have beat me, broken me, scarred me, held me down, made me believe I was worthless. I've turned out to be bitter and paranoid. Thanks.
My bitterness is overwhelming for some....and others fight through it to find the softer side. Thank god some people believe I'm worth it....you sure as hell didn't.
Paranoid...because you left me. You are the reason I have abandonment issues...you are the reason I feel like I can't commit to anyone....you are the reason I don't believe anyone would ever want to be with me. You are the reason I have a complex. Thanx mom.
I never ever say these things to you....because I am a better person to you.....but I feel as though I can put it on blast now.
You have belittled me long enough.
You can take your bad white trash attitude somewhere else. It is not needed here.
I refuse to feel this way anymore. You want time. Then you need to find the time. I'm done. You want to see us...then you need to verbalize it...because I'm SO DONE.
You don't care about anyone but yourself. So you do you!....I'm gonna do me and hope to god that I can change for the better.....and continue to grow and learn and love......
You say I'm the spitting image of you...and I'm gonna be a sorry ass mom.....BUT you know what? I'll never be like you......I don't idolize you......and I never will....you are scum. Fuck yourself.
My view on the world is fucked. It's you. Thanks for fucking making me a nutt-job. Greeeat.
You treated me and Nana the same way. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU! God i can't say it enough.
FUCK YOU!
Anyways. Done with that for a minute.
Bitches....they need to step back. I'm doing the best I can...I'm juggling here. And I can't make all of you happy. So fuck yawl. Either take what you can get or back the hell up.
My goal in life is to do me...and when I say do me.....I mean it. I'm not trying to make yawl happy. It's all about Chase and I.
Yawl push for relationships and suffocate me...and I turn and run. I'm not gonna do something I don't feel comfortable doing. Hell naw. Chase isn't going to have women in and out of his life. Not cool. I aint tryin to date. I aint tryin to do shit.
If you spend time with me...feel privileged......if you get ignored...or forgotten about......sucks for you... my attention span is short. Life goes on.
I haven't shared anything that you didn't already know. Don't like what I have to say…then so be it. Done.
Hate me or Love me. Doesn't matter…..
Those of you that really know me…and know what's going on in my life…..I just want to say thanks…..
Thanks for being there on those days where I'm not my normal happy go lucky self. This shit hurts…hurts real good. My heart hurts, my head hurts….and I feel like I can't breathe when I think about what's getting ready to happen. I love her. I'm trying to deal with the way I feel. For the first time in my life, I feel something for someone that I've never felt in my entire life. I love her. The one thing I swore would never happen to me...and it did. It hurts and its great. I want it to go away.. But I never want it to leave. It's all I thought it would be and more. In love and didn't see it coming.
Until Next Time.
I remain.
SUCH A GROUCH.
me.
Posted 4/8/2007 12:50:52 PM
So I sat down with high hopes to have a blog subject...
No such luck. I want to write a blog...but have no clue as to what it shall be about. So I'll just go off on a random tangent. I'm good at these.
Almost 22. For the entirety of my life...you have beat me, broken me, scarred me, held me down, made me believe I was worthless. I've turned out to be bitter and paranoid. Thanks.
My bitterness is overwhelming for some....and others fight through it to find the softer side. Thank god some people believe I'm worth it....you sure as hell didn't.
Paranoid...because you left me. You are the reason I have abandonment issues...you are the reason I feel like I can't commit to anyone....you are the reason I don't believe anyone would ever want to be with me. You are the reason I have a complex. Thanx mom.
I never ever say these things to you....because I am a better person to you.....but I feel as though I can put it on blast now.
You have belittled me long enough.
You can take your bad white trash attitude somewhere else. It is not needed here.
I refuse to feel this way anymore. You want time. Then you need to find the time. I'm done. You want to see us...then you need to verbalize it...because I'm SO DONE.
You don't care about anyone but yourself. So you do you!....I'm gonna do me and hope to god that I can change for the better.....and continue to grow and learn and love......
You say I'm the spitting image of you...and I'm gonna be a sorry ass mom.....BUT you know what? I'll never be like you......I don't idolize you......and I never will....you are scum. Fuck yourself.
My view on the world is fucked. It's you. Thanks for fucking making me a nutt-job. Greeeat.
You treated me and Nana the same way. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU! God i can't say it enough.
FUCK YOU!
Anyways. Done with that for a minute.
Bitches....they need to step back. I'm doing the best I can...I'm juggling here. And I can't make all of you happy. So fuck yawl. Either take what you can get or back the hell up.
My goal in life is to do me...and when I say do me.....I mean it. I'm not trying to make yawl happy. It's all about Chase and I.
Yawl push for relationships and suffocate me...and I turn and run. I'm not gonna do something I don't feel comfortable doing. Hell naw. Chase isn't going to have women in and out of his life. Not cool. I aint tryin to date. I aint tryin to do shit.
If you spend time with me...feel privileged......if you get ignored...or forgotten about......sucks for you... my attention span is short. Life goes on.
I haven't shared anything that you didn't already know. Don't like what I have to say…then so be it. Done.
Hate me or Love me. Doesn't matter…..
Those of you that really know me…and know what's going on in my life…..I just want to say thanks…..
Thanks for being there on those days where I'm not my normal happy go lucky self. This shit hurts…hurts real good. My heart hurts, my head hurts….and I feel like I can't breathe when I think about what's getting ready to happen. I love her. I'm trying to deal with the way I feel. For the first time in my life, I feel something for someone that I've never felt in my entire life. I love her. The one thing I swore would never happen to me...and it did. It hurts and its great. I want it to go away.. But I never want it to leave. It's all I thought it would be and more. In love and didn't see it coming.
Until Next Time.
I remain.
SUCH A GROUCH.
me.
so.little.time.
Posted 4/3/2007 11:28:20 PM
All my life I have been hiding.
Keeping the world at bay. Allowing them to only see the exterior of me.
Then you come along with a random friends acceptance. And my world is upside down.
I never expected for things to come to this...matter of fact...I tried my damndest to avoid it. I never saw this coming. I'm so good at avoiding situations like this because I have unresolved issues deep within that normally keep me from feeling anything. Apparently they went on vacation when you came into my life.
You are by far one of the most interesting people I have ever met. And I value the time we have spent together. You've taught me a few things about myself.
There are so many things that I want to say to you and feel like I need to say to you.... but can't...maybe I just refuse to say them. Whatever. They wont be said. It's just not the right time.
Alls I can say is that you have turned out to be exactly what I knew you would. I dig you.
I'd like to think we will meet again under different circumstances. Who knows?
When a loved one or a friend moves away....contact dwindles....and conversations space out.....can we make a pact to stay in touch and try to maintain the same relationship we now have?
You don't know how I'm feeling…..because I haven't vocalized it. Can you see the desire that's within…just from looking into my eyes?
The camouflaged emotions……Lead to my pain and silent cries.
And yet I just can't tell you…..I wish you could see it in my eyes?
I wish I could just tell you how I feel.
I love to see you smile
And I love knowing that I caused that smile
I love to see you happy
And I love knowing that I caused that happiness
I love to look into your beautiful eyes
And I love the way I fall into them
I love it when you hold my hand
And I love having the courage to grab and hold yours
I love to tease and torment you
And I love it when you tease and torment me
I love it when you touch me
And I love to touch you
I love rediscovering how beautiful you are each time I see you
And I love realizing how attractive you make me feel
I love wanting so badly to kiss you
And I love the way you want to take things slow
I love the fact that you still want to be my friend
And I love that I want to be yours
I love so many things about you
But the most important thing is:
............................. (to be continued)
until next time.
i remain.
just.me.
one last thing. Shutting down would rip my heart out.
Posted 4/3/2007 11:28:20 PM
All my life I have been hiding.
Keeping the world at bay. Allowing them to only see the exterior of me.
Then you come along with a random friends acceptance. And my world is upside down.
I never expected for things to come to this...matter of fact...I tried my damndest to avoid it. I never saw this coming. I'm so good at avoiding situations like this because I have unresolved issues deep within that normally keep me from feeling anything. Apparently they went on vacation when you came into my life.
You are by far one of the most interesting people I have ever met. And I value the time we have spent together. You've taught me a few things about myself.
There are so many things that I want to say to you and feel like I need to say to you.... but can't...maybe I just refuse to say them. Whatever. They wont be said. It's just not the right time.
Alls I can say is that you have turned out to be exactly what I knew you would. I dig you.
I'd like to think we will meet again under different circumstances. Who knows?
When a loved one or a friend moves away....contact dwindles....and conversations space out.....can we make a pact to stay in touch and try to maintain the same relationship we now have?
You don't know how I'm feeling…..because I haven't vocalized it. Can you see the desire that's within…just from looking into my eyes?
The camouflaged emotions……Lead to my pain and silent cries.
And yet I just can't tell you…..I wish you could see it in my eyes?
I wish I could just tell you how I feel.
I love to see you smile
And I love knowing that I caused that smile
I love to see you happy
And I love knowing that I caused that happiness
I love to look into your beautiful eyes
And I love the way I fall into them
I love it when you hold my hand
And I love having the courage to grab and hold yours
I love to tease and torment you
And I love it when you tease and torment me
I love it when you touch me
And I love to touch you
I love rediscovering how beautiful you are each time I see you
And I love realizing how attractive you make me feel
I love wanting so badly to kiss you
And I love the way you want to take things slow
I love the fact that you still want to be my friend
And I love that I want to be yours
I love so many things about you
But the most important thing is:
............................. (to be continued)
until next time.
i remain.
just.me.
one last thing. Shutting down would rip my heart out.
My letter to her.
Posted 3/30/2007 3:37:09 PM
She leaves on April 18th for California. I wont be giving it to her until the day she leaves.
Feedback appreciated.
My Dearest Rachel,
Since the moment you kissed me, I knew I was in for the love of my life or the biggest heartbreak I could ever imagine. You took my breath away. I was so caught up in you, your scent, the feel of your lips on mine. I forgot to breathe.
If only I had known that you were out there- then I would have been searching long before we met. Now that I have found you, I don't want to let you go. I want to keep you, make you and I- an us. I know having you isn't an option. But I can't stop wanting you - all of you. Mind, Body, Heart, and Soul.
I've thought of a million and one things I could say- to try and convince you to stay. But no worries- I wont say them. I'm not that selfish. I know you need to go and I admire the fact that you have goals and dreams, and you are fulfilling them.
Rachel, what I feel for you isn't going to go away. Hopefully one day we will meet again, at the right time. And things will work out.
I'm sorry for dumping this on you- but I'm not sorry for how I feel. God knows I didn't expect it- and when I noticed it, I tried to avoid it. I've kept how I feel a secret- thinking it would be easier left unsaid, easier to protect my heart. Kept it a secret for fear of rejection- fear of unknown territory for me. I didn't want to scare you off or stress you out anymore than you already were.
I love you and I don't expect anything in return. I just couldn't bear the thought of you leaving here and not knowing.
It's March 30, 2007 and I'm writing to tell you how I feel. It'll probably be April 18th for you right about now.
Your journey has begun and there is no turning back. I wish you all of the luck in the world. I have great faith in you and I know you are going to do big things.
So wipe those "what ifs" out of your mind. Live up your dream, make something of yourself. And know that I'll be cheering you on every step of the way.
Our time together has been wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've enjoyed learning you, laughing with you, and secretly loving you. Thank you for showing me love is real.
Until we meet again, just know.....
I love you more today than I did yesterday and I'll love you more tomorrow than I did today.
love always,
angel.
Posted 3/30/2007 3:37:09 PM
She leaves on April 18th for California. I wont be giving it to her until the day she leaves.
Feedback appreciated.
My Dearest Rachel,
Since the moment you kissed me, I knew I was in for the love of my life or the biggest heartbreak I could ever imagine. You took my breath away. I was so caught up in you, your scent, the feel of your lips on mine. I forgot to breathe.
If only I had known that you were out there- then I would have been searching long before we met. Now that I have found you, I don't want to let you go. I want to keep you, make you and I- an us. I know having you isn't an option. But I can't stop wanting you - all of you. Mind, Body, Heart, and Soul.
I've thought of a million and one things I could say- to try and convince you to stay. But no worries- I wont say them. I'm not that selfish. I know you need to go and I admire the fact that you have goals and dreams, and you are fulfilling them.
Rachel, what I feel for you isn't going to go away. Hopefully one day we will meet again, at the right time. And things will work out.
I'm sorry for dumping this on you- but I'm not sorry for how I feel. God knows I didn't expect it- and when I noticed it, I tried to avoid it. I've kept how I feel a secret- thinking it would be easier left unsaid, easier to protect my heart. Kept it a secret for fear of rejection- fear of unknown territory for me. I didn't want to scare you off or stress you out anymore than you already were.
I love you and I don't expect anything in return. I just couldn't bear the thought of you leaving here and not knowing.
It's March 30, 2007 and I'm writing to tell you how I feel. It'll probably be April 18th for you right about now.
Your journey has begun and there is no turning back. I wish you all of the luck in the world. I have great faith in you and I know you are going to do big things.
So wipe those "what ifs" out of your mind. Live up your dream, make something of yourself. And know that I'll be cheering you on every step of the way.
Our time together has been wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've enjoyed learning you, laughing with you, and secretly loving you. Thank you for showing me love is real.
Until we meet again, just know.....
I love you more today than I did yesterday and I'll love you more tomorrow than I did today.
love always,
angel.
her.and.more.with pictures.
Posted 2/20/2007 11:57:34 PM
So, i really don't have much to say.... that is of importance to any of yawl.
I went out on an anti-valentines day extravaganza. Had fun.
I dig her.
She makes me comfortable.
She is comfortable.
She has a great sense of humor.
She makes me laugh.
She has a contagious smile.
She looks at me as if I'm the only girl in the world.
She is smart and intelligent (and no they aren't the same).
She has a great attitude.
She is passionate about her goals.
She gives me butterflies.
She is thoughtful.
She is respectful.
She sparks my creativity and imagination.
She treats me like royalty.
She completely rocks my world.
She is....
She is the one.
Every time I look at her, I feel like my heart skips a beat.
I love waking up with her by my side.
I can't picture not having met her.
I can't picture myself letting her go when the time comes.
I see it now. 22 years I have dated and dated and dated.... and never fell in love or felt any type of emotion for any of them. Here she comes and my world is upside down. I'm full of emotions I never even knew existed inside of me.
It sucks and it rocks at the same time.
I wish I didn't enjoy her as much as I do. Because in the end, there can be no us. She'll be leaving to follow her dream (which I do so admire) and I will be here in Florida living my own.
I never saw it coming.....and I wish I could have. Retrospect is a motherfucker.
So yes, Lauren you were right. That one day has come and it sucks. I can't seem to get past what I know is coming up. The end. It doesn't seem fair. But when is life ever really fair?
Ah we win some and we lose some.
still not finished.
until next time.
i remain.
such a grouch.
me.
some recent pics.
this next one is after we went to see the dead bodies exibit. with over 200 chopped up asian people rock on!
Posted 2/20/2007 11:57:34 PM
So, i really don't have much to say.... that is of importance to any of yawl.
I went out on an anti-valentines day extravaganza. Had fun.
I dig her.
She makes me comfortable.
She is comfortable.
She has a great sense of humor.
She makes me laugh.
She has a contagious smile.
She looks at me as if I'm the only girl in the world.
She is smart and intelligent (and no they aren't the same).
She has a great attitude.
She is passionate about her goals.
She gives me butterflies.
She is thoughtful.
She is respectful.
She sparks my creativity and imagination.
She treats me like royalty.
She completely rocks my world.
She is....
She is the one.
Every time I look at her, I feel like my heart skips a beat.
I love waking up with her by my side.
I can't picture not having met her.
I can't picture myself letting her go when the time comes.
I see it now. 22 years I have dated and dated and dated.... and never fell in love or felt any type of emotion for any of them. Here she comes and my world is upside down. I'm full of emotions I never even knew existed inside of me.
It sucks and it rocks at the same time.
I wish I didn't enjoy her as much as I do. Because in the end, there can be no us. She'll be leaving to follow her dream (which I do so admire) and I will be here in Florida living my own.
I never saw it coming.....and I wish I could have. Retrospect is a motherfucker.
So yes, Lauren you were right. That one day has come and it sucks. I can't seem to get past what I know is coming up. The end. It doesn't seem fair. But when is life ever really fair?
Ah we win some and we lose some.
still not finished.
until next time.
i remain.
such a grouch.
me.
some recent pics.
this next one is after we went to see the dead bodies exibit. with over 200 chopped up asian people rock on!
it's been a long time coming.
Posted 2/12/2007 6:14:19 PM
So….ya girl is back…feeling blog-tastic at last.
Here I am back again…..finally feeling like I can blog.
I have shit to say.
In life we are given scenarios that we have to play out…think smart…maneuver and get through. They either make you or break you. You are the decider of what will become of you. You hold the power.
I am the great and almighty Angel…bear with me here….for this only pertains to me in my little world.. I hold the power in my life. I make the decisions concerning my life…and the life of my child.
Shit happens….and sometimes things seem like they are unbearable…sometimes I just want to say "Fuck it… I quit." But then I sit back….analyze my situation and realize…. I'm too strong for that. Nothing nor no one will hold me down or back from what I truly believe is my calling….or my meaning.
I don't ask for your opinion…I don't want your opinion. I do me. You either love me or you hate me…and personally I could give two shits which one you choose.
Lets see. Friends.
Why on earth is there such a thing as having friends? You have to go through about 50 of them to find one that is worth a damn….
I witnessed an unnecessary, dramatic, and hurtful event this weekend. As much as I would like to share the story I wont. It's not necessary to relive….but I will say.
We were brought up to treat people the way we want to be treated. Yet so many people treat others like shit but still expect to be treated like a fucking saint. It doesn't work that way.
I just set someone, whom I believed to be my friend, loose, because she doesn't know how to treat people. At first it didn't seem intentional, but now it does. Let me clarify something. She did nothing directed at me. But she directed her childish games at someone I do care about. Actually 2 people I care about.
It pissed me off to no end. Therefore I can't associate myself with her. I have nothing nice to say…so I'm better off not saying anything what so ever and staying the hell away from her and her issues.
Next order of business. I have very few people that I share my world with…but if I do choose to do so….feel fucking flattered…..and be wise…..because it's no where near as hard for me to set you loose, as it was for me to let you in.
Negative energy is all around us…. I wish that it would stay the hell away from me and mine.
Hmm…..this seems to be a long one tonight.
I find myself thinking about my Nana a lot. I work in a cancer treatment center…and the ladies that are undergoing chemo and radiation all tend to kind-of look alike. It's odd. Sometimes I look at a woman and for a spit second I see my Nana…just as clear as day…then I shake my head and try to focus again…because I know it isn't her.
I'll never see her again….and it fucking eats me up inside. I can't stand it. Sometimes I find myself just standing somewhere thinking about her…and tears are rolling down my face…..without me even realizing it. I wipe the tears…gather myself .. and keep on truckin.
I miss her so much. I have pictures of her and I together….and I can't even look at them. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and the times we had. It pains me to know that my son will never get a chance to meet the woman who raised me up from a tot. he'll never get to hear her stories…or watch her work….or go fishing with her…..
I still can't believe she is gone. I try so hard to block it out…but it doesn't go away. The hurt is still there. The little reminders are still there.
When I went home for Christmas….i went to her grave. I don't know how long I stood there just staring at it. I also stopped by her old business shop….it's now sold and belongs to some lady…but it still looks like her flower shop. I walked around the parking lot….looked in the windows……as I looked in….i could picture me being plopped up on one of the counters watching her make something beautiful out of nothing. I remember trying to do the same. I remember playing and laughing and loving and living with her. She was my world for so many years as I was hers. She was my backbone, my savior, my mentor, my center.
She was a great woman. She touched the lives of many people. She taught me so many wonderful things about life. She helped to mold me into who I am today.
She showed me that it's not about how much money someone has or how fancy their life is….its not about quantity. Its about quality. Life is what we make it.
She was a strong woman. She fought until the end. I'll never forget her. Ever. Sometimes I get scared and I feel like I'm forgetting the important things that she and I experienced together.. sometimes its hard for me to picture her face…and it scares the shit out of me….but I take a couple of deep breaths….stop panicking and it comes back to me.
I really hope that I have an impact on people like she did. I hope that I can instill the same morals in my child that she instilled upon me.
I wish that life wasn't so cut and dry. Life/death. That's it. Once you are done….you're done….and off you go to be buried or burned…take your choice. Lay in the ground with a billion other dead rotting bodies…or burned to a crisp sitting on a mantle or spread all over who knows where..i personally don't want to do either. Fucking inject me with that weird shit they are using on those asian bodies…and keep me looking just like I did. Use me for a Halloween decoration or something…..fuck I don't know….. I just don't like the idea of rotting away with all those other dead fucks. Or havn my ashes dumped somewhere…..where they will all separate apart…and send bits and pieces of me all over. Ick.
Life….what the fuck are you here for? What the fuck am I here for? Why are humans fucking running around killing each other? Life is too fucking short for this shit. It sucks.
I'm done.
Until Next Time.
I Remain.
Such A Grouch.
me.
Posted 2/12/2007 6:14:19 PM
So….ya girl is back…feeling blog-tastic at last.
Here I am back again…..finally feeling like I can blog.
I have shit to say.
In life we are given scenarios that we have to play out…think smart…maneuver and get through. They either make you or break you. You are the decider of what will become of you. You hold the power.
I am the great and almighty Angel…bear with me here….for this only pertains to me in my little world.. I hold the power in my life. I make the decisions concerning my life…and the life of my child.
Shit happens….and sometimes things seem like they are unbearable…sometimes I just want to say "Fuck it… I quit." But then I sit back….analyze my situation and realize…. I'm too strong for that. Nothing nor no one will hold me down or back from what I truly believe is my calling….or my meaning.
I don't ask for your opinion…I don't want your opinion. I do me. You either love me or you hate me…and personally I could give two shits which one you choose.
Lets see. Friends.
Why on earth is there such a thing as having friends? You have to go through about 50 of them to find one that is worth a damn….
I witnessed an unnecessary, dramatic, and hurtful event this weekend. As much as I would like to share the story I wont. It's not necessary to relive….but I will say.
We were brought up to treat people the way we want to be treated. Yet so many people treat others like shit but still expect to be treated like a fucking saint. It doesn't work that way.
I just set someone, whom I believed to be my friend, loose, because she doesn't know how to treat people. At first it didn't seem intentional, but now it does. Let me clarify something. She did nothing directed at me. But she directed her childish games at someone I do care about. Actually 2 people I care about.
It pissed me off to no end. Therefore I can't associate myself with her. I have nothing nice to say…so I'm better off not saying anything what so ever and staying the hell away from her and her issues.
Next order of business. I have very few people that I share my world with…but if I do choose to do so….feel fucking flattered…..and be wise…..because it's no where near as hard for me to set you loose, as it was for me to let you in.
Negative energy is all around us…. I wish that it would stay the hell away from me and mine.
Hmm…..this seems to be a long one tonight.
I find myself thinking about my Nana a lot. I work in a cancer treatment center…and the ladies that are undergoing chemo and radiation all tend to kind-of look alike. It's odd. Sometimes I look at a woman and for a spit second I see my Nana…just as clear as day…then I shake my head and try to focus again…because I know it isn't her.
I'll never see her again….and it fucking eats me up inside. I can't stand it. Sometimes I find myself just standing somewhere thinking about her…and tears are rolling down my face…..without me even realizing it. I wipe the tears…gather myself .. and keep on truckin.
I miss her so much. I have pictures of her and I together….and I can't even look at them. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and the times we had. It pains me to know that my son will never get a chance to meet the woman who raised me up from a tot. he'll never get to hear her stories…or watch her work….or go fishing with her…..
I still can't believe she is gone. I try so hard to block it out…but it doesn't go away. The hurt is still there. The little reminders are still there.
When I went home for Christmas….i went to her grave. I don't know how long I stood there just staring at it. I also stopped by her old business shop….it's now sold and belongs to some lady…but it still looks like her flower shop. I walked around the parking lot….looked in the windows……as I looked in….i could picture me being plopped up on one of the counters watching her make something beautiful out of nothing. I remember trying to do the same. I remember playing and laughing and loving and living with her. She was my world for so many years as I was hers. She was my backbone, my savior, my mentor, my center.
She was a great woman. She touched the lives of many people. She taught me so many wonderful things about life. She helped to mold me into who I am today.
She showed me that it's not about how much money someone has or how fancy their life is….its not about quantity. Its about quality. Life is what we make it.
She was a strong woman. She fought until the end. I'll never forget her. Ever. Sometimes I get scared and I feel like I'm forgetting the important things that she and I experienced together.. sometimes its hard for me to picture her face…and it scares the shit out of me….but I take a couple of deep breaths….stop panicking and it comes back to me.
I really hope that I have an impact on people like she did. I hope that I can instill the same morals in my child that she instilled upon me.
I wish that life wasn't so cut and dry. Life/death. That's it. Once you are done….you're done….and off you go to be buried or burned…take your choice. Lay in the ground with a billion other dead rotting bodies…or burned to a crisp sitting on a mantle or spread all over who knows where..i personally don't want to do either. Fucking inject me with that weird shit they are using on those asian bodies…and keep me looking just like I did. Use me for a Halloween decoration or something…..fuck I don't know….. I just don't like the idea of rotting away with all those other dead fucks. Or havn my ashes dumped somewhere…..where they will all separate apart…and send bits and pieces of me all over. Ick.
Life….what the fuck are you here for? What the fuck am I here for? Why are humans fucking running around killing each other? Life is too fucking short for this shit. It sucks.
I'm done.
Until Next Time.
I Remain.
Such A Grouch.
me.
Untitled.
Posted 1/18/2007 10:55:11 PM
It's about bringing yourself,
back from the edge,
it's about balancing yourself,
so you don't fall from the ledge,
it's not about becoming someone else,
it's about hanging on to your image,
it's not about being brave,
it's about hiding your lack of courage,
it's not abotu dragging others down,
it's about standing alone,
it's not about fitting in with others,
it's about being on your own,
it's not about the wounds,
it's more about the scars,
it's not about the knives,
the razors, the glass shards,
it's not about being open,
it's aboutk eeping deadly secrets,
it's not really about the bruises,
the burns, the scratches and the cuts,
it's about feeling again,
knowing you're not a machine,
it's about purging the body,
and no longer feeling unclean,
about believeing things can be turned around,
it's about feeling hopeless and miserable,
feeling lost and never being found,
it's about being inside a fantasy,
that you created in your mind,
it's about hearing all the hidden things,
and seeing through the blind,
it's about controlling all your actions,
proving what you can do,
it's about letting yourself go sometimes,
when no one will worry about you,
it's not about dying,
it's about being able to feel,
it's about being fake,
and pretending that you're real.
magic.
Posted 1/18/2007 10:55:11 PM
It's about bringing yourself,
back from the edge,
it's about balancing yourself,
so you don't fall from the ledge,
it's not about becoming someone else,
it's about hanging on to your image,
it's not about being brave,
it's about hiding your lack of courage,
it's not abotu dragging others down,
it's about standing alone,
it's not about fitting in with others,
it's about being on your own,
it's not about the wounds,
it's more about the scars,
it's not about the knives,
the razors, the glass shards,
it's not about being open,
it's aboutk eeping deadly secrets,
it's not really about the bruises,
the burns, the scratches and the cuts,
it's about feeling again,
knowing you're not a machine,
it's about purging the body,
and no longer feeling unclean,
about believeing things can be turned around,
it's about feeling hopeless and miserable,
feeling lost and never being found,
it's about being inside a fantasy,
that you created in your mind,
it's about hearing all the hidden things,
and seeing through the blind,
it's about controlling all your actions,
proving what you can do,
it's about letting yourself go sometimes,
when no one will worry about you,
it's not about dying,
it's about being able to feel,
it's about being fake,
and pretending that you're real.
magic.
me in a nutshell.
Posted 12/12/2006 8:13:01 AM
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Stability |||||||||| 40%
Orderliness |||||||||||| 43%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63%
Interdependence |||||||||| 36%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63%
Mystical |||||||||| 36%
Artistic |||||| 30%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||||||||| 36%
Materialism |||||| 30%
Narcissism |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56%
Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Romantic |||| 16%
Avoidant |||||||||||||| 56%
Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43%
Wealth |||| 16%
Dependency || 10%
Change averse || 10%
Cautiousness || 10%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Peter pan complex || 10%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical fitness |||||||||||| 44%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63%
Vanity |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Hypersensitivity |||| 16%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70%
Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion results were very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
trait snapshot:
open, tough, irritable, worrying, does not like to be alone, craves attention, low self control, emotionally sensitive, interacting, sad, very social, aggressive, prefer organized to unpredictable, dependent, social chameleon, suspicious, values the heart over the mind, likes large parties, outgoing, likes to make fun, likes to fit in, mildly phobic, vain, makes friends easily, enjoys leadership, clingy, rash
Posted 12/12/2006 8:13:01 AM
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Stability |||||||||| 40%
Orderliness |||||||||||| 43%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63%
Interdependence |||||||||| 36%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63%
Mystical |||||||||| 36%
Artistic |||||| 30%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||||||||| 36%
Materialism |||||| 30%
Narcissism |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56%
Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Romantic |||| 16%
Avoidant |||||||||||||| 56%
Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43%
Wealth |||| 16%
Dependency || 10%
Change averse || 10%
Cautiousness || 10%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Peter pan complex || 10%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical fitness |||||||||||| 44%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63%
Vanity |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Hypersensitivity |||| 16%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70%
Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion results were very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
trait snapshot:
open, tough, irritable, worrying, does not like to be alone, craves attention, low self control, emotionally sensitive, interacting, sad, very social, aggressive, prefer organized to unpredictable, dependent, social chameleon, suspicious, values the heart over the mind, likes large parties, outgoing, likes to make fun, likes to fit in, mildly phobic, vain, makes friends easily, enjoys leadership, clingy, rash
reason spongebob should be banned.
Posted 11/28/2006 12:16:37 AM
grown adults take it toooooooooo far. sheeesh.
Posted 11/28/2006 12:16:37 AM
grown adults take it toooooooooo far. sheeesh.
Angel without all the metal.
Posted 11/28/2006 12:14:23 AM
me minus all the piercings....
until next time.
i remain.
such a grouch.
magic.
Posted 11/28/2006 12:14:23 AM
me minus all the piercings....
until next time.
i remain.
such a grouch.
magic.
Victim of a baseball crime.
Posted 11/26/2006 1:13:38 PM
When it rains it pours.
I have officially seen it and experienced it all! Honestly. To those of you who read my posts on a regular basis…. you know about the drama that has been going on with my mother…to those of yawl that don't…. read back and you'll understand.
SO…. the shit has hit the mother fucking fan. And that's putting it lightly. My mother officially crossed the line when she took a baseball bat to me. WOW. Never in my life could I do something like that to her or my child or anyone for that matter. I don't use weapons….and I especially wouldn't use them on my kid. I didn't hit her I merely put my hands on her shoulders and forced her to take a step back, after she had taken her index finger shoved it to my forehead pushed. I told her to back the fuck up and get out of my face. Turned around to leave….and WHAM. I got whacked.
Number one. That was a bitch shot. Why hit someone when they have turned their back to walk the hell away. I was going to just leave and call it a day and cut my ties and losses. She hit me with that bat and tried to shut the door quickly…and just to show her that I could easily break her into a million little pieces if I chose to….I grabbed the door knob with ONE hand and pushed…..with barely anything behind it and opened the door….where she is still trying to push it shut. Then I said "OK Mom, did you really just hit me with a baseball bat? Is that what this has come to??" "Real WHITE TRASH OF YOU."
Number 2. What the fuck is she thinking? Can she be anymore fucked up? I think she should take some more pills…that aren't prescribed for her...that Ativan is making her a little paranoid huh?? Well, take it from someone who has seen lots of this, working in a pharmacy and all….if you take meds that aren't prescribed for you, the side effects could include: Paranoia, easily irritated, irrational thoughts, hair loss, abnormal thinking, including disorientation, delusions (holding false beliefs that cannot be changed by facts), or loss of sense of reality; agitation; behavior changes, including aggressive behavior, bizarre behavior, decreased inhibition, or outbursts of anger; convulsions (seizures); hallucinations (seeing, hearing, or feeling things that are not there); hypotension (low blood pressure); muscle weakness; skin rash or itching; sore throat, fever, and chills; trouble in sleeping; ulcers or sores in mouth or throat (continuing); uncontrolled movements of body, including the eyes; unusual bleeding or bruising; unusual excitement, nervousness, or irritability; unusual tiredness or weakness (severe); yellow eyes or skin.
Sometimes I think she have bipolar disorder: Here are symptoms of both manic episodes and depressive episodes; they both describe her to the T.
Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:
Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
Extreme irritability
Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Little sleep needed
Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Increased sexual drive
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Denial that anything is wrong
Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:
Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Restlessness or irritability
Sleeping too much, or can't
Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
Never in my wildest "fantasies" would I ever put my hands on my mother in a harmful way…. even after she hit me with the bat. I don't want to hurt her. She's my mother for crying out loud…. which means something to me…even if me being her daughter doesn't mean anything to her.
My entire life has been spent trying to make her love me for me. I have spent the last 14 years trying to make her proud of me or at least happy to have born me. It's like I've always been the thorn in foot….that just wont come out. I was her birth control/ mistake baby. And Ok, so I was a mistake and unplanned….so was Chase….but damn, I love him more than anything in this world and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is my life, and without him….what would I be??
At six months old….my mother handed me over to my grandmother……the only "mom" I really ever had. So from Six months up until I was a little over 7….she took care of me and loved me unconditionally….she raised me……while my mother was off on her binges and getting fucked up…and serving time….and doing whatever she felt like doing…..well…..finally she gets out of her hole…and decides she wants me back, she's ready to be a "mother." That's a fucking laughable statement…she doesn't have a motherly bone in her body. Some of us are born to be mothers and some of us are apparently not really meant to reproduce. And she is obviously one of the ones that shouldn't reproduce.
I sometimes sit around and wonder what my life would have been like had I just been allowed to stay with my Nana. What if this woman would have just stayed the fuck away from me. Would I still be as emotionally fucked up as I am? I mean damn…..I can't even begin to explain my emotional and mental state right now…..I am beginning to think that I am beyond help on that one. Alls I ever wanted from her was to be loved. To have a real mother. Instead I got her. I got someone that made me a mirror image of themselves. I'm just like her. Fucked up in the head. I'm not fucked up enough to take a bat to my son or anyone, but I'm still a fucked up individual. A little miniature Sandi walking this earth.
All bullshit aside, eventually I'll be able to come to peace with what's happened to me and what is happening to me. I know that what's happened in my past and also what is to come…..is meant for me….I can handle it…and I will….and sooner than later…this shit wont matter anymore.
I can say, that I am the one that can make me happy. I don't need her "unconditional love" and "acceptance" to be me. For a long time I thought I did. But now I realize…. as long as I am happy with where I am at…that's all that matters.
So Since I am a victim of a baseball crime….and that doesn't just happen to everyone……I would like to say…if you have any crazy people in your life and they have access to baseball bats….remove them immediately…..for your sake…..not pleasurable.
Until Next Time.
I Remain.
SUCH A GROUCH.
Posted 11/26/2006 1:13:38 PM
When it rains it pours.
I have officially seen it and experienced it all! Honestly. To those of you who read my posts on a regular basis…. you know about the drama that has been going on with my mother…to those of yawl that don't…. read back and you'll understand.
SO…. the shit has hit the mother fucking fan. And that's putting it lightly. My mother officially crossed the line when she took a baseball bat to me. WOW. Never in my life could I do something like that to her or my child or anyone for that matter. I don't use weapons….and I especially wouldn't use them on my kid. I didn't hit her I merely put my hands on her shoulders and forced her to take a step back, after she had taken her index finger shoved it to my forehead pushed. I told her to back the fuck up and get out of my face. Turned around to leave….and WHAM. I got whacked.
Number one. That was a bitch shot. Why hit someone when they have turned their back to walk the hell away. I was going to just leave and call it a day and cut my ties and losses. She hit me with that bat and tried to shut the door quickly…and just to show her that I could easily break her into a million little pieces if I chose to….I grabbed the door knob with ONE hand and pushed…..with barely anything behind it and opened the door….where she is still trying to push it shut. Then I said "OK Mom, did you really just hit me with a baseball bat? Is that what this has come to??" "Real WHITE TRASH OF YOU."
Number 2. What the fuck is she thinking? Can she be anymore fucked up? I think she should take some more pills…that aren't prescribed for her...that Ativan is making her a little paranoid huh?? Well, take it from someone who has seen lots of this, working in a pharmacy and all….if you take meds that aren't prescribed for you, the side effects could include: Paranoia, easily irritated, irrational thoughts, hair loss, abnormal thinking, including disorientation, delusions (holding false beliefs that cannot be changed by facts), or loss of sense of reality; agitation; behavior changes, including aggressive behavior, bizarre behavior, decreased inhibition, or outbursts of anger; convulsions (seizures); hallucinations (seeing, hearing, or feeling things that are not there); hypotension (low blood pressure); muscle weakness; skin rash or itching; sore throat, fever, and chills; trouble in sleeping; ulcers or sores in mouth or throat (continuing); uncontrolled movements of body, including the eyes; unusual bleeding or bruising; unusual excitement, nervousness, or irritability; unusual tiredness or weakness (severe); yellow eyes or skin.
Sometimes I think she have bipolar disorder: Here are symptoms of both manic episodes and depressive episodes; they both describe her to the T.
Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:
Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
Extreme irritability
Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Little sleep needed
Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Increased sexual drive
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Denial that anything is wrong
Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:
Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Restlessness or irritability
Sleeping too much, or can't
Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
Never in my wildest "fantasies" would I ever put my hands on my mother in a harmful way…. even after she hit me with the bat. I don't want to hurt her. She's my mother for crying out loud…. which means something to me…even if me being her daughter doesn't mean anything to her.
My entire life has been spent trying to make her love me for me. I have spent the last 14 years trying to make her proud of me or at least happy to have born me. It's like I've always been the thorn in foot….that just wont come out. I was her birth control/ mistake baby. And Ok, so I was a mistake and unplanned….so was Chase….but damn, I love him more than anything in this world and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is my life, and without him….what would I be??
At six months old….my mother handed me over to my grandmother……the only "mom" I really ever had. So from Six months up until I was a little over 7….she took care of me and loved me unconditionally….she raised me……while my mother was off on her binges and getting fucked up…and serving time….and doing whatever she felt like doing…..well…..finally she gets out of her hole…and decides she wants me back, she's ready to be a "mother." That's a fucking laughable statement…she doesn't have a motherly bone in her body. Some of us are born to be mothers and some of us are apparently not really meant to reproduce. And she is obviously one of the ones that shouldn't reproduce.
I sometimes sit around and wonder what my life would have been like had I just been allowed to stay with my Nana. What if this woman would have just stayed the fuck away from me. Would I still be as emotionally fucked up as I am? I mean damn…..I can't even begin to explain my emotional and mental state right now…..I am beginning to think that I am beyond help on that one. Alls I ever wanted from her was to be loved. To have a real mother. Instead I got her. I got someone that made me a mirror image of themselves. I'm just like her. Fucked up in the head. I'm not fucked up enough to take a bat to my son or anyone, but I'm still a fucked up individual. A little miniature Sandi walking this earth.
All bullshit aside, eventually I'll be able to come to peace with what's happened to me and what is happening to me. I know that what's happened in my past and also what is to come…..is meant for me….I can handle it…and I will….and sooner than later…this shit wont matter anymore.
I can say, that I am the one that can make me happy. I don't need her "unconditional love" and "acceptance" to be me. For a long time I thought I did. But now I realize…. as long as I am happy with where I am at…that's all that matters.
So Since I am a victim of a baseball crime….and that doesn't just happen to everyone……I would like to say…if you have any crazy people in your life and they have access to baseball bats….remove them immediately…..for your sake…..not pleasurable.
Until Next Time.
I Remain.
SUCH A GROUCH.
FeedBack
Jkrapture
6/20/2007 12:45:18 AM
Well, I don't know you too well, so that might be why.
avarietyshop1
5/23/2007 6:58:26 AM
Good morning.
bleufemme1964
5/12/2007 11:46:36 PM
Happy Mother's Day! :) Love and hugs!!!
live4life
5/9/2007 6:09:27 PM
have you ever tried to be conscience in your dream? it sounds silly but practice looking at you hands, looking away and looking back at your hands. this practices control and then maybe you can turn that dream your way!!
avarietyshop1
5/8/2007 1:44:57 PM
hello playbunny, i am a new member on nb, i just want to say hi.
bleufemme1964
4/24/2007 5:54:50 PM
Oh, and I didn't really think it was directed at me.. It just distressed me and I wanted you to know why. I understand a rant tho. Had many!! :) Love and big huge hugs!!!!!!
bleufemme1964
4/24/2007 5:53:45 PM
I HATE when ppl do that. that happened to me in high school... she told my bf I screwed my brother (he raped me). Some friend, huh? Bitches suck. Don't let her get to you too much Honey. You are wonderful and better than that.
Jkrapture
4/13/2007 1:52:24 PM
Hey Playbunny, Vote for the Blogger of Fame Click here
bleufemme1964
4/8/2007 1:25:29 PM
Hey Sweetie. Tried to make it here before you left, but I missed you. I hope that you and Chase have a great Easter. Keep smilin Hon! Love you! (((((hugs)))))
bleufemme1964
4/7/2007 7:22:30 PM
Happy Easter! Lots of love and hugs!!!
bleufemme1964
3/19/2007 8:27:43 PM
Hey Beautiful! Just ckin on you!! (((((hugs)))))
bleufemme1964
3/14/2007 12:42:25 PM
Droppin of some love and hugs! I miss you! Love the beautiful pictures! Hes adorable! Love ya hon!(((((hugs))))) Come talk to me!
bleufemme1964
2/14/2007 5:02:18 PM
bleufemme1964
2/14/2007 4:50:30 PM
Happy Valentines Day!!
Love and hugs!!!!!!
bleufemme1964
2/7/2007 7:48:58 PM
Still waiting! :) Hope you are well! Love and hugs!
bleufemme1964
1/31/2007 8:48:46 AM
If only it was that easy huh? lol Im glad you are gonna write a blog! I was so happy to see you stopped by!!! Its good to hear from you! :) Take care and I'll be waitin to read!! :) ((((hugs))))
bleufemme1964
1/26/2007 10:31:08 AM
Hey! *poke* Where you at??? :p~~~~~
bleufemme1964
1/21/2007 10:36:13 PM
Started back to school and been busy! But I wanted to drop and ck on you! Stop by and say hi sometime :)
Love and ((((hugs))))
Rynae
bleufemme1964
1/11/2007 7:44:48 PM
Stoppin by to let you know I miss ya! Love and hugs!
bleufemme1964
1/7/2007 9:10:42 PM
Congrats on the new job! Thank you for stopping by! I hope that things are going well and you had time to have some fun this weekend!!
((((((((h ugs))))))))
6/20/2007 12:45:18 AM
Well, I don't know you too well, so that might be why.
avarietyshop1
5/23/2007 6:58:26 AM
Good morning.
bleufemme1964
5/12/2007 11:46:36 PM
Happy Mother's Day! :) Love and hugs!!!
live4life
5/9/2007 6:09:27 PM
have you ever tried to be conscience in your dream? it sounds silly but practice looking at you hands, looking away and looking back at your hands. this practices control and then maybe you can turn that dream your way!!
avarietyshop1
5/8/2007 1:44:57 PM
hello playbunny, i am a new member on nb, i just want to say hi.
bleufemme1964
4/24/2007 5:54:50 PM
Oh, and I didn't really think it was directed at me.. It just distressed me and I wanted you to know why. I understand a rant tho. Had many!! :) Love and big huge hugs!!!!!!
bleufemme1964
4/24/2007 5:53:45 PM
I HATE when ppl do that. that happened to me in high school... she told my bf I screwed my brother (he raped me). Some friend, huh? Bitches suck. Don't let her get to you too much Honey. You are wonderful and better than that.
Jkrapture
4/13/2007 1:52:24 PM
Hey Playbunny, Vote for the Blogger of Fame Click here
bleufemme1964
4/8/2007 1:25:29 PM
Hey Sweetie. Tried to make it here before you left, but I missed you. I hope that you and Chase have a great Easter. Keep smilin Hon! Love you! (((((hugs)))))
bleufemme1964
4/7/2007 7:22:30 PM
Happy Easter! Lots of love and hugs!!!
bleufemme1964
3/19/2007 8:27:43 PM
Hey Beautiful! Just ckin on you!! (((((hugs)))))
bleufemme1964
3/14/2007 12:42:25 PM
Droppin of some love and hugs! I miss you! Love the beautiful pictures! Hes adorable! Love ya hon!(((((hugs))))) Come talk to me!
bleufemme1964
2/14/2007 5:02:18 PM
bleufemme1964
2/14/2007 4:50:30 PM
Happy Valentines Day!!
Love and hugs!!!!!!
bleufemme1964
2/7/2007 7:48:58 PM
Still waiting! :) Hope you are well! Love and hugs!
bleufemme1964
1/31/2007 8:48:46 AM
If only it was that easy huh? lol Im glad you are gonna write a blog! I was so happy to see you stopped by!!! Its good to hear from you! :) Take care and I'll be waitin to read!! :) ((((hugs))))
bleufemme1964
1/26/2007 10:31:08 AM
Hey! *poke* Where you at??? :p~~~~~
bleufemme1964
1/21/2007 10:36:13 PM
Started back to school and been busy! But I wanted to drop and ck on you! Stop by and say hi sometime :)
Love and ((((hugs))))
Rynae
bleufemme1964
1/11/2007 7:44:48 PM
Stoppin by to let you know I miss ya! Love and hugs!
bleufemme1964
1/7/2007 9:10:42 PM
Congrats on the new job! Thank you for stopping by! I hope that things are going well and you had time to have some fun this weekend!!
((((((((h ugs))))))))
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