Can't Sleep, So I'll Update Posted 9/8/2006 9:56:30 PM I've been crying off and on, which I guess is good (means I FEEL things again!!) I was listening to Christopher Cross "Sailing" in the car yesterday and started to tell Meghan how it reminded me of my father and going to the beach, specifically going over the bridges in the back of the station wagon with the whole family, and I got all choked up trying to talk so I had to stop. I cried yesterday while watching a news report on Steve Irwin (BTW, Chris has pledged to stop listening to WBAB because apparently they were making jokes about his death - I have a morbid sense of humor, but some things are just not funny, or at least it's just WAAAAAAY too soon). I cried today while watching the web tribute to Kari's father. Suprisingly, since being off the anti depressant, I have not been sleeping as much as I used to. I used to REQUIRE at least 1 nap a day - sometimes I would be so tired my eyes would be crossing like twice, 3 times a day and I'd have to nap all day. I've been up now since 7:45AM which might not seem like much to normal people but that's ASTOUNDING for me. My sister Ellen told me that her therapist had told her that I shouldn't go talk to a psychiatrist or go into therapy while off my medication, that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I don't think I would either. So I think I'll just leave things the way they are for now. People probably don't think it's that big a deal that my father is dead, he was 68 and had a stroke almost 3 years ago, get over it already - but that is so not the case. I'm actually getting a lump in my throat just typing that. That is a HUGE sore point with me. And I have major anger issues from sucking things up and keeping my mouth shut and trying to avoid confrontation in the past - yes, I avoided confrontation - which is why I hit the boiling point almost immediately now. I have 2 siblings that I find to be extremely judgemental and it drives me insane since they mouth off about it. Then I have 2 pretty severe sexual assaults from when I was younger, 1 when I was an untouched little thing at 18. I say that I'm glad they happened, that they made me into the tough bitch I am now - and I am about 98% sure about that. I miss my innocence. I drove down the road where Nicole was killed today to pick up a cat condo, and I just have so many feelings about her. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I have a niece who has done some horrible things to my family and made horrible allegations so that she could use the system to her advantage and move in with her 20 year old boyfriend and his mother (this is the niece that Chris and I had guardianship of). After giving her everything for 7-8 months and having her totally shit on us like this, I just can't help but want to trade nieces with Chris. I know it is a horrible thing to say, but that's what I feel and I don't feel bad about it. People like Stephanie and my 2 siblings that seem to get pleasure out of hurting other people make me realize that the saying "Blood is thicker than water" is total bullshit. It's sad. I had tried to reinforce that saying too after my father died - because at that time I THOUGHT I had friends, and guess how many of them came to my fathers funeral/wake? NONE. ABSOLUTELY NONE. I had one woman I worked with at Babylon Honda come by after work and I'll never forget that - but high school friends, ex-fiance, that sort of thing... nope. I realized then I only had my family.... so you can imagine how I feel now. =) I thank God though for Chris's family though (not that my family is bad - I just happen to be bitching about 3 members of them right now) because right before Nicole died I was embraced right back in (I call it my "hiatus" - after my father died I went a little nuts and cut everyone off)... and then Nicole passed away.... and I swear I just fell in love with the Elberti's. Maybe I needed to put my time in because I was wife number 2 and his first marriage ended shittily (is that a word?) and I needed to prove I was in for the long haul. I don't know.... but we are all so much alike, I love it. =) The way they have come through/are going through this tragedy is amazing. OK, I feel like I just vomited all over the page... I'm tempted to go back and read what I wrote, but if I do I probably won't post it. I'm going to bed. =) (0) Comments

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General Comments magicalmysterytour Posted 10/14/2008 10:02:28 AM happy birthday Glory Posted 9/1/2006 8:16:41 PM Welcome to New Blog. I hope you like it here. How are you doing with the Effexor today? Please login to post a comment.