Heartache: Too Mucvh info, insides overblown

Well anyone who has been a friend of mine in the past 10yrs or so knows about Doug. They know my whole world was wrapped up around him and his words were gospel to me. That my love for him was deeper than any love I thought I would ever have again. That he even has been an issue between Phil and I, that I have struggled with staying with Phil to go back to Doug. That Doug has said he would change if I went back to him and dumped Phil. But that I did choose Phil over Doug. Last night I found out all those years Doug was also with Kath. That he was not sleeping on the couch. That they were only ever really broken up for very short spurts. I learned a ton more but it's really not worth writing it all out. I mean just what I have written right now is enough. How does a guy get away with that for 10yrs? Now he is going to put someone else through it? How can he live with himself? I think Phil is happy just another thing to throw in my face to prove he is better than Doug. I hate how he uses shit like that to throw in my face. As for other things, Summer is getting closer I can't wait for it to finally get here. I picked up haircolor so I can finally get my hair done. Picked up some new summer clothes for Sarah. I picked up some sweet red dress shoes for myself. When Mary gets here I am finally gonna go buy myself all new pants mine are all too big. Mary is awesome for fashion sence and I am not so I am saving that for a girls day out thing. We got 2 new fish we named them twinkle and lady:) Anyhow I shall go for now, hope everyone is doing well, tatta:) (0) Comments

Posted: 5/21/2007 12:40:41 AM

Life: Friendships, Changes, & Medical...

Well I have been on an emotional high finding old friends. Being a military brat we moved so finding old friends means alot to me. Finding and sorting out family has been fun for me and my daughter as well. Facebook is an awesome site, I swear everyone is on there:)Looks like some changes are coming to my life, new beginnings and old endings, probably for the better, but will need emotional supports I think to get through them. Saw docotor today I am staying on pain meds 4 times a day and she ordered a breath test something to do with ulcers, more blood tests, more stool tests, an upper GI test and getting hold of doctor Amson to have him look me over and do more tests. I am getting so sick of all these fricken tests! Why can't they figure out what is going on... Last week it was the Baldwins, this week David Hasellhoff drunk and eating a burger off the floor shot by his 16yr old daughter. Your not safe from the drama even if your a celebrity. What is going on with so many dad's and why are celebrity kids turning in this stufdf about their dads? That is harsh (1) Comments

Posted: 5/9/2007 12:36:33 AM

Life: Too Close To Home...

The article below the source is from The Province BC Canada Teens with toy gun face charges after school locked down By Matthew Ramsey, The Province Published: Thursday, May 03, 2007 Chilliwack - Two teens who brought a toy gun to Chilliwack Middle School on Thursday afternoon have some serious explaining to do. A teacher at the school called police at 2:30 to report seeing the two young people with what appeared to be a handgun. That call prompted a massive police response which included dogs and an RCMP helicopter. Police locked the school down and searched it until they found and arrested the duo without incident. The two were in custody Thursday afternoon and will be charged. It was not clear whether they are students at the school. The police treat these matters very seriously," said Const. Bert Paquet. "Bringing these items to school is not a smart move. Paquet said said staff and students were not at risk. mramsey@png.canwest.com This scared me. I felt scared and helpless as I couldn't do anything but pray my daughter was and would be ok. My middle daughter lives in Chilliwack and goes to the middle school. They already had a threat of guns on the 25th of April and she stayed home that day. Being in Victoria a ferry ride away all I can do is wait and listen for more news. I am relieved that they were toy guns and I hope those two kids suffer imeasurably, what the hell were they fricken thinking? Thankyou God for watching over my kids. Funny my youngest said her sister would be ok cause she has a connection with her sister and if something was wrong she would feel it. Is that not the sweetest thing? I love when my kids talk like that about one another, cause me and my siblings did not get along growing up. I still can't get along with my drama spoiled princess sister. My brother we have had our moments but we always get over our anger. He's one of the strongest people I know! (0) Comments

Posted: 5/4/2007 3:38:46 PM

Heartache: I Hate The Darkness...

Ok firstly yes I am bipolar, yes I am on meds, obviously I need to go back in and once again have them adjusted cause I am shutting down. I am just so tired of having to go back in and see a fuckin psychiatrist. It makes me feel stupid and unworthy. Ask Phil he'll tell you you only have to see one if your psychologically fucked up and stupid :'( As for the pain I have been having buscopan seems to be helping with that but makes me even more tired than I already am. The xrays as I said showed that my bowels on the right side are very backed up and I may have irritable bowel syndrome which my mom and possible middle daughter has :'( Today was my ultrasound once again they found something. I had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis and today they found on my ovaries my eggs apparently are not flushing out but attaching to my ovaries which somehow grow? Make like sores and a couple are about half the size of my ovaries. My guess is the dr may choose to now take out my ovaries and that is upsetting cause all I need is menopause added to my already emotioal being. I really thought my ovaries would be fine and dandy. I now apparently will also be having a CT scan just to make sure nothing else is going on. I feel like my brother is right I am gonna end up in the hospital hooked up to machines barely living. I am barely living now. I barely get out of bed right now. I am exhausted and emotional and hurting. I am tired of being yelled at and now Doug well he just put the last knife in my heart. I was coming home today and what did I see oh yeah broadcasted on a sign for the whole world to see, thanks Doug thanks for that true scorpio revenge you had to do because I chose Phil not you. what 2nd time now I chose Phil and so we can't even be friends? I wanted to talk to someone today usually I talk to Doug because he's always been there but now he is not talking to me out of spite. I want to be angry and spite him back but I can't, it hurts. I know I love Doug and Doug loves me but it just doesn't seem to be. we're both in relationships and I want him to be happy. I stuck with him through Kath, through Michelle, through a few women which he says he didn't consider cheating yeah we have been on and off almost 10yrs now? Always kept best of friends. Just seemed to always miss one another with relationships, one of us always seems to be with someone when the other is not. But we have always known and saidf we loved one another. But when it came down to being with him or Phil I stayed with Phil. I know that hurt, but it hurt me when he stayed with Kath over me so long ago. Not to mention my tat is a permanent mark of my devotion to him even when not together. So yeah his little vengeence trip right now that hurts, I miss my best friend. Phil came home from work today with flowers, carnations red, yellow and white. No card though. He was really moody though and went out right away. Not sure where and the mood he was in I could careless. He was more concerned that another of his transformer toys didn't get here today. I need to make friends. I used to go out alot now I never leave my room. My brother says I am turning into a shutin. No one in my entire life ever would have considered my life to turn this way. I didn't like being yelled at in front of my friends so eventually I just got together with people less and less, and now never and so when I feel like I feel right now I look at my phone and I have no one to call. All the numbers are Phil's friends and he has tons. I was thinking alot today about ontario. God how I miss it there. I have never ever liked it in BC. It doesn't feel like home, only reason I stayed here is for the kids all their family is here. Phil refuses to go to ontario. IF I had the money and means I think I would seriously consider moving home to ontario. That's home, that's where I miss. My middle daughter has been there she loved it. I don't know, I am supposed to go visit next summer and see Barb in New York which is one thing the only positive thing I hold on to right now. And my middle daughter seeing her this summer. I miss her so much. I just worry about her and Phil, they so do not get along :'( Anyhow I have thought what if I go to ontario next summer and don't want to come back? I really wish I could just say hey I have the money and means I am off to ontario. Clean slate, new life. Happiness, but life doesn't work that way does it? I hate life, it keeps ya down.... (0) Comments

Posted: 5/2/2007 9:16:48 PM

Heartache: Life Is Hell, Why Live It?

I had xrays done, blood work and urine samples oh how fun. Turns out my stools on the right side are hugely backed up but all clear on the left side. So she wasn't sure but thinks I could have irritable bowel syndrome, oh lucky me. But we still have to see with ultra sound and ct scan. They shot me up with toridal and gave me a high dose of ativan and sent me home with a prescription for buscopan and we shall see how that all works out for now. So that's the story for now... I hate having emotions. I am hurting and scared and angry more than I am my old bubbly happy social self. I hate this darkness and I want to stop feeling. I just want the world to go away, how do I make that happen? I am tired of the darkness and spontaneous tears. It takes all I have just to sit up in bed right now... Everyone seems to find a reason for getting up everyday, how do you do that? I seem to have lost my way. Phil told me today apparently most of his family dislikes me or hates me now partially because of that video I uploaded online. I wish I could apologize but I'm not sorry. I am so tired of feeling like no one understands what I go through and even with the video still it got turned around, this is why I hate life. I hate everything. I wish to cease to exist. Obviously I am unworthy in life and in love. *tears* I guess I deserve afterall to be yelled at and called down so here I am world kick me till I am dead... (0) Comments

Posted: 5/1/2007 6:19:18 PM

In My Opinion: My Thoughts on Virginia Tech/ Politics of Plenty Of Fish & Angus

No I have not gone to hospital yet, so yes still very sick. More if I get up. I feel not so bad if laying still. I don't want to go through a million tests:( AnyhowI want to say God bless the families and friends of those who lost angels who made their way to heaven this week when Cho shot up Virginia tech on monday. However I do have opinions that are not so popular with anyone. I have sat and watched a million memorials and they most made me cry. I think what the one teacher did should never be forgotten he was brave. The memorials I like best though are the one who included Cho, because yes I believe he too is a victim. A victim of so much and being victimized even more now. His family I can only imagine the pain they are going through listening to how everyone talks of their son. I am angry about how the media has tried to report on things they do not know but think they know and not just on what they know. Trying to make speculations. Also about making such a huge ordeal about the mental illness. Hello I am mentally ill does not mean I am gonna kill a school of people. In fact I am more a danger to myself then to others. I have a sharp tongue but that's all. I feel so bad for Cho also seen him named as Daniel. If you look at his video he looks tired, he looks sad, like he really didn't want to do this. I really do feel something or someone pushed him over that edge. Someone out there knows why this went this far and I hope your sorry ass hurts for what has happened. I have cried for Cho as much as I have cried for the victims. I do have to say though, hands down Virginia Tech has handeled this situation better than anything else I have ever seen. They are not acting like this is all they are. They have been strong and joined as one. Their community spirit is one that if the world could be like them would be a much better place. We could be a better world if we took a lesson from the people who were at the forfront of this situation. God bless you and your families. You are so strong and I adore your strength, I wish I had what you had, I wish we all did. God bless you! Now my other issue right now is Plenty of fish not sure how all the other cities run on that site but Victoria seems to have alot of politics running on it. It is sad and disgusting. I am only on it just for kicks. Doug is on it and I think he is only on there to see how many more women he can piss off and hurt. He gets hurt by alot of women himself. So he has this thing with going to the gym so women will see him get built and be a god. I think he's fricken crazy it's making him sick not a god. He has become Mr.Popularity on there. Anyhow he makes one person feel like she is everything meanwhile he is telling someone else he is with her. So he has this "drunk" guys name Angus as his excuse for being an ass. I think it is crap because now quite a few people have been hurt and lied to. I agree I am one of them that has been lied to. I lost my glass slipper, told one thing when really the story was something else. I guess I should have known better. I mean Phil does the same thing all the time:( So now Angus is on this kick to break hearts all over POF and that works for him how? You would think one would learn a scorpio will always sting a scorpio especially if they feel your not giving them what they want, revenge is sweet I suppose :'( I am just not getting why I had to be hurt in the process... As for the copycats since virginia tech, their out there. Look at the domestic shooting at Nasa yesterday and my middle daughter her school has had threats apparently of a shooting on the 25th. I mean that is so ridiculous and california had that one guy threatening to make VT look mild. He turned himself in. My heart goes out to the columbine families in their anniversaries. Oh I did write down Dr.Demian Yakel who worked on alot of the VT patients in hospital damn he was a good looking doctor huh? The convocation for virginia tech was beautiful and I watched the whole thing. Strong people and very well spoken and done. Also watched the candle memorial and cried when they sang we all need somebody to lean on. I do want to say yeah for the law passed in the USA this week for further ahead fetusus no longer able to be aborted-yeah yeah yeah. Absolutely yes I agree. I do want to say 2 Dr.Phil Shows got my attention-Anna Hogan needs to go to fricken hell leave Anna Nicole alone I think she is such a bitch putting out the book Train Wreck-life and death of Anna Nicole Smith she just wants money. grrr bitch I also wanted to say the family who came on the show Wrongful punishment April 18/2007 the first family on with teen boys totally felt for them and have had that kinda stuff in my house. I was really into that show, thanks for sharing your story... (1) Comments

Posted: 4/21/2007 6:21:56 PM

Life: Dying???

getting sicker everyday. Weaker and fainter everyday. Feels like something is draining inside me everyday in a way I can't describe it's kinda like a cold stinging wierd sensation in my abdomen that kinda penetrates into my back. I get hungry but I eat and I want to hurl it all back up within minutes. Still feeling hot all the time. Doctors kept asking about diahrea had non well hope their happy that finally began today, pills to stop it aren't working :'(. So weak, so shakey, so feverish and headachy. God make this end... Gravol doesn't help the nausea, T1's don't stop the pain or headaches. Just want it to end... would love to be your internet friend. Please check out my profile and photos at: http://www.friendsearch.com/my.profile/LadyIllusions/ Love, LadyIllusions (0) Comments

Posted: 4/19/2007 4:50:17 PM

Life: It IS That Bad

Well it is a kidney infection, which sucks but at least I can deal with at home. Kinda odd though because I feel like everyday I am getting weaker and weaker. In fact yesterday I fainted in the bathroom and woke up an hour and 20mins later to the phone ringing. Which sucked cause I had been called by the school to go pick up my kid. When I came to i GOT My brother to go get her. I hate fainting. I actually have a fear of fainting. Seriously I do, not sure why but it scares me the thought of fainting :( I went out saturday night with Sherri. We didn't stay out too late I was so not well enough to be out. Doug was out too, he was sitting at a table with a couple girls. His friend Laurie well after listening to her I had enough and that's when we left. Some people need a fricken life!!! Yesterday Phil was holy crappy mood it was like he had saved up a bagful of the nasties and unleashed on me. I was just too faint to fight back. Then this morning some chick text messaged me about Phil. Remember a couple months back some chick did that and he told me she was lying well here is some more, not all of it is here cause I think a couple were deleted by Phil, but here they are oh and Phil says they aren't true it's someone trying to raise bull between us. I don't know what to believe. "plus one day I babysat the kids. So they could go out his clothes didn't look neat like they did b4 they left hmmm i wonder what they were doing. ask erica. troublem makin piece of shit.the more than once like last weekThey were gone for a good long while, goodbye just telling you what a slimeball ur not with is like I have been there sometimes when he called he can't deny he wants 2b with a real woman who can have kids ask. She's ur friend 2 special needs ask him y 3 of Chris's kids r blond she's not goodbye Im done just had to inform ya that he is still ca" She also said something about him doing a strip tease for them. Phil was fit to be tied. OMG he yelled so harshly when I asked him about it. God I wish I was feeling better. I feel so nauseated and weak, I actually am shaking. I hate being sick! I just don't have the energy to deal with this right now. God I am so selfish there are tons of families mourning right now.33 people dead and many more injured from the shooting at Virginia Tech yesterday. Cho Seung-hui went a shooting rampage and in the end killed himself. They had a convocation this afternoon and will have a candlelight vigil tonight. My best wishes and blessings go out to the families and friends dealing with this tragedy at this time. I have to say I am very impressed with the community there and how wonderful everyone is at Virginia Tech. I don't think I have ever seen so much wrmth and love and togetherness as I have seen in this community. God Bless you all *hugs* I do question how this man was able to kill so many people before police got involved. Where were the police? How did he get so far? I don't get it!!! (0) Comments

Posted: 4/17/2007 4:09:58 PM

Life: Doctors Appointment

I saw the doctor the day before yesterday and then yesterday again. The doctor thought I might have appendicitis and a kidney infection on the right side. So I had a blood test it did not show positive for appendicitis. But called me back in for more tests. This doctor thought still I might have appendicitis also won ders if I might have gallstones in my liver or a liver infection or and kidney infection and also wondered about a bowel blockage. So I went back in for another blood test today and am waiting for tests to come back AGAIN. My temperature is all over the place but am super faint and tired and still not real hungry but am thirsty drinking alot of tomatoe juice and water. Phil is frustrated with me I guess cause seems like everything I do and don't do is pissing him off he has been yelling at me non stop. I feel like I can't do anything right by him :"( Doug has been pretty supportive, he has called to check in on me and asked me to call and let him know how things go with tests ect. I am actually surprised by that because normally he hasn't really been there for me when it comes to shit like that. When it comes to the real things in life Doug has never really been there. It's hard to explain the friendship he and I have I am often confused by it. Not really sure where I have fit in his world, never have been sure. Sometimes I think what Phil says about how Doug feels about me is true and that hurts ALOT! Sherri has been pretty supportive too. She checks in on me time to time. She is trying to get me out and get my life moving again. She might be moving to New Brunswick this summer which is sad for me but I understand it completely. She will be moving there to be next to her daughter. Mary told me I deserve it because then I know how it is to be seperated from my friends. I told her to grow up. I was seperated from my friends my whole life I was a base brat. Sherri and I spent most of our friendship apart writing letters and calling long distance. But I guess Mary can't see that. She is just angry being with her dad away from her friends here right now :'( I see Anna Nicoles mom is supposed to be having rights to the baby what the hell is that about? Whatever. I think Anna is rolling in her grave. But whatever... I want to quickly say I think things have gone to far with IMUS , NBC has now fired him? WTF? It's not like he goes off on racial issues all the time. The fact he said nappy headed ho's one time and laughed once and now it's gone this big is ridiculous. I feel so bad for the man. Girls come on he apologized don't let this be his career killer that is horrible. Worse has been done, way worse :( Anyhow, not sure what tests will say but am sick of being sick and in pain, but I guess I deserve it... (2) Comments

Posted: 4/13/2007 7:05:09 PM

Life: Nonstop Tears

So surprise surprise I am not feeling well today. Once again have the shakes and am hurting all over. I feel like everything is dying from the inside out. Last few days I can't seem to stop from breaking down into spontaneous tears. It has been my experience in the past that sometimes when I cry feeling the way I do now someone has had tradgedy. Like I cried like this for 2 days before Tara died and cried like this a day or two before Alden died. It hasn't always been the case but it always worries me that some horrible thing could be coming this way. I pray it is wrong, that I Am just an idiot who can't contain my stupid emotions. Last few days I haven't even hardly been able to get out of bed. I don't want to eat, my chin is more itchy by the day and my insides hurt like hell. It has gotten bad enough that I have called the doctor and I have an appointment for tomorrow. I am going to get them to do a full blood work up and see if there isn't something that could be running deeper than any of us realize. Ya know I have said alot of the crap that I hate Phil does like his persistant yelling and put downs. But I do have to say through all my sickness and depression he has put up with alot. He tries to keep thi He helps me out with Sarah when I just don't have the energy to deal with her. And in the last couple months when I have been really weak he has even cooked when I couldn't. Including bring me soup and crackers and gingerale to me in bed. Now if he did all that without putting me down for being sick and making me feel somehow less than everyone else and worthless. If he did it without yelling at me about everything he would be my hero, he truly would, because I cherish how much those moments mean to me. But it feels like there is an emotional pricetag that comes with it and that cost is high :'( Oh he went and got my bracelet exchanged that he bought me for easter. It a fragile gold bracelet with a tiny heart cut out of it. Too fragile to have my name engraved on it:( It's a beautiful little bracelet I love it. I will have to get a bigger stronger one one day though cause I want one with my name on it. They said this one is too thin it would break :'( I was thinking today about my kids. This weekend when something was said to DJ and he told me. I immedietly wanted to come to his defense but he asked me not to. They knew I would have completely lost it. It took all I had to respect his wishes because he was so upset he couldn't eat and he had been saying all night he was so hungry. When I was in school I was never really the popular kid. I was known and I had big friends but it was my siblings and friends or BF's who stood up for me. I usually stood behind them. IU have raised my kids to stand up to people and don't back down. I am very rpoud of them for their strong personalities and 2 out of the 3 generally won't back down. I am the parent who is very protective and I am loud and out there if you attack someone I love or my kids. DJ is a special case I am even more strongly opinionated with him because I don't feel as if I have given him enough of my protection in life and I owe him that back! Teachers generally know me well. Other parents get to know me especially if you try to attack my kids. Don't cross me!!! Phil and I have had some huge arguments over how strongly I come onto people when it involves my kids. My brother not so much argued with me but we've had some strong conversation cause he says I am making up for the teachers and people who did me wrong as a kid. I told him I will give him that but that won't change the way I feel. Teachers have a job to do and some take advantage of their authority!!! My fricken rings are all sliding off, I don't get how much more weight I can loose from my damn fingers. Grrrrr! Oh I am so glad finally the DNA is back from Dr. Michael Baird PH.D and 99.9999% Larry Birkhead IS the father of Anna Nicole's Baby girl Dannielynn. Howard Stern's speech brought me to tears. I think he was wonderful about it. Just you 2 PLEASE KEEP VERGIE AWAY FROM HER!!!! K I am off got a roast cooking:) (1) Comments

Posted: 4/10/2007 10:45:50 PM

Life: Home From Salt Spring Island

Well Sarah has another video uploaded you can see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzbPe_0tnbA Before I go on with my blogging check out this beautiful love letter it will bring a tiny tear to your eye lol "ur a fuckin cow...why the fuck would u post that shit of phil getting mad at u on u tube are u fuckin retarded...even after I already asked u to shut ur mouth...and stop airing ur dirty laundry about MY family ur a stupid bitch with a warped mind who noone likes FUCK YOU" Wow I sense some hostility there. Isn't it a good thing I am not out looking to win a miss popularity contest? I do not feel bad for putting up that video. I put up that video because I am fuckin sick of him always denying he yells and gets like that with me. I was trying to prove a point. I won't be making any more videos it was a one time deal to try and make a statement. Actually the member who wrote this sweet letter I have adored her since I met Phil's family and I am sorry she feels this way but I am not going to apologize for how I deal and have dealt with thins. I am tired of laying down and taking crap in life. I know she loves Phil and I understand why she feels the need to protect him but I have my own side too and I am not going to stop doing what I do to deal with my own pain! This weekend for example was hard to deal with. I got into it with Phil's mother and Phil felt the need after some time of arguing to step in and say something on my behalf. I listened but later upstairs I told him I can fight my battles and I love him for sticking up for me but I am not a child and I could handle the fight on my own. I probably shouldn't have gone this weekend I still feel super sick. I went to the wedding and tried to go to reception but after Phil's mom degraded my son and he was so upset he couldn't eat I was just too upset and too ill I needed to leave. So phil brouth me back to Aunty Jo's and I crashed right after I got home until about 10"30pm when a few people got home and I guess I crashed again cause I don't remember Phil getting back at all. The wedding was beautiful we went to Chocolate Island Springs I could camp there would be very romantic and nice. I did save a shell from there :P Dj had a cruddy time he told me he is never going again that upset me. All because he was made to feel like he was a bad kid :'( Sarah I think had fun. Oh yeah DJ told me on friday that he is going to get adopted by his foster parents. That was like a big sharp hot piercing knife through my heart. He also wants to take their last name. That is hurting me so bad right now that I know I am hyper sensitive to everyone else and what they say. Doug says he can't see it happening and Phil has been pretty supportive too. Still I am worried and still hurts more than words can say. It feels like anything I love or get close to in life always leaves me and so I feel like I have to keep everyone at arms length because if I let them in and they hurt me I just want to die :'( I have lost so much in this lifetime and I just can't take one more loss. I don't know how my brother goes on everyday having lost his daughter and his wife. Had that been me I would be dead. Oh yeah Phil got to see his older half brother Robert in Vancouver. That was a big moment for him. I think he looks alot like Phil, same eyes and nose I think. Now if we could find his biological dad:) Our filter for the fishtank died and so did three of the fish :( So we need to get on top of that! For easter Phil bought me a signet bracelet it is gold with a cross so pretty. I have ALWAYS WANTED ONE!!! But it's a childs one :'( :'( I want one I want one I want One :'(He says he is going to go get me an adult sized one. I hope he does that soon cause I am just so excited to have one. Ya know I thought I have been struggling with the flu but someone pointed out how stressed I seem to be lately which could explain my chin problem and irritate the ulcer the dr's are sure I have. I seem to get ulcers very easily. They took out a ton of them when I had the gastric bypass. Anyhow enough for now LATERZ.... (0) Comments

Posted: 4/9/2007 11:29:33 AM

Life: Happy Easter To All

I did put another video up it's of Phil http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ2SlGZdEoA I think it speaks for itself. Anyhow he found my ring recently it was in the washing machine. I have recently felt like I am dying. I have had this horrid flu. ^The first day I couldn't even sit up. My neck and back would not even move. I was screaming in pain and crying for my mom. I never felt such painful agony. Omg I really thought that I was going to die it hurt so bad. But I am slowly coming back from it. I slept a couple days through it. Not able to eat, trying to keep fluids down it was just agonizing. Doug has been suffering through it for quite some time. I am sure his bodybuilding has not helped him heal any faster! That chin issue I was having is growing out of control again. I am wondering can it be an allergy to something cause this is the worst breakout yet. If I am able to post the collage pic I will. It is in my pics on my msn space, It is very painful and itchy and nothing I use seems to help. It is itchy and painful. I wish it were not on myt face I hate that so much. I guess I will finally have to go get it checked when I get back from salt spring this weekend. I have a confession to make. I have the serious hots for Nick Simmons, Yes Gene Simmons son on KISS omg he is so articulate and funny and down to earth. He seems to have it so together I love his personality. Why can't all guys be like him? He is seriously funny. Gene and and Shannon make me cry they love one another so much. Their relationship is the kind of relationship I want to have. When they had their plastic surgeries I was like laughing and and just so envious of how much they love one another. They still act like newly weds ya know although he says unwed for like 23 yrs or something like that. Still I want what they got it is so cool. Their kids are awesome too like who wouldn't want to get to know their kids? I can't wait to see what their surgeries turned out to look like. I know Nick was very against it:) Oh I also watched recently an interview with a serial killer which was Jeffrey Dahmer. K I have always felt sad for him. I know what he did was so wrong. What I like is he was open about what he did, he spoke and answered everything he was asked. I think his mother denied too much and I understand it had to be hard to be the mother of of a killer. I like that his father supported him. I hate how he died, I think they knew that would happened and they did nothing to protect him and I think that was crap. I don't know why I have such an interest in killers but I do. I think it's that I know everyone is someones child and something in their life led them down a road most don't go down and why did they do that? Especially since so many of them were so smart and could have had such brilliant wonderful lives. What was the thing that took them off that hbright career in life? Apparently Anna Nicole Smith and her son Daniel are both being chopped up to being accidental deaths. I don't believe it. I think it is very sad that it is being let go so easily, but it figures their just gonna let it go with that. Makes me sick. She also got a bad shake in life. I hope her daughter will get better! http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816 if your on facebook add me I am on there as Angela Howland, seems to be one of the next big sites online now:) I'm still pretty emotional about the scary night I had a few weeks ago. I just feel like the people involved could have handled things so very much better than they did. I am so scared what if I am out and by myself again and no one is around and something like that happens again? I mean this has only happened to me once but still I feel a little traumatized from one night of being scared because of something that happened due part in partial to my being bipolar. Ya know I hate hearing all the time how I do not need my meds I want to take my meds. I can train myself not to take my meds. Why do people who take cancer meds or diabetic meds get to have their daily meds without harassment and bipolar people and shizo people get harassed and told it'sd all in our heads. We are just manipulating the systom. Then a certain someone else I know needs meds they have issues and needs counselling and they absolutely refuse to believe it even though the dr says yes they do. Neither the meds and counselling will work if they insist it's the world forcing them on them is why they are on them. Good God. It just frustrates me so much. When I don't have my meds I can't slow down my thinking, I can't sleep and I do things that are erratic. I apparently also talk really fast and really loud. Does anyone else have people get on them for talking too loud and too fast? I get so irritated by that? Excitability :( Man I need new clothes. Phil has been buying himself a whole new wardrobe, meanwhile my clothes are falling off:( and I can't find any of my more sexy shirts, they all seem to be missing which is odd. I have looked everywhere and it is pissing me off:( I am going to a social thing with Sherri next weekend. Sherri is getting me out more. Doug and I are talking more. Haven't seen him though for awhile he's been super sick:( Anyhow I should sign off for now, laterz.... (0) Comments

Posted: 4/6/2007 4:57:37 PM

Life: Alot of Thoughts Today

It is a beautiful sunny day today and the windows are wide open allow the fresh air into the place. Phil cleaned up the downstairs and he did a most wonderful job. I have been rather lazy the last couple of days with a migraine that just won't go away. He has gotten on my case about eating. My brother is gone to San Fransicisco. Hopefully he is gonna remember to get me a button:) He and Phil have really gotten on my case about my lack of eating. They think I am not eating enough food in the last couple of months. I say I don't look as if I am starving so leave me alone :( Question out there would you people out there like to add to my button/pin collection? I have been collecting them since I was in grade 3 and I would love it if you would add to my collection and they are not to expensive to send me. I would love you forever if you sent me some. You can email me for info on how to send them to me tenderone@shaw.ca They are pushback buttons and pins any will do. I actually want to get them hung up again I need to get some cork boards to get them hung up again. Actually any soccer stuff sent here would be awesome too especially beckham stuff, my daughter would go crazy. I wish we could authenticate the one picture we got iut is suppose to be his signature but I somehow think we might have got ripped off. I can't find anyone to authenticate it. Does anyone know if it is true he is coming to Vancouver BC canada? If he is when, where? How long? For what? I would love to get her close enough to see him:) Last night we were told that Anna Nicole Smith died of drug overdose. I cried. I am not sure why I feel so close to her story. I just feel so sad for her. She apparently had a concoction of 9 meds. in her system. topomax, valium and ativan were just a few. Also chloral hydrate.She had absesses on her buttocks from needles. Obviously someone was giving her shots. I also have had shots, no way I could do that myself. I am not convinced it was not foul play :'( They did say she would have went to sleep and felt no pain died peacefully. I am glad she had at least that. I do wonder about the bruises they found on her shoulders, which they explained away by falling on her back the week before. Something doesn't sound right to me there. I don't buy that excuse. I can't believe they would. I think people just don't care and so they are allowing this sloppy investigation slide. My heart aches for her it really does. Now the investigation on her son Daniel is on and I bet they let it pass quickly too. Oh they also say Anna had a bacterial infection influenza. It's all just so sad. A new Season of Gene Simmons Family Jewels has begun. I love this show. I so wish I had money. They are having an auction on ebay to win time with them http://www.ebay.com/AETV I want to meet Nick Simmons. I am not usually into young men like him, but he is funny, and charming and cool, very down to earth. I love how he teases his dad. I admit I have a huge crush on him. Just one kiss from him would make my life:) :( I wanna win the auction :( I hope Shannon Tweed is pregnant I think it would be cool for them to have another baby. I hoped we would find out this first new show but we didn't :( Grrrr AETV your killing me here.... I have to say I got alot of people who answered my last post Society and Mental Health thanks so much for writing me and answering me. I don't want to say what happened to me and for you my readers I know that is something your not used to from me. I am usually quite open about my life but this was especially hard for me. I am curious what people think about me sharing as much as I do here online. Because my brother thinks it is an aweful lot to share. Phil absolutely hates that I share so much. My friends they keep up with me by reading my journals. Phil thinks I twist things alot. However What I am doing is not twisting it. It is how I feel and how I see it and think it and view it. How he might feel and view it might be different that doesn't mean what I say is wrong. Does it? I have a question for my audience out there. Phil has never known his biological family as his 2nd dad adopted him and then he was raised by the dad he has now. He is now 36 and more than ever would like to piece that part of his life together. He would like to find his father Richard Osterlund 1931 July, Robert Osterlund his son , sisters Crystal and Wanda, other family: Winnie & Anthony Emmerick(Osterlund) & Genie White(Emmerick). If you think you might be related or know any of them please email me at tenderone@shaw.ca Sarah now has a video of her telling her favorite joke online:) 'Thats A Worm Son' http://view.break.com/258322 Sherri and I went to Moxies for dinner I had mushrooms and teraki chicken rice bowl, Sherri had a burgery. Then we went to the Sticky Wicket. She showed me Big Bad Johns. Wow that is a naughty place. How is that a place worthy of a halth code inspection. If I had a sweatshirt on I probably would have left my bra but I had a low cleavage shirt on so I didn't. I did get a picture of me there though:) We phoned Doug and asked if he wanted to come out but he was on his way to sidney. Roger came and met us for an hour or so. I had a 2 shark attacks and a rum and coke. There were alot of preppie people there. Not used to being around preps much. We went and checked out an irish pub, that place was pretty cool:) Sherri and I are planning on going to a POF function with Doug soon I am looking forward to that. Doug says it could get ugly but I think it will be just fine. I mean we're all grown ups not children right? Man I need a massage like so damn bad. My shoulders neck and back are just killing me. Phil is not really into massages and for some reason my feet and calves are back into being really stiff and hurting again. It's like my feet want to curl up it is just a pain I can't really describe but a long massage helps but most people are not into giving feet massages ya know? I also need to get more tiger balm. I swear by that stuff. http://www.nedic.ca wow what a distubing commercial. The girl is majorly putting herself down and it says something about a majority of 10yr old being on a diet. What is going on with out kids today? I don't know why my ex Michael doesn't get it but he is feeding Mary chocolate and peanut butter all the time and oatmeal to go bars at 300calories a bar and 3 bars in a go 3 times a day she is gaining weight big time right now. I know he can eat till the cows come home and not gain weight but she has weight in females on both sides of family and he had me gain alot and now her. She is only 14 and I hate her having issues with weight already I didn't think it would happen :( What do we do? One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip tothe country with the express purpose of showing him how poor peoplelive.They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would beconsidered a very poor family.On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was thetrip?""It was great, Dad.""Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked."Oh yeah," said the son."So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.The son answered:I saw that we have one dog and they had four.We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden And they have acreek that has no end.We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars atnight.Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields That gobeyond our sight.We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.We buy our food, but they grow theirs.We have walls around our property to protect us, They have friends toprotect them."The boy's father was speechless.Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happenif we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying aboutwhat we don't have. I am using a calendar which reminds me of my friends birthdays.Could you complete my calendar, I don't have all of your details. Just use this link:http://www.jippy.com/?N6mibBD36X3hnZKN%2fahdYQ%3d%3dAlrighty I guess that is it for now, until I write again..... (0) Comments

Posted: 3/27/2007 5:43:12 PM

Depression: Society & Mental Health

Well I had a scary moment happen to me this week and it was the result of my being bipolar. I won't go into what happened but I will say what I have taken from it is that people in this world professional and unproffessional need to learn alot more about mental illnesses and what to do in a manic situation. To be able to notice it and get them the help they need instead of traumatizing them more by contributing to the confusion more. I have to say mental illness because I am sure it goes beyond being bipolar and into many other things. They need to recognize the signs and realize YOUNG and OLD get confused and lost. I think this can be accomplished with public service announcements, education and courses for professionals who are likely to be contacted to deal in these situations. I would love to become a part of getting that message out and talking about it. Just wondering who to call and where to go to have that heard and who will have the drive to say yes heres where we get started... Especially now that mental illness is becoming more spoken about. People are being told it's ok to be on meds for bipolar and schezophrenia but if you have a bad day and have a bad experience chances are that experience may set them back and may make them not feel ok about being mentally ill. Does anyone get that? Am I making any sense? I have to say here on my bad day I was happy to hear Doug and Phil actually spoke nicely to one another holy shit to wonders never cease to amaze me. Also I have never been so happy to have someone pull me into their arms and tell me it was ok I was home, I was safe and it was all going to be ok. Phil and my brother were so supportive and both say everyone has a bad day. I still get teary eyed. I just feel so stupid and I was just so happy to see my brother. He really seems to always be there when I need him, he always has. And I am supposed to be the big sister :( But yeah Phil did hold me until I stop trembling and did what he could to make me feel safe. The next day I cried ALOT, as I usually do I reached out to Doug and as usual he had me laughing my tears away. He told me a story of his own where he felt stupid and it made me laugh, somehow he always finds a way to make me smile. I still smile when I think about one of the things he told me. I swear that man could make the most miserable person laugh. Anyone who doesn't have Doug in their life really are missing out on a gem of a man. And I am just so glad he and Phil didn't fight when Phil called him. That says alot to me. Tonight I am going out with Sherri, dinner and the club. I doubt I will drink though. Just starting to feel better and I am just happy to be going out with one of my best friends. She is my longest and best friend. It's Saturday night.... Oh and Phil's dad has had his second surgery and is doing well. Angels I tell ya are watching over that family. Can't wait till easter weekend going over to salt spring island for a wedding on Chocolate island. I am excited just to be going to an island with that name lol, and 2 out of my 3 kids will be with me so that rocks. Lots of family will be there. Alrighty then off for now... (1) Comments

Posted: 3/24/2007 7:52:46 PM

Life: I have a dream

So you wanna know what my dream is? I have lots but this one is one I cry about dream about, wish about. I am happiest laying down cause then I look so skinny. I want plastic surgery I need to get rid of this excess skin. in some places it truly hurts so badly. I need my arms done, my thighs, my butt, my back my stomach and neck and face all done and breasts lifted so as not to weigh on my back. I have 15lbs more till I would be at the heaviest I would have been in highschool. I told Phil that and he yelled and said no your not how can that be if I weigh what I weigh? I wanted to cry. I was thinking how fricken fat do I look if he said that? I went from feeling really proud of how far I had come to feeling like this fat horrible thing again. I should just starve myself. I mean if I look fat to him I must look really fat to others. I really need all this excess skin removed. My daughter said I'd probably loose the weight I need to loose if I could get the skin removed. I bet my back would feel better for it too. Oh God that would be great. The excess skin hurts so bad sometimes I HATE IT!!! If you feel like making a contribution to my dream come true please do :) :) :) In the last couple of days I made roast and steak for dinner. On the weekend Sarah had her championships sat they won 6-3 with sarah scoring half the goals, then the second game 3-0. But the kids swarmed her 5 onyop of her so she could never score in that one. Sunday was held off till this upcoming saturday. Which kinda sucks but I am sure we will kick butt again. We spent saturday night at Phil's parents place. So sunday I did some laundry and I scrubbed and cleaned off the shelf I have in my kitchen. My brother noticed right away, Phil still hasn't said anything. Then yesterday I spent over an hour working on the livingroom and did 4 loads of laundry. I cleaned off the computer desks, pulled them out, fed the fish. Didn';t say anything about that either. I guess he doesn't need to say it. I mean I'm not 3 right? He just came home ate the dinner I made and went to the bar. Somewhere I haven't gone to alone to since I have been with Phil. Because like Phil has said to me time and time again people are flirty and drunk and don't care if you have a ring. Even when your there with someone they'll hit on you. He has said that himself. But apparently that's different now. I should just trust*tears* Should I just trust him? I am so fricken messed up right now, I don't trust and part of that is the past lies. I really hate the drunk aspect even if he's not. Not to mention hello people slip stuff in drinks at bars. Man Here I go crying again. Let's move on to something else...:'(:'( Oh the blood tests show I am not in menopause whew hoo, but she figures I am gearing up for menopuase and so yes have the symptoms and they will gradually get worse over the next 2 years :( :'( Oh ya know growing up I always thought people were talking behind my back. I am sure my teen friends from school would remember that. It cause me to have many fights. I took that into adulthood cause I still think people do. Now I know that is somewhat of a bipolar issue, but it is also because I have have caught peoplke doing it but don't generally tell them, depending on the situation and who it is. Alot of times I will cry and then go see them later. My mom was famous for it and still is.Phil is famous for it. I hate when I find out people who say encouraging things to my face really say not so nice things when their behind my back. One day I was laying in my bed and 2 people I care about had a good 10 min conversation about me and none of it was good. I just layed there and cried. I in that moment wanted to die.I felt so stupid and unwanted and lied to. I really feel like there is no one who thinks anything good about me.It hurt ALOT! I don't get why on earth I need to be living here on earth, what gives? In my next life I wanna be a bear lol:) "If it's what you love it's worth fighting for"-RG"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."-Bill Cosby"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire."-Arnold H. Glasow MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause............ Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!! A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Always Lifts You Up Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!! (0) Comments

Posted: 3/13/2007 5:33:22 PM

Life: Today IS Another Day

Today I did all the new questions on my Tickle account. That was fun, haven't done that for awhile and did my mood Swings thing. The answer was no surprise moody and down, gee omg really? noooooooooooooo... I have a doctors appointment tomorrow see what the blood tests say. Need to get some meds for bladder infection too odd to joy :PI made steak today with potatoes. I am guessing my potassium is low again because I am on a potatoe kick again. I don't get why I get low on potassium at times. But I do know I don't want to go and have an IV and I refuse to eat bananas so hopeful this potatoe thing is working. Soccer championships is this weekend. keep the positive thoughts that we kick some butt this weekend:) I also did a quiz on Chatelaine this was the result: Quiz: What’s your secret strength? You've got strengths that you don't even know about. Take this quiz and let your inner invincible woman fly you to new heights of success and confidenceBy Stacey S superpowers are: passion Passion Like a chili pepper, your intense red-hot energy kicks it up a notch. You are rarely reserved—instead, you let your emotions steer your big bold reactions. You are enthusiastic and exciting to be around, trusting the fire of your desire to lead you. Dedicated to living everything to the utmost, you give yourself wholeheartedly to the people and projects you believe in. Pump up your power Sure, some may struggle with your drama-mama tendencies, but many others will find all that out-in-the-open emotion intriguing and inspiring. Fan this flame. Take on various leadership roles and become a motivational maven. Superpower sucker When your mood turns stormy, let's face it, you can be a lot to handle. To avoid overwhelming others, keep one eye on the context and the other on your volume. Ending all your comments with exclamation marks isn't the only way to be heard. This is no surprise to me either is it it to any of you readers of my blogs? They said I could make it better if I added some flexibility, oh gee ya think? I guess I can at times be a little 2 faced. I don't like looking like a bitch in public but behind closed dooors yeah I can yell and say bad things, hurtful things. However I do HATE HURTING ANYONE, anyone who knows me I would hurt myself before I would hurt anyone else. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I hurt deeply. It kills me to see anyone hurt. Always has and I know it always will. Being yelled at in public has always and will always bring tears and shame to me. That's all I will say about that for the moment! oh I am curious how people thing about women who get it on with guys who are just legal enough to sleep with. I myself have always always always been atractted to men my age or since about my 20's older men. The oldest being Doug who was 10yrs older than me. But I know people attracted to 19, 20 21 and say I don't know what I am missing, are they right? Cause my response was but my son is 16yrs old only 3 yrs younger. They said don't think of it like that. I mean I am not saying it's wrong either way I am just curious how many feel the same as the ones who have told me it's great? TO MY READERS AND THOSE WHO ANSWER MY BLOGS THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU DO TOUCH ME SO MUCH, YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH! IT'S NICE TO KNOW PEOPLE CARE I AM OUT HERE YA KNOW? (0) Comments

Posted: 3/6/2007 11:48:57 PM

Life: Trying To Be Alive...

So yesterday I made cajun chicken, stuffing, potatoes and corn. Cleaned up my basement floor again. Folded up the blankets and put a load of laundry in the wash. I also had some fun with Sarah last night on FLIXTER. Seriously you can have some fun on that site doing the trivia with your kids as there is alot of kids movie trivia, teen movie trivia extra. We spent about an hour playing. You gotta check out the site and join here is my invite url: http://www.flixster.com/servlet/invite/6773521jiaABCm Today I made pork chops, potatoes, and corn and I picked up some pecan gooey buns for dessert. My brother was a bad boy he ate one before dinner. I cleaned up a big part of my bedroom and cleaned the inside of one of my shelving units in the livingroom. Called the school and got some forms for sports for next year. Also did some emailing with someone who is interested in starting a cheer group here in Victoria which would be awesome. I contacted her first as she does cheer in ontario. Also contacted a family member in ontario about family reunion next summer trying to organize that as I talked to my friend Barb/Phoenix and I have decided to go to visit her in New York next year. OMG I am so excited. I would like to try and see her for at least a week this year as well. I apparently need to get my passport done and then get some funds together and see if I can get s cheap flight there. Damn I wish I had more access to money:( I wish I could go now. I so badly just want to go away :'( I am so glad she is as excited about me coming out though as me wanting to come out. OMG she is so much fun to be around. BARB I MISS YOU CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU *jumps up and down* anyone wanna help me get out there? Man I would love ya forever seriously. I hate being poor :'( Oh man did ya see CSI NY with Criss Angel playing a Bad Magician that was so cool he did an awesome job. What I wouldn't do to see that man perform. He really is a wonderful illusionist. I talked to DJ for quite awhile today he made my mom cry yesterday. He really has turned a cold shoulder when it comes to my family. Even his friends apparently have commented on his harshness. Sometimes I really do contemplate on so many of the decisions I have made in my life. I also think about the things I want to say to Bryan about his son. He knows what he did but it was yrs ago, he was 17 hormoes make you do stupid things and I don't hate him for the past. It hurts it scarred me but DJ is a beautiful man and despite how he came into this world he is a part of Bryan and he looks like Bryan I see it and sometimes it's like looking right into Bryans eyes. I just feel like peace will never come until he faces his son at least for me. It's fun I can still remember every single moment and to this day almost puke and burst into tears if I can't escape hearing the song "we didn't start the fire" That song haunts me. I bet he doesn't even remember it. Anyhow I think alot about Bryan this time of year only because it's the turning of age for DJ. I've been told Bryan recently got married and his parents sold the restaurant and retired. I see they still live in the same house though as they always did. A beautiful house by the water. I still remember that place clearly as well:) Hmm got a movie on TV Looks good "Love Thy Neighbour" 2005 Alexandra Paul, Gary Hudson (Mystery, Suspense). The Show Cold Case last night where Lilly investigated a young mom being murdered after having her baby girl in an unwed home had me just crying my eyes out. I don't believe the girl who murdered her ended up being charged though but it wasn't very clear but if she was it would have been PTSD she didn't really know what she was doing. That was why I was crying. Those kinds of shows really get to me. Specially when they are so well acted out. I love that show :) Below are other sites I am on but they are up to you to join *hugs* http://ladyillusions.blogspot.com http://clearblogs.com/ladyillusions/ http://www.buddy9.com/?49095 You can earn money just by having friends here cool place to check out http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816 One of the most popular sites on the net and even talked about big time on many TV shows and commercials. http://tagged.com/ladyillusions Tagged a site everyone seems to be on, I see alot of family has been joining, Phil and I are both on here http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/ladyillusions/ My weightloss surgery site ObesityHelp.com a site for people who have had or are considering weightloss surgery http://www.i89.us/viewuser.php?uname=LadyIllusions A place where I can post my favorite link, I update this periodically http://www.frappr.com/ladyillusions Frappr a very cool site, lots of cool groups and maps and pictures, a huge amount of us are on this site http://ladyillusions.multiply.com/ Multiply a very fastly growing site and quite a few of us are on it, tons of groups, pics ect http://ladyillusions.hi5.com Hi5 Another very popular site with videos, pics, blogs, groups ect http://360.yahoo.com/profile-9m_YOaA0baM_P7pVVe27Y_QSrgpu Yahoo 360 http://ladyillusions.toadfire.com Toadfire.com a canadian site blog, very actively answered http://yourladyillusions.spaces.live.com MSN Space http://www.friendster.com/91253 Friendster http://LadyIllusions.bebo.com/ Bebo A nice little site with quite a few things being added quite a bit and lastly http://ladyillusions.livejournal.com/ Livejournal my friends and I have been on this site for years:) K I am Off:) (0) Comments

Posted: 3/5/2007 11:48:15 PM

Life: Join My Website

I'm a CARE Corps Online virtual volunteer. Please visit my Web page at https://my.care.org/care/advocacy/tenderone-623501 and show your support on behalf of CARE. The fight against poverty can't be won alone, so I invite you to join me in taking action on some issues that are very important to me. Please feel free to pass this message along to any of your friends who might also be interested. Sincerely, Angela MacRae Visit my personal page at: https://my.care.org/care/advocacy/tenderone-623501 (1) Comments

Posted: 3/5/2007 1:54:01 AM

Life: Maybe Coming To?

Well I am writing this on Mar 3 and today was a long assed day. Considering I have not really slept. Phil and I spent alot of the night fighting. Then I had to stay up to go to the soccer game. Wow those girls played so well and so hard, that other team needed to be taught how to play for sportsmanship not to hurt people to win is all I have to say. It was nice being at the game but I kinda felt like an outsider around the other parents and they have by the way it sounded and looked money I could only hope to have, and my girls dad only has cause he gets it from mommy and daddy. who needs a sugar momma or dadda huh? I've never had one of those, but I do seem to know quite a few who found their money pockets. Some I think more money than love which is sad isn't it? Ok I really could give two cripes about what people say but I truly believe Anna Nicole loved her husband and not his money. Hi he found her, she was a playmate for goodness sake she could have her pick, she knew Heffner hello?????? Is everyone stupid? You know she is just better off from her small time past and people were envious and jealous. If you have to belittle her to feel better have at her. Rest in Peace dear sweet lady and may your mother trip off a cliff if she continues to try and desicrate you by digging you and your son up. Soon Anna soon all this will be over and the angels will be all that is remembered. So I lost my engagement ring, almost lost my other diamond ring too, what the heck? Can my fingers get any fricker smaller? my engagement ring was already a size 4. At 16 my finger was a 5, hello? Oh I am curious has anyone ever heard of anyone having the symptom of smelling blood on a consistent basis but there is none? Also someone who has always had perfect skin for the most part having bumps appear on the chin along with a dry rash and sometimes itching only on the chin. cutting open the bumps results in a small tiny like pebble and clear fluid being released. Only to grow back within a couple of days? Painful as well? If you have any known reason for what this may be? Is there anyone else out there who collects the "CLAIRES" trinket boxes they have been putting out for at least a few years? I been collecting them since they started with 90%angel and last year got every box but one, I am so choked. I had missed 2 but one of the store girls gave me hers. Which rocked. Just curious if anyone else has them like me might have the one I might be missing. Some months I buy a few because they relate to my girls. Actually my nephew I gave him my frog one so I replaced it:) I am not sure what is going on with Brittney Spears but I have to say I do feel for her. I really hope she now gets the help she needs. I think she just had too much too fast and she broke. Different people can take so much right? For those kids of hers I hope she gets well soon. MY thoughts are with her and her family. Anyhow I will go, this is almost a normal post huh? LOL I wanna say thanks to my brother for standing behind me when I broke and you know I will break again. Thanks to Sherri for sticking me out all these years. She is the one friend I have known since I was in elementary school. now she has seen some crap:) Lin for still being there to reach out to, and Doug for putting up with me when I get impatient with you, your friendship means alot! K I am off to watch America Justice :) (1) Comments

Posted: 3/4/2007 1:08:08 PM

People and Relationships: So What Happened

So what happened you ask? Well Saturday started out great. Went to my daughters soccer game, got to spend the day with her and my nephew. Even got to see my son. My daughter and I got our hair done together it was just good fun and all in all it was an ok day. But yeah most of you guessed right I was left alone all night for a drunk party with drinking games, and then got huh a new cell phone the next day is it just me or would you think that was a gift out of guilt? Yeah I said don't come home cause I asked you to come home because you want to. But apparently a bunch of drunk chicks is more important. Oh but that's just the beginning oh yes I got tag teamed oh yeah someone else decided to let me know I am just lower than dirt and not worthy of scheduled time and plans , even though for them they have never had problems having others arrange around their schedule. I guess I was feeling really vulnerable because for the next few days I pretty much had a big breakdown and apparently went somewhat catanoic. Just lost any words any thoughts. I just shut down. Today is the first day I have been up and normal again. A person can only take so much before they break. I still feel so hurt and betrayed. But whatever. I now know how worthy I really am right? Tomorrow is March and snow is falling. Life brings unexpected things and you just gotta take the rolls with the punches. This is the first time I seen my brother so worried about me though. I hate that I worried him because I let a couple of people hurt me so deeply, I am glad he somewhat snapped me out of it and I see the dr again next week.... (0) Comments

Posted: 3/1/2007 12:39:18 AM

Heartache: Every Damn Time

Everytime I feel like the world is a sunnier place, like life just can't go any place but up. Like you can't do anything to hurt me anymore and I will smile despite anything, you always widdle me down. You work on me like a piece of dried up wood and chip away at me until you see there is nothing I can do to fight the knife that carves into me. I close my eyes and feel disgust with rememberance of the things I have let you do to me. So much anger I cannot cry. Not that my tears matter they are yopur trophies anyway and you don't deserve them. Once again you have left me curled up alone and in agony. Left in the dark with my thoughts and you out enjoying the laughter of my pain. I HATE YOU!!! dON'T YOU DARE READ THIS AND CLAIM YOU DON'T KNOW THE GAME YOUR PLAYING AND HAVE PLAYED, THAT YOU DO NOT KNOW THE PERSON YOU ARE, You know. You think your so smooth like the world is wrapped around your story of truth. God you deserve an oscar, you really do. For no one plays the part as well as you. The blade doesn't have much further to go and you'll have it all and no one will question if it was something you did, what a joke, I so fucking hate you, I HATE YOU and everything I let you get away with, God I hate you! (0) Comments

Posted: 2/24/2007 11:46:55 PM

Life: Life Is On The Up

Isn't it funny how life has such up and downs? I mean life seems so wierd for as of late. I am so feeling on a natural high the last few days. I can't stop smiling. I am not totally out of my funk but definetly have a reason to smile :) I feel good inside. God I even had a nasty fight with Phil earlier and I still got this feel good feeling inside. I can't shake it. Sure I felt bad for the moment we fought but I am over that moment and feel good again. It's like the sun is coming back around where dark clouds hung over me. Scared though I will loose this good feeling. I forgot how this felt. Makes me want to cry thinking of loosing this feeling again. I admit I been bad about taking my meds too. I am not thinking as clearly, thoughts are rushing together and I am not being as rashional in my thought process. Pretty much everyone has noticed the days I didn't take my meds. I talk faster, I am rushed I am not my calmer more rational self. I am going to have to take them and I know that. I got tested the other day for hormone levels the doctor thinks that yes I may be entering early menopause. Which so very much sucks. I don't want to take hormones. Thus why I made her do blood tests. I go back in about a week and a half. It is not something we would be surprised about I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and my mother and grandmothers went into early menopause, so grrrrrr. I do not see though a rational of using horse urine for hormone replacement. My doctor says there is other options so we will discuss it all when I go back in. I got a rose today from Phil. Which is hilarious cause I had just told Doug about how I am always buying myself flowers because no one ever buys me flowers. Phil is not a romantic type and I have had to learn to accept that. But I was happy to get a beautiful red rose today when he got home from work. He also finally went to see his neice today. I have been on his case to see her on a daily basis. Just bothered me so much that he had not gone to see her. Even had me crying begging him to please go see her. I admit I have not seen her, have seen her beautiful pictures but is still hard for me to be around babies. Phil said he would understand it if I lost my own baby but Alden was not mine. Still I have for the most part moved on in life but those first moments holding babies is still a little hard for me. I imagine it always will be, I imagine more with girls than boys. I saw DJ on his bday got him McDonalds. Did not see him for very long but was nice to see him for those moments and to buy him that and to see him wearing what I bought him:) Anyhow pretty happy right now:) I am also curious those of you out there who are also bi-polar have you done the Myers Briggs Test? In an online support group I am on many of us, most of us have scored as INFP and some ENFP. Oddly enough most of the time I was ENFP but am now INFP. So am curious are there more of you out there? Speak up I am so curious. This is a post I wrote to the group feel free to answer it: I used to be extremely ENFP but now test INFP as well. It really does beg to wonder if it does have something to do with being BP I also have a question about meds. Is anyone close to being on the meds I am on? I take 60mg of celexa, 150mg of topimax, 15mg of zopiclone, & 500 mg oferoquel a day. It's broke up throught the day in bubble packs. Now I am having trouble with sleep I am tired sometimes for days then can't sleep for days. They are also testing me for early menopause and want to add me onto hormones and I am concerned about that. Anyone else out there that can tell me if they are in the same prediciment? Angela Victoria BC Canada Before I go once again here is my favorite quotes with some new added ones. I do have to say I been getting alot of quotes from the show "CRIMINAL MINDS" it is one of my favorite parts of the show. I love the show too it rocks but I love the quotes:) Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Confucius Chinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch. Always remember the last thing you say to people each day. Because what if it happened to be the last thing you ever get to say to them? If I could come back as anything... it would be as one of your tears. How could I want more than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips Revenge is a dish best served cold. Sicilian proverb The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 'Harriet Beecher Stowe' " The most beautiful gift you can give somebody is hope. " -Anatole France "when will you learn to look past what you see?" Mary Poppins The Best Revenge Is Living Well You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her-Anonymous Family is not an important thing, it's everything. Michael J. Fox Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.-William Faulkner “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pines If there must be trouble let it be in my day, that my child may have peace.-Thomas Paine He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes. Buddha Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. Mother Teresa don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support. Anna Nicole Smith Off for now peoples.... (0) Comments

Posted: 2/23/2007 1:30:54 PM

Life: Did The Idiot Have His Eyes Shut?

I am so damned pissed right now. I wonder how often this happens. I am 34yrs old and I get what my kids call granny packages. My meds are put out in weekly packages and the pharmascist puts them in daily bubble packs and breaks each pill into it's package. Well the idiot who put this weeks together put pills where they didn't belong and even beyond that forgot to add my meds that help me FUCKING SLEEP! Am I pissed yes just a little bit. Did the guy fricken close his eyes as he did it? I mean all the meds are marked right on the top package. Old people might just take it and think something isn't quite right. Me I am not so nice. Trust me I will not be a happy camper when I see the pharmascist tomorrow!!! IDIOT!!!! I saw Doug today and fricken crazy lady Penny interrupts our nice conversation. She better watch herself because I tried to call her she is damned lucky she never answered that phone because I had more than a few words to say to her and I am more than ready to kick her motherfuckin ass!!! Get it through your head bitch he wants nothing to do with you. He despises the looks and sounds of you Penelope so fuck off before I make you fuck off. Don't cross me bitch! Really when you start stalking a guy and leaving messages like "you'll be sorry" she actually said that in her high pitched horrific voice, I wanted nothing more than to show her who will be sorry. I am sick of women treating him like a fucking doormat. Like he thinks he has to join a gym work out kill himself so he can take pictures to send these bitches of his built body. Get over it. They don't deserve you seriously.I saw a pic of Cindy. She's pretty, pretty in his past. Another one I would like to tell where therefore. God he can be really cold the things he says about chicks when he doesn't like them anymore.What I don't get is why Kath is giving him the cold shoulder I mean how do you turn on someone who stuck by you over so many many many years. I don't think that will last. The pic he has of her is pretty too. God he has a soap opera of life going on around him it's hard to believe he is going on 45yrs old. Was nice to see him though and I have really enjoyed our conversations as of late. He gets me and he listens to me and he doesn't make me feel stupid and it was nice to hear him tell me I looked real pretty today. I shouldn't have said I didn't feel pretty but I don't feel very pretty anymore. Phil is frustrated his work hours are cut down. He is wanting to work more. He seems to be a little more clingy as of late. I am not sure what to think. One minute I feel like I am fungas to him, the next he tells me he loves me. I just never know how to be around him. It always feels more aqward than natural as of late. He just seems to dislike so much about me, and then in the same breathe says I love you. Love what, what about me you hate do you love? I had a talk with my brother tonight. He pointed out to me that I used men as a drug and the hyperness at one point as a drug and the attention with friends as a drug and it wore off and now I have lost what I had found as a drug. That's why I am letting life pass me by and if I keep going the way I am I will die from the inside out and it will be a long painful drawnout death and that is what he sees for me right now if I don't find something to grab onto. Everything before was all a drug and this right now is a sort of drug but I have held onto alot I can pull up at any minute or time a hurt or past thing and feel it like that moment and when I get mad at teachers it's not the kids teacher but my past teachers. I admit that is somewhat true. He also pointed out some of the ways I am with my daughter and I reneed to think how I say things to her and about her and around her. It's easy to say it hard to change it. I want to change it. Doug said I am much more subdued and not bubbly anymore, everyone says that. Hard when your told how horrible you are daily. Really is. However I grew up hearing it and managed to do it. I don't know, I know I do angry the best. I do sad real well. I hurt deep and I envy those who don't but I can't figure out how you all get past that hurt and sad feeling, that would fix everything... (0) Comments

Posted: 2/20/2007 11:46:57 PM

Life: Competition Among The Young

You find it so hard to watch your children in some situations. You try to make sports fun. But even in making it fun it still find hurt and you just want to fix it for them. It not only hurts them it hurts the parents who watch the kids hurt. It hurts more when they are told oh we will do this for you, and you are guaranteed to get this and be here and oh no you didn't or no there had to be a change and the saddeness that comes over them. You try to pick up their broken hearts. You try to tell them next time but when next time keeps coming and they fail again where do you go from there? Sports is competitive there just is no way around it. In soccer there is even levels, gold the best, silver and then bronze. I did not know about gold until we already had my daughter signed up. This summer we are going for gold because it's what she wants, but part of me fears that rejection. She was sure she was playing gold for last competitions but she got put on silver and she is so upset because she was told she was being recommended for gold. I don't know if it was just the way I played sports when I was younger or if things have really changed but I don't remember things being so hard and competitive when it's supposed to just be fun. My other daughter feels so let down because they worked their butts off for cheerleading competition and got all their tumble routines done right and still got 4th place when they did worse last time and were higher placed. Apparently different people judging. Some judges are harder than others. In cheerleading I think it's harsh. I don't remember our cheerleaders having it so strict. She can't cut her hair, has to have no real colouring to her hair. No piercings. No nail polish no nothing pretty much. Every little thing wrong with them causes deductions in their scores. Some coaches are really harsh some are a little less but still way more strict then I remember and the cost is over the roof. I went to Widdifield High I believe our school had something like 35 cheerleaders on our team. Out here in BC cheerleading is a recreational thing. It is not something schools are really involved with. Which I find so sad. I think it would have done alot for her to have that at school. Her sister is lucky because she is a major jock she is on the track and field and basketball and soccer team. The teachers ask her to do artwork for things. Jocks generally will always have a groupie of friends. My cheerleader is much less personality then her. She is really struggling at her fathers and I am seriously considering bringing her back home. I told her we will see how the summer goes. DJ is just a natural friend of everyone. Never been into sports. Always hoped he would be. His dad was a jock. Just not that type of boy. He is a gamer and a techie more a gamer. He likes movies and games. He is awesome with kids. So proud of him making leader this summer. So so proud. His dad worked at summer camps too so it's one thing he would have in common with Bryan. He though has always made friends wherever he has gone, never had a problem making friends. He loves to laugh and have fun and he can be deep when needed. He thinks ALOT! I think he will be a really wonderful adult. I can see how much he's grown just in the past year. He's not a little boy anymore. Hard to believe in 2 days he will be 16yrs on the 20th:) The year of learning to drive I told him:) So I really am curious how do other parents deal with their kids and competition? How do you hide your own heartache and help them with yours? Sometimes I want to scream and say wtf? I have had to seperate myself and let Phil go with Sarah to soccer. I do get rather worked up. So they have that as a bond. But even with that I still get worked up. Hearing either of my girls disappointment and feeling like the coaches aren't doing them right it hurts and I really do suffer with keeping my mouth shut. I have however took it out on Phil. It's not fair to do that but I can get mad about it to him and get mad when he sticks up for the reasons. I mean he gets upset too but he does try to see the reason behind it and I use that to pounce on him. I know I am doing it when I am doing it but I just feel so frustrated. With the schools when things happen I am the parent that the teachers get to know real well. I can be their nightmare. My kids have even said ok mom backoff, enough. I don't think enough people take the crap that happens at school seriously. I had alot happen to me at school and I have alot of anger and resentment and still can cry about certain events and I will NEVER allow that shit to happen to my kids. Some teachers think they are entailed to the world. Not with my kids, not with me around. Phil fights with me about that too. He thinks I am too hard on the teachers. But I don't care, no one will ever do what they did to me or my brother for that matter. Mr.Lisk he did something to me that took me years to talk about and wh3en I finally did I cried and cried and cried. I despise him and what he did was abuse. There need to be more teachers like Mrs.Yates, and Mrs.White two of my favorite teachers in school. Mr.Lisk, Mr.Mosier both military school teachers in Kingston Ontario were bad teachers but Mr.Lisk what he got away with I am still scarred with and I still cry about and I am now 34 that was grade 4 or 5. It was an abuse of power I hate him!!! K I gotta go now am crying... (0) Comments

Posted: 2/18/2007 9:29:54 PM

In My Opinion: Anna Nicole Smith

Please someone tell me they are as sick of Anna's mother as I am. I swear to God the woman is just so damn happy to have her little girl dead. Now she can do what she couldn't when she was alive. Who the hell does she think she is fucking fooling? Not only that but why the hell are the media giving her the pulpit to do it on? Anytime they do get a strong point in Anna's favour with her mother, her mother strikes back with she was on drugs and we were talking blah blah blah. What a crock of shit!!! Her mother needs to crawl back into the hole she came out of. Who does she think she is fooling? We all see what your after woman, seriously!!! I started shaking today when I heard her mother is trying to get claim to Anna's body and have her buried in Texas. What the hell is wrong with her. Let her be buried in the bahamas, let her be buried next to Daniel. I think she only wants to bury Anna in Texas sheerly out of SPITE! That is a sick sick woman! I am very glad that Howard is keeping Danny Lynn from her and I hope he keeps her from her FOREVER! I am not a huge fan of his and I think there may be some truth to what some people have said about him, but if he is the only one who will keep that precious little girl away from that wicked witch Virgie then I hope for him to be proven to be the real father. I cannot believe all these men coming out to say they could be the dad. Wouldn't it be something if none of them turned out to be her dad. Wouldn't it just blow everyone's minds if it turned out to be Daniel's child and that is what led to this tragic string of events. That would be so very very sad in so many ways :'( We can only use our imaginations based on what we have seen in magazines, TV, and news though right. I mean we only get the parts of the story that they open up to us. Still I think Anna would hate what her mother is trying to do right now and I believe her mother knows that and it only makes her want to do more, that's my take. I did write Rita Crosby today at MSNBC and this is what I wrote: "I am deeply deeply deeply saddened by the loss the world has had in losing Anna Nicole Smith. I think she was a natural beauty and had alot of real strengths.The crap being spewed from people's mouths both by so called family friends and of course some media is deeply offense to me. However that is not why I am writing this. I am writing this because I am curious as to why no one has questioned if the father could have been her own son? I mean we hear over and over that they had an overly close relationship, maybe a little too close. I hate even thinking it could have happened but these things have been known to happen. Perhaps Daniel could not handle that secret, maybe it was too much and he took his life. I've also had the thought that perhaps Howard found out and held it over their heads. Perhaps it was too much for Daniel and Anna, ormaybe what some are saying is true Howard did play a hand in their last moments in life. I really don't think it is that far off to speculate that this could have happened. I am just wondering why no one else has thought about this and brought it out into the open. I do think if it did turn out to be true Daniel was the father Howard knew/knows and it got him where he is today. I am not saying that cause I don't like him either. I mean I would love him to turn out to be that father becauseI think it is absolute crap that Anna's mother get anywhere near Danny. The lady is still bad mouthing her daughter. Anytime she is asked about having rights or asked a tough question she throws out the fact Anna was on drugs. She expects us to believe Anna was calling her ect. Hogwash what a load. I have actually cried over watching people do that to Anna. May she rest in peace God Bless her soul. One more thing that also I find interesting is that Anna gave her baby her son's namesake. Once again I ask why is no one asking the question could he be the dad? Anyhow thanks for reading this and God bless Anna and Daniel and may Danny know who her daddy is real soon:) Your awesome RITA" (2) Comments

Posted: 2/14/2007 8:33:19 PM

Life: LOST:myself known as Angela aka:LadyIllusions

If found please return as personality is dearly missed. You will know her by her bubbly, very outgoing personality. Always the one talking and the one who predicts children who are to be. Is a scorpio and loves the colours red, black and burgandy. Was found to be strongly ENFP on the myers Briggs tests and also Concrete Random and Abstract Random. Loves to be amongst her friends and shopping. Is always on the phone, or gabbing on IM's. A total flirt without trying. Loves to dress alluringly and casually. Does have bouts of depression but can usually snap out of it amongst her many friends. Last seen 3-4 years ago in the Victoria BC area. Sadly missed and not sure how to get her back. Perhaps needs a friendship intervention. If found please return, thanks :) Her friends are missed too, household is an eary quiet unless there is fighting and yelling, so seeing this again would be wonderful! So Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Doesn't look like there was an overdose which I would refuse to believe she did anyhow. I am horrified that so many close to her have said they are shocked but not surprised. Also saying she was a little hoare and all kinds of nasty things about her. How dare they speak ill of the dead? I believe she loved the men in her life. I know she loved her kids. I believe in my heart that Daniel and her death is linked together. If all 3 of these guys claiming to be Danny Lynn's dad prove not to be, I have this thought that keeps going through my mind. I don't want to think it and I love her dearly but is it possible she crossed the line with her son and Danny might be his? I mean they were so close and maybe just maybe an accident happened. Maybe it was too much for him to handle he couldn't take it. God makes me want to cry to say that. I have not heard any media say that so it's probably just me watching too many soaps. I know she loved Daniel so much. I am glad she is in heaven with her baby boy. I just feel so bad for her daughter Danny Lynn. I am glad Howard is saying he won't let Anna's mom get near her as long as he is living and breathing. Some media think he should. Hello are you fricken nuts? She was horrible to Anna and they were estranged. WHY IN HELL'S NAME SHOULD THAT WOMAN GET ANYTHING FROM HER? Hearing the thought of her getting to Danny makes me cry till my eyes are red. It's not right. She has always and now still is trying to get notariety off her daughters name, screw you woman. Let her be let her rest, PLEASE! There is in memory of Anna http://www.annanicole.com and you can leave remarks to the family in the guestbook online at http://www.legacy.com look up Anna Nicole Smith. We lost an angel in Anna. I have cried so much since I found out she died. I wish people would stop saying mean things about her. She's dead now why can't they just leave her alone? Phil still has still not gone to see his neice. I have gotten into it with him a few times now about him going to see Aryanna. I never got to see my neice before she died I don't get why he wouldn't rush to see her. I know he's angry I can't have his kid. So so so angry. He hates me for it. What can I do though? I hate that I can't give him that and when he cuts into me about it I just feel so incomplete and unworthy of him. I see my doctor on the 19th. I am asking her to do a blood test to check my hormone levels. It appears I may be going into early menopause. That is what is causing so many of these symptoms right now. The ones I hate most is the constantly being hot, the muscle pain, and the insomnia. This last 3 days I am lucky to have gotten 3-4 hours of sleep a day. My eyes are so dry and sore. It sucks. I take sedatives good sedatives and even they are not helping!Which reminds me if you were incapacitated either by meds or drinking ect do you think it's alright for your significant other to be with you sexually? Would that answer vary if the person who is incapacitated wanted it but didn't remember wanting it the next day? I have a sedative that I don't remember the next day what happened after I took it. Zopiclone. I watched a show where some guy was using it as a date rape drug. It is a sedative but in some people it causes temporary memory loss. I am just curious on the morality of peoples thoughts. It would be great if you would take a moment and answer that for me :) I have great news. I saw DJ he was here for a few hours. He even let me take pictures. He took his sister to the movies and dinner. We supplied the money. I mean you can still feel the strain but you have no idea how happy I am to have been close to my baby boy. I don't know what it is. This bond I have with DJ is different than the bond I have with the girls. Maybe it's cause he was my first, almost died and he's my only son. I just love him so much and I worry about him. He's a good boy and a smart boy and very good looking. My girls I have a bond too. Actually everyone thinks I favour Sarah. I am very protective of her, but my family and Michael's family don't give her the attention they give to Mary, so I feel like I have to make up for what she lacks from them. Mary is the one I have the hardest time with. She likes to smother people to death. I hate being smothered by anyone. I feel like I can't breathe. Even the guys I have been with I hate being smothered. I need my space. I think I push Phil away alot actually he seems to pick the worst times to want to pull me close and I feel like my skin is crawling. Which of course starts war. There's been so many times where I was needing to be close but I will ask him to come here and usually he will yell why and that busts the mood and I go to bed. I talked to Doug the other night. I actually hung up the phone in tears. I am so fricken sick of women treating men like they are next weeks garbage. He is back in the gym busting his fricken butt to be a "GOD" because all women see is him being short, fat and bald. He is 44yrs old. Trust me he is nicely built and he is not ugly another thing he gets called. Cindy pulled a real shit ass game on him and she is lucky I don't hunt her down and kick her ass. The same shit happens to Phil. Phil right now is on a huge weightloss kick, buying a whole new wardrobe, got his hair cut, and is always out. He has to do all that to get girls to look at him. See me I could give 2 shits. I fall for someone who can make me laugh, intrigue me. Carry on a conversation-seriously! I really miss the days when I always had somewhere to go, friends to call on, didn't feel stupid and belittled. *tears* I can't help everyday wondering who really needs me here anymore? I am so damn tired of crying by myself. Feeling so all alone. I hide out in my room and just think, think, think, think, think. I wish there was something that could make me stop thinking. I wish I could be my happy, bubbly self again. If I try to talk to Phil sometimes he listens but usually it gets to the point where he says in a little louder voice "OK OK OK" which is code for shut up. I am too excitable and I go on about my interests too much and so I have tried to train myself to hold back. I hate it when I forget and I start to get excited, because inevitably I will hear "OK OK OK". Then I feel stupid and ashamed and like once again I was out of control, and if I haven't already I will look to see if I had taken my shut up pills. That's what I call them. Cause I have to take my meds 4 times a day. I usually get excitable if I forgot to take them. So I apologize and say sorry I will go take my shut up pills now. *tears* :'( Anyhow off for now (0) Comments

Posted: 2/12/2007 6:51:28 PM

Life: Forgotten What Happiness Is

Before I begin I have to say Phil about freaks on me for every entry I put in here. He says my entries are warped and one sided. Well hmmm considering it is how I feel and think it should be one sided. I can't begin to think for others now very well can I? Pretty sure everyone writes from their point of view. I write from exactly how I see it and feel it and if he doesn't like it maybe he should rethink how he is with me. We talked the other night. I told him I do believe he knows love, oh he does. He loves his transformers. He commits each one to memory he never complains about their cost and upkeep. He dedicates time to them each and every day. They are in his heart, his mind his life. That is love. He truly loves his transformers more than I have seen him commit love to anyone or anything else. In fact yesterday he bought another transformer without a second thought. I even failed myself and bought him two tiny classics the other day. I know I know I swore I wouldn't. But it's the only time I see his eyes light up and he is so happy and there was only one of each of them. I should have stayed away from them. I was doing so good. I put them down 4 times before finally giving in. I had 3 but bought 2. He is really into collecting the classics. The movie comes out this summer man the colling is going to go crazy then. I got him the movie optimus for christmas. I think it says 6 things and I believe it is a classic but I am not quite sure. I got a shirt that has grumpy bear on it says get off my cloud:) I love grumpy bear I want one but we can't seem to locate one in any of the stores, like do they have something against grumpy bear or what? I want to find the lamb friend too for my daughter cause I collect lambs for her, ya know for the name Mary had a little lamb. I got her one lamb that is a little girl dressed up as a lamb that sings the song. LOL it's kinda creepy:) It's not easy to find lambs they are easier to find around easter,m the rest of the year they kind of disappear. I wish I could find her a kitchen and bedroom set for her hopechest:( Sarah collects soccer stuff she has some pretty rare soccer stuff, as if I see something different I buy it if I have it because soccer stuff tends to disappear quite quickly. DJ used to like Bob Marley stuff but not sure if he still does. I collect pushback buttons and pins and have been collecting them since I was in grade 3 I have lots from all over canada, parts of the USA and England London. I wish I could get alot more. I mean it's cheap for people to gert them for me, most places have them free somewhere. Or a couple of bucks. I also collect victorian stuff, vampire stuff, skulls, I have one of each of the characters I like except I have a few left like grumpy bear, the grinch and a few others. I like to do felt posters. I love cameos but am more interested in the blkack and white ones which I am having a lot harder time finding I like the smaller ones. I really really really really want a black and white ring a small one and even on ebay have not found one:(I had earing but when Phil moved out he "lost" them I was so upset I am still hurt deeply over that those earing meant the world to me they were white gold black and white small cameo earing and he "lost" them :'( I never got over that and never will :'( still makes me cry. We waited so long for them to come in Man I miss those earings :'( Friday I went out alone. Yep alone. Oh man I was so wet and soaked, I felt like the world was all closed in but I did it. I did it to go get DJ's special bday gift. I had to go pick it up from being done. I so hope he will love his gift. I miss him so much. I cannot stop thinking about DJ. It's hard to believe my baby will be 16 so soon. I wonder if his dad is realizing his son is 16 yrs old soon. Bryan really should reach out if not now at least in a few years when he reaches age. DJ needs to know his dad. He deserves that. DJ has not had the easiest of lives and I think about that all the time. Through so much he is a wonderful young man he really is. Gorgeous too :) I am worried about one of my daughters she is dealing with some bullies at school. What is it with females and bullying in school now a days? I can't help but worry on a daily basis hoping each day everything will be ok. That today won't be a bad day that it won't get really out of control. It's just not right! Yesterday Phil was going to go out but not know what time he was going to get home. He wouldn't take Sarah. I decided I would get up and we would all get up. Phil took us to Boston Pizza that just reopened from renovations. We were not impressed with service or anything else to say the least! Then we went to Tillicum mall and we got 10 for 10 dollars and 2 of the new collector containers. This year is cupcakes with birthstones in them. I have been collecting the containers from CLAIRES since 2000 and something the first one I collected was 90% angel and been collecting them ever since. Last year we got every single container but one. One lady gave me the teddy bear container and that has left me missing 1 container. That so chokes me. So I guess we will see if we can collect them all this year. They made it this year you have to buy 10 dollars in stuff or pay 6.99 a piece if you buy $10 in stuff they are .99cents. A new one comes out every month. My kids love CLAIRES so we do frequent that store ALOT! Then Phil took us to Silvercity and we watched "The Messengers" AWESOME MOVIE, VERY WELL DONE 4 STARS, 3 THUMBS. I am very picky with movies I love this movie. I want to see the new movie Jim Carrey is coming out in "23" That looks really awesome. Phil told me I was wrong it wasn't him and doesn't look like him and still insist it doesn't but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA it is Jim Carrey! Looks like a really awesome movie:) I want to see "Ghost Rider" too it looks good. Of Course ZODIAC is coming out as well. I am a lover of Robert Downey JR whew hoo been waiting for this one. Not to mention I have watched so many things about the Zodiac Killer. I am fascinated by Murderers I like to know what makes them tick. I wanna know what it is that they think and why do they think it. I wonder more deeply though. I wonder about their families more about their mothers. I really truly believe the way a child relates to a parent has alot to do with how they relate to others when they grow up. Has media shown people how they always trample down the parents door of the villian. I mean always and not just a parent of someone who adopts or fosters they always have to track down the blood parents. Like somehow the blood is the key. Being a parent who has struggled with parenting I wonder alot will that happen to me? Will I have to try and defend myself? Will I have to try and concieve of a reason why maybe something happened with one of mine? I often find myself feeling bad for the families of these villians but also find myself crying for the villians. I refuse to believe anyone is all bad. I just refuse to believe it. My dad knows that about me. He used to tell me that would get me in trouble one day. He told me not everyone is good and I can't save everyone. I refuse to believe that. There has to be a logical reason for everything, I truly believe that. Just like with Phil there is a reason why he clings to this child like quality. The reason he plays with these"toys" is because he is stuck in a place he refuses to come out of but believes he is out of. I can't say what it is but trust me if you knew more about him, his life you would understand some of his child like behaviour. Like most men he won't look at things like many of us women do. That's all I have to say about that! I heard from Doug the other night on MSN. I was SHOCKED! I told him I was shocked as I understood it things with him and Cindy were fantastic and as far as I was concerned he wanted nothing to do with me. So I had no intention on writing him or calling him. He said that would never be true. Cindy apparently is like many sag's she is onto the next new thing. Yes Doug and I are very much into astrology we are both scorpios. That is one of the reasons I much enjoy just talking to him for like ever because we talk about astrology, just talk and talk and talk about astrology. I mean we seem to have always been able to talk about anything and everything because we seem to agree about a variety of subjects. I have always found him so fascinating that I could never imagine any lady not being intrigued and lured in by him. I can understand why Penny is so relentless. He can't seem to shake her off at all! So I am not sure what is up with Doug, my msn is not working properly so after he went to forage for food I didn't talk to him again. It's funny I went out yesterday only because I pretty much figured I was expected to say no again and I did at first. But when Sarah was refused. I decided to go. Phil said it was a pretty good day. No fighting felt pretty good. I told him I only went because he expected me not to. I also said had I seen DJ then it would have been a good day. Till then my days pretty much just run in together. Phil said I can't think like that. I have other people to think about. Maybe I do but that is how I feel most days. I went out. I did try to have a sort of happy aura but in my heart I wasn't happy. My heart has no light on. Someone is there but the lights are off:( Pain is becoming too much for me. I have so much pain chronically now in my feet, my lower legs, my shoulders, my lower back and my hands and from inner elbow to inner wrist. I get tiny Bursts that feel like a small rupturing burst that rupture and radiate heat every so often in my upper legs mostly right side and lower abdomen, doesn't hurt just feels super strange, last for about an hour to a few hours. I never know from one day to the next if I am going to be heaving. I some days am so starving which is rare and then go days can barely eat or drink. I am always wanting something for pain. Codiene 1's are my friend. Gravol now as well because T1's are now making me feel ill. I am way more tired than I ever used to be. Some days it takes all I have to get up. When I do go out I am so exhausted by the time I get home. Phil asked me if I didn't feel good being out all day I was like NO I am so tired. I mean it is nice to have the air on my face and be out with my kid be among people for a bit but I get so exhausted. He doesn't get it. My brother doesn't get it. The differenece my brother doesn't get on me. He actually only says things to me when I do something positive. It feels good. He applauds me just for getting up. I know it sounds stupid to some but actually makes me feel a little better and brighter. Phil rarely does that, he pushes me to do more, if you can do this do this and this and this. I understand he is frustrated he is doing alot. I do mean alot. I can only imagine that frustration. What I wouldn't give to have a few days to surprise him and get a whole bunch done. I wish I could get a home maker. They don't give that to disability people anymore. They used to. I don't understand why it is gone now. I am making cajun chicken, lipton butter and herbs and corn for dinner. Phil is apparently gone to work though till 12am. He said he wanted to stay overnight at the hospital and come home tomorrow but he is going to come here at midnight instead. But once again I am here alone. We're waiting on his brother and Nikki to have baby. She was due Feb 1st. But still no word as of yet. At the same time his dad is going to be having surgery at some point and he is going to need prayers. Things may not go as well for him. I believe he has angels around him though and God is holding his hand. He has come this far. I love his parents so much they are wonderful people :) I don't know how the government works everywhere but I don't get why our BC government here in canada will force mothers to go after fathers for child support if they are on welfare. The only way not doing so is if they don't know who is the parent or if there is an issue of danger. You either go after them or don't get a cheque. Then you go to court you finally get a ruling are registered with family maintence the fathers are having wages garnished and taxes, so chances of not getting paid are pr4tty good. That's great. Well is it? The mother never really gets a dime because at least in BC the system takes that minatence off their cheque dollar for dollar. So the child is really no better off. Doesn't matter if your on disability either the rules still apply. On disability you are allowed to make a small amount of income but maintence is not part of that allowable income. Who thought this up? Who thought it would be great to have the mothers have the money for their kids taken away from them? Basically what it comes down to is dad is paying the government isn't it? Another thing that upsets me is people labelling their children with things they don't have just so they can get moeny for their kids. One of my child has been found to have invisable disabilities and has to get alot of extra help in school. Her grandparents pay for help outside of school. Something she unlike alot of other kids is very lucky to be able to have. Apparently if you don't get a diagnoses from a doctor and queen alexndria hospital here where we are in BC canada under the umbrella of autistim or variation of that therof you pretty much cannot get funding. I find this really unfair. Me being Bipolar is also an invisable disablity, but has been proven very dibilitating to many people and their families among other mental disabilities. My one child was hit by a car at school, but because my child has been in 2 other accidents we cannot prove that the injuries that my child suffers from now and continually suffers from are from this accident alone. We all know this accident is the cause. I have alot of anger concerning this accident. Nothing was dealt with properly and I hate seeing the pain even a couple years later it's ridiculous. It has only gotten worse and not better! We do have until age 19 to fight it and still might. I forgot I also collect anything having to do with being a scorpio. I am a very proud scorpio baby, I think we are the sign to beat:) We so totally rock. If you read my blog enough you'll wonder how me and Phil get along as you'll know he is a VIRGO and those who unlike him believe like Doug and I in astrology Virgos and scorpios can CLASH! We seem to opose one another on everything. I like to spend, he only likes to easily spend on his toys. I am a die hard romantic, Phil thinks romance is for losers, I am so far from being a clean freak and Phil is a spotless cleanfreak IN EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE WAY-USE YOUR IMAGINATION, I think sex should be long and thoughtout and wild and sex to him is clinical and an act to create children, I think you should have notyhing to hide with anyone, he thinks everything is secret and should be kept secret, I believe in astrology, he says it's bullshit, I believe in psychics and I believe I just know things and see things he says all of that is bullshit, I am unsure of aliens he believes they exist, go figure, He thinks he should always look fuckable to the opposite sex at any age, on any day, I think the right words will get you where you want to go. There is alot more but for now I am done. I gotta check dinner. Laterz.... Congradulations to Nikki and Colin on your new Baby girl On Feb 5th, 2007 (0) Comments

Posted: 2/6/2007 6:24:41 PM

Life: All Of A Sudden

Phil is always telling me I am NOT psychic, he doesn't believe I ever have been or ever will be. Despite having friends backing up visions I have had. Things I have been able to call bang on before they happen, when they happen I knew them. 3 friends I called being pregnant before th