bwahaha Posted 11/25/2008 10:06:04 PM oh nd my nickname is officially popcorn. it's a long story...ish. neener neener. yeah okay im bored. jen is at my house. and im bored. wait, i already sed that. HA! sry im a little slow today. OMFG!! MY BROTHER MARK GOT INTO A CAR WRECK!!! :'( luckilly, he's okay. he got out without a scratch. thank god. oh, and my grandma (my mom's mom) officially hates me. i really cant get into detail right now, but her and my mom are no longer talking because of the fight. it's a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. i am just that skilled because i dont evn have to look at the computer when i type and my mom is making fun of me for it!! bwahahaha i am awesome neener neener okay wtf?! why are peepl trying to run over an atm with a friggin tractor lookin thing?! thats pretty retarded i still am watching the news insted of looking at the computer screen!! oh i am doing pretty good in school i am not failing in any of my classes evn tho i have a D in both my modern civ class and my biology class ahhhhhhh okay well i gtg i'll will ttyl bye peepls!! ;) (0) Comments

grr... Posted 11/17/2008 5:23:50 PM idk y im saying that...maybe its cus for once i cant put what im thinking on here. (2) Comments

Beauty of the Lie: random bits and pieces Posted 11/16/2008 9:18:04 PM telling me lies so lovely that i fell for love under a lie that i mistaked the lie for the love ~*~ i dont need another "satisfaction garunteed" not when the blade is all i need ~*~ late nights all alone i dont want to talk yet im curled round the phone im racking my brain i see your face but forget the name ~*~ all you gave me was a lie you made me believe and yet i die ~*~ swallow the pain down with the pills (it's another ride down to suicide) ~*~ how can one person infilict so much pain? make me die? feel so ashamed? ~*~ the signs were there i just couldn't see because of the lies you made me believe ~*~ keep telling yourself lies you wish were true ~*~ the pain belongs more than i do ~*~ his face has faded away your chipped black nail polish has become a cliche along with the love you thought was there too bad you thought he'd always care ~*~ (okay, this is a really bad attempt to write something that spelled "love" down the side, so dont laugh): Losing faith for the time being Only this time i give up believing Vacant truths, so easilly decieving Every single tear appears so sickening Lovely little lies Open to change, you're so Vain, making it so hard to Explain the pain you brought me ~*~ okay, so yeah this is what i do when im bored. i flip open my book and scribble down random rymes that pop into my head. so, tell me what you think (and please dont just say "it's good", i am hoping for a comment a little more specific. thankz. (1) Comments

trying to keep myself occupied until the end... Posted 11/16/2008 9:02:24 PM ~*~ hey.... jared, what's happening? our friendship (relationship, w/e-the-hell-ship) is slowly but surely detiriorating. it feels like im losing you, which basically feels like im losing christing all over again. i hate this feeling, but i dont know what to do. i cant handle the thought of losing you, nd yet i know it is inevitable. what are we supposed to do? we were doing good for the past couple years, then we had this really great night...and now look where we are. this is exactly how me and christins frndship started to end. we got so close it was like we have known eachother forever and then in the blink of an eye those memories fade and we're left with meaningless glances and awkward silences. i fear the question: what now? ~*~ i fear the end. the end of what? another friendship that i was certain, that i was PROMISED would never end. and yet here i am, on the verge of tears all because i was STUPID enough to believe that people would never leave me. never in a million years would i have thought that the ones i truly cared about would both leave me within the same year. *mocks to self* : "christin may have left, but jared will always be there for me...." HA!! YEAH, RIGHT!!! goddammit, im such a fool. how could i believe in such a thing as "forever"? so, what now? im beating myself up because i was stupid and i wont make the same mistake again. just so you know, i no longer believe in "friends Forever", because there's no such thing. you might be achingly close to someone, but deep down underneath the tears and fake smiles, there's nothing. nothing but emptiness, arrogance, and judgementation (is that even a fucking word?!). w/e. i cant believe its disappearing, but i cant avoid it. goodnight, loves. (1) Comments

a free verse poem-ish i wrote...tell me what you think Posted 11/14/2008 5:41:54 PM it was a chain reaction with one thing leading to another inhale followed by inhale exhale by exhale a trail of gooseflesh in the shadow of your touch now the only thing left is the ghost of your presence your whispers of loyalty and love echoing inside the madness of my memory ... and now it's gone. ~*~ her cry was carried miles away from where he touched her, and yet no one heard the sounds of her fate. (2) Comments

this week has been a bust and im in need of a cig 3 sry luvs u all!! Posted 11/14/2008 5:34:24 PM sunday: practically lost jared. freaked out nd broke down. unfortunetly, i broke down too much and cut again. im sorry. but losing jared hurts just as much as losing chrisin. i couldnt stand it. monday: was an emotional wreck all day and tried so hard not to bitch everyone out. called jared up. kinda sorta bitched him out. maybe. jared, if you have a problem i really want you to tell me about it. dont bottle it in because it will just make it that much worse. couldnt sleep that night. tuesday: came home. saw my grandma. she bitched me out. it hurt like a mother fucker. she was pissed cus i invited my frends over when my mom wasnt home so my mom found out nd called up my grandma the next day. she bitched her mom out because she was pissed at me. okay, you know what, if mom had a problem she shouldve come to me. not yell at her mom. so now my mom and gramma are mad at eachother, shunning eachother. my mom cried for the rest of the day. i blamed myself. luckilly, my best friend ashleigh (does it hurt to read that?...) took my blades away. if she hadnt, i would NOT be writing this article right now. i was that upset. wednesday: mom made me stay home from school. idky, maybe out of guilt. the day went by slowly and painfully. thursday: didnt get any of my homework done so i stayed up late to try to finish it. long story short, mom got pissed cus i procrastinated, burdened me with shame and guilt, literally got in her car and LEFT, i went back to bed. she eventually came back home, came into my room, all sad and mopy like, apoligized and left. i would've ended it last night if i had my blades, i was so ashamed of myself. im sorry but she canNOT bitch me out one moment, and then be happy the next. it doesnt happen that way because it fucking trips me out and fucks me up because then i dont know what the fuck she wants. friday: (today) so far so good. she's super happy. it's as if last night didnt happen. and im going out with my uncle john and brett tonight so hopefully this should be a good week. wish me luck. (2) Comments

k i've gone from impatient to just plain out pissed Posted 11/9/2008 1:44:01 PM dammit jared! if u wna break apart whatever the hell it is we have then, fine! be that way. just dont go doing it over the fucking net! grow a fucking pair and fucking call me!!!! i dont want to have to tip toe around the fact that you dont care any more. let's just get this over with then. (3) Comments

something i just began randomly writing: Evan and Amber Posted 11/4/2008 7:09:08 PM Amber turned around in her chair to face Alex. “What did you say?” She all but spat at the pig-headed boy. “You heard me,” Alex said with a smirk. “Oh, I’m hoping I misheard you. For both of our benefits.” “What are you going to do for your benefit? Huh? Did you say you’re going to cut yourself again? Go ahead. See if anyone cares.” Amber just smiled at the ignorant prick and turned around. She’d get him back. After all, he wouldn’t be so tough when he wasn’t around his football buddies. She decided that she’d have to call her “friend” to help her out after school. ~*~ Alex waived his friends off. It was after football practice and the sun was starting to set. Alex was the last one in the school parking lot. Perfect. Alex turned to his car and was about to put the keys in when someone spun him around and punched him square in the face. Once he was down, the stranger started kicking him. Alex tried crawling away, he covered his face with his hands but all that did was piss the stranger off even more. After what seemed like forever, the man finally stopped. Alex was laying on his back and the man leaned down to his ear. “Karma’s a bitch,” the man said and left a broken, bloody Alex passed out on the ground. ~*~ The next day at school Amber tried hard not to smile as she passed her awestruck peers gossiping about the fact Alex was spending his days in a hospital. No one suspected shy, polite Amber as someone who would call upon others to beat the shit out of people who piss her off. The man, Evan, was a good friend of Amber’s. They had first met one day after Amber had gone over to the local mall. The mall was starting to close so Amber went out to her car. A man had come up behind her. He put his hand over her mouth and pressed his body against hers and the car. Amber tried to call for help but couldn’t. “You scream,” he whispered harshly into her ear. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. “and I’ll have to cut up your pretty little body.” The man started to reach his hand up her shirt when there was a “thud” sound and he collapsed to the ground. Amber leaned up against her car before turning around. She tried breathing but felt as if there was no more oxygen left in the atmosphere. It wasn’t until somebody spoke behind her that she spun around. “You okay?” A man said. There, about a foot behind the guy that attempted to rape Amber, was a man about 5’8 with short brown hair. His eyes looked piercing black in the dark of the night but when he got a better look at her his expression seemed to soften. He looked stunned even though it was Amber who was out of breath. “I think so,” Amber put a hand on her chest and tried taking a deep breath. It came painfully. She grimaced. “Come here,” the man said gently. Amber shook her head. “Thanks, but,” she turned to her car. “I’ve got to go.” She was about to open her door when she felt someone’s breath on her neck. She spun around to see the man was standing so close to her that she could’ve kissed him (and secretly she wanted to) if he wasn’t a stranger. “Excuse me,” Amber lifted her hands to push him back but in one, sweet second he leaned down and kissed her. Instantly, her knees went weak. The kiss was small but full of passion. In the back of her mind she saw images and fantasies of this stranger and her together (in very naughty ways). She tried to shake off these thoughts but couldn’t. The man stopped the kiss but still was close enough that their lips brushed. “I’m Evan.” He whispered. “I’m Amber,” She whispered back. “Amber…” Evan echoed in a softer whisper. A cold wind blew and when Amber opened her eyes Evan was gone. Her eyes scanned the dark parking lot but couldn’t find Evan. She heard someone moaned and looked down. The guy who had attacked her started to get back up again but Amber kicked his ribs and he fell back to the ground. She slid into her car and drove off; replaying the last couple minutes over and over again in her head. (2) Comments

fwb and an angry frend Posted 11/3/2008 6:35:11 PM jared, dont shoot me (at least not yet) but i have a new fwb (frend w/ benifits). he's 18, the singer and guitar player in my uncle johns band, and his name is brett. originally, he wanted to go out with me. the only thing that was stopping him was the fact that im his frends (johns) neice and i told him i have a bf. evn tho i explained that jared and i are in an open relationship (hell, wen u think bout it thats wut jared nd i R: fwb), brett still cant go out with me cus, well, family...you know. w/e. anyways. actually, me and brett being fwb is actually a REALLY bad idea cus if anyone in my family finds out im basically damned for the rest of my life cus he is, afterall, 18. anywho, im sure you're just DIEING to know what happened this morning! besides jared. im pretty sure he doesnt want to know. so, for his benifit, because i know that evn if i tell him not to read this he will anyways and then he'll be REALLY pissed at me, i will not go into detail on what me and brett did. all i'll say is: we're were alone in john's bedroom, john was gone, everyone else was knocked out (it was, like, 8 in the morning), and we were both in the mood. i'll just leave the rest to the imagination (but for gods sake, i am still a virgin!! jeez). he said he didnt want to take my V-gaurd *snicker*. his words, i swear. he didnt want to take my virginity, in other words. so, jared, exhale. im still yours babe. but you're mad for another reason arent you? yes, yes you are. i cant help that. you'll get over it, whether you want to admit it or not. i still love you jared. (2) Comments

halloween night Posted 11/1/2008 6:19:15 PM i was standing in the backyard of greg and amy's house waiting for my uncle's friend, brett, to arrive. me and my friends, amanda and ashleigh, were helping out with a haunted forest. we, along with about 20 other scarers, were all dressed up (me in a long black dress) and ready to start scaring come 8 o'clock. i was about to head back to the trail where i was supposed to be hiding when brett pulled up. he parked his car and out came the joker off of batman. complete with a purple suit, white face, and red gruesome scars he completed the joker look. i've only met brett once before when i went to HuHot with my uncle (18). brett thought i was cute as did i think he was cute. so, yeah, there was sorta something between us, but neither acted on the impulse to date eachother (at least not yet). i was glad to see him. long story short, throughout the night brett was really flirting with me and, i admit, i flirted back. but when the haunted forest was over and we were walking back up to the house i learned how brett had been suicidal a couple weeks ago and last wednesday his frend joe committed suicide. brett had to speak at his service this morning. i felt really bad and i let brett know that i've been in that position before and if he ever needs to talk that im here for him. he said the same thing to me. so, a small friendship turned into a bigger friendship. -time lapse- i didnt wake up till noon today and when i did i immidiately txted brett to see how the service went. he said it went okay. aaaanddd LONG story short me and brett are fwb (friends with benifits). we cant tell john, my uncle, though because he'll probably end up shooting both of us. luvs!! lol okay well, i gtg so i think i will talk to u l8r peeps!!! (2) Comments

and the smoke of cherry cigars wafted through the cold night air as we coughed our way through insanity :/ Posted 10/28/2008 5:06:27 PM last night my brother, nick, and i went out to our camper to bring the PS2 inside. he was searching through one of the drawers (looking for...something, idk) and found a small pack of these inky-dinky cigars. they looked like cigarrettes from a distance but the dark brown cover they had was a dead give away and one look at the cover of the package clearly stated that they were, in fact, cigars. cherry flavored, nonetheless. since it was dark out and we were far away from the house (and given that we were curious) nick took a match, stood outside in the breezy cold night, and lit up. with a slow inhale the cigar caught and smoke swirled away from the red tip. he handed it to me and, i admit, i tried it. it wasnt that bad. long story short, we finished it off and after sucking on some jolly ranchers and making sure we didnt smell like smoke, we went back inside. and i told my best friends amanda and ashleigh. and they shot lazer beams at me through their eyes. i guess i cant blame them for being angry. but, hey, i never promised i would never do anything like that. of course i've always wanted to experiment. i just never told anyone because i didnt know how they'd react and i guess i expected them to assume i would never evn think about smoking because my older brother does it and it kind of bugs me (not as much as it bugs my mom of course). i dont see it as such a big deal. idk. what's worse is that i was thinking about having my one potheaded whore of a friend (LOVES!!!) bring out some cigarettes cus, well, both me and nick want to try. now does that make me such a bad person? am i an addict? will i become an addict? no, no, and GOOD LORD I HOPE NOT!!! i'll be fine. and plus, i know my Whore-able friend and my brother wont let me get ahead of myself, the same way i wouldnt let them. in other words: no worries. i'll be fine. -love you all! vote responsibly!! (5) Comments

a bit of randomness love on the side, please. Thank You. Posted 10/23/2008 5:04:53 PM i was leaning over the wooden table in my wood shop class trying to plug in the router into a plug suspended from the cieling when who should walk by and smack my ass? weston: An all too confident Junior in my highschool who spends the 90 minutes of class flirting away with me. if i wasnt too busy with the friggin router and if he wasnt right by the teacher i would've gone up and slapped his face. unfortunetly, i didnt get around to it. he wouldnt be such a bad guy if he didnt ignore me when we're around other people. i think he cares way too much about what other people think. whatever. on a much more PAINFUL (gahh!!) note: i got more fucking braces!! horrible! i officially have them not only on the top but bottom as well. grr. oh well, nobody wants to remember highschool. everybody was dorky back then and who am i to break tradition? ;) oh, yup, thats right, im still grounded. until saturday-ish. yayness. okay well, OH i got to see jared wednesday night which was AWESOME. heehee. only i was soooo in the mood to make out. apparently, he wasnt. oh, nd ashleigh was in the mood as well. k well thats all i gess. ttyl luvs (0) Comments

grounded Posted 10/14/2008 6:51:34 PM but it was sooo worth it ;) though i do have a few questions: like, how was it for you? ;) nd u kinda confused me cus...well, you know i gotta go. i'll talk to you in two weeks time (0) Comments

in spite of her warning Posted 10/8/2008 7:28:34 PM in spite of her warnings "cody will just use you", maybe im desperate enough to go against what ashleigh says and fool around with cody a bit. did i mention she already has a new beau (thats how you spell it right?)? how fucking stupid is that?! so, fine, just because she's too preoccupied with her own life (and because im a stubborn fool) i just might have to sneak over to his house the next home game and give into temptation for a half hour. yes, i know it's a stupid thing to do but i dont even care anymore. mark is ignoring me, ashleigh is ignoring me, i feel like jared is ignoring me (sry, babe, but i do) so now im in the mood for a little lovin evn tho im sure i'll get plenty friday from my love. im just feeling rebellious right now. and im going to shoot my fkin computer!! *sigh* god, im sooo in the mood for...huh, nvm. it doesnt evn matter. (0) Comments

not worth the wait Posted 10/4/2008 7:06:38 PM do you remember cody (e.i. micheal from the previous articles i've written about him, kate, and allison)? anyways, apparently he's like totally obsessed with me. he says that he'll get so stressed out to the point where all he wants to do is fight with someone but when he heres my voice or sees me smile (or thinks about the time we held hands) he instantly cools down. he says that im the only one that can make him calm and motivate him and that i give him the power to do anything. he says i mean so much to him...and all he wants is me. ~*~ you know, this is all so eerilly similar to last year when denis and his lies invaded my life and tore me apart. but this somehow seems different. i think it's because i know cody and i know he's true to himself and his friends. he values me and my beliefs. whenever i call him or he calls me his voice gets all soft and sweet. he says that i'm the only one (besides this one other girl from a while ago who he moved away from) who can calm him down like that. he says this he says that and damned if i dont fall for it too much. :/ well, i'll keep you guys up-to-date with the whole cody ordeal. g'nite loves! :) p.s. dont worry jared! i still and always will love you more!! (2) Comments

a date w/ boredom and maybe a bad idea. Posted 10/3/2008 5:24:12 PM tonight is a football game. yay? i wouldnt be going if it wasnt for cody. he got suspended from skewl until monday for *sumthin*. and being the good friend that i am, im going to sneak away when mom isnt looking and go to his house. u know i did the same thing monday and i was alone in a room with a boy who's apparently obsessed with me but we didn't do anything besides talk as he played is vidya (video) games. why is it so hard for ashleigh to NOT kiss every single guy she meets? there was incredible temptation (well, for cody. not me. im not too crazy about him but i dont dislike him either) on monday but my tongue stayed in my mouth, thank you very much. ...*awkward silence on my end*... ANYWAYS! moving on! so why is it a bad idea for me to go over to cody's? well, for the obvious reasons of course, but also because i dont want ashleigh thinking that i've got a secret thing with her ex. that would lead to bad blood between my best friend and i. not to mention i'd probably be forced to shun(?) cody, who is, in all honesty, a good, trustworthy friend. well, i've got to go spruce up for the game (for no particular reason *or person* of course). i'll catch you on the flip side. (1) Comments

need. chocolate. and. a. movie. and. needs. to. be. with. jared. period......... Posted 9/30/2008 5:00:57 PM bahhh...i feel blah. the end. not really. where are you when i need you jared? i could really use one of ur hugs right now. i feel forgotten in my house. i feel ignored and unimportant at school. i feel like sleeping out on my roof because that's about as free as i can get. *sigh* shit. moms yelling at me again. you know what?! this is bullshit!! how can she yell?! she's just pissed for no reason. im the one whos pissed as hell! i had to sit there and pretend everything is just dandy while she bawled her eyes out in public! goddammit life isnt fair...i have to be strong. again. as always. damn. i'll work this out...maybe. (0) Comments

almost forgot she's like this... Posted 9/28/2008 3:04:53 PM i got so wrapped up in my social stresses and drama that i almost forgot my mom gets extremely depressed when she gets her "monthly" migraine. i got a rude awakening when my mom burst into tears at the pancake house after church this morning. i hate the fact that she gets suicidal. it makes me get the same way. i stopped cutting this summer. i dont want to start up again but whenever i see her like this the blade gets tempting yet again. i really need to get out of the house. it gets so hard seeing the pain in her blood shot eyes. i have to be strong for her, though. i cant cry. i cant give in. i cant give up; not like her. im not like her. (0) Comments

homecoming night. Posted 9/23/2008 7:44:05 PM im sorry i was so paranoid. but can u blame me?! i felt kinda...oh, i dunno, surprised. i didnt know we would go that far. lord only knows what would happen if we had more time and a room together... ;) i'll try to relax more oct 10. as long as we get ur room babe ;) i love you, jared!! (2) Comments

this girl Posted 9/17/2008 5:33:50 PM i see her walking around school. i see myself. she's constantly wearing black. black eyeliner. black hoodie. always wearing a long sleeved shirt. just like i did when i was cutting. today i saw her carrying a book called "cut" by Patricia Mccormick. it's about this girl who cuts herself and is in a "mental institue" called "sea pines". i read that book when i was cutting. when i saw her with this book i almost turned around and went to talk to her, but the flow of highschool hallway traffic pushed me in the opposite direction. if it had just been me and her in the hallway i would've no doubt gone and talked to her. this doesnt mean that im ashamed to talk to her, no. i just havent the time to spare. i dont know her name. i dont know what grade she's in (maybe jr high). i dont know why. all i know is that i see myself when i look at her and by god, by the end of this year i promise i'll talk to her. make sure she's noticed. it can never hurt to make new friends. especially ones who have gone through the same shit you have. (: (2) Comments

homecoming....again... Posted 9/16/2008 5:15:56 PM AHHH!!! HOMECOMING IS THIS FRIDAY AND I CAN NOT WAIT!!!...i wander if we absolutely have to have a date...cus since jared cant go i dont have a date...pooh... ah, well, we'll see what happens. what am i doing right now? reading through some of the crap i've randomly written that's sitting in my folder on my computer. i think i'll put one of the stories i started a long time ago on here. i dont know. let me re-read it and decide if it's newblog worthy (lol)...ummm no. not even worthy of mentioning. it happens. we write well and then we write shitty. and trying to write when you have writers block is the most asinine thing a person can do. the end. so, yeah. OOOhhhh!! my brother mark has a cutie blond friend over. i think i'll go stick my nose where it doesnt belong. ttyl luvs!! (0) Comments

good news Posted 9/13/2008 10:36:01 PM we've worked out the kinks (well, most of them right?) we're gna try to keep in touch more. cant let skewl or others tear us apart. we've worked too hard for that to happen. we've made too many memories for life to keep us apart. we're better. friends forever. (1) Comments

you cant break what was never together. you cant shatter what was never whole. Posted 9/12/2008 8:49:04 PM I stumbled into the side of the couch and chuckled when I fell face first into the cushions. “Oh, shh!” I whispered. “Shh! They’re all asleep!” I tried to turn onto my side but rolled off the couch instead. “Oh, fuck,” I murmured and stood up. “Woops, too fast. Haha!” I don’t think I stood up quickly but it sure did feel like it because of the rush of dizziness that washed over me. I don’t quite understand why I couldn’t feel my arms or legs; or why I felt weightless as I stumbled through the first story of our house. I only took 5 sleeping pills. I wasn’t trying to overdose (at least not yet). I simply wanted to feel something other than the pain of losing my best friend. It took about a half hour for the pills to kick in and do they’re damage. After taking them I zoned into sleep for about ten minutes and when I woke back up I was totally disoriented. I felt incredibly weightless. I jumped out of bed and went downstairs to try to walk off the dizziness. It didn’t help. “Woah,” I said as I stood in the middle of our living room with my feet apart and my arms moving slowly up and down. “God, I am so fucking out of it…shitters…” The room seemed to tip to one side and I teetered to the right. “Shit,” I leaned up against a wall and after slow processing of trying to figure out what was going on I decided to go back to bed. After wobbly walking up the stairs I went into my room and awkwardly climbed into bed. I closed my eyes. My body felt like it had melted into the bed. I was about to fall asleep when my whole body did a spastic jerk. I figured it was just my body trying to relax but the pills obviously screwed up my muscles. Instead of gradually relaxing I would relax quickly and then jerk myself awake. Each time I sat straight up in bed from the jerks, horrible thoughts ran through my head.; I was starting to think that I had overdosed. I didn’t really sleep that night. Every ten minutes I’d jerk awake and then pass out again. After I got home from school the next day I was stupid enough to take four more pills. I figured the symptoms out: First half hour: nothing After about an hour: major headache and a slight stomach ache. Then sleep. After sleep for a little bit, total spacy-ness. You feel like you’re stuck in a dream. Movement seems over used and dramatic. Your voice becomes distant sounding and you start repeating yourself or talk quietly. Unfortunately for me, I only have four pills left. Goodnight. (1) Comments

good day turned into a bad day. Posted 9/10/2008 7:42:51 PM okay, well. i cant tell you how my day was good but i can sure as hell can tell you why it went bad: ...long story short. Our friendship is gone. (0) Comments

The Collider? (opinions apprectiated) Posted 9/9/2008 5:06:45 PM have you heard of this "Multibillion-dollar collider to probe nature's mysteries" (qhoth CNN.com)?? i dont fully understand what they (scientists) are trying to do. my math teacher told us that they're trying to figure out what caused the Big Bang [theory], but im not quite sure. i figure if they're trying to create this Big Bang using proton "beams" then wouldn't that pretty much destroy the earth? you can get more information concerning this ("this" just so happens to be happening tomorrow in Geneva, Switzerland) here: http://edition.cnn.com/2008/TECH/09/08/lhc.collider/index.html anybodys' opinions are welcome. (2) Comments

im sorry Posted 9/9/2008 5:00:37 PM yes i realize that it apparently doesnt count on here for you jared. im not trying to ignore christin i really am not!!! chris! im not tryin to ignore you! i...(dont take this the wrong way) i just dont know what im sorry for. and im not blaming you for what has happened to our friendship! i cant say im sorry for meeting ashleigh. im not going to because believe or not she, too, is a good friend. its just not like the good old days when we could just babble on about nothing and still have a good time. why? i honestly dont know. but christin, ur right. i am acting like our friendship never happened but in reality it's probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. maybe...well, i was thinkin bout askin if i can spend the night but i guess that wouldnt really be fair cus i've been actin like a total bitch. yeah, that'd be pretty ballsy of me. i just feel like chris and i dont mix quite right. and whenever i went over to her house (PLEEZ dun take this the wrong way) i just felt like my family and i were being judged. my family will always look like a failure compared to yours and yes, i realize that i compare other people to myself but sometimes i just cant help it. it's how i was brought up. christin's family is a picture perfect version of mine if life had turned out differently. i dont know... maybe that spark we had is gone. it definitely got dimmer. i dont know how to get it back. (0) Comments

i dont mean for it to be gone... Posted 9/8/2008 4:49:43 PM dammit, it's too early in the year for my life to be falling apart. i just found out that my older brother is doing some sort of drug. i guess it doesnt surprise me. im just disappointed. i dont even know who he is anymore. not the same little boy who used to always look out for me. hell, i dont really know who i am anymore. im pretty sure i've changed a bit too this year. im losing my best friend. and unlike my other friends i really and truly mean it with all my tortured heart that christin was the best friend anyone could ever ask for and i feel more than lucky to have had her trust and love. i dont exactly know what has happened to our friendship. i guess...no, i know that part of the reason im not entirely trying to save our friendship is because i feel like i dont belong with christin. when she started hangin out with nikki more i realized that whenever i was around christin i kept comparing myself to nikki. i hated that. no matter what i asked myself "i wander if this is what nikki would say, i bet nikki would do this, nikki would do that", so yeah, i tried to be less of myself and more like nikki even though i couldnt possibly be exactly like nikki; no matter how much myself or christin wanted me to be. and then there's the thing about venting: i just couldnt do it anymore. granted, thats not entirely a bad thing, but it was the guilt that tore me up inside when i did it. i always felt like i didnt belong with christin or the guys because they were always so laid back and there lives were just so flawless compared to mine. they would talk about something and i would feel so out of place because i didnt know what to say. i was brought up in the world of sending negative vibes and messages. i had no clue how to communicate without bringing up how shitty my life was. they all knew it, which left me with nothing better to say. when im with ashleigh, venting isnt so bad. she's made me realized that, yeah, my life sucks ass and the same old problems keep repeating themselves, but she also gave me something else to do. walking around town with her, or listening to what's goin on in her life makes me feel like i dont have to be stuck in a rut for the rest of my life. i really dont know how to explain that any better on here, sorry. the time spent with christin was not a waste and if i hear her say that again i might have to slap her silly. without her help, her care, her positive-ness, chances are i would not be here (alive) to type this article now. she really has helped me out so much and got me out of the house when i needed air. i really hope that she understands that i still care, but i think what i really need right now is a change in my life and maybe she needs the same. i still care, i still believe in the friendship we shared. i don't think that it will ever be entirely gone. (1) Comments

brawr.... Posted 9/8/2008 4:16:41 PM day before: chocolate chocolate CHOCOLATE!! HAHA!! :D first day: FRIED FOOD!!! YUM!! :P second/third day: gahh...depression, anger, blah-ness settles in... ':/ last day: lovely baby just need you ;) ........ god, mother nature sure does suck sometimes...sometimes as in a few days outta the month :P ah, well it passes and eventually i feel better. like now!! yay me!! :/ dunno dun ask. ~*~ moving on. homecoming iiisssss sooo many days away i iz too lazy to go and look. it's next friday. hopefully the weather wont be too bad. once again, i can NOT wait until then. *bang bang maxwells silver hammer came down upon her head!! :O oh no!* any who... JARED CALL ME!! BAAHHHH!!! did joe call me sexy?? hahahahaha!!! tis funny... okay, well im gna go now...i gess...ttyl luvz... OH HEY!! wait, before you go i have a question to ask the reader (you): for speech class we have to act out a food. any body have any clues how to do this? if so, i'd love to hear your ideas! thnx!! (1) Comments

homecoming Posted 9/5/2008 5:41:21 PM so many days away and hopefully it will come faster than we expect...WEE!!.... oh...my...FUCKING GOD!!! okay, jared, whether u want to know this or not it's pretty damn sexy hearin u play that bass!! ;) i must say it's kind of a turn on ;) ;) ;) okay, cant wait till the game LUVS!!! (3) Comments

homecoming Posted 9/4/2008 5:45:00 PM 14 DAYS!! cant wait till then...seriously. its constantly on my mind. *squeals* YAYNESS!!! okay, so i might get a little buzzed before the game and dance but, hey, i really dun care too much bout that. apparently jared cares though so i guess i wont get THAT buzzed...*maybe*.... BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! okay, well micheal might spend the night at ashleighs house with me that night (again) so this should be interesting, no? yes. yes it shall. i thnk cody is jealous cus jared has my heart. :D luvz jared!!! okay ttyl luvs! (0) Comments