Gemface

Developments in the rock world

posted on 9/20/2007 4:50:31 PM in (0) Comments

Led Zeppelin are doing a one-off reunion gig with John Bonham's son Jason on drums! EEeeeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeEEEE!!! And it's on my birthday, if it's on telly I might even stay at home instead of going to the local rock night. If not, the club's bound to play some Zep for me if I tell them it's my birthday.

Still no sign of Chinese Democracy. Come on Axl, you said it would be out this week and now you've put it back until February- you fucker. Pull your finger out and get it into the shops.

And I can finally play Black Dog on guitar... well, bits of it anyway. The guitar playing's coming along nicely now; after a year and a half of fucking about on my own with the occasional bit of help from more talented friends, I'm finally good enough to start learning a few songs that aren't three chord wonders. That's right bitches, I can use four chords in one song now! I kid of course, I'm starting to be an okay-ish guitarist. When I'm in my room alone I can keep telling myself that anyway. Heh heh.

Fuckers

posted on 8/8/2007 8:58:55 AM in Rant: (1) Comments

So I'm back in my old job at KFC for the summer, until I go back to university in the autumn. I need the money to pay the rent on the house I'm sharing with four friends. But there's something happening which is really pissing me off.

Before I get reported to KFC for bitching about the company, and then get the sack, I'd like to point out that I'm not annoyed at anyone in any position of authority over me, and I'm not annoyed at the staff in general. It's just one guy and his mum that have irritated me.

This guy, I'll call him Mr Chav (because he is one), is seventeen, arrogant, and lives with his overprotective mother. He's started to get less and less hours at work despite being a full time staff member (in theory) just because he plays football. Well, when I was his age I was working 20 hours a week, doing four A levels and trying to fit one riding lesson and one driving lesson in every week. I had to do without my horse riding most weeks because I was working all weekend and a couple of days after school.

This week, he asked to work Monday night, then tried to swap that shift with other people because he wanted to do some football thing. He then said he just wouldn't turn up, which led to assumptions being made about me doing said shift. I flat-out refused, having worked five eight-hour shifts in a row previously, and that Monday was my day off. I felt bad, but I really don't see why I should work until I make myself ill, all for someone who doesn't work well anyway. When I work with him, I end up doing his job AND my own, since he's too busy chatting up fourteen year old girls to do anything useful.

On Sunday, when I found out about all this, his mother came in to tell the shift runner that the manager had shouted at her, saying her son was a bad worker. I can see why he would have done it, but I believe him when he says he didn't- he never shouts at anyone, he's being very reasonable considering the situation- and to be fair, Mr Chav is a lazy little fuck, so I don't see why the manager wouldn't tell his mother about it.

I just found out (today's Wednesday) thatMr Chav isn't coming into work all week, as he has a backache, but it's common knowledge that he has been told by his mother to say that, and not to come into work, just to anoy the manager. I swear to God, if eiother of them come in, I will not be responsible for my actions. This is very unfair and selfish, not to mention petty, and I have no desire to do anyone else's job because they're a pitiful excuse for a human being. If I speak my mind and get in trouble, I'm going over everyone's heads and straight to the proper authorities in Human Resources.

I work hard, as do most of the staff, and I have no respect for those who can't dop that- I don't enjoy my job as such, but I get satisfaction out of doing it well despite that feeling. I don't want others making it harder.

I love the smell of atheism in the morning

posted on 6/9/2007 11:27:09 AM in Rant: (3) Comments

Religious people scare me at the best of times. Now I'm watching 'Jesus Camp' on YouTube, and it's making me feel worse. Religion disturbs me. Personal faith and belief in a higher entity is fine, but please don't force it on anyone else, especially me.

And what the fuck is wrong with kids reading harry Potter? It's a fucking story! That's FICTION.

Bloody people with their brainwashing and their intolerance.

I am so glad I'm not a believer in anything (except the Flying Spaghetti Monster of course :P), I would hate to be associated with these people.

Bah

posted on 5/26/2007 11:36:35 AM in Rant: (0) Comments

Right now, everyone is getting on my nerves. Maybe it's because I've started to meet more people, and hang out with a wider range of nutters, but some of the people I know in halls really bloody annoy me.

There's two guys who are still really bitter about some in-halls student committee elections that they lost last term- which were about two months ago. The guys who beat them are apparently dodgy, only get into student politics to fuck things up for other people and generally be annoying. It's bollocks. They wanted to be helpful and make a contribution is all, because like the rest of us, they've become strangely fond of the dump we live in.

I can understand that because these particular bitter guys don't really go out that much, and they aren't that popular, they would be quite upset at losing those elections because they don't have much else to think about. What pisses me off is that they accuse the other, decent guys of doing exactly what they've done. One guy accuses the one that beat him of fixing the election, since that's exactly what HE was trying to do, the other one is accusing his equivalent of just wanting to be on a committee for the hell of it when he himself lost an election, then stood in another for a different position because the first guy didn't want my friend to win the election.

That probably made very little sense to anyone who doesn't live in halls with me, so I'm sorry.

Oh yeah, and there's a girl in our group of friends who gets ridiculously drunk whenever we go out. I don't care if people get drunk, it's all part of having a good time, but to go out with the sole purpose of getting shitfaced is stupid. And she gets so plastered that someone else always has to look after her and/or go after her when she wanders off into the night.

I should be worried, but I'm not any more, I'm just pissed off at her for being so selfish and irresponsible.

And then there's the fact that I was in bed at 2am this morning and I could hear some guys making loads of noise. Fair enough on a Friday night, but not when part of that noise is deliberately ripping my Led Zeppelin poster off my door. I assume it was the guys that make fun of it/me late at night whenever they're drunk. Fucking townies.

I hate people sometimes.

The Metal

posted on 5/19/2007 6:03:46 PM in Rant: (1) Comments

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/connected/main.jhtml?xml=/connected/2007/03/21/nmetal21.xml

That, my friends, is a rather interesting news story that says pretty much what I've been saying all along about heavy metal. Basically, what the majority of people think about metallers (if that's the right word... metalheads?) is wrong. Huzzah. The article says that a lot of the brightest young people listen to metal, and if the people I know at university are anything to go by it's true.

As a smart kid, you often feel left out or isolated because nobody else is on your level- the other young people don't understand you and you scare them, because your sense of humour and the way you see the world is something they can't comprehend yet. Then the adults around you treat you in a way that seems patronising because you feel too mature to be treated like a child. I'm talking about the teenage years mainly,of course.

So you get picked on, and feel like nobody understands you- the catalyst for becoming a heavy metal fan. Metal sounds so angry and aggressive, and it's LOUD. Even something like power metal, with lyrics that come straight from Tolkien, makes you feel better. To be fair, metal like that is enjoyable for clever kids that read a lot because they tend to get into more comlex books like Lord Of The Rings and so on. But anyway, i digress. The point is that listening to metal makes you realise that you're not the only person who feels angry and maybe a little bitter or resentful towards people who don't understand you.

And so the smart, witty, maybe a bit nerdy teenager transforms into someone that freaks people out good and proper. It might be that they look totally normal but then start to talk about death metal, or it might be that they appear much further from the mainstream and yet listen to Fall Out Boy. Or they might be the stereotype 'metaller' that you very often see around Reading University- the creature I'll describe in a bit. Metallers ARE scary, but not for the reasons you would think. They aren't violent people, and they aren't stupid. They're scary and threatening because they don't go with the flow- they tend to be from areas with not much of a rock scene, so they really stand out when not in a university town (or Camden!). Thanks to years of bullying and a high level of sarcastic wit in addition to their intelligence, they can often argue their point very well- something that worries a lot of other people.

So. The 'metaller' student. The male of the species is usually either very tall and skinny or about five foot four. The general attire is black, with maybe a bit of colour thrown in. Maybe. Preferred items of clothing are long black Matrix-style coats, baggy trousers/jeans, Vans or similar trainers, and band shirts. Of course there are variations- a lot of the time, crazy hats can be found, and the occasional piratey costume- metallers seem to like pirates. Then there is the amazing and entertaining extension of the body that is: HAIR! Hair is far too important to these guys. It's all about the ponytail. Most of them have long hair but not all- and none of them really seem to care about that, which is nice. It's better for headbanging if you have long hair though. Beards are quite common too- I say beards, I mean half-arsed bumfluff in most cases. Bless their little hearts, trying to be manly.

Female metallers are a lot less obvious. Generally we look emo, or manly. Sometimes both. Dyed hair (red/black/purple/very blonde), eyeliner, stripes and lots of morbid yet cute accessorising is the way forward. And of course the masses of black, pirate theme and band shirts still apply.

To a certain extent I am stereotyping people, but to be fair, just because you don't want to fit in with the mainstream doesn't mean you don't want to belong somewhere. If there's a thriving scene and you want to be part of it, why not dye your hair black and get yourself a guitar? As long as you do it for yourself, I see no problem with looking a bit like your friends.

And actually, something that does irritate me is that everyone who likes rock music is thrown in together. Yeah, there are a few people who do it for the trends, or cause trouble, or are music snobs, but htere's so much more diversity than other people realise. I'll explain using terms people are familiar with, and maybe a few sub-genres of metal, to explain- sorry if I seem to be labelling people but it's just for easier understanding. There are emo kids and scene kids, who nobody else likes that much because they tend to be the ones who are music snobs and/or are in it for the cool points. Then there are goths, people who look like Vikings, glam metallers (think Guns N Roses), and people who look pretty much normal but are really into the music. There's a whole spectrum of people and they don't always like the type of music you would expect. For example, I look relatively emo, but I prefer to listen to classic rock and glam.

So yeah- smart kids listen to metal. Or as Reading university would indicate: smart, odd, funny kids listen to metal. It makes us feel better. And it's less retarded than pop and rap.


Oh yeah... and it sounds fan-fucking-tastic. Guitar solo anyone?

Best. Pub. Ever!

posted on 5/18/2007 6:31:30 PM in (0) Comments

I just went to a pub in Reading called the Rising Sun. It was awesome.

Everyone there is kind of nuts. but then I met some bloke who I believe is known as Fern, or that's what it sounded like anyway.

That guy is an absolute legend. He wears a three-cornered hat and a pirate/highwayman type coat, but with a Hawaiian shirt underneath.He talks hilarious bollocks constantly and he drinks brandy. He likes to do little dances for no reason and tell people random facts about the bands he likes.

I think I love him. Not in a romantic way, I just... I wish he was my brother.

Just to say...

posted on 5/16/2007 9:35:09 PM in (2) Comments

...I've spent the last 24 hours having really deep conversations about religion, life and vampires (yeah I know), playing video games and listening to rock ballads.

I also realised during said deep conversations that I know a lot more of the stuff I need for the impending exams of doom than I realised, which is reassuring.

It's been good fun.

And now I'm going to bed with a HIM album and a good book. Good night!

Sugarsugarsugarsugarsugar!

posted on 5/14/2007 8:29:45 PM in Weird: (2) Comments

*squee* I have had biscuits, sweets, chocolate and Fanta today- so now I'm super-hyper and bouncing off the walls. Here is some of the random stuff that's popped into my head recently:

Raisins are made of sunshine and win.

The straw in my J2O earlier wasn't big enough. It was pure fail, really. Stupid straw.

The best cartoon characters evereverEVER are Quagmire, Ralph Wiggum, Gir and Gary the Snail. I love supporting characters, they get all the best lines.

The majority of people I know at university can be described as 'the weird one with the ponytail'.

Trees are vegetarian cannibals- that was on a YouTube video that I watched earlier... it was made by some older students at my uni.

A scene from Invader Zim, where Gir has taken out his chip that stops him getting lost:
"Why? Why would you do that?"
"To make room for a cupcake!" ^_^

Woooo!

It's 2:10am...

posted on 5/11/2007 9:16:20 PM in Rant: (1) Comments

...and I'm still awake, having just realised that the reason I like Enya is because it sounds the way I imagine the elves in Lord Of The Rings would sing, and I like elves. Elves are hot. Sometimes.

Incidentally, the reason I am still awake is because of the events of tonight's pub trip. There's a little pub downstairs in my hall of residence called the Swan. We were there tonight for my friend Jon's birthday, and I was stupid enough to drink vodka, and a cocktail that had both whiskey and more vodka in it. Bodka isn't good for me- it makes me overly concerned with my love life.

I proceeded to go and talk to my ex-boyfriend, who I dated briefly last term- it didn't really work out, but we're still friends and I can talk to him about anything, which is nice. So anyway, over I go, wobbling slightly, and he asks what's wrong. I start to cry (not sobbing, but those horrible tears that pour down your cheeks without any warning or sound) and he immediately gives me a hug. So I explain what's up and he tries to understand, but he doesn't quite get it, because how can anyone else truly understand how someone else feels unless they've been in the exact same situation?

Later that evening, it's almost time to go and I'm sat with some friends, still feeling kind of sad. One of the guys asks me why I look sad, so I explain to him too, and he tells me I'm pretty, getting the two girls sitting with us to agree with him. But it doesn't help, because around Christmastime he was on the rebound from his last girlfriend and I was the girl he rebounded with. What made things even worse was that after we left the pub, the two of us went over to our part of halls (good ol' cell block H) to go to bed. As he lives one floor below me, I went to give him a hug and say goodnight, and he kissed me. It wasn't a full-on kiss but it was on the lips, and it made me feel weird- I wanted some affection but not from him because I know he's just told someone that he doesn;t want to go out with them, and he recently really liked someone who hurt him. Also, been there already and it was horrible because he kept trying to have sex with me when I clearly didn't want to. I'm not saying he forced me into anything- he never made me do anything I didn't want to, and anyway, when you go back to a drunk 19 year old's room with him what else is he going to think?

So I should probably explain what the hell this is all about, ie. what was wrong tonight that made me feel so weird and sad. Well here it is: I'm lonely. I'm 19 years old and the only relationship I've had where I felt like the guy really cared about me ended three weeks after we started seeing each other (that was the guy who I'm still friends with). The two guys I'd gone out with before that were both too cowardly and immature to break up with me, so they just avoided me in the hope that I would do it for them- which I did, and I was a total bitch about it- I feel it was quite reasonable.

I would put it down to bad luck, but it appears to be my personality that puts people off. The other day a friend of mine said that maybe I scared guys away because I look like I'm about to yell at them. It actually really hurt, because I know I can be a grumpy bitch, but when I go out I'm not like that at all, but he doesn't know that because he won't go out to the rock clubs and pubs that the rest of us visit.

Despite Liam, my ex (who should know), reassuring me that I'm a nice person and that I'm not evil and crazy enough to put guys off, I still feel like my personality is too much for guys to handle. The most positive spin I can put on it is to think that maybe I'm too sharp- maybe being sarcastic, funny, smart and opinionated is intimidating. But that's just who I am- and the flip side of it is that I'm quite insecure (in case you hadn't guessed, haha) and totally lacking in confidence when it comes to the opposite sex.

I've been hurt so many times now by guys that either don't want me or just want me for the sex they don't even get. All I want is for someone to love me, is that so much to ask for? I'm sick of being the one who's always on her own. For the three weeks I was with Liam I was so happy, and although I understand that it wasn't going to work and I wouldn't wish for it to keep going if it wasn't right, I miss feeling like that so much. That's not to say I want to be in a relationship with him again- for a start, I would never want to be with someone if it made them unhappy. I just want to feel like someone likes me for who I am, not who they think I should be or what i look like. I'm not looking for Mr Right, not at 19- there's years for that, and I've never been one for the fairytale.

If I was one of those girls who had always loved the Disney films where the handsome prince comes to rescue the princess I would understand, but it isn't like that at all. I don't even want any conventional, nice guys and that's the problem. It seems like I'm only interested in the ones who can't love me. One of my favourite films is Edward Scissorhands, even though it makes me cry. The end is so sad, when Kim askes him to hold her and he replies, "I can't." It's almost as if it stands for what keeps happening to me- yeah, none of the guys I like have scissors instead of hands, but I reach out for them and they can't be there for me, not in the way I want them to.

I see my friends in couples and I should feel happy that they have someone, and I do, but such a massive part of me just wants to cry because I don't have that. I experienced it for such a short time, and when it went away I wanted it even more because I finally knew what it was like. I want someone to love me- nobody has ever said that they love me (as in 'romantic' love) and meant it. And I find it so unfair that other girls get guys interested in them and mess them around, making them think they want them when they don't. Or the girl has no real personality, or is, to be blunt, thick. I could understnad if they were slutty, but they're not.

What the hell is wrong with me? What's stopping me from finding someone who sticks around, who can fall in love with me? That's all I want, I don't expect forever, just a few moths, a year maybe. I feel like guys either want a pretty girl on their arm who won't say anything, or they don't give me a chance at all. I'm even starting to resent my taste in men, because I'm attracted to fuck-ups. There's no other way to put it- I like rockers, pirates, vampires, and in real life I like the guys who don't fit in with normal society- the long-haired musicians and gamers who listen to metal and grow crap beards, the ones who wear black (trench coats are disturbingly common at my university) and freak out my mother. Thing is, they never want me, at least not in the way I want them to. Sure I want to feel sexy sometimes, it's nice to know that someone thinks you're attractive, but I want to mean more than that to someone. Everyone says to get out and meet more people, but whenever I've been to society things I've only met friends. That's nice, I like making new friends, but it would be nice for a guy who's my type to notice me in 'that' way. I feel a bit guilty now, because last week there were two guys at two different rock nights who were clearly interested- but I don't want to lead someone on if I'm not attracted to them. God, that sounds so shallow, like, "Oh you don't have long hair, you don't headbang, I don't wanna know" but I'm sure it's the same with anyone- your initial reaction is based on physical attraction, then you talk to them. I know plenty of guys who are exactly my type in theory, but I wouldn't even consider them as relationship (or even one-off) material because they don't have that certain something that makes me interested. There's something about the way a guy interacts with his friends that attracts me- however much they insult each other, if I can see that they genuinely care about them I'm sold. And they have to be funny in an intelligent way. Unfortunately, these nice, funny, caring, intelligent rock boys are in very short supply, and the few that aren't taken turn me down by telling me that they're not good enough for me and I should find someone better.

Like who?

How to Fail a Degree

posted on 5/11/2007 8:58:20 AM in (1) Comments

My first year exams start on the 19th May. Today is the 11th and I've done a grand total of about 3 hours revision. I am, in a word, screwed. Tobe honest though, I only need to get 40% in every exam to pass this year, so I don't think I have too much to worry about. As long as I start today that is- and that's something I've been telling myself for about a week.

Unfortunately, when you're living in halls of residence and you have a very fast internet connection (when it actually works) you tend to just piss about instead of working. For example, yesterday afternoon I had every intention of spending at least a couple of hours studying. What actually happened was this:

1:45pm- sign in to MSN and Yahoo for messenger and some half decent music. Get books out and start making notes.
2:40pm- realise that I have been taught mitosis and meiosis for three years in a row now, and if I don't know it by now I never will. Use this as an excuse to stop revising.
2:41pm- go on Facebook, MySpace, Urban Dictionary and Weebl's Stuff to waste time. Get asked by Dan from downstairs if I want to join him and Riley when they jam.
3:30pm- leave for the music room and spend the next two hours listening to two guys play guitar, feeling bad about my own total inability to improvise using anything other than the blues scale.
5:30pm- go and sit with Dan and his girlfriend Em. Join Em in throwing apples at Dan for no reason other than it's mildly amusing to hear him squeak.
6:00pm- dinner.

And that was my afternoon. A grand total of 55 minutes work, half of which was spent looking at what was on the radio and rating it, and talking on MSN. Thing is though, there's so much to distract you at university- your friends are always around to ask you to go and do fun stuff, and then you have endless hours of free (well, price included in hall fees) internet access in which to discover more networking sites and weird videos than you can ever imagine. I can spend hours being entertained by retarded Flash animations about Kenya (they've got lions!) or episodes of Blackadder on TV Links, but I can't even sit down for an hour to do some work.

I should be working now really, but I'm not, I'm typing this and listening to random obscure hair metal bands on the radio. I mean honestly, have YOU ever heard of Ratt? I already had, because I'm a hair metal obsessive, but I'd never heard their music.They're about as shit as you would expect, and yet I like them.

Which brings me onto another topic which I can waste time with. One I can waste entire days with, and be very annoying about. That topic is music. My main time-wasting exercise this week has been rating artists and songs so they play more often on my personalised online radio station. I could have made myself seem cool by rating oscure indie bands, or Jack Johnson, or made myself cool amongst the rock community by only rating things like Master Of Puppets-era Metallica or Led Zeppelin. Oh no, instead I rated the following: Aerosmith, Spinal Tap, Motley Crue, Twisted Sister (just two songs okay? Not a frickin' album or anything...), the aforementioned Ratt, Def Leppard, Bon Jovi and Poison. The only credible band of that entire 80s rock genre is Guns N Roses... although to be fair Aerosmith were cool in the 70s. You would think that if I was going to rate music for the entire world to see it would be good, but no- I choose to listen to crappy pop-metal sung by raspy-voiced pretty-boys with Les Pauls, leather and long blonde hair. Good times!

Anyway, I must go- not to finally get some revision done you understand, just to find some even stupider hair metal to listen to just because the band has a hot one.

Got funk?

posted on 5/9/2007 10:22:22 AM in Weird: (1) Comments

So once again I've been watching The Mighty Boosh late at night, and it's been messing with my head. I've now seen the episode entitled 'The Legend Of Old Gregg four times, only this time I watched it with other people. Those poor unfortunate souls have now been traumatised by Old Gregg's 'mangina'.

Anyway, the subject of today's oddness is funk, or more precisely, 'the funk'. Despite my overwhelming love of the metal (which will get at least one blog entry, probably many) I have to say that the funk is an incredibly important part of music. According to the Boosh, the funk is a blue ball of teats that purrs, and if you drink its milk you become funky. I'm not sure I can cope with that explanation, it does disturb me slightly, but the funk is pretty damn cool. The funk is what makes you want to dance, whatever genre of music you're listening to. It's about the groove, and slap bass, and a damn good beat.

Even rock music can have the funk. Rage Against The Machine got the funk, and they got it bad. They're a strange mixture of metal and rap, which has worked well for them, and then they have these mental bouncy basslines that make you want to throw yourself around like a midget on a trampoline. Fall Out Boy's song 'This Ain't A cene, It's An Arms RAce' has the funk too. I don't know why. It just makes people dance like twats at my local alternative nights (here's my chance to plug the Fez and the Face Bar, woo!).

And then... then there is the marvellous sex funk soup known as the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

I do like the Chillies. They're completely insane. But the main thing about their songs is that all of them have the funk, especially the fast ones. Flea bounces about all over the place, slapping his bass like a good'un- Give It Away has the bounciest bassline I've ever heard, so bouncy in fact that it makes me jump up and down like a loon. Of course as the bassist Flea is the creator of the funk, but he doesn't harness it, oh no. That job is down to one Mr Anthony Kiedis, sex god and funk-master extraordinaire. He likes to get naked (they all do) and he likes the ladies. Only someone with the ability to attract the opposite sex easily can harness the funk.

So yeah, the funk. It's goooooood stuff. Prime examples of the funk include Superstition by Stevie Wonder- thats a 'phat choon' as the cool kids would say. And as much as I hate to say it, some Justin Timberlake songs also have the funk in skiploads. I'm gonna have to stop here I think- I need to funkify my soul with some fine music.

Comin' at ya like a shark with knees

posted on 5/8/2007 7:35:17 PM in Weird: (1) Comments

Well hello there. You appear to have stumbled across my blog, or what is in theory a blog but in reality is a place for me to rant and talk bizarre rubbish in the middle of the night. Anyway, I suppose I should introduce myself. I'm Gemma (aka Gem or Gemface), I'm 19 and I'm studying Animal Science at Reading University. Yes, that is a real degree, it's for people who weren't smart/crazy enough to get into vet school. Well, I say that, I had the brains but not the motivation, especially after I found out that vets have the highest rate of suicide of any profession in the UK. Moving on...

I have dyed hair (could be any colour by the time you read this to be honest, but most likely still dark brown) and blue eyes, and I wear a lot of eyeliner and black clothes. Feel free to label me with some sort of misfit tag if you like, it doesn't bother me either way as I've heard it all before. Doesn't really help that I'm quite strange- I like vampire novels, surreal comedy and Tim Burton films. I play guitar (badly) and listen to all different kids of music, although my favourite music is rock and metal. I'm currently single, which is NOT a hint for any crazy-types out there. I'll only put up with crazy if you're about 20, tall and skinny with long hair and a warped sense of humour. Oh and I'm pretty damn grumpy, so even then, I might just stomp off in a huff.

So. This is it. The blog. I really don't know why I signed up to this, other than I get bored and frustrated very easily and all my real friends are in bed asleep when I'm at my most weird. I do apologise if I cause any offence to anyone reading this, or I seem like I need a good slap to make me come to my senses, but to be fair, if you don't like it you don't have to read it. The majority of this space will be taken up with rants about the many stupid people I have come across in my life and the many men I miss out on because of my (and their) inept social skills, or weird stream-of-consciousness ramblings.

I'll start with something that was discussed with a friend online last night. She sent me a penguin as a gift on Facebook, so I sent her a panda. She liked the panda because it was fat, at which point we started to talk about how it's only good that a panda is fat if it's not sitting on you, which doesn't happen very often... or does it? For all we know, pandas could be sitting on people al the time and it's just being covered up, like those poor people are being covered by some panda's arse cheeks. I mean, what if they're trying to take over the world? They're not very good at breeding so there's no way they could overwhelm us with sheer numbers. No, the only solution in the twisted minds of the pandas is to sit on us, to wipe us out one by one. Sure, it'll take a long time, but there's just enough baby pandas being born (about one a century...) to keep things going. So yeah, anyway, they sit on us and squish us, one by one, and they'll keep going until there's nobody left, or we give up, whichever happens first. And when there are so few of us that they can be open about their evil plan, there is only one possible outcome- named by me after watching episodes of Invader Zim and The Mighty Boosh- and that is PANDAGEDDON! Weebl's Stuff has spoken- Bognor Regis is the only place safe from the pandas. You probably don't believe me, but just you wait until you get home and there's a panda in your chair, just waiting for you, smoking a cigar.

Actually, that's a lie, the pandas probably aren't plotting our demise as revenge for us constantly trying to make them shag in public. Probably. However, for those of you who are mental enough to want to know what the hell I've been going on about, I suggest you watch Invader Zim- Hamstergeddon, The Mighty Boosh- Nanageddon and Cucumbers on www.weebls-stuff.com. Might mess with your head a bit, but it can't be any worse than what you've just read. For anyone reading this who doesn't already know me personally: I am so, so sorry that it had to start this way. I'm not on drugs, I promise... if I was, I might be less worried about where all this bollocks comes from.

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