Ahh crap

What's become of me lately? I've lost myself and what little life I had. Everything I'd spent a year workig on is gone I've undone it all and for what, my mother was the one who told me to quit every job I'd gotten, and I listened following the empty promises that she would support me, now all I have is a home, cigrarettes, and bills I cannot pay that she wont. I have no spending money, no drugs, no boyfriend, no apartment, no life. With my books I am left to face my tattered reality and lost hope of ever getting any of it back in the sorry state I am in. I am tired of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself but for the time being there's virtually nothing I can do as my brother is trying to train me for a job that should repair everything, but its moving too slow and even if I were to get the job tomorrow the money that will repair the stress wont be here for a while. The only thing that I've done in the last month is feel sorry for myself and taken the one night that would have been a good night and nearly killed myself and my best friend. We thought that by buying beer that it would be a better choice to the drugs but we were sadly mistaken as all it cause was for us to drink the strongest beer we could as fast as we could and go to the bar to make a spectical of ourselves at the concert getting drunker there and coming back to her house to puke uncontrollably. We faught the guy that was trying to take care of us in our drunken state, me by laying on my back and laughing whenever he came into the room finding me choking on my own puke and then leaving her alone in the bathroom only to come back and find her passed out on her back in a bathtub that was filling with water almost causing her to drown. I left her and she almost died, I almost killed my best friend, my only friend. I'm pathetic and only growing worse. Someone save me from myself. (0) Comments

Posted: 2/28/2007 8:25:25 PM

prison rape

if ur bored of the internet and need somewhere to go to fullfill ur online desires go to www.geocities.com/honkey_cat8/index (0) Comments

Posted: 2/13/2007 3:14:29 PM

Heads Up

I've got no guarentee as to the next time any real update to my blog will be, a lot is going on right now. Everything in my life has changed in a matter of three months, three months ago i was a bum living on my parents couch and going out and getting high every night and experimenting with other shit, a bad trip made me reolise i needed a job, so i called the employment center to get my resume updated, and they put me in a three month program i just completed that made me a whack of friends, a stronger person and gave me a job and now i've moved in with some people from that program, so needless to say i wont have net for a little while, but when i get a chance to i'll post some more shit up on here. (1) Comments

Posted: 9/12/2006 5:42:58 PM

The Quit

Today I took a step out of my body to watch my daily events. I needed a good laugh. Dying a little more inside I watched as I got on the 6 am bus to be at work for 8. I walked in the doors one cigarette down in a time i would normally have had four, "It's time to quit," I told myself for about the tenth time this week. In the last three days, I had smoked exactly half of my standard daily intake. The rest of my day melted away to physical labour and menial task work. Clouds of ink and cellular accessories allowed me to slowly slip away into the vast field of insanity. Amused and baffled I watched my sanity slip away a little more with each second. I laughed evilly as I stood ready to cry one moment and then ready to kill the next. i hadn't seen myself crack out like this since the day I ate nothing but drank 13 cups of coffee and six energy drinks. Somewhere in my blatent stupidity I had decided to quit smoking and drinking energy drinks at the same time. I'd smack myself but I find it highly entertaining to watch myself drive those around me crazy. Cheers. (1) Comments

Posted: 8/10/2006 9:09:54 PM

Why?

This is an older entry about the same thing as the last one. Why am I doing this to myself? Once more I’m freaking over the same thing and the situation hasn’t changed any, except the addition of another person to the circle. Well if you could call it a circle, its more like an outsider looking in on no longer one but two people. And it kills; it’s a blow unlike any I’ve eve known. How can something so insignificant shatter me so deeply? Yearning and aching for something I have never, can never, and will never have. I want to scream and yell but I can barely utter a sound. All I can do is drink away the sorrow, try to keep my mind off it even though that never works. I thought the drama was over in my life, now I’m just creating it for myself. But its unfair, I never chose to feel this way. To cringe at the thought of it, to lay awake at night fearing sleep because he haunts my dreams. But it happened. I do feel this way, and this is what it is doing for me. What can I do about it? Nothing more than what I’ve been doing, ignoring it on the days when it’s minimal, and on the nights it’s all I think about drink it away, smoke it away, and do whatever it takes to get rid of it. Treat it like a pestering rodent that must be exterminated. Nevertheless how can I control something like that, to be able to just turn off emotions and shut it out of my life? The worst thing in this all is that I have to keep it silent. A few people know some details, some more than others, but the bulk of the load is carried by me alone, and I am unable to share it. What would they think of me if they knew the truth, what would I think of myself if I shared this with anyone? I’m not an open person so it’s difficult. When it comes to things like this I’m the most closed off person you would meet. And now it’s getting worse before it gets better. Alone I’m festering in this obsession, and it scares me. Am I as creepy as the men I seek out? Could that be the reason I am attracted to them? (0) Comments

Posted: 8/9/2006 11:29:42 PM

Just Kill Me Now

If I could think of the words to say I would say them. If I could bring up the words to cry I'd unleash them for the world to see. But for the time being you've blocked them both. You've put me in a place where both leaves me paralize to everything. I can't function anymore. Reality is my only crutch, although I'm rarely here. Even in the most crucial moments I'm off somewhere in the depths of my subconcious. Clinging to useless thoughts I'm lost. The things that are affecting me are the ones that don't even matter. It's just the thing I have no control over. Like you. (0) Comments

Posted: 8/7/2006 11:07:27 PM

Imaginary

Shallow breaths diving deep Stabbing like needles on every turn Holding back moments of desperation Quietly slipping away Reality cushions something worse I fear that’s where I’m going An imaginary world Only obtainable through forbidden tasks A place that gives into fantasy Where movement is bliss Each thought and movement is Another taste of heaven An addicting paradise A place I go too often My secret addiction A world founded on apathy Darkness lulls me into a peaceful sleep Waking up back in reality For one more day (0) Comments

Posted: 7/20/2006 7:47:50 PM

Gay old time at the bar

Just got back from a gay old time at the bar. Entertaing, tonight the ladies loved me, two chicks grabbed my ass and one even blatently hit on me. Oh yes and my cousin showed up and bought me shooters. Still pretty drunk right now but who gives a fuck, tonight was the first night i actually managed to go out and party and my intense mind didnt wrap itself up in the everyday drama its envelopes itself in. Standardly it runs away on me and makes me think about every aspect of my life and the future i have yet to plan, mostly because i still have no clue as to what to do. But who cares, I'm 19 my brothers were both 20 before they got real jobs and picked a career for themselves, but who cares i'm hoping to have it all figured out by the end of the year, i hope. lol. Been thinking about writing lately, i don't know why something that was once my passion and came like a second skin is now rejecting me and refusing to flow through the movement of my hand or key board thus releasing a ficticious uphoria. I probably spelt that wrong but oh well. What is the spelling police going to come after me, really scared here people. lol. Well I'm off to catch the sun, or go to bed whichever comes first. (0) Comments

Posted: 6/4/2006 5:36:41 AM