Special

I'm living without you I know all about you I have run you down into the ground Spread disease about you over town I used to adore you I couldn't control you There was nothing that I wouldn't do To keep myself around and close to you Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special I thought you should know But I've run out of patience I couldn't care less I... I... Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special I thought you should know I used to amuse you I knew that I'd lose you Now you're here and begging for a chance But there's no way in hell I'd take you back Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special I thought you should know But I've run out of patience I've run out of comments I'm tired of the violence I couldn't care less (0) Comments

Posted: 12/14/2007 7:12:55 PM

Stupid

I don't know what to say. My heart hurts. It just hurts. I feel stupid. Really stupid. And a little used. (2) Comments

Posted: 12/14/2007 5:48:52 PM

After I don't love them

"From now on I'm only going to say I love you to guys after I don't love them anymore because, y'know, it goes so much better." AMEN (0) Comments

Posted: 12/13/2007 9:33:14 PM

Teardrops

(1) Comments

Posted: 12/12/2007 7:30:53 PM

Missing

We talked today, like we used to. I've missed him so much. It was wonderful. My heart feels warm and full. It hasn't felt this warm and full.... since.... we used to talk like this. (0) Comments

Posted: 12/11/2007 8:03:18 PM

Don't wanna

I don't want to go to work today. I am emotionally maxed out for work. My brain needs a rest. I am feeling much better physically. I am no longer feverish and I can breathe. I am no longer coughing up a lung. But, I have this terrible sore under my nose, my eyes hurt and I have a rash starting on my stomach. I visited with a counselor yesterday, trying to deal with the stress. She got on my case and asked how sick do I have to get before I start listening to my body. I'm going to the doctor today. I'm also going to work, even though I don't want to be there. (2) Comments

Posted: 12/11/2007 10:42:18 AM

Addicted

I watched Waitress tonight. Great movie. A line she said hit me strongly: "I began the most intimate converation of my life.....and then I was addicted. I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone." I know how she feels. And how painful it is for the withdrawal from that addiction. (0) Comments

Posted: 12/11/2007 12:23:26 AM

A kiss on the nose

(0) Comments

Posted: 12/10/2007 7:12:19 PM

Reverberations

I'm staying home from work today. The congestion is better and I'm not coughing as much, but from all the tearing my eyes have been doing - I started developing sties. And from all the nose wiping I've been doing - I've started a little sore under my nose. I went to the dog park today and people kept wiping below their nose as they saw me - and I have to say - no, it's a sore. I don't want to have to explain it all day at work, so I'm staying home. All last spring, from about February on - the stress of working with the former accountant, and then the IT guy - I felt like I constantly needed to vomit. It was a horrible sensation - daily - until the accountant went on home assignment in July. And all the other stress from the investigation, etc.- I've had constant upper respiratory problems since August. The only relief I've had is when I left town for vacation or at a conference. Otherwise - I've been sick the whole time, which included cold sores - and I never get cold sores. The stress of my job is killing me. Not so much the day by day stuff - which I love. Not so much my current employees - all of which I sincerely like and respect. It is the stress from all the sabotage, games, petty politics from the former accountant and the reverberationst that have gone on from her allegations and games. I really need a way to recover from this - fully. I want to be strong and healthy. I need to take care of myself. (2) Comments

Posted: 12/10/2007 2:01:15 PM

Sleep

I've slept almost all day. Except for two hot baths, and a short excursion to my daughter's work so Emma and Ubu could get a photo with Santa - I've been in bed all day. I watched most of Oceans 13. I sleep through so many movies now, it is sad. I bet I will sleep all night tonight as well.... my body has just been needing the rest. We'll see if I go to work tomorrow. (2) Comments

Posted: 12/9/2007 8:46:33 PM

In the sick bed

Alright. I've been sick all week. I worked all week - and due to the beautiful sunshine yesterday - I went out and played. Today - I'm in the sick bed. I feel miserable. I am a dehydrated, feverish mucus-producing fiend. I think I will be sucking fruit bars to soothe my throat and watching Oceans 13 today.... (2) Comments

Posted: 12/9/2007 11:22:39 AM

No day to spend in a sickbed or cleaning house

It was sunny today - a rare sight during a Northwest Winter. Despite the messy house and nasty cold - (cough, cough) - Emma and I hit the road for adventure. We went north to Mount Vernon, which is where all the tulips and tulip bulbs are grown. Then we took the road over to Fidalgo Island and across the bridge at Deception Pass. We had a picnic at Deception Pass State Park beach. Ubu played in the water, Emma and I walked on the driftwood like balancing beams, and we all collected rocks on the shore. Whidbey Island is beautiful. There are the tall pine trees, sure, but then there is the wide open farmland. We took the ferry across the Sound from Whidbey Island to Mulkiteo. It was a beautiful day. The Cascade and Olympic Mountains were sharp on the horizon. Both Baker and Rainier Mountains were like freshly frosted cupcakes. The skies were blue. Yes, this was no day to spend in a sickbed or cleaning house. (0) Comments

Posted: 12/8/2007 7:05:49 PM

Pretending to watch a movie

I'm pretending to watch a movie, two movies actually. The first: Bailey's Billions and the second: Huffalump. Emma and I are home together. I'm too sick to do much more than hang on the couch and play with the computer. She's cuddled up to me watching teh movie. I'm so bored, bored, bored. I'm dying for conversation. I'm dying for a chat. Oh, please, someone, save me from boredom. (4) Comments

Posted: 12/7/2007 8:00:27 PM

Whine

I whine when I'm sick. I have to be really sick, mind you. The kind of sickness that a rational person would stay in bed and rest. But, do I stay in bed? No. I will go to work. I will get dizzy from exhaustion. I will be coughing up lungs. I will start to shake. I have four meetings today - all important for planning issues in January. I must be there for all the meetings. I should be lying in bed - not reading or playing on line - but simply sleeping; waking only to consume something made from citrus filled with vitamin C to strengthen my immune system or chicken broth to calm the mucus lining of my nose or maybe a bit of soda or a popsicle to soothe my throat. Instead, I will dress for the office, try to work, and whine. I really need a mom that tells me "no, stay in bed." (3) Comments

Posted: 12/7/2007 10:58:51 AM

Surfing

Ubu and I did our daily walk down to the lake today. There is this nasty green algae on the shore that is starting to break down into the oily residue. While visiting with another dog mom, huge waves started crashing into shore - at least 3 feet tall - we had to run to avoid the water coming in, nearly 15 feet or more. A large yacht had passed by earlier, far out in the lake, and waves were a result, long after the yacht was gone. Ubu surfed the five or so minutes the waves were crashing. And much of the algae was washed away. (1) Comments

Posted: 12/6/2007 10:18:04 AM

Deck the Halls

The tree is trimmed. Emma, hubby and I got the tree tonight. We put it in the middle of the living room first so we could dance around the tree like Emma wanted. She made up a song. I lead us in O Tannenbaum, with a chorus that went "na, na, na, na, na". Her daddy made up a silly song that made her laugh. It has red lights, white bows, glass icicles and snowflakes, muslin angels, nutcrackers and few ornaments earned over the years. Her daddy held her up to place the golden angel on top. Emma is happy. She has already laid under the tree to gaze up at the lights. The house smells like pine. (3) Comments

Posted: 12/5/2007 10:08:02 PM

My theme song

My daughter downloaded several songs on my iPod for me. She knows I like Moby and downloaded a full album of his. While traveling on a plane I listened to the entire album and found this song. I call it my theme song. If there is soundtrack playing in the background of my life: This is it. (Thank you, Moby) Do you have a theme song? Please share. (4) Comments

Posted: 12/5/2007 12:20:19 AM

Nothing brilliant like Gary

I'm depressed. I wish I could write about it in an artful and funny way like Gary does, but I can't. Some days I do better than others, but I'm not sleeping as well as I should; I'm not focusing as well as I should; I'm not keeping my house as clean as i should. When I get home I am exhuasted - emotionally - and want to lie down in bed. I don't think most people notice. I smile and move forward. I'm really angry about what has happened over the last few months; and I'm frustrated about it. Thing is work is good - except for my boss and how I've been treated over the last sevearl months. My employees are amazing; the work environment is dynamic and positive; we're making constant we're making constant improvement. Things are so much better at home as well. My husband sees me, is kind to me. I don't konw what the future holds, as he is still looking for work out of state and I don't see how our marriage in its still weakened state will survive living apart. I know I can beat this. I know I can. (1) Comments

Posted: 12/4/2007 11:15:56 PM

Our little Roslyn

When I was known as someone else on here, I mentioned that Newblog reminded me of my favorite television show: Northern Exposure. Yesterday I stumbled onto a rerun - and I remembered how much I love this show. It was on in the 1990s, was set in Alaska (filmed less than a 100 miles from here), and featured an eclectic set of characters. One of the things I loved about Northern Exposure is that no matter who someone was, no matter their life experience, their education, their IQ, or idiosyncrasies - everyone had something to contribute. It was a lovely reminder that we can make certain judgments that get cast away as we get to know one another on a human level. I feel that way about Newblog. We are all so different - yet we have a real close-knit community here that honestly care about one another. Seeing the Top Girl/Top Guy posts - it hits me even more strongly. We really love each other here. I'm grateful I've found my friends here. Thank you for being so wonderful and real. (3) Comments

Posted: 12/3/2007 11:03:34 AM

Choose

I went for a long time without being able to sleep at night because of worry. I will worry no more. I have a good life. I've been blessed with great kids, good friends, and fine family. I am sick of threats and threatening behavior. And now, I'm starting to see - those who behave that way are cowards, they are afraid. Maybe they should be afraid. I am far from perfect. I hope that I am learning to be a better person each day. I work hard. I will no longer be ashamed. I choose to be happy. (2) Comments

Posted: 12/2/2007 8:10:35 PM

Snowing

It's snowing! It's not supposed to snow here, I was told. I believe that must be a lie - because in the little over 2 years I've been here it has snowed several times. Problem is: When it snows the entire city stops. My work is only a mile or so away from my home. But because I have to go down a hill and up a hill either way - that small bit of traffic becomes impossible - on foot, in car, on bus. Everything FREEZES. It becomes slick with ice. And we become stuck. Itty bitty snowflakes - and I'm wondering - do we have enough food? Are we okay until it melts.... (0) Comments

Posted: 12/1/2007 3:47:53 PM

Top Guy (Is that like Top Gun?)

1.Who is it? – Gary 2. How did you meet them? - NewBlog 3. If you were crying would this person cheer you up? – He already has a few times. 4. Where is this person? – Missouri 5. Have you ever spent the night with this person? - Not in person. 6. Will this person repost this? – Probably not 7. Is this person family? - No 8. If you could change something about them, would you? – He'd be a published author and his kid would be at his house anytime the two of them wanted to be together. 9. Does this person live close to you? – I'm guessing it is about 6 hours on a plane (no direct flights) then a couple hour drive. But he'd be worth it. 10. How much does this person know about you? – Too much. 11. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with this person? – If I wasn't married, I'd make out with him. 12. Do you argue with this person? – I think I actually have argued with him, but he's not easy to argue with. He wouldn't argue with me. 13. If you guys went to jail together, what would it be for? – Indecent exposure. 14.Have you ever hugged this person? – Virtually, often. 15. Do you want to see this person right now? – Yes! 16. When will you next talk to this person? – Not sure. 17. Is this person nice to you? - Always 18.Why is this person first? – Because he's always there to be my friend when I come back. (2) Comments

Posted: 12/1/2007 10:03:05 AM

Waking hours

My husband has been working evenings for a few months now. He'll get home around 11 p.m. or midnight. Because I wake early (between 5:30 and 6 a.m.), I'm usually in bed before 10 p.m. Around 3 a.m., though, we both wake up. It seems that we are freshest at that hour. We'll talk freely - unlike how we usually do - with no interruptions or distractions. As we go back to sleep, I find that he is reaching out to me. A hand on my hip, or my shoulder. And I sleep better. We have a long ways to go to make our marriage strong and stable, but I am encouraged by these tender moments. He's still looking for work out of town. I don't see how our marriage would survive if we lived apart. We'll see what the future holds. (1) Comments

Posted: 11/30/2007 11:07:39 PM

Where oh where did Charity go?

I'm trying to have charity in my heart. It isn't always easy. Over the last several months I've been enduring some difficult and horrible situations at work. I had two former employees - ones who did not do their basic job duties and actively tried to sabotage the business - make allegations that I was downloading porn. An investigation was done - no porn was found. But, even so - I've been treated terribly. The one employee - the accountant I've talked about so often here - threatened me repeatedly and displayed all the behavior that the corporation stated would be considered dangerous. Because she was union - and they feared a lawsuit - I was forced to endure a situation even though I repeatedly stated I was afraid, intimidated, etc. When I told the corporation that I feared her return, I was told that they considered it a minimal risk and a personal issue and that they could do nothing to prevent her from coming into our office and would not respond unless she committed a crime. I got a restraining order - 3 years, 500 yards. In addition, with the investigation - because the corporation is a public institution - distinctly personal information about my life and my family has been released as public records and are available to this person whom I have a restraining order against. This personal information is not considered public record under the law - but because of poor management in the internal auditors office - it was released. I tried to express these greivances to my boss. I was yelled at, insulted, and was told that I cannot communicate and take no ownership for my problems. I held my tongue. I tried hard to keep it my feelings and focus on real events. I made no accusations. I returned with no insults. I wish I could find more charity though, because I am having a hard time thinking well of my boss at this time. I want to have a good working relationship and focus on the positive. But, I feel at this time that If I express my dissatisfaction again - I think I will just have a lawyer speak for me instead. (2) Comments

Posted: 11/30/2007 12:45:36 PM

Cloak and Dagger

I had lunch with a friend. For the last year he has told me that I am very "cloak and dagger". I never knew what he meant. Today he kind of explained it. He said I'm a like a book and I throw open the pages and say, "look how open I am". But the next few pages are glued together and no one can exactly see what is there. I choose what I show, he said. It was painful to be pinned so well. Kind of delightful, too. He said he has some theories about why I am the way I am. So do I. (1) Comments

Posted: 11/29/2007 9:00:11 PM

The Name

I moved to Castle Valley when I was 10 years old. There were only a few families then, maybe 5 or 6. We lived about 45 minutes from town - which was accessible only by driving along an often dangerous two-lane road that followed the curves of the Colorado River. All the roads were dirt, or mud depending upon the season and weather. My dad paid for 500 yards of electrical lines and poles so we could have electricity on our property. My dad built our cinderblock basement for us to live in while he built the rest of the house. We kept warm with a wood stove, had no telephones for 3 years, and no television the entire time I lived there. We were broke. My dad had to return to California to work, leaving my sisters, mom and I to fend alone. My mom had a nervous breakdown, and went to California with my dad. I was 11. My sisters were 18 and 23. They were supposed to take care of me, but didn't very well. There was no insulation in the basement and we had a record cold winter. It snowed in November, didn't melt until March and the drifts got as deep as 5 feet. The thermometer often registered 20 below when I'd walk to the bus stop. I had no winter coat or gloves and would wear several layers of clothing to stay warm, and socks on my hands. The boys from Seventh Day Adventist academy brought us wood. The men from our church (LDS) put in insultation, then put up plastic sheeting to keep the heat in the living quarters of the basement. It was too cold to bathe everyday. I was in junior high. I got teased a lot. I didn't realize it, but I was being called "Castle Valley Gold" by the boys at school. I'm not quite sure why: For being poor, for having big boobs, who knows. When I got into high school my seminary teacher (mormons go to one hour of religious study a day during the school day) told me that the boys called me Castle Valley Gold because I had a bad reputation. I didn't do anything: didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't do drugs, was a virigin - but I was built - so I guess reputation was built more on the bad thoughts people have when they look at you rather than what you actually do. The same seminary teacher lectured me about how I was powerful and could lead people to do evil like Jezebel (had me read about her in the Bible). I see now it was because he was thinking lustful thoughts when he looked at me, and less because what I was doing - but when you're an impressionable 15 year old girl it's easy to think it is all your own fault. One of my girlfriends called me Castle Valley Gold after my seminary teacher told me this. I felt ashamed; and told her what he said. She was shocked - and said she thought it was because I was beautiful and talented. So - who knows the origin of the name? I don't for sure. But, I choose to believe that the rigors of Castle Valley refined me. It made me strong, resourceful, and persistent. I choose to believe that I am gold - beautiful and valuable. (1) Comments

Posted: 11/26/2007 12:23:12 PM

A home

I had a vision the other day of living in a little house in the middle of nowhere. My kitchen smelled like onions, soup and cumin from the soup in the crock pot. Dough for rolls was rising on the counter. I stepped outside to see billowing white clouds building in clear blue skies, the wind cool on my face. There was work, as usual, but my body was strong and healthy. And there, smiling at me, was a face full of love. I felt beautiful in his gaze. I felt confident in our ability to work together. To build a home. (3) Comments

Posted: 11/26/2007 11:40:49 AM

Grateful

At our Thanksgiving meal we each shared what we are thankful for. My answer: My beautiful, healthy, happy talented children. This past week has been a rewarding one. I got to see my 17 year old daughter star in the high school play on Saturday. On Tuesday I got to see my 15 year old son pin his wrestling opponent in the first round. This Saturday I got to watch my 19 year old son play in a college football game. I've been having a blast traveling with my five year old who is a happy bird - singing, laughing, telling jokes. And my 21 year old is kind and sweet and works so hard. I am grateful. They are good and kind and loving to me. I would choose them to be in my life even if they weren't my children. (0) Comments

Posted: 11/25/2007 9:39:03 PM