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Finding pain is easy....when you've given into sin
Bigcatdaddy
Finding pain is easy....when you've given into sin
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Explanations are lies being told Tracks covered in fluorescent paint
Age: Not provided.

Gender: M

Location: Slap dab in the middle


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November, 2008
September, 2008
August, 2008
July, 2008
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February, 2007
January, 2007
December, 2006
November, 2006
October, 2006
September, 2006
August, 2006

Creepin

The pain comes creepin' round
To kick me
Just when I'm feelin' down

The pain knows when I'm weak
knows when
I'm down on my knees

It knows when I'm broken, bent and blue
The flashbacks come
Filled memories with you

Five percent of us
of you, and of me
Is it enough; its something I'm not sure of

I don't know anymore
I'm so confused
About a love that once was so much more

The numbing of my heart
I'm drinking again
its not me; but its a sad, sad start

I'm not so sure
how long
I can cry over you and the love I once knew

But tonight I do
now I do
Cry over you. I'm crying over the loss of you.


Prelude to unrest

The pre-dawn silence
Serves as an empty diary to my pain

My mind races to fill the pages
Thoughts I can’t restrain

Do I have the courage
To turn or stay the course

Away from broken trust
Or set myself up for more

To love you have to trust
I’m not so sure that I can

The things I’ve come to know
Make it hard to understand

Trapped by blankets of memories
No escape from grief’s aim

Explanations are lies untold
Tracks covered in florescent paint


Times of despair

Breathing does not come easy
With the weight of my world pressing down
Feelings of isolation
In a flood of emotions I drown

Reality's presence is felt not seen
Feelings I cannot escape
Reminders blossom in poisonous glory
Send me clawing at the skin of fate

Distance
Elusiveness
History

The mix of reality
Bears no fortune for me
Clinging to falsehoods
Even the blind can see

Doubt is a promiscuous thing
It breeds in damaged hearts
Enveloping any hope
Extinguishing love's sparks


Which is it?

Is cowardness tied into the ability to turn from love to miss the pain?
Or, is desperation the act of facing the love and absorbing the pain...each and every day.

I wish I knew.


Lines of broken trust

TRUST

like graffiti scribed on the canvas of my heart
Trust was branded from the start
That brand was shattered into a hundred pieces
the puzzle put back in place, but the lines are still there
no more will it be perfect and smooth and contoured and neat
no more will it be totally complete

every delay, every hint of something awry
picks at a jagged edge









Gloom and doom yada, yada, yada

I'm doomed to fail at my latest endeavor
I cannot help but sabotage myself I'm sure

I do that all the time...
I want things to go well, but succumb to failure

things pardoned relived
things seen not forgotten
things read, seered into memory

I cling to fading hope
Shadows grow longer by the day

There's no room for me in her life
I know it, I just don't think she does



I'm happy

For the first time, in a long time
I'm happy.



it scares me.


Red eye morning

It's a red eye morning
Blue, sad and dark


Disoriented by mixed emotions
The tainting of love's spark

It's hard to know right and wrong
A lie from what is true


Regardless of the your perspective
The pain is nothing new

I've lost the greatest love of my life
Lost a long time friend as well

Stuck here in the moment
Caged in private hell

The pendulum's swing is massive
From point A to where we are

My heart bears the marking
Of a newly added scar

Cracked once before by another
Reopened again by you

All the love that I had give
Again it wouldn't do



My broken heart

My broken heart feels
The pain of loving you


My broken heart knows
Of a love that was untrue

My broken heart aches
More and more each day


My broken heart bears
The scars of that fateful day

My broken heart seeks
A final remedy

My broken heart cries
Alone inside of me


Relief in the dark

Relief lays three but feet away
As I lay here in the dark

Breaking hearts but easing mine
Offering both a finish and a start

I'm drawn to the relief
While dreading its affect

Suffering from offering love
To one who did reject

Serving as a beginning and end
Tears and peace both serve

I'm tired and weary of my life
Wishing I had the nerve

Embarrassed by my foolishness
Trading peace for a moment in the sun

Contemplating a selfish act
And reaching for my gun

Relief is but a moment away
As I lay here in the dark


It just happened

It just happened
An easy excuse to make

A matter of convenience
A destiny none can escape

I feel I supported you
I've looked for what I did do

I believed in the words you told me
Then you told them to another too

I feel so completely foolish
I don't want to feel sad

Why can't I explode?
Why am I not mad?

It's strange that tears haven't fallen
I really don't know why

Not a one has been shed
Yet all I want is to cry

The only thing I feel is pain
It overshadows all

Hurt so overwhelming
I beckon the hammer's fall


I thought I knew you

I thought I knew you
What did I really know?

I thought I could trust you
How could I have known

I believed in us
How silly of me to think



Secret solitue

Trapped by cage of secret solitude
I'm drowning from tears that won't flow

Barbs of reality anchor in my heart
Pinning love's price on my soul

I wish I had someone to talk to
Someone to ease my pain

Holding my sorrow closely
Long for a peace I can't regain


Another lonely day

I'm drowning in tears that won't flow
Weighed down the sorrow of knowledge

I struggle to cope with the reality
In discovery of love's broken pledge

The pain consumes my all
No respite and no reprieve

For loving and trusting another
Who needed more than me

My love falls short yet again
The price of sin comes due

Can I overcome the pain
If I walk away from you

Sin collects its toll
Leaves me reeling in its wake

Wanting just to die
Leaving my soul to take


Enough just wasn’t enough

All the love I could give just wasn’t enough for you

I thought of that line while working today.
Doing busywork to occupy my time

The more I thought of it
The more it gave me peace of mind

The honesty of it rings so true
My love simply wouldn’t do

There’s peace in knowing I gave it my all
My love I shared with you

In the book of our life together
The chapter is nearly two decades long

The final verse ended abruptly
But we’ll both still carry on

We each had a life before
We’ll each have one after too

But I’ll always wish the love I gave
Would have been enough for you.


Grieving in silence

A broken heart it hides
In my adulterer's chest

Beating off tempo under the strain of enlightenment

The veils of trust shattered
By innocent curiosity

Deserving am I? Yes. Spared am I? No.

No solace to be had
For a love wrong from the start

Sympathetic ears will never hear my tears

No one will weep for me
For the pain that I feel

My journey here has not been one taken blindly

I mistakenly trusted
One perhaps like I

And she broke my heart like only I could let her


Long night averted

Drugs defer the pain inevitable
They dull my senses for now

I’ve not shed a tear on the outside
But cried a river within

I can’t cry. Because the tears can’t be explained
My insides crumble within my hardened fascade

Flashbacks fill my head
From a time long ago

The situation eerily similar
But more at stake back then

The heart knows no difference
It only knows there’s pain

Pain is pain it only knows to hurt
Trusting makes the heart a big target

I exposed my heart to you
And was wounded once again


This addiction

This addiction

I’m addicted to the abuse
Over and over again I submit

Each line stabs me deeper
Adding to my well-scared heart

Familiar phrases cut deep
When once they brought joy

Words carve out my epitaph
Here lies the biggest fool yet

I offered my heart on the block
And met reality’s cold steel


The hammers' fall

The inspiration falls silent
As summer days grow long

Distance greater yet to become
An obstacle of greed brings shame

Hope, prosperity and freedom
Will they include a barnacle such as I?

Or am I destined to be shed
Like water from Molly's coat

In riddled prose consumed
Rest not for racing mind

Lost in apprehentioned gaze
awaiting the hammers' fall

Deservedly so I concur
Heavily burdened to be sure



Poetry: A never to take journey

A never to take journey
Traversed only in my mind
Of you and me together
What adventures we would find

Roaming the world
Love and laughter in tow
Sleeping beneath the stars
The heavens would be our show

Sharing sunrises and sunsets
Huddled by your side
Lost in the isolation
A love no more to hide

Mountain streams and lakes
Ours alone to share
Going when we want
And wherever we may dare

See the sunrise in Maine
Then watch it set in Kauai
Hop the borders we know
And visit the other side

Walking the Black Forrest
Kissing at the Pyramids base
Dancing a jig in Dublin
The smile on your face

This journey is just a dream
One that won’t come true
It makes me happy just knowing
That you share this dream too


Poetry: Deliverance

Cold steel bars of reality
Block my window of hope
In a southern comfort haze
I struggle daily just to cope

Life without you near
Is becoming too routine
I live a silent dazed existence
In secret seclusion I scream

Throughout the night I awaken
Dawning thoughts always of you
The warmth of your memory
Serve as a pathway to feeling blue

You are never here
And I’m never there
My confidence stripped away
My soul is made bare

I grow more weary with each dawn
The sun is no longer my friend
I struggle just to start the day
Becoming eager to find an end

Perhaps I should walk away
Devise a departure plan
Escape from the walls I’ve built
Do I really think I can?

In a painted corner I sit
For my sins I must atone
Trapped in the reality
Of my future all alone

Selfish thoughts are many
Solutions I could try
All would hurt others
But allow my tears to dry

Let the hammer drop
And free me from this place
My pain left for others
And complete my fall from grace


Poetry: Music of home

Sweet harmony rings out
As the pick brushes the strings
The echoes of the mountain
Reverberate and as they ring

Melodic sounds fill the room
Wave after resounding wave
It reminds me of the hills I love
And the land for which I rave

Hauntingly simple
And elegantly true
Notes ring out loud
Their voice fills the room

Call it folk, celtic or bluegrass
The dulcimer rings clear
Providing the sounds of home
In a voice that I hold dear

As my hand strums the strings
The mountains rise and sing
It echoes through the hollers
Oh the joy they bring

No matter where I am
Or the distance that I roam
I shut my eyes and listen
And the sound takes me home


Poetry: Do you?

Do you feel the pain I feel
Deep within your heart
Is the aching constant
Whenever we’re apart

Do you feel like crying
When a day goes by
If you cannot see me
Is the day one big sigh

Are you lost without me
Do you reach out in the night
Does the loneliness begin
When I pull from your sight

I hope for your sake
That it’s not the same
While I hope you miss me
But I never wish you pain


Poetry: Poet's pen

It’s always in the night
When lonely justice claims its fare
I toss and turn a sinner’s rest
Lost without you there

Reality is so hard to bear
When the outcome is not desired
The prospect of my future
Leaves my soul tangled and mired

I cultivate my own despair
Nurturing it from the seed
I preen and pamper its growth
Harvest the torment at full speed

Crying doesn’t ease the pain
Memories rise now and then
Unspoken secrets of solitude
Serve to fill my poet’s pen


Poetry: Loneliness won't leave me alone

A fog of funk envelopes me
Like quicksand drawing down
There’s no way to escape
In a guilty pool of desire I drown

Coping with the separation
Strains heavy on my heart
Fate acts as a cruel barricade
Determined to keep us apart

Deeper and darker I sink
Surrender enters my mind
Succumbing to the reality
How can I be so blind?

Loneliness won’t leave me alone
It presses down on my chest
Depression clings tight
I know what solution is best

Bad deeds and good intentions
Leave my conscience to dwell
Love is a double edged sword
Cutting memories we can never tell

The embellishment of hope
Whittled to a splinter
Cast in secret seclusion
A relationship we dared to enter


Poetry: Sober reality

Forever ago it seems its been
Since I held you close to me
I long to feel your skin to mine
And to kiss you tenderly

My arms feel so useless
Without you to hold tight
My memories reach out to you
When the sun gives way to night

Cold sheets and empty space
Remind me of where you’re not
Reality uncovers my dreams
Reminds me of what I’m not

I’m not the one who sees you
When you rise to meet the day
I’m the one who cries alone
Wishing for a different fate

Alcohol masks my pain
One shot at a time
Sober reality awaits
Of love not really mine


Poetry: Image 046

It makes me anxious
This photograph of you
It traps my imagination
I'm captivated by the view

Shadow and light balance
Perfectly on your skin
The outline of your lips
The lone freckle on your chin

The contrast of my cotton shirt
Laying soft against your chest
It’s the confidence you exude
That makes me like this best

Eyes soft, dark and brown
I get lost in their depth
Even now when I look
You steal my very breath

Your smile draws me to you
With lips so soft and sweet
I count the hours until once more
Your’s and mine can meet

Photographs and images
I replay them now and then
They fill the waiting hours
Until I hold you again

How long will it be my love?
Before I hold you tight
How long must I wait this time?
Before my world seems right


Poetry: Separation anxiety

Silvery slivers of hope
Pierce the pitch of night
The promise of a new day
Comes with dawning light

February air is bitter
In this morning of despair
I look for peeking stars
Wishing to find you there

The crunch of frozen snow
Sounds as I make my way
Step by echoing step
Headlong into the day

A half hour of reflection
As I make my way along
Thoughts of you travel with me
Yet I feel so all alone

Solemn thoughts fill my mind
White lines flash in a blur
Oblivious to my morning trek
My mind is focused on her

Day breaks on heartache
Another day without her near
Lost in separation
Our future so unclear

Day after repeating day
I trudge ahead in stride
Bearing the sting of loneliness
And feelings I must hide


Poetry: Waning inspiration

My inspiration wanes
In the absence of her touch
I feel far removed
Fearing our future so much

Only days it has been
Though it seems much more
Since I’ve held my love
I wonder what’s in store

Hours I spend staring
At photographs of her
The void still exists
Anxiety will not defer

Teetering on the edge
One stumble and I fall
Waiting for reality to shove me
My heart is against the wall

Patience is a fickle trait
One I don’t bear true
Demons rise up inside me
I fear I’m losing you

Cries go unanswered
In the canyons of my soul
Dread clouds my judgment
My sins left to atoll

Dangling on a rope of despair
Swaying from side to side
Clinging to the promise
Of love that we must hide


Poetry: Reflections from within

Her soft brown eyes tell half-truths
Giving a glimpse but not complete
There’s protective power in her unknown
And of what she lets me see

Soft light reflects sadness
Suggesting hidden pain
Her gaze draws me near
It pushes me away just the same

The mysterious truth that lives
Behind her melancholy eyes
Captivates my thoughts
In ways she’d never surmise

For years now I have spent
Trying to solve her mystery
Hoping to prove myself
So she’d share her soul with me

What were the thoughts and dreams
That you had so many years ago
And what brought you to now
And made you afraid to let them show

Someday it will hit me
And then I will finally see
Your secrets are just yours
They aren’t meant for me


FeedBack
EmmyL
10/27/2008 5:59:05 PM
hello :)

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