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Bigcatdaddy Finding pain is easy....when you've given into sin |
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![]() Explanations are lies being told
Tracks covered in fluorescent paint
Age: Not provided. Gender: M Location: Slap dab in the middle Friends
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November, 2008 September, 2008 August, 2008 July, 2008 March, 2007 February, 2007 January, 2007 December, 2006 November, 2006 October, 2006 September, 2006 August, 2006 |
Creepin
Posted 11/27/2008 9:17:39 PM The pain comes creepin' round To kick me Just when I'm feelin' down The pain knows when I'm weak knows when I'm down on my knees It knows when I'm broken, bent and blue The flashbacks come Filled memories with you Five percent of us of you, and of me Is it enough; its something I'm not sure of I don't know anymore I'm so confused About a love that once was so much more The numbing of my heart I'm drinking again its not me; but its a sad, sad start I'm not so sure how long I can cry over you and the love I once knew But tonight I do now I do Cry over you. I'm crying over the loss of you.
Prelude to unrest
Posted 9/26/2008 8:45:53 AM The pre-dawn silence Serves as an empty diary to my pain My mind races to fill the pages Thoughts I can’t restrain Do I have the courage To turn or stay the course Away from broken trust Or set myself up for more To love you have to trust I’m not so sure that I can The things I’ve come to know Make it hard to understand Trapped by blankets of memories No escape from grief’s aim Explanations are lies untold Tracks covered in florescent paint
Times of despair
Posted 9/22/2008 6:50:26 PM Breathing does not come easy With the weight of my world pressing down Feelings of isolation In a flood of emotions I drown Reality's presence is felt not seen Feelings I cannot escape Reminders blossom in poisonous glory Send me clawing at the skin of fate Distance Elusiveness History The mix of reality Bears no fortune for me Clinging to falsehoods Even the blind can see Doubt is a promiscuous thing It breeds in damaged hearts Enveloping any hope Extinguishing love's sparks
Which is it?
Posted 9/18/2008 8:55:33 PM Is cowardness tied into the ability to turn from love to miss the pain? Or, is desperation the act of facing the love and absorbing the pain...each and every day. I wish I knew.
Lines of broken trust
Posted 9/17/2008 4:33:20 PM TRUST like graffiti scribed on the canvas of my heart Trust was branded from the start That brand was shattered into a hundred pieces the puzzle put back in place, but the lines are still there no more will it be perfect and smooth and contoured and neat no more will it be totally complete every delay, every hint of something awry picks at a jagged edge
Gloom and doom yada, yada, yada
Posted 8/28/2008 6:31:01 PM I'm doomed to fail at my latest endeavor I cannot help but sabotage myself I'm sure I do that all the time... I want things to go well, but succumb to failure things pardoned relived things seen not forgotten things read, seered into memory I cling to fading hope Shadows grow longer by the day There's no room for me in her life I know it, I just don't think she does
Red eye morning
Posted 8/9/2008 9:33:46 PM It's a red eye morning Blue, sad and dark Disoriented by mixed emotions The tainting of love's spark It's hard to know right and wrong A lie from what is true Regardless of the your perspective The pain is nothing new I've lost the greatest love of my life Lost a long time friend as well Stuck here in the moment Caged in private hell The pendulum's swing is massive From point A to where we are My heart bears the marking Of a newly added scar Cracked once before by another Reopened again by you All the love that I had give Again it wouldn't do
My broken heart
Posted 8/9/2008 9:32:28 PM My broken heart feels The pain of loving you My broken heart knows Of a love that was untrue My broken heart aches More and more each day My broken heart bears The scars of that fateful day My broken heart seeks A final remedy My broken heart cries Alone inside of me
Relief in the dark
Posted 8/9/2008 9:31:22 PM Relief lays three but feet away As I lay here in the dark Breaking hearts but easing mine Offering both a finish and a start I'm drawn to the relief While dreading its affect Suffering from offering love To one who did reject Serving as a beginning and end Tears and peace both serve I'm tired and weary of my life Wishing I had the nerve Embarrassed by my foolishness Trading peace for a moment in the sun Contemplating a selfish act And reaching for my gun Relief is but a moment away As I lay here in the dark
It just happened
Posted 8/9/2008 9:30:11 PM It just happened An easy excuse to make A matter of convenience A destiny none can escape I feel I supported you I've looked for what I did do I believed in the words you told me Then you told them to another too I feel so completely foolish I don't want to feel sad Why can't I explode? Why am I not mad? It's strange that tears haven't fallen I really don't know why Not a one has been shed Yet all I want is to cry The only thing I feel is pain It overshadows all Hurt so overwhelming I beckon the hammer's fall
I thought I knew you
Posted 8/9/2008 9:28:48 PM I thought I knew you What did I really know? I thought I could trust you How could I have known I believed in us How silly of me to think
Secret solitue
Posted 8/9/2008 9:27:51 PM Trapped by cage of secret solitude I'm drowning from tears that won't flow Barbs of reality anchor in my heart Pinning love's price on my soul I wish I had someone to talk to Someone to ease my pain Holding my sorrow closely Long for a peace I can't regain
Another lonely day
Posted 8/9/2008 9:25:49 PM I'm drowning in tears that won't flow Weighed down the sorrow of knowledge I struggle to cope with the reality In discovery of love's broken pledge The pain consumes my all No respite and no reprieve For loving and trusting another Who needed more than me My love falls short yet again The price of sin comes due Can I overcome the pain If I walk away from you Sin collects its toll Leaves me reeling in its wake Wanting just to die Leaving my soul to take
Enough just wasn’t enough
Posted 7/19/2008 2:44:23 PM All the love I could give just wasn’t enough for you I thought of that line while working today. Doing busywork to occupy my time The more I thought of it The more it gave me peace of mind The honesty of it rings so true My love simply wouldn’t do There’s peace in knowing I gave it my all My love I shared with you In the book of our life together The chapter is nearly two decades long The final verse ended abruptly But we’ll both still carry on We each had a life before We’ll each have one after too But I’ll always wish the love I gave Would have been enough for you.
Grieving in silence
Posted 7/18/2008 5:55:06 PM A broken heart it hides In my adulterer's chest Beating off tempo under the strain of enlightenment The veils of trust shattered By innocent curiosity Deserving am I? Yes. Spared am I? No. No solace to be had For a love wrong from the start Sympathetic ears will never hear my tears No one will weep for me For the pain that I feel My journey here has not been one taken blindly I mistakenly trusted One perhaps like I And she broke my heart like only I could let her
Long night averted
Posted 7/18/2008 5:52:18 PM Drugs defer the pain inevitable They dull my senses for now I’ve not shed a tear on the outside But cried a river within I can’t cry. Because the tears can’t be explained My insides crumble within my hardened fascade Flashbacks fill my head From a time long ago The situation eerily similar But more at stake back then The heart knows no difference It only knows there’s pain Pain is pain it only knows to hurt Trusting makes the heart a big target I exposed my heart to you And was wounded once again
This addiction
Posted 7/18/2008 5:49:21 PM This addiction I’m addicted to the abuse Over and over again I submit Each line stabs me deeper Adding to my well-scared heart Familiar phrases cut deep When once they brought joy Words carve out my epitaph Here lies the biggest fool yet I offered my heart on the block And met reality’s cold steel
The hammers' fall
Posted 7/3/2008 2:00:58 PM The inspiration falls silent As summer days grow long Distance greater yet to become An obstacle of greed brings shame Hope, prosperity and freedom Will they include a barnacle such as I? Or am I destined to be shed Like water from Molly's coat In riddled prose consumed Rest not for racing mind Lost in apprehentioned gaze awaiting the hammers' fall Deservedly so I concur Heavily burdened to be sure
Poetry: A never to take journey
Posted 3/7/2007 2:46:30 PM A never to take journey Traversed only in my mind Of you and me together What adventures we would find Roaming the world Love and laughter in tow Sleeping beneath the stars The heavens would be our show Sharing sunrises and sunsets Huddled by your side Lost in the isolation A love no more to hide Mountain streams and lakes Ours alone to share Going when we want And wherever we may dare See the sunrise in Maine Then watch it set in Kauai Hop the borders we know And visit the other side Walking the Black Forrest Kissing at the Pyramids base Dancing a jig in Dublin The smile on your face This journey is just a dream One that won’t come true It makes me happy just knowing That you share this dream too
Poetry: Deliverance
Posted 3/7/2007 1:40:52 PM Cold steel bars of reality Block my window of hope In a southern comfort haze I struggle daily just to cope Life without you near Is becoming too routine I live a silent dazed existence In secret seclusion I scream Throughout the night I awaken Dawning thoughts always of you The warmth of your memory Serve as a pathway to feeling blue You are never here And I’m never there My confidence stripped away My soul is made bare I grow more weary with each dawn The sun is no longer my friend I struggle just to start the day Becoming eager to find an end Perhaps I should walk away Devise a departure plan Escape from the walls I’ve built Do I really think I can? In a painted corner I sit For my sins I must atone Trapped in the reality Of my future all alone Selfish thoughts are many Solutions I could try All would hurt others But allow my tears to dry Let the hammer drop And free me from this place My pain left for others And complete my fall from grace
Poetry: Music of home
Posted 3/7/2007 9:45:09 AM Sweet harmony rings out As the pick brushes the strings The echoes of the mountain Reverberate and as they ring Melodic sounds fill the room Wave after resounding wave It reminds me of the hills I love And the land for which I rave Hauntingly simple And elegantly true Notes ring out loud Their voice fills the room Call it folk, celtic or bluegrass The dulcimer rings clear Providing the sounds of home In a voice that I hold dear As my hand strums the strings The mountains rise and sing It echoes through the hollers Oh the joy they bring No matter where I am Or the distance that I roam I shut my eyes and listen And the sound takes me home
Poetry: Do you?
Posted 3/3/2007 8:16:22 PM Do you feel the pain I feel Deep within your heart Is the aching constant Whenever we’re apart Do you feel like crying When a day goes by If you cannot see me Is the day one big sigh Are you lost without me Do you reach out in the night Does the loneliness begin When I pull from your sight I hope for your sake That it’s not the same While I hope you miss me But I never wish you pain
Poetry: Poet's pen
Posted 2/28/2007 4:38:25 PM It’s always in the night When lonely justice claims its fare I toss and turn a sinner’s rest Lost without you there Reality is so hard to bear When the outcome is not desired The prospect of my future Leaves my soul tangled and mired I cultivate my own despair Nurturing it from the seed I preen and pamper its growth Harvest the torment at full speed Crying doesn’t ease the pain Memories rise now and then Unspoken secrets of solitude Serve to fill my poet’s pen
Poetry: Loneliness won't leave me alone
Posted 2/23/2007 12:27:07 PM A fog of funk envelopes me Like quicksand drawing down There’s no way to escape In a guilty pool of desire I drown Coping with the separation Strains heavy on my heart Fate acts as a cruel barricade Determined to keep us apart Deeper and darker I sink Surrender enters my mind Succumbing to the reality How can I be so blind? Loneliness won’t leave me alone It presses down on my chest Depression clings tight I know what solution is best Bad deeds and good intentions Leave my conscience to dwell Love is a double edged sword Cutting memories we can never tell The embellishment of hope Whittled to a splinter Cast in secret seclusion A relationship we dared to enter
Poetry: Sober reality
Posted 2/22/2007 9:00:48 PM Forever ago it seems its been Since I held you close to me I long to feel your skin to mine And to kiss you tenderly My arms feel so useless Without you to hold tight My memories reach out to you When the sun gives way to night Cold sheets and empty space Remind me of where you’re not Reality uncovers my dreams Reminds me of what I’m not I’m not the one who sees you When you rise to meet the day I’m the one who cries alone Wishing for a different fate Alcohol masks my pain One shot at a time Sober reality awaits Of love not really mine
Poetry: Image 046
Posted 2/7/2007 10:02:43 AM It makes me anxious This photograph of you It traps my imagination I'm captivated by the view Shadow and light balance Perfectly on your skin The outline of your lips The lone freckle on your chin The contrast of my cotton shirt Laying soft against your chest It’s the confidence you exude That makes me like this best Eyes soft, dark and brown I get lost in their depth Even now when I look You steal my very breath Your smile draws me to you With lips so soft and sweet I count the hours until once more Your’s and mine can meet Photographs and images I replay them now and then They fill the waiting hours Until I hold you again How long will it be my love? Before I hold you tight How long must I wait this time? Before my world seems right
Poetry: Separation anxiety
Posted 2/6/2007 2:24:53 PM Silvery slivers of hope Pierce the pitch of night The promise of a new day Comes with dawning light February air is bitter In this morning of despair I look for peeking stars Wishing to find you there The crunch of frozen snow Sounds as I make my way Step by echoing step Headlong into the day A half hour of reflection As I make my way along Thoughts of you travel with me Yet I feel so all alone Solemn thoughts fill my mind White lines flash in a blur Oblivious to my morning trek My mind is focused on her Day breaks on heartache Another day without her near Lost in separation Our future so unclear Day after repeating day I trudge ahead in stride Bearing the sting of loneliness And feelings I must hide
Poetry: Waning inspiration
Posted 2/5/2007 6:57:30 PM My inspiration wanes In the absence of her touch I feel far removed Fearing our future so much Only days it has been Though it seems much more Since I’ve held my love I wonder what’s in store Hours I spend staring At photographs of her The void still exists Anxiety will not defer Teetering on the edge One stumble and I fall Waiting for reality to shove me My heart is against the wall Patience is a fickle trait One I don’t bear true Demons rise up inside me I fear I’m losing you Cries go unanswered In the canyons of my soul Dread clouds my judgment My sins left to atoll Dangling on a rope of despair Swaying from side to side Clinging to the promise Of love that we must hide
Poetry: Reflections from within
Posted 1/27/2007 8:00:52 AM Her soft brown eyes tell half-truths Giving a glimpse but not complete There’s protective power in her unknown And of what she lets me see Soft light reflects sadness Suggesting hidden pain Her gaze draws me near It pushes me away just the same The mysterious truth that lives Behind her melancholy eyes Captivates my thoughts In ways she’d never surmise For years now I have spent Trying to solve her mystery Hoping to prove myself So she’d share her soul with me What were the thoughts and dreams That you had so many years ago And what brought you to now And made you afraid to let them show Someday it will hit me And then I will finally see Your secrets are just yours They aren’t meant for me |
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