Cunfuzzled: How is one supposed to move on?

She has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me. But what am I to believe her now? Or do I believe her contradiction? Do I let her go, as she asks now. Get out of her life. Let her live alone. Be alone. Or do I listen to her before? When she told me not to listen to her anger. When she told me I would always be in her heart, and would always love me. What do I listen to? What side? How can I even choose? How can I go on, and leave her? How do I know it is what she really wants? What do I believe? What part of her to I trust? Do I said, the hell with it, and try to go on with my life? Or do I sit...and wait idly by? If I choose to go on with my life, find another person. Another person to love, how will she really feel? Will she cry? Will that mask finally drop? And sorrow will come from her? Will I be making a mistake, giving up on her and moving on? Will she take it as really never loved her? Or will it prove to her I really do? So many questions. So few answers. And no one to help. She may be able to go alone, but I can't. (3) Comments

Posted: 12/12/2007 4:12:40 AM

No one understands

Everyone is wrong. Everyone who thinks I should move on is wrong. Only one person can, and will ever understand how powerful my feelings of love are. Her. So you can tell me to move on. She can tell me that. Tell me to find someone else. Someone who will love me and feel lucky to be with me. Someone who trusts me and forgives me for my mistakes. Someone who knows I am real and not some crazy psychotic mental patient. Someone I can actually hold right now. In my arms. Someone I cant tell that I love with my voice, instead of text. Sure. I can do that. I can do. But I will never love that person. Ever. I only have love for one person. I only love her. I only want her trust and her love. I only want to hug her. I only want to be with her. She loves me. I know she does. She said so and I trust every word of it. She cares so much about me. About my health, my emotions. Everything. It's just so hard to prove myself. So hard to show her I am real after all I did. So unfairly hard that I can't hold her right now as I cry on my keyboard. Only she can understand... (4) Comments

Posted: 12/10/2007 1:36:27 AM

Insomnia

4:30 in the morning. And I can't sleep. Third day in a row this has happened this badly. What the heck is wrong with me? Recent happenings sure ain't helping it. But they are not the cause. Why can't I fall asleep before 2 anymore? Am I destined to be like this forever? While this sleeping pattern will be helpful in the coming years (I plan on moving into different time zone), how on Earth do I cope with this? How do I change it? How do I not go mad if I can't? I have enough stress in my life.The LAST thing I need is to wake up at 3:00 PM everyday. I don't want a 3rd shift life :( (3) Comments

Posted: 12/9/2007 4:42:29 AM

Trying.

I don't want to give up. But maybe I need to leave her alone to prove it. I want her to be happy and I don't want to make her suffer anymore. She says she wants me out of her life. It's just so hard to accept that. I DON'T accept that. I know I can win her back. I know I can make her happy and keep those promises I made. But I can't let her suffer anymore. I cant drive her crazy anymore. I need to give her time. I need to leave her be and pray she come back to me. I need to stop blackmailing her, as she calls it. Stop making her feel guilty. I never did it intentionally. I guess I did subconsciously. I'm gonna leave her alone. If I have to leave her alone than that is what I will do. I don't want to hurt her. No more. She doesn't read this blog anymore I don't think. But if for some reason she does see: I'll let you be. But I will always be back there waiting. I can't go on with my life knowing there was a chance. I'll wait for you. Take your time though. But I am waiting. (0) Comments

Posted: 11/29/2007 8:03:26 PM

Daily Life: 11/26/2007

Well, I thought I might as well try to post a daily article. Though my life is horribly boring right now. I'm sure those who read these will fall asleep. Maybe I will help a few insomniacs this way! At least it gets rid of a little of the monotomy. (0) Comments

Posted: 11/26/2007 9:51:51 PM

I Hate Blogs

It's been many months since I posted on this blog. A lot of things have happened. My birthday went by (thank you Hulda for wishing me a happy B-DAy it was). I faced one of my many fears and lived. The message board I help run is flourishing with activity. I lost the trust of my dearest and closest friend because of my own stupidity and cowardice. But most importantly, over the last few months, I have come to learn a great deal about that person. I've realized I can finally trust them, as I finally trust myself. I finally understand them. If only I could show it. We have had many fights and scares. I never could understand why. But now I am begining to. Because of that, I think I am able to progress with my life. Our life. I care dearly for her. I want to show her that. I think the best way to do that, the best way to show her, I love her and that I understand, is to not give up. Not give up on her, myself, or us. And to listen to her. To shut up for a moment and listen to waht she says. People fight. People get angry. It happens. It can't be avoided. All I can do is try to make her feel content. Feel loved. She is loved. But loving her does no good if I cannot make her FEEL loved. I'm not gonna give up on her or us. If I must, I will give up everything for her. I have to. She truly is my Angel. I think I will start blogging again, though I really don't like to. Kind of odd since I have one, no?I don't get many visiters to this blog, which kind of sucks. But maybe someone out there will read this, and it will give THEM hope too. Give them a reason to go on. I hope it does. I found my purpose in life. And I love her mor than anything else imaginable. I truly could not find a better reason to be. (2) Comments

Posted: 11/26/2007 4:52:29 AM

Happy Times: A new start and a second chance.

The last few days have been some of the happiest in my life. My friendship is patched up, and I think better than it has ever been. I know we can get through anything now. There will always be fights and arguments, but we will get through them. I have been given a second chance at this and I am not going to mess it up again. This time, I'm changing myself for real. No longer will I push others away. I will draw them as close as possible. I don't want to hurt anyone any longer. (0) Comments

Posted: 7/22/2007 5:16:49 PM

Cunfuzzled: The worst morning of my life.

I almost lost a friend. My best friend. All because of a stupid fight. Because I say stupid things when I am angry. I have realized that, all of the friends I have lost over the years, is because of me. I pushed them away. I made them hate me. Not anymore. I'm not losing anymore. Never again. I'm going to learn from this somehow. I'm not letting important people in my life slip away. I'm not going to push them away anymore. I'm going to change my ways. For good this time. (2) Comments

Posted: 7/20/2007 12:02:47 AM

Shhhhh...it's a secret o_o

I will be posting private blogs for awhile. Got a lot of crap on my mind that I don't want too many people hearing about. I have gotten word that a member of my family has found my blog. OSHI. So if you want to see everything you should become my friend. It's nice to have friends anyway =P (1) Comments

Posted: 6/24/2007 9:09:08 PM

I am so pissed at myself.

I'm sick of being scared. I'm sick of worrying and being paranoid all the time. What good does it do? All it does is effect my health and not in a good way. I need to stop thinking about myself and start thinking about how it's effecting others. The way I act directly effects those around me. I need to get outside and face my damn fears. Be around people so I don't feel alone. I need to start looking at life differently again. Need to be there for those who need me. I need to stop taking things so literally. And most of all I need to stop moping all the time! Cherish the things I have and the things I plan on having in the future. That's all that should matter to me. (0) Comments

Posted: 6/7/2007 12:13:25 AM

I knew I had fears. But this tops them all.

This morning I thought about the scariest thing in my life. I've always thought it was a possibility but it never really sunk in. Losing a friend. Losing someone I care about and love. I've lost loved ones before. Both my grandfathers have died, though I didn't know them well. And my grandmother on my fathers side as well. I loved her so much. I cried when she died. Hell I cried when my cats died. But this is different. I feel I have no one left but my friend. Yeah, sure I still have family. But they're never there when I need them. She is. The idea of losing her for any reason makes me feel like I've swallowed jagged rusty hunks of metal. It rips my insides up. I want to help. But I can't do anything right now. All I can do is wait, and hope she asks me. Tell's me what's wrong. Wait for her to let me listen. She can't do it on her own. No one can! I know I sure can't. I've told her this many times before though. I know she listens. I just hope she trusts me enough, believes me enough to share. I don't want to lose anyone, but especially not her. I pray to God or whatever benevolent entity or being or force there may be in this universe, that it will be ok. Every day I have. And every day I will. (0) Comments

Posted: 6/6/2007 3:38:18 PM

Mushy Crap: This is the happiest day of my life.

So far. Why? Why am I so joyous and suddenly so full life? Three simple little words: She loves me. I have waited so long to hear her say this. But it was worth every second. And now that I know, it's time to stop dawdling. I need to finish what I need to do so I can be there for her. Be with her. I need to make myself better for her. I love her more than anything. She is all that matters to me now. I will love her always. The thought of hurting her or making her upset fills me with grief. Even if things end up not working out, I don't care. I will still love her. I finally feel as if I have a reason to be now. A reason to exist. I want to be there for her and protect her. I have to be. It's my duty now. Mon amour pour vous ne finira jamais. Je veux être avec vous pour toujours. (yeah my French is crap) (0) Comments

Posted: 5/6/2007 10:21:27 PM

Happy Times: LIfe is good.

It has been a couple of good days. My friends are happy with me, I feel better physically and mentally, and to top it off, today was warm and sunny. I just felt like sharing my joy. (0) Comments

Posted: 4/28/2007 10:07:47 PM

V8 can kill you.

Salt? In a Pepsi? The hell? What's the point? I know sodium is supposed to "enhance" flavor but....yeah sure. Crock of crap. My mother always left that teaspoon of salt out of her cookies. Why? Because you don't need it. She tried it once with the salt and they didn't taste any better. Anyway...uh V8. V8 vegetable drink has some...oh I don't know...SIX HUNDRED+ MILLIGRAMS OF SODIUM PER SERVING. That's a DEATHTRAP for people with hypertension (me) and just plain bad for anyone else. Isn't this crap supposed to be healthy? No wonder the USA is one of the fattest (THE fattest if I'm not mistake) countries in the world. Even or "health" foods are unhealthy. (0) Comments

Posted: 4/17/2007 7:53:04 PM

My blog looks better. But my yard sure dosn't.

This blog skin kicks ass. Hats off to Kamon. Now I can plug me and my friend's boards. Please pay them a visit =P Anyway... Arrg! Why is it so cold? There is a chance of SNOW tonight! In April!! This is nuts. Not to mention the CONSTANT wind and rain. I gotta burn the brush and limbs that the ice storm knocked down a few months ago. I'll get 30 bucks from my dad if I do it for him (hes got BAD Rheumatoid Arthritis, but he just got his Humira today so here's hoping he heals!). I need a quick 30$ so I can get Pokemon Diamond on the 22nd (yes I still play Pokemon. Stop laughing >_>). If it's too windy I can't burn because that Cedar goes NUTS when it burns. (0) Comments

Posted: 4/11/2007 7:43:39 PM

Nothing like waking up screaming to brighten your day huh?

So yeah, I friggin hate tornadoes. They absolutely scare me to death. This afternoon I dozed off on the couch...only to have another tornado nightmare (daymare?). I wake up screaming thinking that the damn thing is really happening. I'm running to the bathroom to look out the window (I was about to shower in the dream) and I see....nothing. Took me a whole minute to realise I wasn't on the verge of dieing a horrible spinning death. It was thunderin' and lightnin' while I slept so that might have had something to do with it. I hate spring..... (1) Comments

Posted: 4/3/2007 6:33:10 PM

Angry Rants: Welocome to CrapBurger. How may I screw you?

Ok, this is a load of crap. Why in the hell are the only places around my area that hire, fast-food? I'll tell you: The town gets rich off of them. My town (which I actually live outside the limits of) is right next to the interstate highway. Because of this they stick fast-food restaurants (restaurants? HA!) everywhere. Oh and a stupid Wal-Mart. Who cares about the people who actually LIVE there when your a rich political bastard getting rich off your city right? Screw the residents. We need to make the tourists happy! Ugh. I NEED a job. I NEED money. So I can move out of the hell-hole I'm currently in. I plan on taking a trip with-in the next decade and it's gonna be expensive, so I need to start saving up for that too. My god the economy is shot in this country. (1) Comments

Posted: 3/29/2007 2:23:59 PM

Cunfuzzled: Evil primates FTW!!

I read somewhere that everyone in the world has a twin. Since I'm so nice I guess I'm the good twin. I suppose my evil twin would look like my new avvie.... (0) Comments

Posted: 3/26/2007 8:41:04 PM

No! Not the spinach!! Oh wait it's nasty...

E.Coli+Spinach=Finally an excuse to not eat this crap. Seriously. I hate the nasty green stuff. I'm not happy people have gotten sick (and almost DIED). That sucks. But at least no little kid will be forced to eat it for awhile >XD (0) Comments

Posted: 3/25/2007 9:47:41 PM

Happy Times: Finally a nice day!

Ah....73(about 23 Celsius I believe) degrees today. And a nice warm breeze. Oh how I missed spring. The Winters here in Missouri are getting to be too much. That last ice storm was enough. I'm moving, and soon. Where? I don't know. Anywhere but here.... (0) Comments

Posted: 3/21/2007 8:01:03 PM

Haha my cat is nuts.

My cat Kiki is gonna be alright. Doc says she had a brief episode of extreme fear. From hormones I guess. She did just give birth a few days ago. I guess she just went psychotic. What fun.... (1) Comments

Posted: 3/19/2007 4:57:33 PM

Daily Life: A soon-to-be-new me.

New schedule. I'm gonna run everyday starting Monday (which would be today seeing as I'm posting this at some 3 in the morning), for three months. Maybe then I'll be comfortable posting a pic of me. Eh, it's good for me anyway. (2) Comments

Posted: 3/19/2007 2:14:45 AM

Snow?! Nooooooo!!

Crap! It snowed a good 5 inches last night! I thought this was over! It's cold outside again. It's halfway through March! Where's my sun and warm gentle breezes? Bah. On another subject, my cat Kiki is in trouble. We think there is something wrong with her leg or hip. We are gonna take her to the vet Monday. I hope she's ok. Especially since she has newborn kittens to take care of.... (0) Comments

Posted: 3/17/2007 4:28:32 PM

Angry Rants: Kittens, fights, and lonliness.

An crappy week so far. Good things and bad things. My cat Kiki just gave birth awhile ago. Two kittens at the time of posting this. If it wasn't for being shot-down by someone and having a nasty fight with my parents, this week would've fine. I missed my exercise schedule too. Oh well, what can I do? Deal with it and move on I guess. (0) Comments

Posted: 3/15/2007 4:16:56 PM

My legs hurt. A lot.

Sheesh, I think I ran 10 miles today. And lifted weights for an hour. Trying to get into better shape. I'm not fat but I could stand to lose a few pounds. Gonna do the same thing tomorrow. Three times a week is my goal! (1) Comments

Posted: 3/14/2007 7:25:18 PM

Remembered Dreams: Stupid spinning clouds....

I'll tell you something. I hate tornadoes (who doesn't?). But seriously they scare me to death. So why must I have so many dreams about them? Why must they be so vivid? Why must I remember EVERY STINKING HORRIBLE DETAIL?? Why is it so easy to remember things we don't like? I would go into details about the dream but I might start getting paranoid again. It's cloudy outside. The wind is blowing..... (3) Comments

Posted: 3/13/2007 12:39:02 PM

Bagelboy26
3/19/2008 5:05:16 PM
poke

ApeKing
11/29/2007 2:40:18 AM
And thank you for for pointing that out. And thank you as well Hulda.

ApeKing
11/29/2007 2:39:07 AM
No. I meant "The Jungle". Typo I did not notice for so long...

Hulda
11/26/2007 8:07:14 PM
Thanks, Apey -- I'm happy to be your friend. Love your bananas, BTW.

Hulda
10/29/2007 7:05:09 PM
Is today your birthday? Have a happy!

ApeKing
6/9/2007 9:41:28 PM
OMG BAGEL! Hi Bagel.

Bagelboy26
6/9/2007 9:37:56 PM
SURPRISE
didnt expect this did you?
thats right, i actually might make one of these...as soon as finals are done though

ApeKing
4/24/2007 6:42:34 PM
My blood-pressure =D....

Well ok that really isn't funny.

imthelady
4/24/2007 9:53:31 AM
what's up?

ApeKing
3/19/2007 5:01:14 PM
LOL Well how much did you drink? And I am referring to fruit schnapps. Peach specifically.

SmokedSilly
3/19/2007 4:58:51 PM
Schnapps....that is gross. The last time i had schnapps was after school in 8th grade at a friends house and i am pretty sure i puked

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